*Gasp* Not another suicidal teen!

Well, let's see... Where'd this whole "I want to kill myself" deal start...

Ah, yes... Well, I'm going to go ahead and spare you my life story and start with the most recent and strongest grievance.

I've been majorly depressed since about eight months ago, when a good friend of mine committed suicide. I blamed myself for it, and hell, I still do. The hints she was dropping were so damn obvious, that I came to realize, if I hadn't been such an idiot, I could have intervened and possibly saved her.

There are many other things, ranging from self-hatred, being antisocial, hating my father for leaving, among others.

I guess that's about covers it.

Well, let's see... Where'd this whole "I want to kill myself" deal start...

 

Ah, yes... Well, I'm going to go ahead and spare you my life story and start with the most recent and strongest grievance.

 

I've been majorly depressed since about eight months ago, when a good friend of mine committed suicide. I blamed myself for it, and hell, I still do. The hints she was dropping were so damn obvious, that I came to realize, if I hadn't been such an idiot, I could have intervened and possibly saved her.

 

There are many other things, ranging from self-hatred, being antisocial, hating my father for leaving, among others.

 

I guess that's about covers it.

I am sorry

Im sorry for you loss but listen, you are not to blame. Suicide is such personal and individual act it can never really be the fault of someone else. In hindsight maybe you can look back over things and think you could have done things to change what happened but i dont think anyone ever think that someone would contemplate taking thier own life. You are NOT to blame for this.

I know suicide often has the effect that others in the area start wanting to kill themselves too

But I believe once you can manage getting over this more it brings a lot of strength on itself

And don't you think it can cause a kind of snowball effect so others will feel hurt and guilty about what would happen to you..

Please stay in and keep on talking with us

I'm at depression myself, I know there are different grades and I wish you are still able to take a bit distance from things and to look objective enough

Do you have/Did you receive any support or help after what happened to the person ?

Agree, shouldn't blame yourself. Big chance the person was in such a state of mind there should just happened a small things wrong to let it happen (I don't know of course but also I almost never look back at things thinking What should have happened if this or that went bit different.. b/c every little thing can cause something else so very hard to predict)

You are someone who deserves positive attention and support, not staying alone with feelings of guilt..

I feel self hate as well sometimes

No, I haven't received any support for that. She lived out of state, hell, the only reason I knew was because a friend who lived there informed me. So I never told anyone.

I had been a bit depressed before the incident, sure, maybe some thoughts of suicide on a bad day here and there, but this whole deal pushed me to a place I didn't know existed. I felt shock, hatred, and sadness, but now I just feel hopeless, undeserving of the life I was given. Every day I go about my business, wearing a mask of contentedness, pretending to be just dandy, when I'm, well, not.

I'm sure you could mean so much to others and to things in your life ! It takes time and people who help you and where you can share your emotions and what's on your mind with at the moment you feel need for that

At the moment I feel kind of emptyness. I tried to look at the situation objective and like a kind of strategic game and then rule would be Better do something than nothing so that's how I started. Also have had medical issues and kind of lost a whole year by not being able to function normal at all bit now that things are going better I think I can say I learned from it as well and proud I hung on during hard situations. Of course I can't know how hard it must be in a situationg like yours which would be psychically much more heavy then were I'm talking about or could even imagine.

Another question to maybe ask to yourself; Do you think the person wouldn't hope you stay alive.. (I expect he/she would..)

Isn't it an idea to put all the negative things that happened lately on in some positive. To spread out the good memories of the person and to share the emptyness of missing the person with other people who do. To put further the good ideas this person had and to remember the good things and kind of carry the person with you from the inside.

No, I haven't received any support for that. She lived out of state, hell, the only reason I knew was because a friend who lived there informed me. So I never told anyone.

 

I had been a bit depressed before the incident, sure, maybe some thoughts of suicide on a bad day here and there, but this whole deal pushed me to a place I didn't know existed. I felt shock, hatred, and sadness, but now I just feel hopeless, undeserving of the life I was given. Every day I go about my business, wearing a mask of contentedness, pretending to be just dandy, when I'm, well, not.

I can imagine (to a certain point probably b/c it must be s'thing with a very much impact what I've never had happened in my life).. could also be there are different states following each other after that something like that has happened and that's why your previous reaction/emotions/.. turned on into these. I think it necesairy you talk/stay in contact with others. Contacting us seems already very good to me.

I often feel like I'm kind of not inside myself and little emotions, expect I would feel in your case as well.

are there things or moments that make you forget those things and/or bring happyness ?

It's whenever I'm alone that I start brooding over this whole issue, really. Though in places like school, when I'm not specifically talking to anyone, I will revert to this too. I can very rarely forget about it when I hang out with friends, which is one of the main reasons why I don't tell anyone close to me about this, because I don't want to ruin those moments.

IF you have really known at that time, you WOULD have intervened, wouldnt you?

But you didn't, how could you have? When people get to that stage they talk in their own code because their thoughts are deep and dark and they are feeling isolated and this is likely to have happened in this case too so you couldnt have known, not for sure..no way. So forgive her and forgive yourself.

This is a big issue to deal with for someone so young and it must be very emotionally and mentally isolating for you so try to find somebody professional that you can open up to in your real life as well as on here, maybe talk to a school counsellor who's job it is to listen and help so you won't feel like your burdening anyone if that is a concern of yours. But please don't let it drown you.

Very Sorry ....Please don't be so hard on yourself ......I don't think you could have saved her. I mysefl have hinted around about sucide in the past few months. And the truth is if I decide to do it, no one really would be able to stop me ......

So its not you .......you did what you could.

I understand the depression I'm in it right now and again very much today

You can't blame yourself. Plus you are posting here so I assume you want help or you wouldn't be here. Your life is important, stick around.

What the hell do I do?! This is the second time now, I've had to go through something EXACTLY like this!

This time I was talking to him and said something that he took wrong! I'm trying to reach him, but he won't answer his phone... I'm panicking, now... I don't think I'll be able to take it if he does something stupid....

Why would he do something to himself just because you said something he took wrong? Calm down. Even if he did it would be becaue of HIS state of mind not because of something you said.

Ease up on yourself you are not the counsellor, the protector or saviour of anyone. Look after your own emotions and mental health first and foremost or you will be a useless mess to everyone including yourself.

I knew he was depressed, and was trying to talk him out of it. I said something that he took in a different manner than I meant, which made it sound like I was encouraging him to commit suicide. It's alright though, I managed to get a hold on him. He didn't do anything dumb, thankfully...