Need help or advice...

Ok, So I need advice and help, I know am abusive, both verbally but I have hit my ex twice... and I know im a bad guy and im a jerk and that im a piece of trash but that is not why im here, I don't need to hear from all of you how much im dirt... so please don't flame me and just help me... I know I have done some very bad things and hurt my ex who I really do love very much. She broke it off, and I know some of you are going to say oh your just saying all this so you can get her back. Just so you know she doesn't want me back or ever want to speak to me again, and frankly I don't want her back because i know i was bad for her and she deserve so much better than what I gave her... Its not like we were always fighting, its just when we did it got out of hand we would both scream at each other and she would yell and say it was all my fault, but i did love her. I've hit her twice, I know im scum should never had done that at all, and I regret it everyday, i regret hurting her, because I do love her so much... we were suppose to get married in the fall, and i screwed that up... anyways when i hit her i honestly lost all control, it was like I would black out and didn't even know what was happening then after it happened i felt so low and hurt and felt sick... but i have helped myself in the process of fixing myself I did tell her I would never hit her again and that was about 9 months ago and I never did, we still fought but I never hit her again, however im not here to get any congratulations but more advice, since the break up I have focused on my life, and making sure I am happy, I don't know if anyone is religious that is reading this but I also decided I would re-focus my life on God... I have notice significant change, but I know I still have anger problems. Before the break up I had started going to the VA for some psychotherapy and I'm going to continue to do so... but I know I still get upset and angry but I don't communicate like a do anymore... I don't want to be the guy that says he wants to fix himself but reverts back to the way he is. I honestly lost the love of my life, I wanted to be with her and marry and have a family, and my problems took that all away from me, and well I don't want that to happen again. So I'm here asking for advice and help, maybe from some people that have been where I am and are now healed, or are in the healing process... or just from victims that have always wanted to say something to someone like me... I am will to listen with mind, body, soul, spirit and heart... I do have abuse in my past... and I have also been diagnosed with minor depression, adjustment disorder, and schizotypal with narcissistic features (whatever that means) and PTSD... so any advice or help would be very much appreciated... please... also thank you for reading this it took awhile to type.

John

I think you are going on the right path with going to therapy.

And i think that your girlfriend was right to leave you.

However, you have such a good attitude about this, i can tell you really love her because you want her to be happy. I dont know exactly what type of responses you are looking for.

If you really love this girl, then give it time. Do your best and keep working on your problems. If she loves you, she will eventually see that you are a changed person and maybe things can work out for you two.

Good luck

Good luck, John. I don't have any experience with this sort of thing, so I hope it's okay if I just pray for you.

Thank you Ashleigh and Tom for your comments. If anyone else has something to add that would be greatly appreciated...

John

well i can tell you that i am not sticking up for you but people make mistakes and Im glad that you realize that you have made mistakes and you want to redeam yourself. I am glad that you are willing to let god into your life... I also have a history of violence in my life and I also have depression and anger problems so i understand that this is not an easy thing to deal with. I will pray for you and Continue to do what you are doing. You are on a bright path to a sucessful recovery!! keep it up!

Man I have to say WOW!! I feel for you. Everyone has different self control levels. Some definitely have some neuro imbalances and need meds to help but I feel those that have a lack of self control are usually found more noticeable to those that do not know the tell tale signs and 1 cope with it or 2 help to deal with it. What I mean by this is, 2 people can love each other to death for all the right reasons but, both are never equal in how they deal with anger and emotions. It is up to each partner to acknowledge what brings out the worst in the other and learn how to communicate through it all. If an argument escalates and the other such as your ex was struck once before she should have considered to STOP the arguing in its tracks knowing how irrate you get and walk away to let things cool down. But majority of people do not do this. It's life and a fact. It is GREAT that you want to help yourself and I feel you are doing the right thing. But think real hard and strong on what triggers your anger and write it all down on paper and be sure to let the next partner know what those weaknesses are. Noone really wants to argue. And there aren't many couples who don't escalate their arguments to some sort of verbal abuse and or violence. The USA is made up of approximately 68 -72% breakups and divorces. It's all a power thing these days. Learn to control yourself and not the other is the most important thing. If you do not want to live life a single man you have to learn how to turn away in an argument and go cool down. This is the hardest thing to do sometimes because your mind is so tense and the adrenilin is flowing rapidly. All arguments have to end with understanding or nothing ever is accomplished or resolved and 2 people go at each others throats are never going to get a resolution if one of them uses violence. Your violent action is YOU trying to CONTROL her. No one deserves this. COMPROMISE is KEY!! I totally agree with Ashleigh in that your Ex left you. I do not feel anyone should judge you for being bad or scum. The RIGHT woman will UNDERSTAND YOU and that is what you need. You need to understand her and she needs to understand you. Acceptance of who each other are and the way they are. Well, I hope this helps. Good Luck. Feel free to contact me privately if you want to talk one on one.

Well, I admire your courage for posting here.

Well, with anger problems, the best thing to do is to walk away from a situation that is escalating and continue talking when things have calmed down a bit on both sides. When any argument gets to the point of raised voices, one of you needs to say "whoa, this is getting heated. I need to calm down a bit, so we can talk this over properly. How about we think things over and talk later?"

Anger problems will probably take awhile to cure since they are ingrained habits. Like any habit, it takes time to reduce their grip and you may always have to be vigilant against your temper.

One poster mentioned that your ex might come back. I would not pin your hopes on this for two reasons. One, many experts say that once a relationship involves abuse, even if both sides want to fix the problems, the patterns are often too ingrained to overcome. Two, if she left you, she might not want to risk getting attached to you again. If my ex came to me promising he had changed, I would not even for a second think about going back. The risk of being hurt is too great, and I would not really be able to believe that he had really changed - heard his promises during the relationship too often.

Do this for yourself and for any future relationship you might have.

I hope you continue to go to therapy and try out any medications they recommend for depression and other disorders.