6 months too early to MOVE IN TOGETHER?

My bf and I have been dating for 6 months. We've known each other for 15 years though as we used to work together. We mutually want a future together, talked of living together, marriage etc. but have kind of agreed on the 1 year mark to make things serious. Thing is, he's having financial difficulty as he is currently trying to get his law degree and on leave from his current job. He has his own house, pays all utilities etc. and it's killing him! I have my own house, career, kids etc. and I told him to move in--now. I could help him with bills etc. (and his budget as I am very good with money) and he can go to school without the added stress of worrying about money. And yet, he's not budging. I think he scared or feels weird about a woman "supporting" him. I've decided not to push the issue...but I feel like I'm just sitting back watching this man plow himself into the ground.

Any comments or thoughts?

Ach what can I say? Us men are just too darn proud!

Normally I'd say it kind of early, but since you've known him for 15 years it could work. However, if he's not willing to do that then you shouldn't try to talk him into it. It will only mess things up if both of you aren't ready for it.

You put the thought in his head. Give him a few weeks to think about it and bring it up again. This is the type of decision he can't make right away.

I felt i had to respond to this one!!! On the outside looking in many would say DONT DO IT!! But i personally feel only you can make this decision as you are the only person living in the relationship and would know best. if your heart says do this..then do it, so many people would advise you against it without knowing what you share together...go girl..and as for him..your not intending to support him but share your life with him as couples do. goodluck.

Perhaps you can suggest formal IOU notes... Where he agrees to pay you back once he's a lawyer and has a job.

I'd also take it as a caution though, that he wants to become a lawyer but that he made no financial plans whatsover for how to support himself during that time? Do you really want to merge your life with someone with so little financial sense?

Please be careful about pledging a lot of money to someone who has already shown inability to manage it, and whom you aren't married to. You could end up pouring a lot of money into him, then he decides he wants to break up with you.

I had an aunt who was a nurse who put her fiance thru medical school, and he dumped her right at graduation for someone else. Your boyfriend may not be a user, but he is certainly showing inability to plan ahead if he didn't figure out how to pay for school in advance. So she invested 7 years in him and he used her for support during that time, then just said thanks but i'm outta here.

I also think it is important for him to get himself out of the financial mess himself in an adult way. He could sell his house, borrow money etc. to dig himself out of this. Let him be a grownup and rescue himself, or else you see something you need to know, that he is willing to drive himself into the ground rather than deal with money issues rationally. You don't want him driving you into the ground financially 5 years from now.

I also think it is important for him to get himself out of the financial mess himself in an adult way.

Thanks everyone for your comments-- and you are right when you say he's not all that good with his finances. And YET...the issue here, which i may not have made clear, is that he wants to get himself out of this mess all on his own. He wants to prove that he can "do it all" and be the provider type without having to lean on me.

And BeStrongBeHappy, in a perfect world where no one has any shortcomings, I probably would expect him to be a little more financially savvy. But he's got some GREAT qualities otherwise and you have to take the good with the bad. I think he's being very adult about not wanting to depend on me or use me. But at the same time, i want him to live with me and i want to help him.

I don't think you should move in under those circumstances...

His problems are not your problems... you cant save him from his own choices.... but you can support him in other ways..

In my opinion and from my own personal experience 6 months is way way too soon to move in together..ESPECIALLY since its mostly for financial reasons instead of "because we want to".

People do have financial setbacks in life and I don't think it was strictly a matter of being financially irresponsible. He wanted to get a degree and things are financially tight right now. Lots of people go through financially lean times in order to better themselves in the future. It is clear he has drive and ambition and is not looking for handouts...I think that is an admirable quality. Since you two have already known each other for 15 years I don't think that moving in together after 6 months of dating is too soon. However, I don't think that is the real issue here. The issue is that he wants to make it on his own and be on solid ground before he commits himself to moving in with you. There is nothing wrong with that. I also don't think this is a matter of "saving him from his choices". He decided to go to law school to further his education...it is not as if he spent recklessly on a boat, a Mercedes Benz and other status toys. He is trying to better himself...his education is not a frivolous expense so I don't understand why posters are acting like he is so irresponsible and shouldn't be helped out. I wonder if this was a woman furthering her education if the responses would be different.

My viewpoint is that he is a grown man, and knew how much his mortgage and utilities were before he decided to go to school. And he couldn't figure out he needed X dollars saved or available to him to support himself during law school?

This is just simple math, and to quit a fulltime job when one has a mortgage and return to school when the assets/loans aren't already in place to support him for 3 years seems rather naive at best.

I have known lots of people with money/budgeting troubles and many of them are people who like to fly by the seat of their pants and then end up in trouble when the fairies don't show up with extra money to solve their own lack of planning. I think if he was someone who had a catastrophe happen (unexpected job loss, health crisis) one would be easier on him, but he knew in advance he'd be in school for 3 years and that he had a mortgage, utilities etc. to pay and didn't make plans for how to support himself.

So this wasn't an unplanned setback, this was a case of being immature, naive, or irresponsible in not having enough saved before he made the leap. If he is attending lawschool, then he certainly should be smart enough to recognize he needed to have his monthly mortgage payment, utilities etc. x 36 saved or borrowed in order to get thru law school for 3 years BEFORE he quit his job to go to school.

I appreciate the OPs generosity and willingness to support him, but keep in mind that the number one reason couples fight is indeed money. It may not bother you now because you are hoping to move in with him and plan a future, but what if he shows the same stubbornness and unwillingness to deal with financial realities when married to you?

So it is not a question of WHAT he spent on, but a question of him being an adult and accepting responsbility for his financial decisions and finding a way out of it. It's lovely she wants to help, BUT she needs to go in with eyes open to the fact that his and her money styles are quite different and might cause a lot of friction in future. I applaud him for wanting to get out of his own financial mess at this point, and think it is what he should do.

Sound like a move in at this point would be disasterous.

I'd hold off.

So this wasn't an unplanned setback, this was a case of being immature, naive, or irresponsible in not having enough saved before he made the leap.

Those are very harsh words. I think the OP said he is on leave from his job so he didn't quit his job. It was not quite clear to me if he was going into debt or if things are simply a lot tighter now so that is why he is stressed. He could still be fulfilling all of his financial obligations, but just not have much breathing room in what is left over. I hardly call that immature, irresponsible or naive....I just call that real life for someone who is trying to better themselves....a temporary setback for a hopefully brighter future. As for saving first...well, we don't know the circumstances of his acceptance for a law degree. Sometimes you have to take opportunities as they come up, especially if it will improve your circumstances in the long run.

wow...i'm kind of flattered that you guys are so involved in this issue. It is actually helping me to sort things out.

1. he's on leave from his job. he did not quit.

2. he earned a scholarship. if he turned it down, he would have lost the free money.

3. he's in his final year and only has one more full semester to go.

4. he's not destitute and covers all his bills (thus the urge on his part to still do it on his own), but he has no spending, no free time, always tired etc.

Although he has somewhat of an immature streak in other aspects of life, I think he's being very mature about his life and career. He may not be a financial genius either, but he is trying. And i am proud of him.

Crazyaboutdogs had the best point: that the real issue here is that he wants to be financially stable first, before committing.

And as for other comments: I am not saving him from his choices...heck, I am supporting his choice to finish up his degree.

Lastly, when i say i can help him out with bills i need to clarify: if he got out of his house and moved in with me, he'd only be paying HALF cable, HALF oil bill, HALF electric etc. I wouldn't be paying any of his bills for him. That's his job. I'd also be cutting back a bit on my own expenses too. It's a win win. By the way, I am not hurting. I earn a professional salary, own my own house (paid off the mortgage) have no bills etc. In my mind, it hurts me to be have so much good fortunate and not share it or help out the man i love....

but many of you are right...i can't help him out if he wants to do it on his own. That wouldn't make him feel good about himself. Bottom line: i want him to feel as though he is making the right move for himself. Not because he is "needy."

I will just say this--you never really know a person until you live with them. Because you had to ask--don't do it. 15 years is a long time but at the same time it was work so he had to be a certain way and that is really not a clear definition of his character either.

You mentioned kids.... since you have children, my opinion is that 6 months is WAY too early to move in with him and that you should wait until you are married or at least engaged with wedding invitations mailed out.

I wouldn't take on that responsibilty. He is a bit irresponsible as a grown man, I mean he's not paying for his eduaction he has a scholarship. If he got laid off then he is eligible for unemployment and I am origanally from NJ and the UI benefits are not that big of a difference from what your salary normally is. So to be honest I think there is more than what meets the eye. JuneB-day don't let your emotions control your actions; are you a cancer or gemini zodiac-I am caner and I was the same way until I got burned and damn near lost all I had trying to build a future with an unstable man. It doesn't pay.

I learned that I can't make a boy into a man and you have to let that boy make himself a man and then you can shake his hand. He seems like an alright dude cause he's trying to do it on his own but at the same time I think that is the pitch. If he truly was trying to get it in order then trust me-a real man wouldn't let their woman know AT ALL! YOu wouldn't know his situation he would be too ashamed to let you know that.

I don't think he is being honest with you. that is my opininon and of course I am an outsider looking in so the choice is yours and you have to live with it-

Good Luck