How to respond - need male perspectitive

Well, to make a very long story short.

We have been having problems for almost 3 years now. This last year has been extremely difficult for me. I have found names, numbers, prices of escorts last August after he came home from a business trip. Since then I have discovered two more escorts, one on his cell phone from a prior trip and another from another trip. He seemed to have ligitamate excuses for all of them. We went to counseling for a short time and then he just didn't have time for the counselor anymore. Then I discovered some viagra missing 2 to be exact, that given the circumstances and the counseling. Wouldn't you think that you would have told your wife when you took them? Then I found a email account that he had with an alias name on it. His anger was incrediable this time when I confronted him. He said to me about the email I quote "I don't have to tell you a ****ing thing" I said no you don't and hung up on him. We didn't talk for days after that and I began sleeping in our daughters old room. I was going to school at night and he works during the day which made it perfect for now. He came home at lunch time that Thursday and wanted to talk and I told him I was done talking. The conversation actually went ok, meaning there was no yelling. Still didn't get any answers. Other than he swears he is telling the truth. I told him I don't believe you. Your answers don't make any sense and they contradict one another. Anyway, we got intrupted by our oldest daughter coming over to drop her dog off. So that was the end of that. He left two days later on a 3 week long trip. Since then we have had little discussion about this. I did take him to the airport, but later regreted doing it. As I think that gave him a false sense of security that everything is ok now. So I sent him an email telling him that I didn't mean to do that - that nothing has changed. So, long story short here too - I told him that I was done trying to fix our marriage that I had been trying to reconnect with him for a very long time. I knew something was happening and tried to stop it, but couldn't. So it was basically up to him to figure out a way to somehow, someway prove to me that he wants our marriage to work. As in the past there has been no effort on his part what so ever. He did ask me what I was going to do. I told him I am going to go back to counseling for me.

So, here is where we are at now. He came home yesterday. I picked him up. Again our conversation was limited to generic stuff as it has been for a very long time. We went to dinner and came home and watched TV for a bit and went to bed. But, he was expecting me to go into our bed which I did not. When he was gone I moved all my stuff into our daughters bedroom. So that is where I was staying. While he was away, I knew that they had 2 days off before they flew home as they couldn't get on an earlier flight. He said him and some of the other guys were going to go do some shopping. Well, when I got up this morning there was this note on the counter that said:

Here is something that I bought for you! I hope you accept it and you like it. I miss us and love you

Ok, the note was nice, but it was a ring in this little pouch. But here is the kicker I think anyway - it was a puzzle ring, it is about 3 sizes too big and it is ugly. Very, very cheap. I think those rings are probably about 10 bucks or so. So, my thoughts are - the note is nice, the ring, there was absolutely no thought put into that what so ever. He probably spent more time picking out the coffee mug and shot glasses he bought than he did that. Besides that I am not a jewelry person, and most certainly not a into big jewelry. You would think he would know that after 27 years.

So, what do ya think? What should I say about the ring? The truth or just that it was a nice jester.

Why wont you leave him? If you dont midn me asking?

That it was a nice gesture, but stick to your guns. And I'm sorry, but how do you have a "legitimate" excuse for having the numbers of escort agencies in your phone?

All signs point to cheating, from what you say. He must understand how serious you are about everything. If he were to put forth the effort, would you want to save the marriage?

Sorry for whats going on ........but you would have to be a total idiot to not know something is going on ......YOU'RE in DENAIL

Quote

He seemed to have ligitamate excuses for all of them.

Trust me you busted him and their was no ligitamate excuse ........

Cheating means its over ......you will never be the same again ....

Do you want to sit around and torture yourself to death .....let him go, you deserve better.

Cheaters have to lie to cover their tracks .....they will switch it on you everytime.

I hate cheaters .......its the worst

Let him you .....

Kuhl

I am not so sure the ring was a nice gesture. It sounds like it was more of a passive aggressive gesture to throw you off the trail. If it was a romantic gesture he would have given it to you in person the night before. The fact that it was a cheap ring, too big, not your style suggests to me that he bought it for you as a slap in the face...kind words in a note with a tacky gift he knew you wouldn't like. This guy is acting up...I wouldn't doubt that he has cheated on you. After this long in a marriage he would most certainly know that the ring is not your style. In a very subtle way he is disrespecting you. The ring was not given in good faith.

There was only one escort (lady not agency) on the cell phone bill. The others were written down on papers I found. Guess I should have put he thinks they are ligitamate excuses/answers. When I first found the names and numbers he said he just wanted to call and to see if one of them would talk to him as he claims he has lost his sex drive. All of the other stuff was long after that when I started checking into stuff. But the other two were prior to the names and numbers.

27 years is a long time to just throw away. However, I do believe he has a sex addiction problem and needs help. Will he get it I don't know. I think that he did not think any of this was this serious until now. Now that I have moved all of my stuff out of our room. I think he realizes now just how serious this all is.

I did tell him that if you are telling the truth go take a lie detector test and let's be done with this crap. He said maybe that is what he needs to do. So, I have contacted a polygraph expert in the area. So we will see if he will even take it. In another conversation he did say he was sorry he had did this to us. Meaning just the breaking of the trust. He didn't know how to fix it. I told him I didn't either. So I did some checking online at several different sites. Told him and even sent him links and articles. They all said the same thing - even the counselor said the same thing. You have to be totally honest and accountable 24/7. I told him my fear is that you won't let your ego and pride go to do that. Well, that was way before the viagra and the alias email account.

I am sticking to my guns. If he does nothing then it is over and I think he knows that now. So we will see. I am going to continue to sleep in the other room.

Still don't know what to say to him about the ring. The cheap a** ring. To put this in perspective. When he was in Poland he brought me back a Swarski necklace and earings. He bought me a beautiful pendant and birthstone ring for my birthday. What the hell is up with this puzzle ring? Should I just be honest and say - figured you needed to get me something and someone was selling this on the street corner - or What?

Well, so it isn't a cheap ring. if you go to link removed to the right therre is a 6 band tri-color 14K puzzle ring.

So, now what? This is also the turkish wedding band.

It is also from Aydin - Rose Diamond not a cheap place. Boy do I feel stupid now.

However, it doesn't change anything.

So why does he continually get you expensive jewelry ever time he goes away? Did he always do that or has it been since you started suspecting him of hanky panky? Can you think back over the years and in retrospect, recognize any signs of infidelity? Is he going through a mid-life crisis right now?

No, he has never done that in the past. It has only been in the last couple of years. The birthstone stuff he was home when he got that for my birthday. I have never ever been a big jewelry person.

Thought about the mid life crisis many times. Also, he was diagnosed with MS about 2 years ago. We think the doctor was a nut case. But, that too could have something to do with it. Plus we were having all kinds of problems with our oldest daughter drinking and stuff. She used to be his right hand snowmobile partner and then friends and drinking become her priority and not him. she stood him up many, many times. So, a lot of the things he was saying (answers) could very well of been true, but, I keep finding more and more stuff that like the one person said, it is obvious and I have been in denial for a while I think. Who in their right mind would want to believe otherwise? On the same hand who in there right mind would believe all the stuff now? I asked him that who would believe all this crap. No one.

He does not have a sex addiction problem. He is definitely cheating on you and the only "problem" is that he got caught.

As far as male perspective, I would submit the following:

Viagra- NO he's not going to tell you he took it! Whether it was for you, or someone else, so just forget about that right now.

The ring- is there any possible clever or subtle reason he would get you something like that? Is he a funny type of guy, joker, etc? Or maybe he's trying to communicate something by it, and hopes you will "get" it? Do you think maybe the design of it could be indicative of something, as opposed to the value and size? Think about it carefully, especially in light of all the other "legit" jewelry he's bought you.

I'm not one to attempt to give advice to someone who has been married 27 years, but just something to perhaps consider before you respond.

Void

He hides things now he never used to hide from me. Like the viagra - he travels a lot and get's jet lag. Yes, he has told me every time he has taken it. Except for this last two. We got it because he said he had no sex drive???? He hides porn, which has never been a problem, He is very distant, very distracted all the time, very angry, very negative, I would come home from work in the afternoon and the front door would be locked. If you read up on sex addiction these are all the signs. He has traveled more in the last two years than he has traveled probably in the last ten. That is what sex addicts do is detach themselves from family and friends. Besides that he has been tested by the doctor many, many times in the last 3 years - nothing is wrong. He isn't old enough to have this kind of problem either still in his 40's.

I did tell him the ring was very nice and thanked him for it. But, it doesn't change anything. He said I know I just got it for you.

Since he has been home it has been same old same old for him. Or at least he is trying to make be that way. It is just generic conversation again. Except now I don't engage in the conversation too much I give him direct short answers. I am still sleeping in daughters room and will continue to do so. The weekend is here now and I know he is going to want to go and do somethiing with other people. I think I need to just tell him look we are not a couple right now and I think we should stop behaving as if we are.

Someone else said if I have him take a lie detector test and he passes then what. Don't you think he will rescent you for having him take it. I said I don't care at least I will have peace of mind. I didn't do this to us and absolutely refuse to take any blame for it. And if he fails then what? I said I don't know I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I don't have all the answers, I have never been in this position before and most certainly never thought I would be either. We have always had a great marriage one other people used to envy. This is quite the shocker for me. I am literally an emtional wreck. I am ok one minute, crying the next, then angry, then just numb, I get spurts of engery and clean, clean clean. I feel so out of control most of the time. Mostly overwhelmed by it all and I really don't know what to do or how to even act. My girlfriend says I put on a great fasod (sp) she never knew anything was wrong. How did I keep all this inside. Guess I felt ashamed of his behaviors and didn't want anyone to know.

I read so many posts on here. I would say 99% of the cheaters on here have confessed to their spouses. Mine is still not owning up. Why is that can anyone tell me? Is it because he knows I have no definate hard evidence. Or what? I just don't get it. He did say to me so I tell you I did all these things then what - that would be like confessing to murder when you didn't do it. What the heck does that mean?

What are anyone's thoughts on a lie detector test?