My heart is racing even typing this... I hate myself for these feelings. Long post, settle in.
My husband (31) and I (28 ) have been married for 7 years. Let me start by saying that 99% of our marriage is amazing. He's absolutely my best friend and I love him more than anything. We have a 2-year-old son, and my husband is an amazing father. Spends lots of time with him, is very involved in his life, and very involved with his therapy (our son has cerebral palsy). I could go on for days talking about what a wonderful person my husband is. He's very attentive, very loving. Our one and only problem is eating me up inside and clouding the rest of our marriage.
Sex. Or, the lack thereof. You know how "they" say that sex is like air; you don't notice it unless you're not getting any? "They" are right.
Sex has been our biggest argument. I can honestly think of maybe 5 times that my husband has initiated sex in the 7 years we've been together, and a few of those initiations were at really inappropriate times, like when I was on my way to the doctor's office because I found a lump in my breast or once when I was sick with a stomach bug. Because I get tired of initiating and wait for him to do it... and wait... and wait until I can't wait anymore, we maybe have sex 10 times a year. I HATE this.
I thought for a while that he wasn't attracted to me because I'm moderately overweight. I thought for a while that maybe we were just too comfortable with one another. I had fleeting thoughts that he was cheating on me, and once or twice I thought he might be gay. However, I realized that he was also not looking at other girls like a lot of guys do, and was not at all interested in porn or strip clubs or anything of the like. It just seemed that he wasn't especially interested in sexual activities at all.
Last year he finally discussed his complete lack of libido with his doctor, who diagnosed him with a thyroid disorder which has led to a drastic drop in his testosterone levels. FINALLY, a reason. Surely, soon he'll be "fixed" and will want sex like all guys do, right?
The doctor has given him pills for his thyroid, which he has faithfully taken. His thyroid levels are starting to even out, and he's feeling better in general. The testosterone treatments aren't so great, though. The first one was a gel that he was supposed to put on his arms - it made him break out terribly and itch like crazy. The doctor gave him a patch which he was supposed to wear a week at a time - the adhesive made him break out terribly as well. Now he's on to a shot, which I give him every other week. No side effects.
Nothing seems to be working. The man just DOES NOT want sex, unless I initiate. Once I initiate, he's generally into it, but it has gotten very tiring being the only one initiating sex. He's a very affectionate person, but sex just doesn't seem to be on his mind. Before the testosterone, he'd reject sex for one reason or another, but now he hardly ever rejects it, so SOMETHING has worked.
One more thing being thrown in here... while he has the libido of a 60-year-old woman, he's got the staying power of a 13-year-old boy. He can last 3 minutes during penetration, tops, and that'll be 2 minutes of him breathing deeply so he can stop himself from coming. He always finishes me off, so I'm not left hanging or anything, but I'd love to experiment with different positions during sex... it just doesn't happen.
I know a lot of marriages lose that element of passion to some extent, but I've simply never had it. I've done a lot of fantasizing about other men, my ex-boyfriends, etc. The most recent target of my adulterous lust is one of my married friends, David, with whom I have incredible chemistry. I might be imagining it because I'm so dang undersexed, but I think he flirts with me in the harmless way friends sometimes flirt. I saw David over the weekend at a wedding and he told me several times that I looked hot in my outfit. He's one of my and my husband's oldest friends so when we say stuff like that it's generally harmless, but it got me all bothered. We had a long conversation the other day in which he admitted a "dominance issue" and I can't tell y'all how much that turned me on.
I thought about him all day yesterday, especially when he texted me and said "You looked great" and then another time when he said "I can't get over how hot everyone looked." I thought about his "dominance issue" and how much I'd love to satisfy it.
I had sex with my husband last night, thinking about David most of the time. After we were done, I started sobbing quietly so my husband couldn't hear me. I hated myself. I am married to the world's most amazing man, and I'm basically using him as a sex object because of something he can't control. I've talked about this so much with my husband that I feel like I can't talk about it anymore with him without making him feel like crap... again. I would never, ever admit to him that I fantasize about other men while we're having sex.
I would also never actually indulge myself in an affair. No matter how passionate and awesome it may be, it wouldn't ever be worth ruining my family or hurting my very best friend in the world, my husband.
I'm so lost as to what to do. I'm considering going on anti-depressants because when I was on them many, many years ago, they killed my sex drive. I'm not seeing much helping my husband, so it's looking like I'm going to be the one that's facing change.
More than anything I want a husband who just THINKS about sex, or at least makes it a priority, but it just doesn't look like it's going to happen. I have a wonderful, amazing husband with exactly zero libido.
I'm sorry this is so long. It's 7 and a half years of frustration coming off my chest. I feel like I've talked this to death with my husband, and he's done everything he can and I don't want to have the talk again. What do I DO? How do I stop having feelings about other men? Would an affair satisfy me in any way?
I'm so lost...