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Thread: What do you think about "casually" dating your ex?

  1. #1
    giggle3474
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    Wink What do you think about "casually" dating your ex?

    I would like to get back together with my ex. I am going to be fighting a battle to not resume my old patterns of being needy and controlling and just 'too much' of a girlfriend. Im thinking he might be more amicable to the idea if I were to suggest that we casually date (no commitment, no title) for a bit and just see how it goes. Meanwhile I will be showcasing the new me who is confident and has a life of her own outside of him and is a pretty terrific girl.

    My only problem would be that it is already going to take some real effort on my part to not be the clingy chick he broke up with. And if I knew he were treating this relationship as casual, I think that insecurity would be that much harder to ignore. And even if he is not, in reality, seeing someone else, I may suspect that he is and I almost feel like I could be setting myself up for failure.

    Would I be "settling" to accept this type of relationship? What if I put a time limit on it (say a month) and when the month is up, I tell him - "look, we have been having a great time. I'm so glad to have you in my life and I would really like us to get back together." And then he can choose whether or not he is on board.

    I would love to have him back, but not at any cost. So I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not?? On the flip side, it can be a probationary period for me to really get in there and put the "new me" to the test. I think that even after, if he decided that he did not want to persue exclusivity, I would be ok with that because all along I would have been persuing my own life and creating my own happiness - separate from him.

    Any words of advice from my fellow ENA ers??

    thank u!

  2. #2
    keefy1972
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    I think it is a horrible idea because, as you said, "I would love to have him back" and that statement alone means you ARE NOT prepared to casually date. Besides, you deserve better than just casual. Don't you think?

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    ms.elisemarie
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    DO NOT DO THIS! Please take it from me, as I just went through this same experience with my ex. It will not work and I think we are kidding ourselves to think that it will. You need time apart to heal and it's hard to become stronger and more confident when you are wrapped up with him.

    Unless you have already spent a good time apart, I really advise against this. Please read any of my past threads to get an idea. Obviously, you are not me and it could be different, but ti already sounds like you'd be settling.

  4. #4
    giggle3474
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    No, I doubt I would casually date anyone except him. But I just thought he may feel less pressure and be more comfortable if I didn't represent an "obligation". I figured since in essense, we would be starting over, we should make it be how it was when we first met. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend from the very first date. It took time to grow into that. My hope was that if we could create something new and learn from past mistakes we could grow back into the couple we had been (only better)

    Make sense? or still not a good idea?

  5. #5
    ms.elisemarie
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    How long have you been apart? Have you remained in contact the whole time?

    I don't know, just the fact that you mention several times you'll have to be fighting against your insecurities and being clingy, is a red flag. And I think to start new would be better if you just reintroduced yourself into his life and sussed it out, rather than making it such a formal arrangement from the get go. Do you have any idea what he's feeling?

    After reading your old threads it sounds like your ex really wants space: Give it to him. I didn't and lost out as a result. Even casually dating is crossing a person's want for time apart, I think.

  6. #6
    keefy1972
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    Still not a good idea because you would be sacrificing what you want. He very well may feel less pressure but you would feel like total crap for ignoring your own desires. Yes it is still a bad idea. I would suggest you stop trying to convince yourself that it's a good idea, because deep down, you know it isn't.

  7. #7
    CDizzle
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    Horrible idea! I think it would be better if you tried to casually date OTHER people. Who knows, maybe he'll find out and be jealous and want you back?

  8. #8
    orangesoda
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    I tried this, didn't work. All you'll be doing is giving them the message that it's okay for them to date others (since you are no longer exclusive), and then it'll happen - you'll find them unreachable because they're out with another person - and this will crush you.

  9. #9
    cr44hill
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    I am going to go against the grain here - I think you should do it. You would have to be very, very strong to not let your insecurities show and become clingy. But this can be done. If the alternative is not having him at all, you should do it. This will allow him to see the "new" you and be that much more drawn to you. It would take some time as he would want to make sure it isn't a temporary thing. Optimally, he would start reaching out to you more, etc.

    How long have you two been broken up?

    What is the current situation (communication, seeing each other, etc.)?

    Do you know how receptive he would be to this idea? have you ever discussed it with him?

    Answers to these questions impact how strongly I recommend you follow through with this, but either way I do think you should try it. The longer you've been apart, the more strongly I recommend it.

    Good Luck!
    -CR

  10. #10
    IMAbadman

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    What do you think about "casually" dating your ex?

    Hmmm... that sounds alot like a FWB situation. Don't know.

    To answer your question... yes, I'd casually date my EX.

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