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Thread: Ex wife wants me in her life again, but there's a catch

  1. #1

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    Ex wife wants me in her life again, but there's a catch

    I am new to this site. I wanted a place to vent and discuss this or at least get feedback from people other than my close friends. I am also seeing a therapist regarding this, but again I wanted to type this out and get it out of my system. Any replies are appreciated. Here goes...

    I was married briefly many years ago. We had a son who is a child with special needs. We divorced. A few years later I met the love of my life. We connected in a way I've never felt in my entire life. Music, art, literature, sex, everything we did together was wonderful. She had some serious anger issues, but I sucked it up and took it because of how much I loved her. She would say some pretty bad things about my son, but then apologize afterward.

    After two years we married. Six years later, she says I want a divorce, I can't be around your son anymore. I was devastated. She had children from a previous marriage that I had accepted willingly, and yet here she was rejecting me because of my son. I moved out and moved in with friends.

    Fast forward two years. Over which time she has tried sporadically to make contact. For my part, I try to avoid contact because I still love her and can't seem to move on. So, she recently contacts me and wants to see me. For some reason this time I agree. We have drinks, we spend the night together. Ok, here is where it gets weird.

    The next day she tells me she that in the time we've been apart she has discovered that she is bisexual and poly amorous. So she is in love with two other men and one or two women. She tells me she is still in love with me and wants me in her life as one of her lovers.

    It was like we broke up all over again. I grieved for two solid weeks thinking of her (the woman I thought was the love of my life and would spend the rest of my life with) with other men. I think of her telling these men she loves them while making love to them. My heart is broken all over again. I'm sick with the pain.

    I am a one woman man, and I gave my all to be with her and to be her husband. I am so hurt and confused I have no idea what to do. It should be easy. Have no communication with her. However, this past week we've made love and spent time together. I can't seem to let her go. The sex is fantastic, which is not helping.

    It's as if when I'm with her all is well. She tells me everything I want to hear and makes love to me. However, I know she's doing the same damn thing with two other men (one who is married) and at least one woman when she is with them. It's breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. I feel like a crack addict that says just one more hit.

    I have no idea what I am expecting from this forum, but I really needed to vent. I feel like an idiot. I can't wrap my head around this poly amorous thing with her. It seems so shallow. How on Earth do you have a deep, loving, committed relationship with one guy on Wednesday, and another guy on Saturday?? And squeeze the other woman in when you can and possibly the ex husband (me).

    Ugh...I am at a loss. At the beginning of this week I was determined not to hurt anymore. So, no tears this whole week. I'm sick and tired of hurting. By the way, I am dating occasionally, but just haven't met anyone. I'm a decent looking guy and have had other women interested in me, but I just haven't clicked with any of them.

    Ok, that's my story. Thanks for reading this and letting me vent.

  2. #2

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    I can picture something like this happening to me and then wanting the woman even more. There's something exquisitely attractive about a person who is willing to reject us. Then, when you add basketcase, sex addict, inappropriate, willing to hurt you, openly talks about stuff that would otherwise crush you. Basically, you have the ingredients necessary for an obsession of some kind.

    I feel for you. I had an ex that I was "in love with" (and I used that term loosely) many, many moons ago. She slept with some guy in my living room while visiting me in my new City. Awesome!

    It was pretty satisfying to no longer have to deal with her after falling for someone new. She's throwing around the word love, but it's not really love. She's just looking for a lot of sex partners. That's just the truth of it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Wow..you need to totally break away from her and not see her again. This situation is very very unhealthy for you. The lifestyle is so radically different that no good will come of it from you. I also hope you were using protection. Make sure to get yourself tested for STDs. You may be in love with her but whether or not she is even capable of loving is a big question mark. She is all over the map..it sounds to me like her definition of loving is simply about good times and sex...she certainly didn't love you enough to stay...saying she couldn't deal with your child. She wants fun and nothing more...this is not about any deep meaningful love...this is more about having sexual variety.

  4. #4
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    I dont know about you but the STD factor is extremely high!!! I'd be pretty upset that she didnt tell me she was sleeping with multiple people before she slept with me. what a sl*t

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by 1962Fender
    How on Earth do you have a deep, loving, committed relationship with one guy on Wednesday, and another guy on Saturday??
    .
    Sorry this is happening. To answer the question, you don't. Why it feels so right sometimes is probably a combination of the fact that you are bonded and maybe some other piece you aren't aware of (a mystery for you and your therapist). Why she is doing this, probably fear and unresolved issues from the past. She will need to find that for herself.

    The important thing is you guys aren't on the same page as far as sharing a vision about relationship. That's a requirement to make something work long term, and that seems to be one of your requirements. So you're right, maybe the best thing for you is to end communication and grieve the loss so you can detach yourself. Unless you're a glutton for punishment (or personal growth - all depends on how you look at it

  7. #6
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    Are you willing to let your heart be broken over and over and over again by this woman ?
    That is all that is going to happen if you let this continue.

    I personally find it kind of disgusting that after putting you through the pain of divorce and saying she can't "deal with" your son, she has the gall to walk into your life again, sleep with you before discussing her mutliple partners and STILL have the nerve to make terms on which you can and can't see her.
    Incredible.

    Definitely please get tested for STD's immediately.

    If you want to fully heal (which I think you should) you need to cut ties with her. Permanently. You two clearly want very different things.
    You already know things wouldn't work out between you. She clearly has no intention of changing her ways for you or anyone. And is obviously not that concerned about hurting people or ruining others lives.
    She is indeed using you. If you are okay with that, understanding that most likely no real feelings are attached, go for it.
    But -
    I'm sure she's not the only woman on earth with whom you could have amazing sex. If you really want to get over her and find a woman who will devote all her energy to you. Words are meaningless without actions backing them up. Her actions are saying that the only person she cares about these days is herself.
    Personally, I think you can do better.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member kaoticbaby's Avatar
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    i would not tolerate any person who was not tolerant of my family. story ends there for me.

  9. #8

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    Polyamority is a choice. Her sexual orientation is not, but it's up to us to decide whether or not we take one lover or several. She made her choice. Ask her if she would tolerate you seeing others, I suspect the answer would be an instant no.

    Don't give her any power over your life. It will destroy you.

  10. #9
    Silver Member Jelina's Avatar
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    She doesn't really want you in her life. She just wants another sexual partner, I don't know why seems like she has enough.......

  11. #10
    Gold Member kuhl282000's Avatar
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    Very deep stuff /////////

    I can actually feel your pain through my computer ...WOW

    And the sex is good to boot .........I feel like a crack addict needing one more hit ......I hear ya and I don't do drugs at all.

    This may not help but i just broke it off with the most fantastic girl in the world .....the real love of my life ......and it almost killed me .....and still may if I'm not careful ....been sort of like drinking myself to death .......it sort of kills the pain at least for the moment .....then of course it comes back and i do it all again .....

    Where I'm going with this is ....she had some things in our relationship that for whatever reason I just could not live with.........so now we are not together anymore

    It was real tough .......but other then that I would have had to swallow it and just suck it all in ........I would have snapped in the long run ........and i still may without her .....So you either accept it, or you forget it ......I coiuld not do it myself and try and be attached .......now if I went into denial .......and just did a trade out for the great sex .......well ...I still think i would feel very strange in the long run ......

    I could not pull it off if it were me .......what a curve ball they throw at us sometimes

    Good Luck
    Last edited by avman; 08-15-2008 at 06:37 PM.

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