Jump to content

Hardest part about breaking up with a Narcissist is...


Recommended Posts

...the realization that the whole relationship was a charade. A part of his script. And I was only there in a supporting role. Once he decided he didn't need me as a Supply for his narcissistic ego, he dismissed me.

 

He broke up with me 3 months ago and very quickly found someone else. "I can't live alone" he said. Poor guy.

 

That and all the other hints point out to a typical Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits. He had no friends. He was so controlling. When we first met, he idealized me, I was the one who saved him, (from himself I guess), everything was great and amazing and so fast, and he moved in with me within first few weeks. Very early on I noticed that it is too good to be true and my instinct was telling me that something was not right. But I kept on going, loving him, supporting him...I found out now that I definitely have codependency traits. I believed more in the idea of us and our relationship and neglected my own red flags. He was so charming. So beautiful. It was a dream come true. Now I pay the price.

 

All those beautiful days, all that affection, the travels, the dreams, the "love" we shared, the early mornings breakfasts and lazy Sunday afternoons, the laughter, the music we shared - all of it was just a mirage in which I allowed myself to float.

 

I cut all the contacts with him. He tried to "talk" while he already found someone else: another source of Supply for his ego. How long is that going to last? I don't care. He texted again. And I didn't reply. I keep myself away from him. The realization that I was used as an object of Supply made me sick. Even remembering making love to him is making me sick. He was a Somatic Narcissist. He used me as an object for his pleasure. I didn't see on time. I felt it was weird but refused to believe that someone so "sweet" and "charming" can do that to another person.

 

However, I still get so sad - missing the good times and it kills me that those good times were just a part of his script. And then I get mad and then sad again...I guess these realizations are good. They must be a part of healing process.

 

Now, I'm grieving not only him, but the idea of him and the lost love that existed in reality only on my side.

Link to comment
  • Replies 128
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Yep. Those realizations are good. Keep ignoring him. That gives you more power over him and the situation than you could ever imagine. As long as you're doing what you want and not following his "Script" he lacks his much-needed control. You did nothing wrong, really (I say really because it was probably a bad idea to allow things to move so quickly, but this is all in hindsight). You exhibited human emotions and acted as a human being who is in love might act. Just be glad that you're out, and feel sorry for his next "supporting actress." Poor woman probably doesn't see it coming.

Link to comment

If he is a narcissist, it doesn't mean he didn't feel anything... and he is most likely not self aware at all. The relationship was real, just not deep.

 

For narcissists, they just don't form the deep connections with an individual that they should. So it wasn't that it wasn't real for him, it is more that his reality is very wide, but not deep.

 

In a way, healing from a narcissist can be easier from the standpoint you can recognize it wasn't that he loved YOU and YOU did something wrong and lost his love. He just needs a constant supply of love and admiration at a level that no relationship can ever fully supply. So you don't at all have to blame yourself or think that the love wasn't real... it just wasn't lasting because it was shallow on his part.

Link to comment

Thank you both for your supportive replies.

 

Only NOW I see how shallow it was. But the relationship was so intense, so crazy in a way, we lived 24/7, did everything together, he was so controlling and seemed so invested in me: that's why it's hard to understand how all of that was shallow and meant little for him at the end.

Link to comment

I can relate. I had a relationship with a narcisisst. One thing is, that it was real for me. The love I felt, was real. And that love is a part of who I am, he didn't take it with him when he left. It was in me all along. I just need to express it.

Whereas he constantly needs the "love" of another person to boost his ego. Because he doesn't have it inside.

He will be looking for another women to use very soon.

I feel sorry for my narcisisst ex. He is sick. He needs help and won't get it. He surrounds himself with yes people. He uses them up and moves on.

I don't do that. Be proud you are not a user like they are.

Link to comment

You're right. It's tough enough to break up with someone, but much worse when you realise that the person you loved was nothing but a mirage. Talk about feeling deceived. I'm just glad you have the strength to ignore his communications. Your strength will get you through this.

Link to comment

We dated the same person. Seriously, same story, same length of time. Constant breakups, constant lies, other women, disrespect at the end.

 

They are just broken. You aren't---you can feel deeply. Next time all of us will not ignore our gut. It's there for a reason, we need to listen to it!](*,)

Link to comment

Hey,

 

Ya know - I recently got out of a relationship with someone who I believed had NPD maybe BPD. Gut instincts are so important - you HAVE to listen to it. If its telling you something isnt right (but you cant put ur finger on it as their actions seem to be 'normal') then something probably isnt right.

 

Being used to feed someones habit to boost their self-esteem and ego is hurtful for all people who go through it - but remember this - these people do not sleep at night, they hurt people over and over, and they themselves know they are rotten to the core, but will never accept it.

 

Be proud of who you are - and that all you did was love someone, which is not a crime - the realisation that you loved their charade, their mask, and their lies is hurtful - many people can get someone to love them through lies though cant they?. Be thankful you recognised the signs and moved on. That in itself should give you some momentum to build your life again.

 

Take it easy.

Link to comment

I'm not 100% certain my ex was a full-blown narcissist, but my therapist told me that he definitely showed traits on the spectrum. I really really loved this person... and felt we had the deepest connection. I know that he felt, and still feels, a deep connection, too, but the narcissist becomes afraid when someone "figures out" who they really are, and are terrified. I loved him good parts and bad parts. He lied, cheated, dumped me three times and I took him back each time because I believed in his ability to love deeply.

 

However, his need for supply never runs out. Once he gets it from me, he doesn't need it anymore. It's only when he is without me that he truly feels what he had, and that's not fair to me. He also surrounds himself with yes people, and there are other women to satisfy his ego, though he is in complete denial about his behaviors. He desperately needs counseling. He fills his time with constant activity to avoid the pain of his deep seated emotional problems, and he just doesn't want to go there.

 

I think... no, I KNOW that I was the only person to get at those deep parts, but honestly, he's more comfortable with the shallow end of the pool, which is why he is so fascinated by other, younger, less-intelligent women. It's like a game to him... the part that's hard for me to figure out is whether or not he does all this intentionally. We've been broken up for over 2 months now, and he has started contacting me about how he misses me and thinks of me and doesn't know what to do. It's hard not to cave in and give him the attention he seeks, but I keep having to remind myself that it's not helping me, and makes me feel used.

 

It's really a psychological process getting over people like this because you can't figure out WHO the person is that you loved... where did they go? Who are they now? And that trust never comes back, which is why I can't be in a relationship with him.

Link to comment

Yes, I think it's normal for you to question yourself (based on my experience with a guy who had narcissistic traits). But, as time goes on and you meet more normal people you'll realize it wasn't you. One thing that sort of put things into perspective for me was when I would be talking to close friends online or via email (my closest friends are in my hometown, so since I moved we communicate electronically a lot), and I would go to tell them about something my ex did...and suddenly while typing out the details it would strike me that his behavior wasn't normal. Then I would feel sort of ashamed for not being able to see this before.

 

Sometimes you have to get things out or even say them to yourself before you're really able to see the problem for what it is.

Link to comment

Sparrow

 

"I think... no, I KNOW that I was the only person to get at those deep parts, but honestly, he's more comfortable with the shallow end of the pool, which is why he is so fascinated by other, younger, less-intelligent women. It's like a game to him... the part that's hard for me to figure out is whether or not he does all this intentionally. We've been broken up for over 2 months now, and he has started contacting me about how he misses me and thinks of me and doesn't know what to do. It's hard not to cave in and give him the attention he seeks, but I keep having to remind myself that it's not helping me, and makes me feel used.

 

It's really a psychological process getting over people like this because you can't figure out WHO the person is that you loved... where did they go? Who are they now? And that trust never comes back, which is why I can't be in a relationship with him."

 

I totally agree with you about how hard it is to let go with these people. They tap into the core of you and then once they leave you're left with this unbelivable confusion about who, why and what happened. This forum helps me to understand that no matter how close we were it was a mirage , a reflection on his side.

 

Mine also started contacting me after two months, saying how much he misses me etc but then he told me that he's dating someone but wants me in his life. That's when I got emotional (which I shouldn't have cause the Narcys cannot stand that) and said that I cannot be a part of his life anymore. Then he kept conntacting by proxy (typical) saying that "we should talk". It was so hard not to fall for it cause it sounded genuine but I had to remind myself again and again that that "talk" would end up being his "justification" and would have left me even more empty. So I cut all the ties after that. I didn't fall for the "talk" - I needed to take the control over me. You're right, contact with him is only for his benefit - not yours!

 

No more proxy, no more text, nothing. Total NC. I heard it's the best way to deal with Narcys. But however strong I am feeling now with a sense of control it still doesn't take away the "missing" and longing, and questions, who is he with now, where is he ... weekends are the worst. I must stop these thoughts cause they aren't helping me at all in my healing process but just perpetuate my N fog from which I need to get out soon. Sometimes I think I was too harsh on him for not giving in but boy I need to be strong and congratulate myself for standing up for my own good. Right now I am not feeling that good but I am sure that the time will show me that it was a good decision.

Link to comment
  • 10 months later...

I think this we have dated the same man... My ex of one month seems to have moved onto his next victim. But he decided to text me yesterday then email me .. I fell right back to day one. Sick to my stomach , depressed. And the really sick thing is ... is that he still lives with his wife and kids. And she knows he is dating many other women. And sleeps in a separate room from him for about 3 yrs now. his last victim lasted 5 months . Me I lasted 8. I have met his first sons mother and thank god she has been my rock. I cant believe after all of the lies and deciet and abuse I still feel sorry for him and cannot stop thinking about the good times. And yes I was really in love with him and wonder if he was really in love with me because he did say it all of the time. At first he was SOOOO attentive then after a while he started to be verbally abusive and always saying how i should change this and that. I really got sick of it. And him blaming me for is faults and awful life and how I came along and saved him . Mixed actions, mixed words many many lies. I should have never believed him when i found out he was still living with his wife when he said I am looking for an apartment and then we can finally be together. I should have rab for the hills. But I trusted him and believed him. After all he was spending every minute with me. Anyway.. I am glad I saw this post. It is helpful to hear how everyone is dealing and trying to move on. It is hard. but maybe in a year I will look back at this and think why did i even give him all of my energy when he wasnt even worth it. Thanks for this post and letting us all know we are not alone.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

This is amazing - I also dated the same man. How did he get a hold of so many of us.

 

Same thing - he was too good to be true, lots of activity, looked at me and treated me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him, then the supply changed - I stood up for myself and he didn't like that. He couldn't control everything I did, or the emotions I would feel and he got so critical and so demanding. At times I felt he was worse to pay attention to then a child - he demanded all of my time and attention.

 

Soon the verbal abuse came - I was useless, dumb, a b#tch, a baby (when I'd be emotionally upset), I did a "piss poor" job at whatever it was I did. I'd ask him to quit being so negative, to which he'd say "I'm not being negative, I'm being honest!!"

 

The only mistake I made was I let it go on for 4 1/2 years. Today will be 6 weeks since we've split and he's already slept with someone else and I'm sure lured her right in.

 

They just have an aura that is irrefusable and unavoidable - then once you're sucked in and he's got control, the real person inside comes out.

 

I gave him EVERYTHING I had - my heart, love, soul, you name it. I left him and I was doing SO good emotionally - I was strong, I was doing my own thing, I was smiling more than I was crying. And then I found out he is already sleeping with someone else - I just can't bear it. I don't understand and I also feel like I am right back to square 1 - I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work, all I do is think about him.

 

And all these weeks he's kept that little bit of contact - an email here, a text message there - just little reminders "that I'm still out here and still miss you and love you." I didn't respond to anything. He sends me an email at 4:30 Friday night before I leave work, and 11:00 Saturday morning I find out he's sleeping with someone. It just makes me sick - I don't understand how someone can do that.

 

And then he tries to blame it on me! Tells me it's my fault he slept with her because when I left he felt abandoned and he needs the companionship.

 

I've done so much reading about Narcissism and now to read all your messages it just confirms to me that he is nothing but a narcissistic jerk. I feel bad for the girl he's sleeping with now - I don't think she has any idea what's coming.

Link to comment

Great thread.

 

The hardest part of breaking up with a narcissist? STAYING broke up and not losing your mind and soul in the process.

 

In my case it was a gal with BPD/NPD. Same old story as everyone else. I'm two months out (again) and it is SO hard. These "people" suck the very life from you and leave you sitting in a puddle of tears wondering what happened, who WAS that "person", and worst of all "Who am I now?"

 

I put "people" in quotes because I see them more as monsters. They take, they destroy, they use, they abuse, and in the end flit away merrily while we, their victims, are left with nothing more than a head full of questions, a heart full of pain, and some of us will never truly recover.

 

I have no sympathy for them. Sure- they're sick but in this day and age there is no reason for anything to go untreated. They don't seek treatment because they don't HAVE to. Remember- we are objects. Possesions. Toys. Tools. And when we no longer serve their greedy purposes they simply cast us into the trash and go shopping for a new object. They do the crime- WE do the time.

 

I've been cheated on, lied to, used, abused, discarded, devalued, disposed-of, mocked, sneered-at, blamed, accused, pushed and pulled. I'm nowhere close to the person I was prior to meeting her and as a person in middle-age I don't think I'm gonna bounce back this time. I've done all the right stuff and I honestly don't seem to be getting much better.

 

I used to post here and on another board under a different username but my psycho ex stalked me and took away my only resources for any form of recovery. I hope she doesn't find me this time.

 

Sorry to ramble on- I've been silent and dealing with this alone for quite some time and I guess the floodgates kinda opened up just now.

 

The best advice I can give is if you encounter a NPD or BPD RUN AWAY FAST. Run like your life depends on it (it very well may!) and do not look back. These monsters will do nothing but destroy you.

 

Take care and thanks for reading.

 

-SkinDeep

Link to comment

SkinDeep,

 

Don't hold anything in any more. I made that mistake for 4 1/2 years, because the one time I talked to someone early on in our reationship he went up one side of me and down the other - so I held everything in and especially hid the verbal and physical abuse aspects. Now that I've left I'm talking to anyone who will listen and it helps SO much. I'm even going to a counselor to get an outside opinion. I HIGHLY recommend doing that if you haven't done it before. "They" are the ones that need to counseling the most, but of course that won't happen - there is nothing wrong with them, it's everyone else's problem.

 

The best part about talking is you discover all the people you know who will support you. People you never thought will come up to you and say "that's the smartest thing you've ever done" or similar. It's heartbreaking to hear because it makes you feel sorry for you ex - but it's true - it IS the smartest thing you've ever done.

 

Be strong - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. If you need to, come on here everyday and I'll tell you that if it helps.

 

These people are amazing in what they will do and the damage they cause. It is awful, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

 

Let it all out - you will recover - you can do it.

Link to comment

Yep, i was in a relationship with a narcissist too, they are masters of deception! I was fooled, she had me hook, line and sinker... she was loving, caring and sweet... she then had her fill of me, cheated on me, lied about it and used me all within 2 days. Broke my heart into a million pieces.

 

The worst part is the confusion over whether any of what they professed to feel for you was real, or was it just a figment of their imagination? Did you just fill that particular time period of their life and when they needed more attention it was just a case of... NEXT! I did everything for her and bent over backwards for our relationship, i gave so much whilst she gave so little in the end. So many questions...

 

with hindsight (over 2 months worth) i am beginning to see her for the selfish, self centred, self involved, spoilt, materialistic, immature, narcissist that she is... but i loved her and she wasnt like that all the time, so of course it hurts. :sad:

 

but you know what the best part is? Knowing that you dont have to deal with their b/s anymore, knowing that you dont have to deal with how they made you feel anymore, knowing that they are the broken and undignified ones, they are the ones who stooped that low... not you! You can hold your head up high and be proud of yourself!

Link to comment

This sounds a lot like my ex gf, thanks for posting this, this has helped me understand her a bit better. I am now glad that I live 1600 miles away from her and have not talked to her in almost 3 months.

 

She used me and controlled me for her own needs and then when she as done with me she tossed me aside and found someone else.

Link to comment

pdoog, find strength in the good people around you, your friends and family, people who would never treat you or anyone else like this.

 

The thing is, no one can blame anyone for a change in feelings for a partner, but there are 2 options for a person who starts to feel like this... There’s Change It (through healthy communication) or there is LEAVE (if you think its too late)

 

THERE IS NO 3RD OPTION! CHEATING IS NOT ONE OF THOSE OPTIONS! Never ever should be! regardless of whether you have fallen out of love with someone, you loved them once so that person deserves your utmost respect! Even if someone else has caused these feelings... LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!! If you risk losing the other person (3rd person), you know what? TOUGH! They shouldnt be your priority right now, the persons who's heart you are about to break is your priority! Break ups are messy, but be decent and respectful enough to do it the right way!!

 

anyway, just my 2 cents on this...

Link to comment
SkinDeep,

 

Don't hold anything in any more. I made that mistake for 4 1/2 years, because the one time I talked to someone early on in our reationship he went up one side of me and down the other - so I held everything in and especially hid the verbal and physical abuse aspects. Now that I've left I'm talking to anyone who will listen and it helps SO much. I'm even going to a counselor to get an outside opinion. I HIGHLY recommend doing that if you haven't done it before. "They" are the ones that need to counseling the most, but of course that won't happen - there is nothing wrong with them, it's everyone else's problem.

 

Thanks for your concern! I have a couple close friends that I talk to and it helps. I also read a lot here and on another board. I posted a lot in the past but she stalked me so I kinda lay low and try to stay under the radar.

 

I would love to see a shrink but I have no insurance and all of the services in this area are back-logged over a year due to the crashing economy - this area is especially hard-hit. YOU folks are my therapists for the time being.

 

The best part about talking is you discover all the people you know who will support you. People you never thought will come up to you and say "that's the smartest thing you've ever done" or similar. It's heartbreaking to hear because it makes you feel sorry for you ex - but it's true - it IS the smartest thing you've ever done.

 

I have no doubt that I am better off far far away from her. Never has anyone affected me so deeply and negatively in my life and I've got to tell ya: I'm no spring chicken! I do have some support but all the talking in the world does nothing until we change our thinking and acting. I'm hanging in there- yesterday was especially rough- kinda hit me outta the blue. I'm in much better spirits today.

 

Be strong - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. If you need to, come on here everyday and I'll tell you that if it helps.

 

You're darn right it was for the best- had I stayed any longer there would be nothing left of me. I stayed way too long and went back too many times. This time is VERY different. I got stronger each time I left. I would much rather be alone than be with someone who mistreates me. The price I paid for the "good times" was far too great so I got out. I will do whatever it takes to keep her away form me. In fact I had to resort to having the police escort me to her place to retrieve my belongings as she was raging out-of-control and was not going to stop until she got a reaction out of me. I would have just as soon left my things behind but once she starts there is no stopping her. I would not have put it past her to come to my home and cause trouble and since there is no one here to vouch for my behavior I thought it best to take the cops with me to her place and get it done and overwith. She's the type to lie and get me arrested or something crazy like that. I'm hoping that showing up with a cop scared her into leaving me be but I doubt it- she lives by her own set of rules.

 

These people are amazing in what they will do and the damage they cause. It is awful, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

 

I put NOTHING past her. She is delusional, has her own "reality" and has done some VERY outrageous things in the past. Frankly she scares the heck out of me. Here I am- a grown man who grew up in a tough 'hood, and the only thing in the world that scares me silly is a crazy woman!

 

And no- I would not wish these monsters on anyone. While on one hand I can't wait until she finds her next victim, I also pity him at the same time. Hopefully he won't be a softy like me and will not fall for her routine. *shudders*

 

Let it all out - you will recover - you can do it.

 

Thanks for caring enough to read and respond. It DOES help to vent sometimes, huh?

 

Yesterday, as I said, was a very rough day. I was feeling very hopeless. Today I'm back to "normal" in that I'm back on track. My plan is to not even *think* about dating until next spring. That has been my plan all aong- take some down-time, catch up on chores, home repairs, socialize a little bit (not a big socializer), and get myself back to health mentally, physically, and spiritually.

 

Sorry to hijack this thread.

 

Again I state: Involved with a NPD or BPD? RUN FAR and RUN FAST! GO! NOW! DO NOT LOOK BACK!

 

Take care all,

 

-SkinDeep

Link to comment
This sounds a lot like my ex gf, thanks for posting this, this has helped me understand her a bit better. I am now glad that I live 1600 miles away from her and have not talked to her in almost 3 months.

 

She used me and controlled me for her own needs and then when she as done with me she tossed me aside and found someone else.

 

Yep that is how they roll. Dont' take it personally. they want us to believe that we failed them, it is all our fault, and we are losers and that is why they moved on. that is NOT true. They all seem to operate out of the same playbook, don't they? Know this: it is not personal- we just happened to be the the object of the moment. Just cuz they are experts at making us feel like losers and failures does not make it so.

 

These people sicken me with the damage they do. It seems that they target the kind-hearted, the compassionate, the forgiving. I guess that means that in spite of what they'd have us believe we ARE good people.

 

We are everything they are not and never will be.

 

You are valuable and certainly deserve FAR better.

 

-SkinDeep

Link to comment

Thanks SkinDeep.

 

She sure did make me feel like a loser towards the end there even when I had a good job and was helping pay HER bills that were not mine (cell phone bill). She would say I don't need your money you keep it for you. So when I did she would then turn around and say "You never help pay the bills or nothing".

 

She made everything seem like my fault when I was doing everything I could do in my power to do.

Link to comment

The more I think about it, the more I begin to believe mine had some issues like this too. It very rarely made any sense, her behaviours, attitude towards me and since then, her near denial of my existence.

 

Sure it hurts but then I guess I eventually got under her skin enough to force her to deny and limit my presence in her life.

 

 

I feel sorry for my narcisisst ex. He is sick. He needs help and won't get it. He surrounds himself with yes people. He uses them up and moves on.

I don't do that. Be proud you are not a user like they are.

 

Amen. She had a real go at my personality traits over the holidays, and the way I was. (I guess I am more of a beta male than an alpha male, which I am not ashamed of). That day, I gave it straight back and she realised then I wasn't the "Yes man" she probably wanted. I am a patient man, but not stupid. If anyone steps on my patch like that, I bring them down but sadly, I think that episode was the beginning of the end for us.

 

Hey,

 

Ya know - I recently got out of a relationship with someone who I beleived had NPD maybe BPD. Gut instincts are so important - you HAVE to listen to it. If its telling you something isnt right (but you cant put ur finger on it as their actions seem to be 'normal') then something probably isnt right.

 

Being used to feed someones habit to boost their self-esteem and ego is hurtful for all people who go through it - but remember this - these people do not sleep at night, they hurt people over and over, and they themselves know they are rotten to the core, but will never accept it.

 

Be proud of who you are - and that all you did was love someone, which is not a crime .

 

Trusting your instincts is very important. That was the biggest lesson I learnt from all of this. But I don't believe they sleep at night or dance through fields with gumdrop smiles. They'll do whatever they can to deny the reality of it all and keep themselves busy, surround themselves with whoever tells them what they want to hear until one day, they will be alone. Then and only then will they realise....and perhaps the folk like us will get some redemption, either by them coming back and apologising or fate/karma coming around and delivering to us somebody who does love us for the way we are. I do believe in the latter eventuality.

 

 

I think... no, I KNOW that I was the only person to get at those deep parts, but honestly, he's more comfortable with the shallow end of the pool, which is why he is so fascinated by other, younger, less-intelligent women. It's like a game to him... the part that's hard for me to figure out is whether or not he does all this intentionally. We've been broken up for over 2 months now, and he has started contacting me about how he misses me and thinks of me and doesn't know what to do. It's hard not to cave in and give him the attention he seeks, but I keep having to remind myself that it's not helping me, and makes me feel used.

 

This is all so true of my case also. I know I managed to get her to open up some, then it all went to pot. I think she feared losing that independance, as well as having somebody around who could get inside. I know she dated some pretty bad guys in the past (her words) and it makes me wonder if I saw the things that they didn't, and acted on them.

 

 

 

I have no sympathy for them. Sure- they're sick but in this day and age there is no reason for anything to go untreated. They don't seek treatment because they don't HAVE to. Remember- we are objects. Possesions. Toys. Tools. And when we no longer serve their greedy purposes they simply cast us into the trash and go shopping for a new object. They do the crime- WE do the time.

 

I've been cheated on, lied to, used, abused, discarded, devalued, disposed-of, mocked, sneered-at, blamed, accused, pushed and pulled. I'm nowhere close to the person I was prior to meeting her and as a person in middle-age I don't think I'm gonna bounce back this time. I've done all the right stuff and I honestly don't seem to be getting much better.

 

Skindeep - I agree with your entire post. I don't really have any sympathy either because you always retain a choice of how to treat others. No matter what. If you do hurt somebody, then I think it is bourne of selfish or inconsiderate intentions. There are no "if's" and "buts" about it. There is no point rationalising their behaviour anymore when it is just easier to look at it in the clear light of day.

 

I have changed too from the past couple of dating experiences I have had. The last two I let in did some damage and I am taking a break from all these games and wondering how I pick these types up. I also want to get myself "right" before I head back in.

 

Don't be in fear of your ex though SD....stand tall and stand up for yourself. Who cares if she reads the things on here?

 

Good Luck pal...

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

I think my ex's ex had NPD. She told him at the break up every problem in the relationship was his fault and she had nothing to do with it. He said she expected perfection. They were engaged and when she broke it off she didn't speak to him for 9 months- he had severe depression and symptoms of Post traumatic stress disorder. He said she refused any sort of closure and in hindsight she always seemed to approach things with "what will this do for me" in mind.

 

Of course when he started to get over her (no longer chase her and provide narcisstic supplies) she came running back, manipulating and lying to try and get him to move accross the country to be with her. After 9 months of not even speaking to the man she supposedly loved!

 

Unfortunately she still has too strong of contol over him and it has left me broken hearted. I refuse to play that game with my feelings.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

yesterday, i FINALLY said the right words to rid myself of my N. i'm almost 59 years old. he is approaching 64. over the course of the last 4.5 years, we lived together, were 24/7 together. it was intense. i become closer & closer to the awareness that i had barely a life outside of him - he was such high maintenance & started labeling me as that. he talks constantly; i would get to count the seconds between when he'd stop & start another paragraph - never would 5 seconds pass. yes, he is unique. an artistic type, quite a character, leaching onto every single female w/in his verbal grasp, even in my presence. in fact, his head turnings towards females on the sidewalks & streets would really hurt. it was so continual. i tried many, many things to get him to consider my feelings on this issue & to respect me, but he just NEVER EVER "got it." he eventually went back to seeing & staying overnight at an old GF's place. he claimed she was just a friend. i went w/that for awhile, but hated the whole ordeal. yet, i could not break away. eventually, he stopped having sex altogether w/me & sought out prostitutes. imagine. i, willing & waiting & available - his companion, supposedly & him rejecting me. by the way, i could never go to him for sex; it was always ONLY (& i stress ONLY again) on his terms & sometimes he'd make the whole thing rather unpleasant!! eventually, also, his behavior really started deteriorating badly. he kept saying i couldn't behave myself & i was ruining ... the day, the trip, the afternoon, the evening, the meal - - whatever. i'd be there not even opening my mouth - in awe!! i started reading Sam Vaknin's website & WOW, i was seeing this guy described so accurately. like there was a mold. then i started realizing my long ago past marriage of 20 years was w/a N. and recently, i am unfortunately now able to add my primary base - my father - to the rest. i realize i am a magnet for these types. [several days ago while on a trip, i met a fellow who i spent about 6-8 hours with. i realized after a couple of hours, he was of this ilk - a(n) N - also.] so, there must be something accommodating about me, or being single & traveling alone, i am susceptible to be 'hit upon' by men who are single, the ever characteristic, LONELY, EMpty & searching for supply. they don't care who you are, just give them time & an ear. they don't even care what you say as long as you stay on.

 

anyhow, back to last fall, his bad behavior drove me to stop the car, open his passenger side & usher him out & drive away. what was his bad behavior? screaming at me in the car in traffic while i'm driving. and he won't stop when asked, even when screamed at. he blames me for getting 'uppity' & endangering us in the car & why am i driving down this street & why didn't i go down that street. even when i ask him which way he wants me to go, he won't say, but as soon as i make my own decisions, he starts w/the ridicule, screaming & criticisms & blame. it was unbearable. [we had some overpowering dangerous situations in the car - only when i drove, though. when he drove, he talked constantly, announcing all his maneuvers, pointing to every shadow & color, taking his eyes off the road - on purpose, actually. i was never allowed to chastise him on ANYTHING - he had all those liberties for himself.] well, after driving away, i felt bad for him & went back, but he wouldn't talk to me, avoided me, kept turning away while walking & me driving.... i found him later in a movie theater, but he left when i came in. then a day later, i returned home to find many, many things he had gotten from me sitting on my doorstep & in front of the garage. i tried calling - he had the phone turned off for almost a month, i tried going to his condo - he shut the shades when he saw me. i had no recourse, but to just 'get over him.' a couple days later, more stuff arrived in front of my house - almost everything i had ever given him. i was so crushed to see this stuff. i could barely function. took me 3 weeks to get over it all. then i seemed okay. then, one night when returning home, he had left a little bag w/articles & stuff for me & a 5 page letter. in retrospect, the letter does not really say much, just parrots some sefl-help type jargon he had read. he's never able to incorporate these things into his life, he only can repeat cryptic phrases. i jumped & called him up. we talked & started seeing each other again. no sex, though - that stage had ended. period. he was DONE w/me. meanwhile, a couple of weeks later, i heard from an acquaintance that he & another woman i know (who he met at a party i had when i first knew him) ran into each other & she was hot, hot, hot to date him. although he has never ever ever mentioned her name, he does see her. i don't know to what capacity, but i don't care anymore. i hear she has major depression problems & has been hospitalized for depression. the N's mother was also of this nature & was psychiatrically hospitalized when the N was a child.

 

recently, the N told me that if it wasn't her (this depression woman) it would've been someone else. well, that said a lot for me, did it not? it also said much about him. it's not her, of course, it's just "someone ELSE!!" that's what counts here. more supply. well, then he had me to talk to every day, twice, trice, 4 x's - whatever. he had the older GF who calls him sometimes 11 or more times a day. and the newer cow who is the current sex fulfillment. it grated on me for sometime - this whole situation. i didn't know who i was in all this. i observed, witnessed. like i say he never, ever mentioned the new one, but felt certainly entititled to talking about the old GF to me - something i never liked, but he didn't care. for him, his identity is not what's up w/him, or what he did, but who was in on it w/him. which reminds me of the really nonsatisfying ways he would constantly bring up names from his past. what was unsatisfying about this was they were only mentioned as props - as in "when i saw that picture of picasso's, joe mcGillicuddy was w/me." who cares? he's talking about a time 35 years ago like it was yesterday. i don't know joe & will never meet joe. we argued about the uselessness of this information & how it was presented. he insisted it was a valuable part to his life. i'm sure it is & was. i felt he was insensitive to me, though. but this is another story.

 

anyhow, i was really sick of the N Quadrangle Hotel scenario - him playing it up big w/3 women. i wanted to tell him i was checking out of his quadrangle hotel, but i thought this would give him too much ego fulfillment - & decided to keep myself as an individual. i also stopped talking about & making sarcastic asides about the new girl. as soon as i did stop, he started accusing me of being jealous. of what, i asked? he wouldn't say - he was trying to provoke me to reactions - that's where he's most comfortable w/women - he gets very satisfied when they're provoked & reactionary. i refused to bring her up, get upset, react, just kept questioning him about why i'd be jealous. then he started blaming me for not treating him right, for demeaning him, disapproving of him, criticizing him. this type of throwing ME off balance has started up several months ago. and recently, as i stopped bringing up his other woman, he stepped up his accusations of me, seemingly to come from nowhere . . . ??? i've been so conditioned - these things just roll off me like water off a duck's back. ((yawn)) we'd talk & he'd revert to these things & i'd say politely that i had to get off the phone. of course, it's never easy for me to get off/dismiss him - always has to be him dismissing me, or having to "go."

 

so, i decided, instead of using the hotel terminology to break it off w/him, or to state the other women as examples of my displeasure, i would simply tell him i want to check out of his radar. so, i did. i told him: "i've given this a lot of thought; i'm checking out of your radar." he was a bit taken aback, i could tell, then quickly came back with: "well, if you can't treat me right - if you can't be nice to me..." no, i said, it's because YOU can't be nice to ME ! he humpfed over that one & kept repeating what he said before; being a(n) N, he's not capable of HEARING what i say, what i want, or MY reasons. not capable. never was. he was gettin nowhere, so had to up the ante for my supply attention. he started blaming me for being argumentative; he was getting pretty excited & babbling loudly, mimicing what he thought i had said to him, getting it all misconstrued. finally , i said, "i'm done arguing with you. i'm done!" he hung up on me.

 

i'm sort of expecting some articles to show up on my doorstep. it caused me PTSD when he did that 9 months ago, but i'm totally okay w/it now. i'm finally in an emotional place where he can not hurt me anymore.

 

i do feel bad for him. i loved him very much. i tried very hard. i gave up a lot; i paid too much attention to him. all for nought except the experience & the lessons learned, the narcissistic education, the wonderful websites & a passionate interest in narcissism; learning about my father, also. he's so disapproving of me & for no reason. wants me to apologize for stuff that was HIS fault - unfathomable!!! thinks i owe him apologies & also accuses me of accusing him & without me saying a word, accuses me of going on the defense. a MOST amazing scenario . . .

 

i'm not sure what the N will do. close down shop & brood, wallowing in his Lonliness - the only thing he claims to understand. what a line. he's soo tired of being him - another quote of his. and, the N i met while traveling used the exact same words: "i'm tired of being me." when i heard that i knew i was in familiar territory & it was time to split. it took me aobut 3 hours to shake this guy. some of him was fun, but when i got tired & hungry, he still wouldn't let go. i realize i have to get better at breaking away.

 

i haven't gone into much continued role play about what could happen next. hopefully nothing. but, i believe, w/Ns - one has to keep on one's toes, watching, expecting, staying prepared. not more than 2 months ago, he called me while driving home from a trip, literally crying that he was sick of himself, wanted to see me & stay w/me - he was so scared. i think he may've had an argument w/the new girl & was going to teach her a lesson using time w/me as a punishment to her. i think this now in retrospect. this is why i am ever so glad i made the break - he has too many women to play off against each other. i'd, in fact, never seen him in this mode - overly confident, almost manic & superlatively (beyond belief) self-righteous & more obliteratingly obsessive in demeaning me. i feel free. i know this was long, but after spending the day reading about narcissists, i had to write part of me story. thank you to whoever got throught this narrative. hope i can help others. i keep wanting to warn the other girl, but i will not - phrases go through my head about what's coming down the road for her, but on the other hand, she's 57 - a big girl & maybe they deserve each other - afterall, i deserved him while he was w/me. i'd like to send info to his brother, but i probably won't do that, either. i think it's dangerous to interfere, b/c you never know what will befall anyone involved. the theory is to let them fend for themselves. but, somewhere, i wonder if i have a moral or humanitarian obligation. then i come down to: it's always best to let nature take it's own course w/out my intervention, which could wind up being a 'mess-up.' thank you

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...