My wife and her boss

I have a very complex situation that is starting to make my worst fears feel like they are being realized. I have known my wife for 12 years now and we've been married for nearly 1 year. We dated 12 years ago for a very short period of time and have remained friends up until 2 years ago where we became serious. She has a rather crazy past and I'm one of the few people who actually knows of it.

For at least 8 years of her 12 years of employment she's been romantically involved w/ her married boss. They have have a very close and very non-professional relationship. She said the romance part of the relationship ended about 3 years ago and she once described herself being fascinated w/ the relationship but realized it was not healthy and she had to put it to an end. During the entire time that she was seeing her boss, she often had boyfriends and actually lived w/ one for 2 years - we will call him Jim. She had actually became pregnant w/ Jim while she was living w/ him and lost the baby through miscarriage. After the misscarriage, she fell into a year long depression and her and Jim ended the relationship. She said after the misscarriage, she became very blamefull and angry towards Jim. A few months after her misscarriage, she called me and confided in me that she didn't know the baby was Jim's or her boss's.

She has since had a son w/ another guy who shortly left the picture and has not been involved in any shape or form. She is currently taking legal actions to have him removed from all parental rights and this process should be completed w/in the next couple of months. Her son is now almost 5 and she designated her boss and his wife as his legal godparents which I find quite disturbing since his wife agreed out of kindness and not knowing the relationship that was going on behind her back.

My wife and I have talked about this in great length - almost until exhaustion. I give her credit for being as candid about the relationship as she was when we first started talking about it. I did find some discrepancies when she said the romantic part of their relationship ended. One time we spoke - she said it was right after she had her misscarriage, and another time she said the relationship lasted 8 years which would put it right up to the doorstep of when we started dating again.

It took a lot for me to decide to take the chance and trust her enough to marry her. She feels that she has given me enough time to discuss the matter and feels it's time to move on and not talk about it anymore. I felt comfortable w/ this until a few about a year ago - actually right before we decided to get married. A few things flagged me that they were still closer than I had thought. The first incident occurred when we borrowed one of his company cars to drive up to her parents for Christmas. When we got back, he showed up unexpectedly, wanting to know if he could take the truck back. She exploded on him (I wasn't there) and was mad that he didn't give her any warning about picking up the truck before she could clean it. It struck me very odd that she could talk to her boss like this w/out any form of retribution. That happened on a Friday and when she came back to work on Monday morning, he was nice as could be and took her out to lunch. Later that day, she called me at work w/ absolutely nothing to say (which was highly abnormal) and was trying to make uncomfortable conversation.

Another incident that threw a red flag was when she got in a huge argument w/ him on the phone one night when I was over at her house. She refused to go into work for 2 days and I saw emails from him that were almost trying to calm her down and stressed the need to find reconciliation. She definitely had the upper hand in the situation - she's the boss, not him.

Now, a few weeks ago came the real show stoppers. Her boss needed to get knee surgery and she took off nearly the entire day to bring him to the hospital and brought her computer to the hospital to work until he was ready to drive home. I asked her why she needed to be the one to take him to the hospital and not his wife and she said that his wife was out of town w/ their daughter.

Now the latest development last week. My wife has a friend that has started a job at my wife's company and has come to live w/ us for a few months until she gets on her feet. During the interview w/ her boss, her friend blurted out that the only thing that concerned him if she was hired was the fact that my wife might want to go out to luch w/ her instead of him all the time. My wife, later that night, took me out on a walk to talk about what her friend said and explained it as since she was the oldest employee and had started the company w/ him, that he often went out to lunch w/ only her so they could catch up w/ work and discuss new ideas for the company and also, so he could vent about his other employees to her. She said the other 2 employees were not good at forward and creative thinking like her and her boss and they would only impede progress if they joined in on these meetings.

I'm just about to the point where I want to hire a 007 to follow them around during the day. What are the chances of these two not still having a romantic relationship? At times it seems impossible that they aren't. They definitely still have a big emotional relationship and that's not undeniable. I need some form of closure to this before I drive myself crazy thinking about all the possibilities. Talking about the situation anymore than we've done is not an option anymore.

Any suggestions on what to do next?

Honestly, I think there were plenty of red flags about the character of your wife even before you married her. She was living with a guy for two years, all the while cheating on him with her married boss. She gets pregnant, doesn't know which one the baby belongs to has a miscarriage and then has the nerve to get on Jim's case even though he didn't even know the truth about her cheating ways and that the baby may not be his. Then she has a baby with another guy who suddenly disappears from the scene (maybe he figure out that she was cheating on him and couldn't even be sure if the child was his or her boss'. Then she marries you, doing this whole snow job about how the relationship with the boss is over...yeah right. She is not leaving that relationship anytime soon...that seems to be the one "stable" relationship in her life while all the other men come and go. I would suggest you get your closure by kicking her to the curb. She is dishonest and has no integrity. I feel sorry for her child...not a great role model.

Hi, welcome to ENA.

If I may ask, what made you finally decide that you could trust your wife enough to get married? To be perfectly honest, I dont think I ever could have, mainly because she has a history of lying --e.g. she lied to Jim throughout their whole relationship, didn't she, about seeing her boss behind his back? So what makes you think she wouldnt do the same to you? Moreover, I am rather appalled that she asked her boss and his wife to be her son's godparents. That seems unnecessarily cruel to his wife.

Plus it's rather suspicious that she so readily supplied you with that whole spiel about going lunch with her boss because she was the oldest employee and so that he can air his grievances about other employees to her?

I dont buy it one bit.

I couldn't do it. I have no idea at all how people function like this. Your wife is the kind of person who will bleed you for all your worth and take every advantage from you possible. At least, this is what I gather from your short description. Her relationship with her boss is well, well out of bounds, and you both know it. I guess she will just continue on like this until you have fully called her on it and stuck up for yourself.

Yeah man you pretty much walked into a situation that screamed "SOMETHING FISHY IS GOING ON HERE" and kept yourself in it, even though all the warning signs were flashing the whole time. Dunno what else to tell you than to leave this woman as fast as you can.

I don't think you need to go any further with this. Ask her to quit her job and never talk to this man/ her boss again if she wants to be married to you anymore.

At the very least she is having an emotional affair. And his wife has no idea, or is ok with her "open" relationship. The deception is huge. And there are children involved. Does the boss guy have kids? Is this the way you want to live?

Holy Crap dude, this thread is almost too much for me to even think that it could be true. Let me break it to you, your wife is still banging her boss. There, got it? Ill tell you where the red flags are, somehow you missed all the important ones... Im really unsure how your wife suckered you into marrying her with all of this baggage.

For starters she has had an on and off again relati.... eh scratch that AFFAIR with her married boss. That in itself shows that her standard of behaviors, and her morals are sub par. Do you really think that anyone who will be the 'other woman' knowingly, wouldnt do the same thing to her husband? She lacks the morals on both counts to keep herself in line.

Your first line of business before marrying her should have been to tell her to find a new job. Most people are very uneasy about their spouse having anything at all to do with an ex. Your wife cheated with her boss, and still has an ongoing relationship (emotional) with him.... and spends a LOT of time with him behind closed doors. Its one thing to say 'oh Im gonna meet Jim at the bookstore to go over some customer info for tomorrows meeting' Its another thing entirely for her to esentially be dating this guy while shes married to you (and trust me, she is dating him). Lunch every day, hospital stays... you name it.

Do yourself a favor bro, forget the 007 unless you are doing it for divorce evidence. IF you just want to know for your own sake if shes cheating... guess what, she is. Even if she isnt (but she is) shes got enough baggage to put an airport to shame.

Do yourself a favor and RUN!!!!!

Oh, forgot one thing..... dont forget it.

What you permit, you promote.

Quit being a doormat bro, stand up for yourself.

WOW , Love is blind.

I read these posts and I see who I was a year ago.

It's hard to imagine but a year from now you may be like" how did I ever let myself go through that".

I feel fresh hatred for my ex every couple of weeks for what essentially I allowed into my life. And we were not married and there were no kids involved, thank you god.

A bigger questions to ask " Why do we allow such abuse into our lives?

I am still working on that and will not be in a new relationship until I figure it out.

Why have you let this women into your life? You ( like all of us) deserve so much more.

Let her hate herself by herself. Save yourself.

Sheesh! This guy came here baring his soul and he gets slammed to the wall on his very first post. C'mom guys...ease up a little, huh?

I agree, the writing was on the wall. Oplus, sounds like you know that too. I think the private * * * * is the way to go now. You know in your heart...now go get rock solid truth. Protect yourself in every way you can!

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Start by asking yourself this: What do I want?

Are you hoping to learn that your wife is totally faithful, 100% devoted to you, and never had any inkling of an interest in her boss? Well, that's not going to happen. You knew there was both history and unresolved business between her and the boss before you ever married her, and nothing has happened to change that.

Are you hoping you will finally "get the goods" on your wife's infidelity, so you can have it out once and for all? Well, okay. But you know, you don't need any evidence to be justified in ending the marriage. It is perfectly reasonable to say, hey, I thought I would be okay with your past and your future and your relationship with your boss, but as it turns out, I'm not good with it.

Or, are you hoping that at least your "007" will not find any glaring red flags, and you can rest a little easier knowing your wife is not, at this moment, cheating on you? You might get that, it's true. But I suspect you'll never have any peace of mind while you're married to a woman who maintains a professional and personal relationship with a man with whom she had an eight-year affair!

I'm not a big advocate of divorce, but you probably need to be honest with yourself and either get divorced, or learn to live with the insecurity and possibly the infidelity inherent in this relationship. You can't control your wife's behavior, and she's obviously not going to any great lengths to control it out of respect for your marriage or your feelings. The next move is up to you.

I'm ready to get out and I've already been spying like crazy but haven't really turned up anything tangable. I have put keyloggers on one of her work laptops and gained access to nearly every login that she used on that computer. I have also put recorders in her car when she goes to work but I think they take his car when they go to lunch. I also got a couple of her boss's logins but haven't really found anything out except that their little lunches together are very important.

I'm also going to buy a GPS tracker soon and try to find out where they go during the day. I feel like the only way I can get the closure I need is to catch them in the act. She's so good at hiding things and denying things even when she gets caught. If I don't catch it will hard to get the exit I'm hoping for.

The one good thing is she seems to be in denial about how obvious her relationship is w/ this guy so I think catching them won't be the hardest thing to do. The biggest problem is that while all this is going on, I'm at work and a PI is very expensive.

I can only imagine what her other employees are thinking when they go off to lunch together all the time and they are never invited.

The other crazy thing is that her kid totally loves me to death and I just don't understand why she would risk her son's emotional well being like this.

I must admit I am a bit baffled -- you already have evidence (kind of) that she is emotionally cheating on you with her boss. Why do you need evidence of physical infidelity as well? Will that help you somehow with the divorce proceedings and deciding the alimony and whatnot? While I absolutely agree with you that one needs to be prudent and shouldnt make false accusations and of course, divorce is not something to be taken lightly but it seems like you're being a bit "too crazy" (?) with the "spying" thing.

If you are absolutely sure that you dont want to work things out with her, then please seek legal assistance to protect yourself legally and financially. And maybe your lawyer can offer more constructive suggestions as to how to approach your wife's infidelity issue.

Just a thought.

First off do you really want to see your wife with another man? You will never get that image out of your head. Leave now being fairly certain she is cheating. Also I would stop all of the spying thing and I definiatley wouldn't be talking about it on the internet. If you are caught putting hacks on a company computer or recording audio without the person's concent you will get probation or jail. I would remove all of the stuff you put on her computer and car and get out of that relationship.

I actually vote for getting the confirmation. I did it during my divorce, and although it didn't affect the settlement (since the #1 rule in Family Court is always to punish the man), it did help me out quite a bit when the harlot tried to take me back to court for more child support. I actualyl wound up getting more visitation out of the deal, heh heh. You could see their liberal faces twisting over it, cause they're not used to giving the fathers anything. LOL

yeah, more information will only be more painful. Being in a relationship where the "need" for spying and hiring a private investigator should be bad enough.

She risks the emotional welfare of her son, like she risks yours and her own. She has little self worth. This boss guy must fulfill some purpose. He needs her opinion about business matters. He tells her she is important. She is getting something out of it , or she wouldn't be in it.

When the right moment comes up, tell her son you love him unconditionaly and will love him no matter what happens to your relationship with his mom. Can you formally adopt him? It would takes months perhaps but then you would have parental rights.

Ask her for visitation. It also shows what kind of man you are by taking care of your responsibility, your family ( which is your wife and her children) . Maybe she will go for it. She knows she's not faithfull or honest. Maybe she will let her son have a better role model in you than she can be.

The strange emotional attachment would be enough for me. When something is over...it's over. If she is supposed to move on away from her past..she shouldn't be so involved in it still. I think you have been far more patient than I ever could have been.

I'm sorry...I'll read the OP more closely later but I do want to say she does sound like she's being unfaithful from what I gleaned... I guess I'm just not clear why you trusted her? It'd be one thing if you were already married and *then * found out about all this stuff.

In that case you're emotionally invested and understandably would want to believe the best. But you knew some stuff before marrying her and did anyway...?

Everyone makes mistakes...but she seems to have NO conscience about hurting other people even her own kid. And the g-mother is the wife of the guy who MIGHT be the father?

I'm sure I sound harsh, which isn't my intention. But cheaters make me sick...it's one of the worst things a human being can do to another...

People like her are what make me TERRIFIED of getting into another relationship.

I wish you the best...Hope she gets help b4 it's too late.

Dude I wouldnt go very far with that whole spying thing. It may not even turn up any actual cheating (sex). But you already know that:

1. Your wife has a very innapropriate relationship with her boss.

2. She isnt respecting you

3. She isnt respecting your marriage

4. You do not trust her, with good reason (hence the spying, posting here)

5. So Id invest maybe a few hours of work into finding out if shes really sleeping with him just for the sake of divorce... but ultimately this one seems doomed to me bro.

For everyone who is advocating running out and telling his wife - let's think about this for a second.

So I call her up and say: "Listen to this story I have for you - the only proof I've had is from someone's mouth and educated suspicians"? Do you think for one second they would admit to it!?? Here's me: A 40 year old guy that looks like a kid and still get carded for buying things like lighters. Here's him: A very wealthy successfull man who comes from a well known family who's built half of this city. Here's my wife: a short asian girl who listens to punk rock music and if you put them together - everyone would laugh at the couple they would make. Just the thought of them being a couple would make everyone laugh.

So where would that get me? He would deny the hell out of the entire thing and it would blow up in my face. There is no possible way to tell his wife without him simply lauging it off and saying "who you going to believe". It would completely end right then and there and he would keep doing what he's always been doing.

Noone here will even convince me there's a remote chance in hell of telling his wife and having her believe me unless I have some hardcore proof. All it would do it blow up entirely in my face.

Further more, one of my biggest character flaws most people know about me is being highly paranoid - I'm known for completely jumping to conclusions and acting on paranoia. This is one more thing that would make the story coming from me that much more of a joke without hardcore proof.