Do I have reason to worry?

I'm going to attempt to keep this as short as possible. Thanks in advance to all that read and respond.

My girlfriend has a male friend at work, and lately they've been spending much more time together. Now, there's nothing wrong with her having friends, male or female. However, this guy is married and has a kid. He's also been giving small gifts to my girlfriend almost every day for quite some time (usually drinks or snacks). But then Saturday came and she kinda broke down. Apparently he went out of his way to not only buy her a book he thought she'd like, but they also went to a diner alone together after work. She did this without telling me in advance, and only told me after a bit of prodding; I called to see where she was and that she was alright. All this is well and good.

Last night I made the mistake of looking through my girlfriend's cell phone. And it was a huge mistake. I found a text from her to this coworker-guy friend which said "You're the brightest light in my sky." He responded with something like "I only am reflecting the light you give off... You make me a better man." Does that seem like something people who are "just friends" would say? Needless to say, I am terribly hurt by her comment. I'm supposed to be the light of her life. She claims she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and yet she thinks another guy is the best part of her life.

What do I do? Should I confront her about this or let it go? Do you think this constitutes an emotional affair? She says she would draw back from anyone she thought she was getting too close to. Am I overreacting?

She loves new "attention and adoration" if it goes beyond that it'll be because she wants it to - and you can't control it.

You can talk about waht she's doing -but talking about it whilei t brings it out in the open - is likely to end the relationship.

Can yo ulive with her enjoying the attention, flirtation, and adoration of other men (he's not the first), while she's faithful to you and aligns with you in a relationship?

That sounds like something to be worried about. She is hiding things from you. That means she thinks there is something to hide. I would at least try and talk to her about it. She what she says about this guy.

I agree with excalibur, it's going to get messy if it comes into the open but can yous eriously sit back and think it doesn't matter?

It's possible she will oneday start comparing him, what he says and what he does for her, with what you give her...it doesn't sound like just friends...he's wooing her from under you nose and I wonder what the wife would think.

XXXX

dude.. is hard to say.. how far she will take it.... if its just inocent flirting and she no intrest to cross the line with him... then no you have nothing to worry about....

but i am sure the guy will just keep pushing and pushing it forward... because he prob is bored with his marrige and wants to get laid by your gf...

now the question is.. if the days and weeks wind down and you dont say anything.. she will get a sense that she is getting away with it... and this will be execting to her... and one day out drinking or dinner he will push the envolope a little more and she will cross the line and cheat on you.. bam and thats all it took... and she will wake up and totaly regrede it.. and either will end it with the guy or depending on her values she will contuine it... i have seen this so many times in rel with other coworkers...

either way your not in a good situation.. you confront her and she will turn it around on you for snopping on her phone... or you let it go and she might cheat on you....

its never a good sign when your SO likes attention from other guys or is attracted to other people and acts on it... its basically the beg to the end...

i would either confront her and stand your ground even if she tries to turn it around you... or give it a little time and do more investgating.. and see where she takes it....

GOOD LUCK.....

The thing is, I know the guy somewhat. He is very nice... but almost too nice. Does that make sense? He's friendly to everyone, but I think my girlfriend is the only one he buys stuff for. At first glance he seems supportive of our relationship and everything, but then out of nowhere I discover these comments. Am I possibly taking them out of context?

The thing that always gets me is whenever I act annoyed about my girlfriend hanging out with her ex or other guys she plays the trust card. It's always something to the extent of "don't you trust me?" Not everything is about trust, sometimes it's more about respect for your partner. Oh and I also saw texts from her ex that angered me a bit. First of all, he called her "love" in one of them and "hun" in the rest, and ends all the texts with "hugs and chus." I assume "chus" is some nickname for kisses. Who knows. If that were my ex sending me texts like that, I'd promptly tell her to cut the * * * * , and probably not continue speaking with her. Then again, I actually respect my girlfriend.

ouch ..there is something going on there- thats not just friendship...

i would keep my eyes wide open and watch this situation carefully.... should you end things right now? i dont know .. its not clear as to what is going on exactly- but she's definitely diving into dangerous waters.

"and I wonder what the wife would think"

Those are my exact thoughts. He's made it a point to tell my girlfriend that his wife is going through postpartum depression. I mean, this is just me, but if I had a young child, I certainly would NOT plan to go to work early in order to meet a female coworker at the movies. I'd be spending it at home with my wife and baby. Because, they had plans to do just that. Those plans got canceled, fortunately. And I wonder what his wife would think about the extra expenditures on my girlfriend.

These things cross two lines. First, they cross the line with respect to their respective relationships- he's married and should invest this energy in his wife and kid and she should be building a future with you. Second, they cross the boundary that is set by the fact that they are co-workers.

I think she plays the 'trust card' to disguise what's going on. It's hard to tell what your next step should be- seeing that the things that cross the line are mostly things that are expressed in text messages that you found by going through her phone. But how you found them doesn't change the reality, and knowing what you know now, no, you didn't trust her because there were reasons not to. I'd address it to her in a calm manner (if possible), talk from your perspective, and see what she has to say.

Take care.

Watch you back and protect your heart - it can't end well.

XXXX

i would either confront her and stand your ground even if she tries to turn it around you... or give it a little time and do more investgating.. and see where she takes it....

The only good sign is that this is the first time I've seen any true flirting by my girlfriend towards him. She also wished his family well, which I guess means good will towards the wife.

The thing that gets me the most is that after the movie episode, the guy told my girlfriend that maybe he should "back off" so as not to hurt our relationship. Yet, he continues this stuff. And he also said that he can understand my point of view and realizes that things can seem a bit fishy. Yet, like I said, the march continues forward. I hate people who say one thing and do another. He is a very smooth talking individual. Trait of a con man.

Look....the guy is a married man with no intention of leaving his wife, his child, and his financial holdings. HE wants "free or extra' attention - and maybe sex.

If your girlfriend is interpretting it that he thinks SHE is special or spectacular, she's the one in immature delusional denial.

This guy hits on everybody and tells them how special they are - and people that don't know how unique they are, believe what he's saying is directed at them personally - they don't see it as a way for him to have an inroad to attention, adoratio, maybe extra sex.

Mature, self-responsible and accepting people know that someone walking up out of the bblue and telling you how great, special, wonderful and spectacular you are - they don't know you from Adam, there is no way they know this, and this is just a line..meant to get attention and/or more.

These things cross two lines. First, they cross the line with respect to their respective relationships- he's married and should invest this energy in his wife and kid and she should be building a future with you. Second, they cross the boundary that is set by the fact that they are co-workers.

 

I think she plays the 'trust card' to disguise what's going on. It's hard to tell what your next step should be- seeing that the things that cross the line are mostly things that are expressed in text messages that you found by going through her phone. But how you found them doesn't change the reality, and knowing what you know now, no, you didn't trust her because there were reasons not to. I'd address it to her in a calm manner (if possible), talk from your perspective, and see what she has to say.

 

Take care.

She plays WoW with him, and apparently the guy's wife has blown up a few times that he is online rather than investing time in her. I can't fault him for wanting a bit of his own enjoyment/relaxation time. From what I've been told, he doesn't hang out with other guys at bars or anything. My girlfriend tries to play another trump card in regards to this. She claims he doesn't have many friends and that she's just trying to be nice to him. This is an excuse to hang out.

Honestly speaking, I don't think she intends to cheat. I think she just is a bit of an attention * * * * * . And yes, that is a bit problematic to me, because he attention needn't be focused on other men. I have treated her as best as I possibly can, and I have helped her pay off large debts that she'd otherwise be in collection for. I don't need to worry about competing with another man's gifts. I believe I've been far more generous than any other guy in her past, present, or future.

Yeah, this is just no good, no matter how you look at it.

I would avoid admitting that you checked her phone, no matter what. You don't even need to mention that-you have plenty of other evidence.

Plans for a movie? Buying gifts? Dinner alone without telling you? Semi-intimate texts? Dude I really hate to say this but yes indeed this is emotional cheating, even if it hasn't gone past that. If she was truly just friends with him and had absolutely no other interest then she would see all this attention for what it is-and she would put an end to it.

OK-have to say this-you may think he is nice, and I don't know him, but from what I have read this guy is a complete dog.

I would just sit her down and list the things that you know are going on, excluding the phone issue, tell her that it makes you completely uncomfortable, that it is not a matter of trust, but respect, and ask her to not see this person or accept gifts or personal emails or texts or whatever.

And watch her reaction carefully-again, it's a matter of respect. If my gf told me that something going on was making her very uncomfortable and asked me to stop, no matter what I would say of course, because I love her that much. I might tell her there is nothing to it and maybe she is over-reacting, but the bottom line is if I was doing things like that for another girl, or accepting things like that from another girl, even if it was innocent, I would stop if my gf was bothered by it...

But in this case it sounds less than innocent, on both their parts. Protect your heart in this and you have my best wishes...

Okay...that explains it.

She'd be in debt if you didn't pay her debts...and so she thinks of you as a "daddy" rather than a lover - and your attention doesn't make her feel grown up girl special - it makes her feel "princess special".

Stop rescuing her from herself......and watch what happens - your wallet will grow if nothing else.

uh yeah. definitely say something. I say something to my boyfriend even in a joking way if im even remotely paranoid (and I KNOW its for no reason.). This, to me, IS for a reason.

What exactly should I say to her? Should I give her an ultimatum making her choose him or me?

Well just ask her the honest truth. What exactly IS going on between them. You have the right to know that. Just ask whatever it is that YOU need to know and go from there. And if all this is worth it to stay with her if this is gonna continue on with him.

If it came down to that, yes. But that's not how to approach it. I would do what I wrote earlier and just sit her down and tell her why these things are hurting you, and ask her to stop. Then if she says no, well, she has made that decision and you can walk away with your head high and look forward to MUCH better things...because this one doesn't sound fun, or fair...

What exactly should I say to her? Should I give her an ultimatum making her choose him or me?

Well, that would be taking things a little bit too far. I think you should start out by just telling her how the situation made you feel and that you're sorry that you went through her phone but that you found things that worry you and need to be discussed. Take it from there- don't start blaming her directly, you don't know if things are in a way that it's 'you or him'.

The talk is not meant to give her an ultimatum, it's to make her aware of your boundary and your feelings about this. If she takes your relationship seriously, she will respond and you can discuss things.

I hope things aren't as bad as they may look. Keep us posted, ok?

Basically - you wouldn't be asking her to choose between apples and apples.

she justifies what she's doing in taking emotional element and time away from your relationship with "he's married, I wish him and his wife well, I am NOT having sexwith that man (Monica - under the oval office desk on your knees - that was sex - LOL)

He justifies what he's doing as it's harmless flirtationthat makes me feel good about myselfand I'm not sleeping with her.

You're asking her to chose between someone that pays her debts, enables her lifestyle, that she's socially aligned with to family and friends - and someone who has nothing to offer her but attention.

When she's askedto choose - she's going to choose the tangible benefit - but you can't force her not to indulge in the emotional gratification at work, with this man.

This is just her showing you her character..it's not something to do anything about other than assess if you can live with it for now - or forever.

There's always going to be someone she thinks is "way cooler" than you- and seh's going to pursue his attention...and get it until gravity takes over.

Thanks everyone. I lost a ton of sleep over this issue last night. I was laying next to my girlfriend all night wondering how to bring this up in a civil manner that won't cause a fight. I am wrong for snooping, but my worst fears were realized. I guess the consensus was to not bring the phone bit into the conversation and rather focus on all the other evidence.

HEre's a suggestion.

If you approach this like a legal process, you're doomed. You claim to have evidence that she's doing things that in YOUR judgement/evaluation are wrong in terms of the contract she has with you in the relationship. That's not up for a jury of her peerrs to decide - it's up to you to determine.

If you present all this 'evidence' - phone aside or not - she's going to justify every action in situational element as to why it is not what you think it is. But the thing is - you don't think any "one thing" is so horribly wrong...what you think is so wrong is that she's spending time in her head, at her job, in her heart thinking about, attending to, and reveling in the attention and adoration of someone else..that is married with children...that speaks to her character negatively in rational logic.

You're asking her to defend why it's okay to have flirtatious and seductive conversations and secret meetings and dinners with a married man....can you think of right now a rational reason she could give that would change your view of her character, based on her actions? I don't think so.

So when you talk about this - talk about it from the position you hold - not the position youy wish you didn't hold.

She's being amoral and immoral and disrespecting you with her actions...so is she going to stop, and is she going to object to a period of time where she's more accountable thru yyou to technology and personally as to her actions, intentions and whereabouts or not?

Well, that's my opinion at least-listen brother, you have my best-I have been there. Several times, and it sucks out loud. But here's the thing...while it is so hard to let go of the relationship and the inevitable pain that follows, I have always looked back and thought-"dang, I'm glad that's over-it was so unfair to me". It's just a matter of taking the hard steps. And dealing with the pain and time that it takes to get over it.

Maybe your situation will work out differently-maybe she will say "of course, of course I will stop if it bothers you-I love only you and would never hurt you".

But no matter what she has shown you some SERIOUS red flags that you need to always be aware of, at least until after a good bit of time, she proves herself otherwise.

Good luck brother...Michael

"She's being amoral and immoral and disrespecting you with her actions...so is she going to stop, and is she going to object to a period of time where she's more accountable thru yyou to technology and personally as to her actions, intentions and whereabouts or not?"

Completely respectfully, I disagree with this last statement by the poster above. That is a measure of controlling behavior, and you don't want any part of it. There is only one way past all this, and that is to be aware, talk, ask, but don't control. Nothing good ever comes from trying to control another.