How to Survive Long-Term Loneliness

Social isolation and rejection was a defining characteristic of much of my life before college. I had never known anything else and had no reason to expect tomorrow would bring any change. Suicide was tantamount to admitting defeat as far as I was concerned. I felt anger at being cast out and was determined to carve out my own niche of existence if the rest of humanity was determined not to let me have one.

The process of learning how to cope with a lifestyle of minimal human input was extremely long, difficult, and painful. I would hope to detail some of the essentials for coming out alive and eventually discovering an independent happiness.

Food, shelter, clothing are the usual requirements listed for a human being. Social interaction is the fourth one that doesn't get mentioned so often. Human beings are quite simply social animals. We start to experience depression and borderline insanity if we're left alone long enough. A strategic approach is necessary for survival.

-A strict regimen of physical exercise. Keeps those brain hormones balanced, practically a get out of depression free card. Makes one more aware of their body. The essential foundation.

-A strict regimen of hobbies, studying, and reading. Keep the mind active and growing. Takes thoughts far away from present adverse circumstances yet is not like shallow escape strategies that leave one even more depressed than before.

-A strict diet of nutritious foods. Avoid refined or overly processed foods. There's nothing to make one moody like constant ups and downs from food replete with high fructose corn syrup and empty calories. You need to do everything possible to stay mentally stable.

-I use the word 'strict' and I mean it. Without discipline in your life, you will go nuts.

-Develop your talents. Take isolation as an opportunity to become truly good at a skill. In time, it might help with social reintegration.

-Frequent self-induced orgasms

-Pets are priceless. It's no coincidence that lonely people are stereotypically

surrounded by animals. Even if not an affectionate creature, nurturing any living thing, even a gold fish or a plant can make life better.

-Spend time out of doors, learn to enjoy nature, fall in love with the non-human world around you.

-During social deprivation you must stimulate your other senses to make up

for it. One of my personal favorites is appreciating fine food and drink.

-If there's no one to speak to about your troubles, speak to yourself. If you don't use your mouth or don't have occasion to make facial expressions during the day, you'll have a stale, cramped feeling in your facial muscles. You must create the occasion by speaking and emoting on your own. Singing to yourself is a good way of achieving this, it really helps break the Silence. Make some facial expressions in the mirror every now and then. Stay in practice.

After the first few months without touching anyone, one will likely begin to experience what I call the skin sickness. Humans need physical contact. The first symptom is hypersensitivity and always feeling itchy. After about three months, the skin literally starts burning with need for a touch, any touch from anyone. It's painful both physically and emotionally. It makes it impossible to concentrate or sleep if it gets bad enough. It'll be eating you alive by month six if you don't know how to deal with it.

-If you've been working out constantly, you've established a good awareness of your body, have learned basic stretching, the muscle groups, how to move efficiently. Now, you use this knowledge to stimulate yourself and make the skin sickness go away. The single best solution is learning how to massage yourself.

Lay on your stomach, reach under your arms to get the back. Gradually get to know every inch of yourself. One might be surprised how good it can feel to massage the feet, it releases a huge amount of tension. Nervous and depression tension accumulates in the upper back and back of the neck. Pay special attention to this area. Scalp and hands are extremely important as through them you can assuage the Sickness even in a public place. With hands, you can stimulate them under a table or desk without anyone even seeing.

The circumstances I address might seem extreme to many readers, but I don't think so. In Western society, there's plenty of people living alone hundreds of miles away from the nearest friends and family. A great many people now growing up have both parents busy working 50-60 hours a week(overworked and also lonely). They don't fit in at school either. These people are among the Nobody, the homeless who live in houses. Loneliness was my lifestyle growing up. I had to deal with it or die. I figure there's plenty of others going through the same.

Wow..i just gotta say i admire you. I could never live completely alone like that. Are you living somewhere where you have no one around you? Cause if that's not the case you could make an extra effort to meet new people.

It is often said the greatest loneliness is to be experienced in crowds. You don't have to live on a mountain top to end up isolated. All you have to do is fall between the cracks. There's millions of people running around, no one even knows you're there.

In my case, I had some conditions that made me socially awkward as a kid. I grew out of those early problems, but you fall behind. Social life is complex and competitive. If you can't make the cut, there's only you and yourself. I think most people are socialized somewhat smoothly. As a consequence they don't realize how easy it is to be cut from the team, to fail the test for your humanity license.

In a mass society, you aren't going to get anywhere being socially awkward. You have to be able to make that first impression. It's the only chance you get. Of course I approached people, I was desperate for human contact. It doesn't work out though if you don't have the right skill set. Furthermore, the more time you spend on your own, the more you grow away from everyone else. You have none of those common experiences and values that bind. It's a self-perpetuating cycle that is extremely difficult to break out of.

I think this post is very good, and I identify with some of the points, but there is one thing I think there's an important message here that needs mentioning - learning to love being on your own.

From my own experience, the majority of my life I have spent as a very lonely person - the kind who fell through the cracks. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people who like me and think well of me, but I never felt I fit in. I always felt different, different in a way others don't understand, always drifting and always alone. Part of the reason why I don't get invited to all the parties, even though I know I'm liked, is that people can sense I am keeping them at arm's length. I won't let them get close enough.

When I was younger, the story was a little different - I moved from country to country as a child, severing so many relationships, 'losing' so many friends. I literally felt I had no home, I was a loner and a drifter, without so much as a toe on the ground.

Then six months ago I realised that I never let myself feel the pain of rejection, feel the pain of my loneliness in its full blown capacity. I never grieved my losses, for each time I had to go, never grieved for myself. I felt sorry for myself, plenty of times, but never faced the pain head on to see it for what it really is. To quote the character Paul Varjak "no matter where you run, you always end up running into yourself". I ignored my loneliness and my pain for so long I never healed - and old wounds began to fester no matter how much I tried to ignore it. It held me back and I made my mind up to learn to love being alone. I learned to just sit with my thoughts and nothing else, no books no distractions, foregoing any sort of stimulus. I learned to have days just for myself, I learned to do so many things by myself. Eventually, and I don't know when, I was able to just be by myself and REALLY love it. It didn't take an exercise regimen, it didn't take 'discipline'. All it took for me was time and a little persistence. Now I want to do as much as possible by myself. I already have dinner out alone, go to the movies alone, go watch the theatre or ballet by myself - the things i wanted to do before and couldn't because no one else was interested, well I go ahead and do them anyway.

There are SO many things I WANT to do by myself, like take a holiday alone. It's not that I've been put in this situation, to some extent that's the push that got me there, but then I turned it into a choice for myself. I can -choose- to be alone because I want to be alone. I even see myself living alone long term because I enjoy 'aloneness' that much. But I do make an effort to get in contact with other human beings because one thing I've learned during this time is to appreciate the beauty of people, which was unheard of until a few months ago. I gained a much greater appreciation for people why I let go of my dependence in others and found it isn't so bad being among others from time to time. It doesn't mean I need to be with friends, it can be just a simple transaction at the supermarket, or a chance conversation with a stranger.

There's another point I'd like to make as well - be careful when you get a pet to stave your loneliness. Having a pet works wonders for loneliness but it is a huge responsibility to put on a living thing. If the pet passes away, not only could you end up feeling lonely again, but you'll also have to deal with a lot of grief.

You may not work out, but you sound like you have your discipline: Things that you regularly and passionately pursue, the stuff forms the foundation of the solitary life. It sounds also as though you meditate quite a lot and that too keeps the mind in a good state.

Because so much of the trouble of being alone comes from your body's cravings for contact, being very closely in tune with the body is one of the best ways to counteract it. Thus my emphasis on exercise.

Being alone can indeed be fulfilling because of all that time and all that unprecedented control you have over it. However, it is extremely painful to be forced into a lonely lifestyle. It sounds as though acceptance of your state of being came only after many years of pain, grieving, and then finally the inner peace.

You seem to appreciate the value of having a few friends and spend a lot of time in social venues where you can meet people who share your interests. You have struck a nice balance. Clearly you appreciate the importance of human interaction.

Most people who are lonely have been forced into their situation and they want out but find they are trapped because the state they're in is self perpetuating. You have found your peace, but there far more out there who are struggling. You admit that the wounds you suffered festered accross many years.

I made my post with the intent of just maybe sparing someone else some of the pain that I went through. I decided to post tactics that I adopted accross years of forced isolation in order to avoid depression, sickness, and insanity. I too have made my peace with life. I have developed a keen appetite for socializing and have very close friends, but I don't forget for a moment what it cost to get where I am now.

As for pets, an animal is an animal. It's sad when they die but they aren't people. The responsibility of caring for a pet is precisely one of the best reasons to have one. The act of caring for a living thing can be very soothing. Also, it is important to have a warm living body nearby. You could think of it as a social multivitamin. People need that kind of tactile stimulation. It doesn't replace deficiencies but it definitely helps. When people are in a rough situation, they need all the help they can get. Pets are a godsend.

I have good social skills and I have always been popular

but at 40 something somewhere along the line I fell between the cracks and experienced the falling behind you're talking about

now all of the poeple I interact with are in couples and families and don't know what being alone means

they just know they dont need to call me or visit me - and leave their group - so it never enters their head

Just wanted to make the point that getting totally and utterly isolated in society doesnt mean you have something wrong with you

its just very easy to find yourself not having any contact - or making amazingly depleting amounts of one-sided effort to make contact with people who live in groups and are not interested or feel afraid that you are going to ask too much of them so they find you threatening and repellent

I honestly cant believe I ended up this alone

Yup, definitely fall under this category. Not what you'd argue 100% isolated [i knew a few people, but, my unusual experiences were alien to their 'normal' 'day-to-day' stuff, and the 'communications' were in the short-term], but it's close enough. I've had enough of a learning curve, so I'd figure I'd chime in.

Imagination

Fantastically creative tool (even in later life, as it can be used for problem solving, design, inventing, building, artwork, etc etc). This should be your 'workroom' (or 'art studio', if you prefer), there is ALWAYS something creative around the corner. This is what can give you character to other people, and is a wonderful source of ideas.

Understanding of freedom

The disadvantage of being with people is they will limit your freedom and creativity (and probably judge you for having a sense of character). If you go out, you choose where to go. If you decide to traverse mostly by wall along the way, that's your prerogative.

I actually quite like being 'on-the-fly' - somehow I manage to keep on-time. Sometimes I buy the necessary ingredients to make a sandwich, go anywhere (even the middle of nowhere), and simply sit down and make myself however many sandwiches I feel like consuming. Or even stack it up like you see in scooby-doo. Zoiks!

Curiosity

An investigative and inquisitive nature is probably one of the key things I'd recommend. Not only does it keep you going about looking for information, but the flipside is it's a key social ice-breaker (as it's a good reason to talk to/ask somebody something). Make sure it's a good choice of topic though where there are plenty of questions involved.

Experimentalism (I don't know if such a word exists)

Best part. As you have a sense of freedom, creativity and curiosity, you can experiment (however, follow good ethos - don't mess with people, or experiment with their stuff - only your own, accidents always happen). Examples [these are mostly food based, but it can include electronics, or clothes, or whatever you prefer] such as 'does banana work with tea?', 'can I cook milk?', 'how many conventional hob-based meals can I cook exclusively in the microwave?', 'do chips (fries) work with soup?', 'is it possible to build a tin-foil based sun oven/cooker out of a shoebox, tin-foil and a bag?'.

That's for how to cope with it (I won't say anything on how well it works in the long run, I don't know).

I am currently in the phase of trying to reduce loneliness (which, again, is experimentalism), and I have also been needing to ask people questions/investigate, so I've also been put into social situations. I am like most socially anxious people, however I've got a few points that might make it easier...

...To note, this isn't clear-cut advice. It's just what works for me (if you met my younger self and told him he'd go out to new places by himself, and socialise and ask questions, he'd raise an eyebrow; then resume reading the newspaper he just wrote theoretical AI code on in the library).

If it's a new place/group

You probably prefer one-to-one dialogues (and it's likely the thought of a new group that scares you, followed by not knowing what to do). Easiest way to tackle this is (it should be a event occurring at a set time)...

Arrive early (very early, before anyone opens said place or is going to arrive for the group) [Don't get fooled into thinking sneaking in late works - it doesn't, and creates a lot of disruption and embarrassment].

Wait and watch for the arrival of the people related to that event/group. Be prepared to stand and, be prepared to wait for a long period of time. The advantage is, you only have to do this once.

If someone (or a couple of people) is opening said place, identify who you think is the leader, and intercept them and say hello (if another member intercepts you, introduce yourself to them instead). Typically, it will be just the leader.

This will be before the big group arrives, and what happens is that person will automatically introduce you to other people for you (and they will trickle in, typically, one-by-one, making it easier). If they don't introduce you to anyone, don't worry - extroverts are bound to introduce themselves anyway, if no-one does, you're in good company - they're all introverts and are probably just as worried as you are.

If it's a group, stay in the meeting area. If the group leader arrives, introduce yourself. If you aren't sure, wait, again, extroverts [if any] will introduce themselves so long as you are within the area specified for the meeting. No problems.

The leader (if you identified/introduced yourself to one), or the first extrovert to introduce themselves will, hopefully, be the person to automatically introduce you to others. Whoever you like/know best is your 'point of reference' for asking what to do (unless referred to another).

If there aren't any extroverts, then no worries either way - it just means people will be more like you. Simples.

It is peculiar for me to meet 'similars', but this sounds utterly authentic_ I've never met anyone as alone as me; never face to face and surely I've talked to hundreds or thousands...So at first I am amazed and can recognize your thoughts in mine. I have also tried to survive and did my best to apply a strategy.

At this point I have become a bit unsure about my chances of survival though. If I won't make it finally, I might at least say what did it for me: if one should go through loneliness, it seems that freedom and intimacy are needed to manage to apply what you've listed above. I every once in a while fall into a prison- that is a situation where I don't live alone, neither in a shared arrangement- but with my parents because I cannot afford any better.

[ So in the end, it can be about the money too- not in the sense of richness, but in the sense of decency. But possibly my situation is a very particular one and difficult to imagine- I am living in a poor country...it's almost that simple. But then one can ad this other logical point- if possible: 'try to get the money'].

Anyhow, I won't be able to account for now whether the strategic approach works or not because I am struggling to apply it. I only go for the cheaper options: for instance I love swimming but it's too expensive, so I imagine I'm swimming/ I love food not in big quanitities but in good taste- this I can sometimes afford/ I am my own lover in a sexual way too/ I have failed and stopped in developing talents and pursuing ideas- the pain of the contradictory sharing has been too much for me ('your ideas are wonderful, it's a pity they come from you')/ I speak to myself or to god and it can work a bit/ when talking to god, I cry- once I have cried in the most inhuman manner- freely and intensely and the next day I felt rejuvenated/ I took a dog from the street just recently, which keeps my mind of the suicidal mindset for now...I do love animals.

Surely I should have been more disciplined in the past in regards to my pain...the suffering has become very intense and damage has been done.

Wow I have been pretty lonely since having a sort of breakdown and having to deal with past hurts and this thread gives me some perspective. Getting used to rejection is really tough but I feel at heart I'm pretty social so I hope to be happy with my social life in time. I really needed some time off though.

Anyway, your post made me sad for me and all the other lonely folk. I hope you have at least a few people in your circle because it's well worth the occasional chaos.

Thanks for the sympathetic reply (though I'm not sure it's been addressed to me).

No- actually there is nobody at all. When I interact with co-workers for instance I feel the tension and the rejection. The reasons why I am rejected are utterly unfair...among them is the fact that I discuss the incorrect behavior of our boss (when him breaking my or our rights is as obvious as it gets). This must mean- and in does in their mind- that I undermine the boss's authority and I am hence a negative element (it's either me or him and I am not close enough to the power ideal). And this example is symptomatic. If I should have a choice between loneliness with the freedom of acknowledging the truth and of respecting myself and, on the other hand, the glorious relating where it's all thoroughly distorted and denied...I think it should be pretty obvious what the choice would be for a human being with some sense of dignity.

That being said- I do believe the survivors of loneliness. I have also made it this far...I'm almost 29- and my past is full of memories of living through the loneliness: walking alone in the park at 15, cutting classes to stroll at chance through the city at 18, going alone to movies at 22 and finally dining out alone at 28 (this was a big threshold). But it's a burden and I often feel I have had enough of it. So I am making changes to postpone the end: I go to a master program abroad, I change jobs, I leave the country for an internship etc.

But I feel that at this point, things have gotten rather fragile.

I was socially ackward as a kid, use discipline to learn the art of being popular. Since the age of 17 I've been pretty social and have many friends. I became the kind of person who enters a room and makes friends within a few minutes. You have to put the past behind you and learn social skills. I love your diet and work out agenda, they make complete sense to me. Now put all you've gained by doing that to work. Learn social skills and you will be the entire package!

I can relate to your feelings about having to choose between sociability and being honest. But you might find that your values are tied to a need to have a sense of control over your self worth. That's not well put, but one thing I realized was that I'm really not infallible and I have been seriously wrong about perceived wrong doings, my criticisms of society, etc. Your negative worldview may actually be a bit distorted, and it is through being exposed to different perspectives that we become more sophisticated and wise, and hopefully better people of course.

I can only speak for myself but once I learned to start respecting the opinions of others more, it helped me be more social.

Once you establish more trust within a circle of friends, you might find they accept your occasional criticisms of your boss. I think it is important to be tactful because you might be right but if you can't convince anyone of your point of view it doesn't help much to have the moral high ground.

But I know, most people are kind of jerks and have lame values...I don't know if this is totally true, but even those people will show you their humanity if you deal with them with compassion.

May I also suggest you find an outlet to express your ethics? There are lot's of people who channel their feelings of disappointment or disgust with society to more positive ends. They become activists, do community service, and you might meet some people who have a similar outlook.

Thanks for your input- sounds reasonable and I understand some of this has worked for you. But I doubt I'll find genuine relief. I find my drive towards activism quite conflictual and turned impersonal by the lack of others empathy towards my own deprivation...

I have had a circle of friends at some point and discovered that there is a bad timing and bad proportion in it: their respect and trust towards me have increased very slowly and never became complete. They will agree to those opinions of mine that are enough like their own, but won't really take those different and 'threatening' ones. Also they will try to take the latter down with any means- among which personal offense (disrespect for holding different opinions). So bottom line it's just a bad investment. Interestingly enough I often find opinions similar to my own recognized publicly... such as in books, speeches etc.

So I should stand up and start writing... but when you've really known people and have been among them not listened to, it's not worth much on a personal level.

Yes- I must admit my respect for others opinions is often challenged by the lack of respect I myself am exposed to.

In the end, I find temporary relief in detachment and acceptance. But unfortunately- even though maybe I could get through a lifetime with day-by-day coping- that's not a 'sustainable' solution to a degenerative situation. The level of pain increased and some aspects of myself have permanently shut down. I can hardly relate to who I was 1 yr ago...2 yrs ago etc. I grow every day an overall numbness and my sense of identity is entirely dependent on my reason and conscious will power. So there's not really a 'sense' but an artificial construct.

Hm- I am sorry that my post is so pessimistic especially for those who are in similar situations to mine. Finally I would advise everybody to hang on: as you see, there's a lot of positive feedback and happy endings in many of the posts here.

Dear Airyhl'

Your advice is admirable,

But animal is an animal, is not quite true. Love does not know boundaries or measure. Pets are godsend, but not a crutch for loneliness. They are not people, true, and that exactly what makes them so lovable.

All the best to you and all.

very interesting discussion, thank you......

I too used to have tons of friends other place other time. And still I felt lonely, and very scared of it. I do not know if it is it something in your childhood or you just made that way. I agree you need true friends, but one thing worse than loneliness is constant humiliation of trying to fit in and be like everyone else. It never works. Like junk food.

If you still have a choice to make friends, good for you, it is worth working on it.

I have no such choice, so finally I have to face living with myself. Luckily I live in Manhattan. All misfits are welcome here!

Dogs are great, I opted for the parrot. I walk with him in Central Park and voila! instant celebrity status. Does wonders for self-esteem. And the parrot is happy, mine actually enjoys crowds.

This thread is pretty old. I wonder if the OP even comes around anymore.

The OP's description kind of reminds me of The Count of Monte Cristo, when Dantes is locked up all those years, learning skills in such a solitary fashion.

I'm mostly alone these days. I do get invited out to things, but I rarely go because I feel like I have nothing in common with most people. I just can't get interested in 99% of conversations. I agree that exercise and diet can help.

Well, if the one who has started the topic doesn't come back to check- I still return to the thread some time.

The decisive difference may be that I am still in loneliness while the 'OP' was seemingly out of it and giving advice. Advices can be given from within, but there may be a shakier authority to them.

My loneliness is very peculiar: I am constantly surrounded by strangers (for now, among foreigners from all continents to be more precise). I would lie if I said I've always felt distant...an image of others being strangers must have existed, some underlying intuition meant to scare me. But I 'felt close' or wanted the closeness deeply enough to produce the feeling and imagine attachments. So to begin with I imagined myself engaged. The point came when attachments became toxic (attaching to a distant world can only make a mess)- hence I started practicing detachment.

It is a gradual practice- starting with the distancing from the most obvious negatives and slowly proceeding towards a more critical view of thoughts.

Detachment is not the most obvious cure for loneliness, but it does do something: it can soothe the pain resulting from it, it can melt down the restrictions of loneliness by making a space for self constructed thoughts, it gives explanations for one's situation- for the loneliness itself; a sense of perspective usually says 'it's not your fault' and points out to all the complex determinations that govern relations and associations, that govern you and others.

My second aid now is imagination. It can be a tricky one some may say...but then if one feels alone- if one actually acknowledges that- this person probably has a sturdy sense of reality and imagination surely is no danger. I get to create a reality that is more real to my soul in this way, I see the difference and sometimes it hurts- but for me this pain isn't even bad, it's an exercise of awareness to let yourself imagine and in between the lucid moments it is in fact very nurturing.

The third idea is to create a variety of experiences, not only at micro level but also in terms of place of life, job or career direction. This is challenging and takes some of the burden off by movement. Small tricks. Besides, people alone should have no trouble moving- it's a pity not to tap into this advantage. New people may be friends or not- I've found no friends, but I still see the advantages of moving.

Ok, so I am still alive with the loneliness. But surely not out of it. And I still think of myself as in a risky zone.

Good thoughts for those alone.

p.s. The animal solution topic. I also have a dog, but I've been living away from him for the past 3 months. And it was possible it seems, but quite hard. The dog is never a replacement for people for me anyhow. He is nonetheless an intelligent animal with his own character and issues- so it is a preoccupation and some sort of a relation. People are more inclined to think that I am good person because of my care for the dog, but that's not very important for me (there is also an equal number of various dog related offenses that I swallow).

man i can totally relate.Nearly all my mates are married with kids.The few left are not very good mates and hardly ever keep in touch.I was very popular when we were all single or just dating.It's surreal how slowly everyone's dissapeared into the ether.I never thought 'd feel like this either.It's kinda scary.

I know this is an old post but I completely relate to this. I have quite often been single in my life, but a lot of my friends have been too so it's been a case of talking about meeting a man, socialising more, joining groups, I probably had a handful of good friends who fell in this category, single, but not totally alone. I am now in my early forties - one best friend is engaged, another is married and moved away, another moved out of London and is married although she is good at keeping in touch but doesn't live close by, another has just met someone and he has now moved in - never really hear from her anymore. Furthermore, I met someone earlier this year, someone I really liked - a first in a number of years. I wasn't necessarily lonely at the time that I met him, but going out with him, hearing from him several times a day, seeing him several times a week, feeling like I was in a relationship and feeling loved and loving, I felt complete. Then he left. There was no reason, no explanation, he just cooled it and I had to finish with him - never got any answers apart from the fact that I think he was scared to get involved in the end, as his ex had treated him so badly for so long. I was devastated, and felt lonely but not alone. I have just got through Christmas and New Year and have never in my life felt as lonely as I do right now. Everyone my age is in relationships, married, engaged, kids.....

I really want to meet someone, more now that I have experienced what I thought was a loving relationship but now have to accept that it was a bit of a fraud as I think he was a joker and messed me around and treated me pretty badly. I just don't want to be alone, I don't enjoy being single, I am trying to go out and join groups, I am sociable and enjoy meeting new people, so I am hoping it will get better, but I am starting to feel like I am a freak, it's got that bad that I wonder what is wrong with me? Why did this guy say he loved me so much that he wanted a life with me and planned for that, then just left me?

Why do all these people meet people, partners and end up happy, and I end up alone, again. I know deep down that there is "nothing wrong with me", all people are different and I don't see it that way, everyone has something to offer to the right person, but I feel desperately alone, I go home from work and spend the night completely alone - with the exception of a couple of single friends, I don't have anyone who I see regularly anymore as they're all in relationships - if I call them, they will often interrupt me before I even have a chance to ask how they are and say that they're busy - about to eat, watching a dvd with their partner, about to bathe the child etc. I don't want to sound bitter, that's life, people find themselves in a couple and that can take up your evenings and weekend. But I feel like everyone I know has moved on to the next stage of their lives, and I am stuck in this endless singledom, and it hurts like hell, especially as I thought I had found love but realise now I met a chancer, someone who had absolutely no regret about promising me the world and then walking away.

I feel desperately alone, I go home from work and spend the night completely alone [...] and it hurts like hell, especially as I thought I had found love but realise now I met a chancer, someone who had absolutely no regret about promising me the world and then walking away.

I am sorry for your pain.

The evenings are the hardest...The loneliness of different people ends up so much alike. Now I started checking this forum at midnight and I write. It's hard to even fall asleep after an empty evening in a sequence of so many.

I am 10 years younger and yet I don't know anyone who's single anymore...my falling behind had a lot to do with having suffered material hardship- the crisis has hit some harder than others and after about 2 yrs of unemployment/ underemployment I was well cut off from my batch. I was in a relation before that didn't endure 'the bad times'- i.e. my own 'lengthy' poverty. So love came to an end in this circumstance.

Two men gravitated around me recently and interestingly enough they both mentioned how happy they would be if I found a good job (I got out of unemployment in the meantime- with a rather poorly paid job, and now with a partial scholarship for further studies)...well, it might have been a friendly well-wishing remark since the poverty affects me as well. In any case, they both withdrew. The cuts off were hard- I myself was partially skeptical and not yet sure about them, but still the 'noise' itself, the agitation of a relationship makes the silence afterwards and the 'usual' loneliness much more dramatic. The second appeared some time short after the first cut off...it's like an improvised bridge- temporary people helping a bit then fading away. To cover the silence. That's how I try to see it. No second guessing.

For me the poverty situation gives me some kind of an umbrella...being left alone because of it (and it happens with colleagues just as well) seems so unjust that I am motivated to pull through just to dissolve the absurdity. I guess it also forces me to some sort of philosophical perspective...a bit of a bitter one though.

I don't have any other encouraging words with me...just 'hang on' or 'don't give up'. Thinking about the world works better than thinking about yourself when considering your loneliness. I however try not to consider it that often at all- what's the point, it's so permanent that it's almost like a person, a companion instead of a lack of one...

Although I am a loner, I was not particularly lonely till around 15 months ago. It has been since then that my life went from great to suicidal. I'm now at a point where I need cigarettes just to get out of bed! Loneliness was the sole reason for this. It took me all this while just to realize this. Although, I must say, the fall from grace teaches a lot!

Thanks a ton for this. Would not have been able to see any direction without this piece of how to. You, my dear friend, are a God send!!

thank you very much for sharing; your post has been my consolation and 'you-re-not-alone' sign for recent years...

Tamina,

I want to thank you for resurrecting this thread. i posted about my experience with being single and lonely yesterday (although no one responded. but that's ok).

the original post couldn't have come at a better time.

i am a little confused at the suggestion below:

i am not so sure how the recommendation above can help when you really are craving another human's touch. i'm craving physical and emotional intimacy and i just don't see how touching and massaging yourself will satisfy it. i am sure it will help, but there's nothing like interacting with another person.

or, should i interpret the above to say that after some time, that craving with dissipate if i go through all the suggestions the OP made? i'm a little confused.

Bump for later reading