Note: This is very, very long.
In The Beginning:
I met the sociopath in late 2005. It is actually weird because he dated my college room mate/sorority sister before he ever dated me. For that reason alone, I really didn’t want to get involved with him. I could also never remember who he was and we were introduced like 3 times before I remembered the guy. He seemed like a pretty cool guy to hang around with so we did hang out a few times. He would always call me to hang out, but I would rarely answer the phone. In the summer of 2007 I was contemplating going to graduate school out in Chicago. At the time, he was living out there. He sent me a message on facebook telling me he was out in Chicago. I told him that I might be moving out there and he said we should hang out. I never ended up going to Chicago but he ended up contacting me in the fall of 2007. We were chatting on facebook and he asked if I wanted to hang out and this time we actually did. I never expected to fall for the guy, but after the first day I hung out with him, I was immediately impressed. He seemed to be so charming and easy to talk to. He made me feel very comfortable being around him. We dated for approximately 2 weeks before we had gotten into the relationship. I know that was pretty rushed however we had known each other for several years before dating and getting into a relationship with each other. Within two weeks of us getting into the relationship he told me he loved me. I will admit that I had strong feelings for him but I was no where near in love yet. My love for him grew over the first 3 months of our relationship.
He seemed absolutely perfect for me. He would give me cards and roses nearly every other day. He wrote me poems and constantly assured me that he had never loved any other woman the way he loved me before. He claimed he had been in love only once as a teenager and him loving me was the first time he had ever been in love as adults. About one month into the relationship, I logged into his facebook account (he had given me the passwords to both his facebook account and email). Welll I ended finding a message he sent to a young girl (she was a senior in high school). He claimed that he loved her and was begging her to spend one more night with him and that he would pay for the weed and liquor. He also told her that he wanted to spend the night with because he was leaving to go overseas to play basketball. When I confronted him about this he claims it was his cousin who sent the message and he assured me that it was not him. I didn’t believe him and I hauled ass out of there. He then began to call me, text me, and email messages stating that he has never loved a woman the way he loved me, and the only other people he loves in this world is his mother and brother. I was very deeply in love with and decided to figure him and go back.
I relationship seemed to be on the right path. We were engaged to be married and planned on getting our names tattoo on each other. He seemed to be very serious about this and very happy with me. I will admit that we did begin to argue a lot but its like, one minute we would argue then the next we would be in love all over again so our anger towards each other never lasted very long. For Valentines Day, I spent nearly $1800.00 on him. I rented a room at the Hilton Hotel (The Presidential Suite) and showered him with gifts. He only got me flowers, card and candy but I was happy with that because he had just lost his job. When he saw everything I did he was amazed and said that he felt like he was in a movie because no one had done anything like that for him before. He became even more anxious to get married. Not to long after that I found out I was pregnant. We both wanted the child but agreed that we weren’t ready. I ended up getting an abortion.
One day I was at the salon getting my hair styled and he texted me and told me that he had to help his aunt move some stuff around her house and that we would meet up around 4pm. Then he kept making the time later and later in the day, it went from 4p to 6pm to 10pm to midnight. By this time I was completely frustrated. He told me to meet him at his house at 1: 30 am. We then got into an argument and I said I wasn’t coming. For some reason I decided to just go ahead anyway because I did still want to see him. Well when I got there, it was another woman there. He was cheating and had been caught. I flipped out completed, ended up damaging the car and got arrested. I understand my actions were immature and I know I could have handled the situation better. I acted with my emotions wondering how someone who claimed they loved me so much could cheat on me. He ended up bailing me out of jail. His excuse was that he was cheating on me and the girl who was at his house was actually there for his brother. He said that she was actually trying to help him figure out a way to propose to me before he left and went to school. Something in my heart told me he was lying but I was so blinded by my love for this man that I believed him.
From that point on the relationship was rocky and we kept breaking up and getting back together. He became very cruel to me once I found out that he cheated. He was no longer the loving person I once knew. I ended up finding out about a secret facebook page that he had. I had his password to the email account he used to sign up on facebook so I was able to reset his facebook password and log into the account. Well what do you know? I found nearly 16 pages of incoming and outgoing messages to so many different women. Many of the girls were young and attended a high school near his house. He was asking these women to hang out with and gave his number out. One message in particular was sent to a woman in January of 2008 (while we were together). He said to the woman “b*tch you better not have gave me nothing” he also stated that he would tell all of his fraternity brothers that she was a * * * * * . By now I realized this guy had been cheating on me right from the start. When I confronted him about it he got immediately angry with me as if it was my fault and he was upset with me for finding out. He then claimed his brother created the page and sent the messages because he didn’t like me and he didn’t want him to be with me. That was weird because I always though his brother did like me.
I forgave him again. Then on Memorial Day 2008, my family had a barbeque. I brought him to the barbeque and one of my very distant cousins was there. They immediately looked at each other and my cousin stated that she knew him and she began to say “wow it’s a very small world”. When I asked him how he knew her he said that she would always come into the store he worked at and all the guys would try to talk to her but he never did. The entire time my cousin was at the barbeque she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to start trouble. After me and him left she called and told me not to say anything just yet but my boyfriend actually tried to have sex with her in November or December of 2007 (at the very beginning of our relationship). She stated that he picked her up in a blue Taurus (which is my car because he doesn’t have one) and proceeded to take her back to his house. He said he lied to her and told her that his name was Nate and that his mother was on crack. She explained exactly what his house and bedroom looked like. She also said that he kept begging her to have sex and perform oral sex on her. She declined because she felt as if it was something really weird about him. And just so you know my cousin was only 17 years old at the time and a senior in high school.
The End of HELL -
Well by this time I was sick of his sh*t. I confronted him but of course he denied the whole thing and said that my whole family is full or liars. We broke it off again but I had a strong emotional attachment to him and very much in love with him. I went crawling back to him (I know it should have been the other way around). At times I would beg him to come back to me and during a period of about two months he completely played with my feelings. He told me I wasn’t a good woman and that I would never find a good man. He evened had the audacity to blame me for his actions. We reconciled many times over the course of 2 months, but we finally broke it off for good on the 4th of July. I wanted to stop over my family’s house for a second to see if they were shooting fireworks and he immediately got upset and insisted that I take him home so I told him it wasn’t a problem. He then began to say that “he had wasted his fu*king time with me”. I told him he was a very rude, sarcastic mean person that lashes out in anger for absolutely no reason. Once we go to his house he proceeded to take my keys out the ignition and threw them. We started to argue and he began choking me repeatedly (this was not the first time he had done this by the way). At on point he choked me so badly that I began to cry and scream and proceeded to get a way from him then he grabbed me and begged me to hug him stating that he was sorry and just wanted to talk to me. I told him I just wanted to find my keys so I could go. He found them and I proceeded to my car. He then flipped out again telling me that his brother’s girlfriend and no one in his family liked me. I told him I didn’t give a * * * * about any losers in his family or his brother’s girl, he then started choking me again, this time I was terrified and screaming, he threw me in my car by the neck. While fighting with him, he dropped his phone in my car. I drove off and he proceeded to call me numerous times telling me to bring the phone back. I took the phone back then jumped in my car and left. He then called me and told me that he was going to kill himself and that he always loses people he loves and that he was sorry for choking me. Stupidly I felt bad and went back. He was walking around the neighborhood with a knife stating he was going to kill himself. I realized later that he just wanted my attention.
He actually told the woman he cheated on me with that me and him weren’t together and that I had someone beat him up and he hurt his hand. He was trying to get sympathy out of both of his because we both began to ignore him. He actually gave this woman my phone number so she could call me and he even asked me to lie to her and tell her that me and him were in fact not together and that I just couldn’t move on. I made him think I would actually lie for him, but when she called I told her that absolute truth. She had even told me that they were in a relationship and had been seeing each other since February 2008, around the time our relationship seemed to be the strongest. He finally admitted that he cheated on me but he blamed me for his cheating saying he cheated because I had been saying mean things to him and she was being name to him so he fell in love with her. I thought this was absolutely ridiculous but he blamed all the problems in our relationship on me, proceeded to tell me I wasn’t a good woman, and I am stupid for thinking I am a good woman and that I will never find a good man.
He then changed his phone number (which he gave to the woman he cheated on) and never talked to me again. I sent him a few emails telling him that I told he was a sociopath and that he should get a diagnosis. He proceeded to tell me I am stupid and that I just like to say negative things to him to make myself feel better and that is not the case. I really believe something is wrong with him. It went to jail at a very young age and had a very violent childhood where he stayed into trouble. He told me that he killed 189 people in lifetime, the first one being when he was 15 and 3 of them have been on the news in our home town. He told me that the only people that mattered to him were his family and that he had no remorse for anyone else. He also asked me if I knew what a manic depressive was, implying that he thought he may be one. I believe that he inherited his socipathy from one of his uncle’s. He said that the uncle haunts him and sometimes enters his body and he becomes violent. He told me stories of how his uncle would just randomly kill people but ensured me that he killed people for business purposes only, like if they owed in money. He told me that it’s nothing for him to kill someone.
The Beginning of My Recovery
How is it that these people can go from seemingly loving creatures to satanic devils that have no feelings or remorse for there actions or others? The sad part is that I am still in love with this ridiculous excuse for a man and human being. I know I could never go back to him, but he has damaged me in so many ways. He actually makes me think that I am not a good woman even though I did everything in my power to love him and please him. Not only did I move mountains to try and make him happy, I degraded myself by begging and allowing him to physically and mentally abuse me. He still thinks that this was my entire fault, and that he did nothing to hurt me. He blames me for the relationship going haywire. The sad part is that I know he’s already with someone else and I feel so bad for his next victim. I spent nearly $5,000 on this man and I hate that I did it. If any of you think you are with a sociopath, please get out! GET OUT NOW! I have to live with the fact that I was abused in so many ways and I need therapy after all of this. He gets to live his life happy never feeling any remorse for what he did to me or the women he cheated on me with. I know it’s a terrible thing to say but I hope he never gets married or be with any woman long term because he will be sure to ruin her and twist her mind into a huge knot of confusion. I almost wish he would come back begging just so I can tell him to get the hell on!