Friend of over 7 years has always been in love with me

Hello,

I've never really asked for advice from people about this relationship I have, up until recently. It has always been a bit of a struggle to remain friends with this person because he has been in love with me since I met him over 7 years ago. I went away to a college about 8 years ago and met him at a party in the city I moved to. I went home with him and fooled around a little bit, but it was short lived. The next morning he acted all googly about me. We went on a couple dates, and my feelings went toward the friendship side.

I felt that way ever since, and have not been attracted to him in that way. I have made it very clear how I felt and he has always been a good friend and there for me. Even stood by through all my relationship break-ups with other men. I know he gets insanely jealous and tries to hide it. There have been times in our 7 year friendship where he breaks down and gets mad at me for not wanting to be with him. Periods of time when we dont talk because I have hurt him by going out with him, having too much to drink and flirting with other guys in his presense. There have been times when I havent been the most thoughtful of his feelings, and it has usually been times when I was going through a hard time in my own life and being self destructive and drinking too much.

This friend has done so much for me. Helped me get through college by bringing me to get my computer fixed when I had a big paper due, and driving me to class when it was snow storming in the morning. He has been a great friend who I have always cared about and have had some memorable fun times with. He has always been there for me when he needed me. And I really try to do the same. He has gone overboard sometimes and bought me expensive gifts to which I try to refuse and he gets mad. He has also gotten in the way a few times of my other relationships when he sent me flowers on valentines day or texted me how much he loved me.

For the most part. The fact that I have someone that cares about me and is a good friend, has always been a warming feeling. But there have been other times when I feel guilty and responsible for his feelings. I've never lead him on and I've always been honest with him that I dont see us together. He says having me in his life is the most important thing to him and that even if I were to get married, all he wants is for me to be happy. But then he will completely change to get mad at me and say how all I date is losers and it is an insult to him, who loves me more than any of the men I have dated. But I dont feel that way towards him. I wish I did, because I have been pretty unlucky in love....ANyway.

I have very few friends and I cherrish this friendship but have been starting to wonder if it is too unhealthy for the both of us. It would break my heart and his to loose the friendship. We count on eachother to be there, even though we see little of eachother since we live in different states. But recently, he seems to bring up past situations at bars when I got drunk and left with another man, and he even mentioned that I only hang out with him to use him as a friend to meet other people, when I asked if he wanted to come visit me..It was so hurtful, I dont know if I can be his friend. I'm a bit lost, and we've discussed this, and he says he needs my friendship and that he loves me and is sorry.

He is a manic type of person, and the way he loves me so much really confuses me and weirds me out sometimes. He has not dated anyone in the 7 years I've known him because he compares all girls to me. He does sleep with other women though, but he says he would trade any sex he has ever had with a woman just to be with me and not even have sex. So strange to me....Anyone have any input...This has been quite a strange relationship I think...But even though it sounds unhealthy, it has proven in many ways to be more healthy than any other relationship I've had in the past! Also, he says he dreamed about me when he was a little boy and that I am his "dream girl"..It is all very strange. I know some of you think he sounds obsessive, which I tell him...He would never be dangerous to me, in case you were wondering. He is a good hearted person, who seems to be taken over with this romantic idealized idea of me. He denies that he idealizes anything about me, and that he just loves me and always will forever. Part of me finds comfort in that and part of me is really freaked out by it. I want a normal friendship with him...And for the most part it has been, but maybe it was all just masking the truth...please help...

I'm sorry to tell you, but you will never have a "normal" friendship with him.

He sounds much like my exhusband. He was much more in love with me than I ever was with him when we first started dating - extremely obsessive.

The fact that he is not dating other people sets off red flags for me.

You are correct - I don't see this man as a danger to you. He's only hurting himself by loving you from afar.

You would most certainly be doing HIM a favor by ending the friendship, because he will never get over you any other way.

That is my honest opinion.

Best of luck to you,

~Allie

I hate to say it but this sounds really unhealthy. You might have to end the friendship for his sake. It doesn't sound like he will ever move on if he thinks he has a chance, which being friends with him is giving him the idea there is. It sucks to be in this place. I have been there before. Nothing this extreme they tend to get over it when they fall for someone else. You might have to give up someone important to you for both of you to be happy in the long run.

You have to realize that he does not see you as a friend so that could hardly can be called a friendship. He is giving all he have because he loves you but really he's not getting anything back. Is that fair from you?

Ugh. But it has been like this for 7 years, and his friendship is important to me, and mine is to him. I know that I mean more to him than a friend. But he says even just my friendship is enough to make him happy when he is having a bad day. I live on the other side of the country and have probably only seen him twice in the last two years. I go through periods of not talking to him here and there, but he still gets in touch with me and says he thinks of me every day. Maybe I am selfish to have this friendship, I dont know. I have recently told him I dont think we should have this friendship and that its not healthy for us, and he says that I make him so happy and he would be devistated without my friendship.

Hi hon. It sounds like this man has effectively put his life on hold for you--he's been waiting, hoping, dreaming that one day you'll come around and see the light, and that that his 'investment' in your friendship will pay off. In the meantime you've had a devoted friend who will always always always be there for you whenever you need anything--with no strings attached.

I'll point out the obvious: You don't say much about HIS qualities--for example, that he's funny and smart and insightful, that you have great conversations and he makes you see the world in a different way, that you enjoy his company and want what's best for him. Rather, you list of all the things that he does for you, and all the ways that he makes your life a little safer an a little friendlier.

I don't blame you for letting this continue--time passes quickly and it's very difficult to walk away from unconditional love and admiration--it's like you have your own personal cheerleader and support system following you through life--but I do think it's time to seriously reevaluate this mostly one-way relationship. lIt doesn't sound very fair, to put it mildly, and it just might ruin this man's life.

In my opinion, you need to let him go. He needs to live his life without you. The hard truth is that while he probably DOES think that you're the most wonderful woman in the world (again, this is so hard to walk away from), you are also serving as a FANTASTIC excuse for him not not be brave--to go out and live his own life, be in a real relationship, take real risks, assume real responsibilities. You've provided a Peter Pan fantasy bubble for him to live in--in this bubble he is faced only with the one traumatic issue--will she or won't she--and beyond that he's free from all real relationship joys and responsibilities. He's free to not grow up.

When you look at it from both sides, it seems like you might be using each other for what you each need--but not much of it is very healthy for either of you.

It's been 7 years of him having his behaviour reinforced. It will not change now.

Your friendship isn't important to him. Your presense in his life is important to him because it tells him that one day you'll be with him.

Being in contact with him just reinforces these patterns. To move on, you need to cut ties. Saying you would be devastated without someone in your life isn't healthy, especially if it's been 7 years of mooning after someone. If you want to be his friend you have to cut yourself out of his life.

Keeping him around to boost your ego is selfish. Understandable, but selfish.

Spot on! This is perfectly written, and, probably painful for you to read, but I can think of nothing to add to it.

Allie

The past 7 years he has been trying to win you over. That is the reason for the rides and expensive gifts, and everything..Even when you tell a guy no, a million times, if he is in love with you he will never give up.

I do think it was selfish of you initially to start a friendship with him, knowing he had feelings for you. ..but now 7 years later it would be even more selfish to not be friends with him. Just stay friends. Don't ever flirt with him, don't give the guy false hope. You might even do it without realizing it. When you spend time with him, try and go out with groups of people.

Has he had any girlfriends since you have known him? Maybe try to set him up with somebody.

Keenan, and to all who have responded. I guess deep down I knew what the responses would be, but was hoping not to hear it. I have known for a long time this relationship wasnt too healthy, but compared to most relationships I've had, this one was a gem. Seemed like we both were there for eachother and could count on one another, although I know I let him down a few times. When he fell sick I drove 2.5 hours to visit him in the hospital, when he was going through rough times with his job, I listened to him vent and curse and get it all out. I try to be a good friend, but I know he always has done more for me. I do enjoy my time with him. he tells great stories that always amaze me, and we both feel comfortable with eachother (besides when he is professing his love)....So the friendship does have its good sides....But to cut it off after all this time, when it is not like we even see eachother all the time. He sleeps with other women, but maybe the wrong women. I tell him there is no chance with us, and maybe he always will hold onto that glimmer of hope...Once in awhile when I am lonely and desperate I entertain the thought in my head, but I know I'd never be happy with him....But maybe I should continue to work on cutting this friendship off for his sake...Although I almost think he would remain the same obsessive person even if he didnt hear from me for a year or so.

hmmm, snoopy. Good to hear a different perspective. Yes, when I first met him I didnt realize the extent he liked me, and I had just moved to the city not long before and was excited about having a friend...I think this friendship is a curse and a blessing for both of us. I know that most of you think I have the better side of the friendship, but I really do feel guilty and responsible for his feelings, and it makes me feel crappy about myself....

This is almost my exact situation with the roles reversed, minus the obsession. I have been in love with my friend, with whom I had a sexual relationship for a few months that ended almost two years ago. I have had a really hard time because we had a friendship over a decade before our summer fling, and we have tried to maintain a friendship since then, but it's been hard. I still want to be in a relationship with him, and I still love him, and he has made it clear that he does not want a relationship with me, so maintaining a friendship has been somewhat hard because I'm always looking for something else. And I'm always disappointed when I don't get anything else from him. So my conclusion is right now I cannot be friends with him. It tears me apart, because we have been friends for a long time, just like you and this guy, and I am making this decision, not my friend - he has been OK to keep the friendship (with boundaries of course)...but my personal opinion is that it doesn't work. When two people are in a relationship and one wants something different than the other, than it is lopsided, not equal, and is not healthy or fair to either one.

I am in NC with my guy, haven't told him why, am just staying away. It's the only way for me, and I'm doing it for ME, not for him.

You have to decide if keeping your supportive, feel-good friend is worth it in the long run, if he is never able to move on. It's not an equal relationship. I agree with ROSEPHASE, you may have to give it up for both of you to be happy in the long run, but it sounds like at this point, only you can make that decision objectively. I don't think he will be able to, because if he is like me, he will stay around as long as there's the teeniest tiniest hope left in the world.

Although I almost think he would remain the same obsessive person even if he didnt hear from me for a year or so.

He might. At this point you've become a romantic ideal -- especially if you live far away and rarely see each other. A question you have to ask yourself is whether you're willing to actively fuel his obsession, or whether you should do what you can to give him the best possible odds of recovery. It's in his court--it always has been--but your continued presense gives him hope.

I'm afraid there's a lot of truth in agent's response:

Your friendship isn't important to him. Your presense in his life is important to him because it tells him that one day you'll be with him.

Maintaining a friendship with him--even one in which you only check in once or twice a year--is like adding lighter fluid and oxygen to a fire. Your goal is to let the fire die, so that it can burn elsewhere. You can't start another fire for him, but you can do your part to not fuel the existing one.

I know it's hard, and I'm so sorry.

Thanks again for the help and the advice. I did see a therapist awhile back, and she was the type that let me work through my own issues with little of her own advice. But she seemed to think he was a grown man and could make the decision whether being my friends hurts him more than he wishes and he could cut the friendship off. Does it have to be my decision, when he is the one that has these feelings? I know that if it was the other way around, I would eventually pull away and try to forget about that person and date other people...But then again, I dont know what it is like to feel "in love" like that. It is hard to imagine my life without him...He has been with me from being a naive 21 year old, to a confused (but working on myself) 28 year old...Those are hard strings to cut....But all of your feedback has made me really rethink all of this seriously.

He might. At this point you've become a romantic ideal -- especially if you live far away and rarely see each other. A question you have to ask yourself is whether you're willing to actively fuel his obsession, or whether you should do what you can to give him the best possible odds of recovery. It's in his court--it always has been--but your continued presense gives him hope.

 

I'm afraid there's a lot of truth in agent's response:

 

 

Maintaining a friendship with him--even one in which you only check in once or twice a year--is like adding lighter fluid and oxygen to a fire. Your goal is to let the fire die, so that it can burn elsewhere. You can't start another fire for him, but you can do your part to not fuel the existing one.

 

I know it's hard, and I'm so sorry.

 

 

I am sorry for you too. I know the comfort of unconditional love, because I had it with my ex as well, but, it was still a very unhealthy relationship. I know I could still go back to him, even though he cheated on me. He only cheated for sex. I know that sounds strange, but he still loved me, and still wants me back.

 

There is a small amount of comfort knowing I could go back, but I never would. And he still tells me he loves me all the time.

 

I do know where you are coming from, but this friendship is NOT healthy.

 

As long as you give this man an ounce of hope he will hang in there for the long haul. Believe me, he will.

Thanks Allie,

I will take your experience and your advice to heart. This may be a long process of me reaching a final conclusion in the end, and being strong enough to follow through with it. There is part of me that cant see me being able to just cut him off. I know it sounds cruel to keep him as a friend, but it seems cruel to cut him out as a friend when he has chosen to be my friend this whole time.

You have to realize that he does not see you as a friend so that could hardly can be called a friendship. He is giving all he have because he loves you but really he's not getting anything back. Is that fair from you?

I agree. He doesn't see you as a friend at all. He sees you as the lover that he wishes that he had. I really don't know what to tell you though. No one can say "you should do this" because you're both adults, you both know the score, and it's your choice.

If I were the guy's friend though, I'd definitely be coaching him because he's in desperate need of a life coach. "Even if you get married, I'll still be there for you because I just want to see you happy." Argh. You can only say that to someone if you don't have romantic feelings for them. He certainly does so he's just lying to himself, and in turn, lying to you.

The fact that he can't stay consistent with you, that he goes too far over the top in his adoration, that you two just messed around a little bit at the very beginning and that was it, and yet he still acts like this....

.... Means to me that that he just doesn't want to grow up emotionally. It's easier for him to pour his heart into this person who won't be with him but also won't leave him then it is to invest this energy in another woman, in a real relationship. In a sense, he's just protecting his emotions by projecting all of this onto you. I know how much he thinks he loves you, but I don't think that this is love at all. He's loving AT you and not loving WITH you, and there's a big, big difference.

Real love is a dance. You look for your dance partners cues, study the nuances, step to the same beat. He does none of that. It's like he's afraid to really dance with a partner and would rather just put on a little show in hopes of winning someone's attention.

I can tell that you really care about this guy though, and I'm sure that a lot of it has to do with how well he has always stroked your ego. It's hard to say no to a person who is doing this for you and also not really asking anything in return. When a person comes at you romantically with the "look how selfless I am" dance then it's really not selfless at all. It's the love wolf in the manipulator's clothing. He's only acting selfless toward you, and saying all this to you in hopes of winning you over... in hopes that being "such a good person" will somehow translate for him into romantic worthiness.

I think that a lot of people, but especially men, really confuse "being a good brother or friend" with "being a good potential romantic partner". Being a good romantic partner requires you to make demands of the other person, to ask for what you want, to get angry at the person if they disrespect you, to show consequences when the relationship doesn't go your way. Basically, you have to stick up for yourself.

Romantic love has consequences, period. It's not selfless. Selfless love is love for a friend, for your parents, for your family. These people can all act like raving lunatics at times, and you'll still be there. You don't break up with your sister because you don't like her job. You don't tell your mom to take a hike because you don't like the tone of a letter she sent you. You don't tell your friend that you just don't want her calling you anymore because she won't let you rub your naked body all over her.

Which leads me to my next point. Someone cannot say that they are your "friend", and in the next breath tell you that unless you commit to them, and them only, and unless you get naked with them, and them only that they are no longer going to be your friend. Because again, a friend would not do that. So, it's disingenuous. This guy is NOT your friend. Friends don't throw fits when their friend sleeps with other people.

i m sort of in the same spot as your friend. but i have known this girl for about 2 years only. however, it's not that i don't do things with other women altogether. i do. because she was, until recently with someone else. but i do like her more than a friend. and believe me, it does not feel GOOD AT ALL. i go crazy at the stupid punching bag for hours when i see her getting comfortable with others in front of me. i wouldn't want anyone to be in the same spot as i am. it just really sucks. spare him.

As long as you give this man an ounce of hope he will hang in there for the long haul. Believe me, he will.

I don't know that this is exclusively a man thing, because I feel that way about my friend. He is not giving me any hope, and I still have a hard time with NC, although I believe it is healthier for me.

I too have been in your exact shoes. Although mine was only 3 years rather than 7 years. I'd also like to add that we no longer speak and it's been the healthiest thing for both of us. He was my crutch, my 'soft place to fall' if you will. It's so wonderful knowing that whenever you need ANYTHING, someone is just a phone call away. But it kept me weak and I really needed to learn how to stand on my own two feet. As for him, I recently heard he's doing good now, actually got engaged and is a lot happier.

I'd like to ask you how boyfriends you've had handle your friendship with this guy? I imagine men you date have a hard time accepting this disfunctional friendship?? I know my dating life was crippled because of him.

When a person comes at you romantically with the "look how selfless I am" dance then it's really not selfless at all. It's the love wolf in the manipulator's clothing. He's only acting selfless toward you, and saying all this to you in hopes of winning you over... in hopes that being "such a good person" will somehow translate for him into romantic worthiness.

 

 

I love this Jettison...this is great. I have played the role of the love wolf myself, and you are so on the money about this. I agree totally.

I don't know that this is exclusively a man thing, because I feel that way about my friend. He is not giving me any hope, and I still have a hard time with NC, although I believe it is healthier for me.

No, I didn't mean it as exclusively a man thing....was just using it pertaining to the OP...

Thanks Allie,

I will take your experience and your advice to heart. This may be a long process of me reaching a final conclusion in the end, and being strong enough to follow through with it. There is part of me that cant see me being able to just cut him off. I know it sounds cruel to keep him as a friend, but it seems cruel to cut him out as a friend when he has chosen to be my friend this whole time.

But...what do you think is in HIS best interest? To pine away over you? To watch you date other men? To get married? Someone has to draw a line in the sand here, and I guarantee you it won't be him.

Sometimes, doing the RIGHT thing is NOT always the EASY thing.

If you really love him as a friend, do the right thing for HIM. And tell him the honest reason why you are doing it.

Well, he does say I mean more to him than a friend. That our relationship is "special". But I call it friendship because we both enjoy eachother's company and care about eachother, only there is this other level on his side. He went through being my friend when I lived in the same city as him until I graduated. He watched me drink and be with other guys, date other guys. He remained my friend, but it was probably the messiest between us at that poitn because I lived in the same city and he could see me. There were times he just snapped and called me a * * * * . When I moved away though, our friendship matured. I tried to keep our conversations out of the way of anything that might hurt him, but then there were times he would say he hates it that I cant tell him everything....Since I moved out of town, I did feel more like it was a friendship, although when he visited, I'd know his feelings never changed....I feel like things were hitting a plateau and that we were in a mutual understanding and a place that was okay for the both of us. But when he recently brought up the past and how he thought I would use him to meet other people, I was taken aback and have felt awful....I guess you are all right...I am selfish to stay friends with him. He really does give me more than I deserve, and although he says I make him the happiest person alive just by hearing my voice, I know he should move on with his life. Its hard because he convinces me to stay his friend, and that it would be more painful for me to be out of his life...Its a hard enough choice to make without him saying he is better with me in his life....

No, I didn't mean it as exclusively a man thing....was just using it pertaining to the OP...

Oh...but what is OP?