My wife doesn't find me attractive. Can this be fixed?

I am very new at this...as a matter of fact this is my first posting of any kind in a site like this.

I have been married for over 15 years and my wife and I have two wonderful children with a third on the way. So much of our marriage is wonderful and to most on the outside we are the idyllic couple.

We get along, have similar interest, travel together, share great friends, etc. I find her beautiful and ever more so the longer we are married. I think she is an amazing woman in almost every respect and really the only point of contention in our relationship is sex.

I want it more than she does...which doesn't seem that abnormal. She has had her testosterone checked and it was at the very lowest end of normal. She doesn't masturbate more than every other month or so, and she doesn' have sexual dreams or find herself attracted to many others...or so she tells me.

We have seen a sex therapist and a marriage counselor because she seems to jump to the conclusion (on and off for the past 7+ years) that if she doesn't want to have sex with me then she must not be attracted to me or "in love" with me.

Here is the kicker...I am a pretty decent guy I think. I am overweight but I carry it pretty well I am told. I am no Brad Pitt...but for the most part I look good. I make a very good living and I treat my wife like a princess not because she demands it, but because I want to. She is fine driving a VW or a Mercedes and although we live in a beautiful waterfront home, she would be happy in somethings less spectacular.

We vacation 3-6 weeks each year and do extravagent dates often. The vacations are often in 5 star resorts and we bring the kids and a nanny for help.

I have sent her on spa trips with girlfriends as well as weekends on her own. She has help with housekeeping as well as with some nanny help about 15+ hours each week. I tell her she is beautiful and I mean it. I buy her random gifts, call her out of the blue to tell her I love her, remind her what a wonderful mother she is and thank her for the things she does to keep our house in order.

I am not a super star lover, but I will do anything she wants me to at any time without question. We have a number of friends, I serve on charitable boards and own my own company and my self confidence is pretty strong except in the area of body image.

All in all...I think I am a decent guy.

But when it comes right down to it...she doesn't want me sexually. She is pretty sure she isn't attracted to me and she doesn't want to do the homework assigned by the sex therapist to try and work those muscles. Her therapist doesn't hear the whole story and basically pacifies her and makes her feel good, but doesn't seem to be giving her direction on how to fix this.

I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to be married to a woman who doesn't want to be with me.

What now!?!

Being pregnant and having two small children could definitely have an effect on the libido.

You sound sensitive and care taking, so that is great.

Did she used to be hotter for you, earlier on in your relationship? Or has she always had a lower sex drive?

Try not to take it personally, even tho it's very hard not to. I have a feeling she's a bit overwhelmed, even with your incredible support. She may be tired and also pressured by the constant needs of children....... Maybe you two should try one of those 5 star resorts without the kids.....

How old is she?

Thanks luvs2kayak. She has always had a lower sex drive and has indicated that she may not have been attracted to me sexually for most or all of our marriage. It isn't that we don't have great sex at times...but honestly it is a bit rare.

Thanks again for the input...I wish it was just now during the pregnancy, but we saw the sex therapist three years ago.

She is 37 also. Very fit. We do know that both her sister and her brother have very low sex drives as well...but knowing that it might be genetic or chemical doesn't ease her mind that she might not love me. She does say she loves me and can't imagine another man she would want to be with...but that doesn't ease the pain too much.

you need to see a therapist together. She needs both of you together in order to help the marriage. Maybe you are, I just got the impression that only she was going

She is 37 also. Very fit. We do know that both her sister and her brother have very low sex drives as well...but knowing that it might be genetic or chemical doesn't ease her mind that she might not love me. She does say she loves me and can't imagine another man she would want to be with...but that doesn't ease the pain too much.

It could be hormonal, but that doesn't mean anything if she's not sexually attracted to you.

I'm sorry -- it must be very hurtful to hear that she feels that way. I don't really think sex equates with love, it's more an expression than a validation-- so it worries me that she questions her feelings for you because she doesn't have the sex drive...... It's not like she's hot for other guys or anything..... she just doesn't have the desire to begin with.....

If I can ask, how often do you two have sex?

Feel free to ask any questions you like...it's the internet so I have no secrets We have actual intercourse about once each week...but it is more to passify me then out of desire for her. To be honest I would prefer other forms of sexual gratification than intercourse if she is just doing it for me. For some reason I feel like if we are having sex then it should be because we both want to, but if she is just taking care of my other ways that is fine. Is that weird?

doyathink...what do you mean by "that doesn't mean anything if she's not sexually attracted to you" Are you saying that if she doesn't want to have sex with anyone...including me...then she will not be attracted to me?

Well, personally, I'd rather gratify myself than to be with someone who wasn't that into me... or was just doing it out of obligation...

You really need to get at the root of her low libido. If she isn't willing to do that, and doesn't feel it's important, can you live with it? That's the hard question...

Personally, I am 52 years old and feel that sex is highly important in a relationship, even at my age...

You said...'she seems to jump to the conclusion that if she doesn't want to have sex with me then she must not be attracted to me or "in love" with me.'

and

'But when it comes right down to it...she doesn't want me sexually. She is pretty sure she isn't attracted to me'.

She is saying she isn't sexually attracted to you. And that...has nothing to do with hormones.

If it were purely hormonal, then I'd say she just needs to up her intake of testosterone...

Though i hate bringing bad vibes to the table or the bearer of the bad news but i dont think things will change.

So do you set her free or just go on with it?

Im not sure that you toning up will help her get over wanting 'something different'.

It hope it works out for you.

Well, your problem, frankly sounds horrible. Well, it sounds she/ y'all had some of theses issues from the beginning, probably before you were married. I feel bad for you.

Can you describe your sex life more? PM if you want

Also, I don't get this vibe from you at all, but any history of verbal or physical abuse?

This kind of issue is so fundamental "not being attracted to you" that for most people the advice would to be break up and go your separate ways.

But in light that you have been married for years and are about to have your third child, it is understandable you want to try to work things out. Well, in order to improve things beyond the current situation you are going to have to get drastic. First of all I would say the issue seems to be with your wife. But, you can't control her mind or her actions. You can only alter your behavior, so I would try everything you can to make yourself more attractive. Lose a little weight, dress nicer. Read some material on seduction and picking up women. Re-invent yourself. Maybe you should quit placating her, so much.

I think you also need to let her know she is not being fair to you or her marriage and family. I would maybe find another/addn'l therapist, maybe even a religious-based one.

I am by no means suggesting you should play games with her, but it seems like she would only start working on this important aspect of your relationship if she felt she would lose you otherwise. And it will probably come to that kind of crossroad at some point...... unless you have extreme patience......

Good feedback from everyone, although not everything I want to hear. I'll try and address everyone's questions and comments:

1. No physical abuse of any kind and the only real verbal abuse would be a typical stupid comment in an argument. We are actually decent at communicating and don't yell at each other. I tend to be a bit of a * * * * when arguing and remain calm which seems to be effective at pissing people off...but most would describe me as fairly open and nice.

2. Our sex life is decent from most perspectives. She can be creative or at least give in to my desires at time. She typically doesn't orgasm with intercourse but with oral sex she climaxes always. I actually just picked up a book on oral sex and from what I've read...I appear to be pretty good at it. What a relief! I don't last forever...maybe 3+ minutes of actual intercourse...but that has a lot to do with the fact that my wife prefers that the thrusts are quick and that I don't stop or slow down. Everything I've read says I'm supposed to make it last, change speeds, etc...but once I do she loses the groove.

3. I've called some therapists. She and I had a long heart to heart last night and she assures me that she wants to be married to me and that she loves me. I do trust her considering how brutally honest she is willing to be, so I believe that she hasn't had any affairs and that she isn't attracted to anyone else. (barring Brad Pitt et al.) We will do therapy, but I'm a bit skeptical considering the last two therapists didn't really solve anything. They said that we are obviously in love, a great couple, that we have wonderful communication and that it could just be a sex drive issue...but that doesn't seem to take her doubts away.

Thanks everyone...this helps!

4. She did say that maybe "not attracted" was the wrong way to say it. She said that if she wants to hold my hand, cuddle and can climax with me she must be attracted...but she isn't nearly as interested in sex with me as she wants to me. I would guess once/quarter would actually be enough for her.

5. My weight is a big issue, but I am going to do my best to eat right and exercise. I take my weight much harder than she does, and my whole family is big while here whole family is small.

how tall/ fat are you??

like another poster was saying above, maybe you shouldnt worship her so much and kinda make her work a little bit. Be more of a hard ass i guess instead of like cleveland of family guy.

Good Luck.

I'm 5'11" and about 220. Apparently to most I don't look over 200 because I don't have a belly...but I do have love handles.

I don't treat her so well as a way of earning her love...I treat her well because I love her and I enjoy making her happy. If she expected the treatment and treated me worse when I didn't give her great things or do great things for her, I'd be worried. But if I stop doing special things for her just to prove how great I am...then aren't I being a bit childish?

i know exactly what you mean, im the same way but... women are from venus men are from mars.

Just wear the pants thats all.

5'11 220. so your about 35-40 pounds overweight.

no dinners for lunch. more water less pop. no dessert. more walking (dogs?).

start running. 1 lap of something big on mon 2 laps on wed 3 laps on fri.

6 weeks of that and you be right. it doesnt even include the gym.

I figure I have about 45 to lose to be ideal...of course I was 220 when she married me. Maybe I should have mentioned that huh? I have been as low as 170 and as high as 240...yo yo is my middle name. Did my 4th day in a row of eating right and exercising. Now just 50 more years of the same thing!

Thats great. Do it for YOU though. Im sure by the time you reach your goal the ladies will be lining up if they arnt already. Have you made your wife an offer she cant refuse? kinda like "i can buy you whatever you want and give you stability in this uncertain world". Or is your wife genuinly strong and if she wanted to leave you then she would have long ago?

sti...I don't have a definitive answer to your question. My wife has a masters degree, plenty of self confidence and she is very independent...so I think if she just couldn't wait to get out, she would have gone. I believe her that she loves me. The last couple days she is trying to give me hugs, say she loves me and has apologized about 100 times. But we've danced this dance before, which is why I am seeking advice.

That being said, she has a very good life and I think she knows it. If I were in her shoes, I don't know that I would leave just because I didn't want to have sex with my husband.

just to let you know on the weight loss man....I'm 5'11 and 2 months ago I was 220 as well...had to step up to 38" waist and it killed me!

Anyways I have been running on an eliptical runner at the gym darn near every morning for 2-5 miles and been watching what I eat.

Yesterday I weighed myself and came in at 204 and was able to slide my size 34's back on.

Your bod type sounds very similar to mine....sorry to divert but just wanted to chime in on this for you.

Could be libido, but likely it is just from being married and getting into a rut. Plus there are behavioural things here... it is just too comfortable and she no longer feels like she has to win you (as you would in the courting phase!).

So, I think the trick to attracting her is to thing about yourself, rather than her. Do whatever makes you feel better inside. Take yourself to the spa for an hour massage instead of sending her. Get yourself active and take care of your own needs, rather than focusing on her feelings.

Keep on track with losing that weight through moderate excercise - you will find yourself a new, happier person if you do.

What will attract her is the happiness and confidence you find inside after losing weight, and after taking care of yourself. Buy some new clothes. Get a haircut. Spend more time AWAY from her. And stop buying her tons of things.... play a little hard to get. Next time she initiates sex, say you are not in the mood.

Sounds mean, but it will work. You've tried being super nice and things still aren't working, so how bout the opposite approach? Become less available to her, and more available to yourself. It will work.

what she ^ said.

Its good news though that she wasnt just sticking round for a free ride right. She sounds smart so it also means you have a good chance of turning things around. before i thought you were screwed.

Good luck.