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Thread: Hardest part about breaking up with a Narcissist is...

  1. #11
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    Yes, I think it's normal for you to question yourself (based on my experience with a guy who had narcissistic traits). But, as time goes on and you meet more normal people you'll realize it wasn't you. One thing that sort of put things into perspective for me was when I would be talking to close friends online or via email (my closest friends are in my hometown, so since I moved we communicate electronically a lot), and I would go to tell them about something my ex did...and suddenly while typing out the details it would strike me that his behavior wasn't normal. Then I would feel sort of ashamed for not being able to see this before.

    Sometimes you have to get things out or even say them to yourself before you're really able to see the problem for what it is.

  2. #12
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    Sparrow

    "I think... no, I KNOW that I was the only person to get at those deep parts, but honestly, he's more comfortable with the shallow end of the pool, which is why he is so fascinated by other, younger, less-intelligent women. It's like a game to him... the part that's hard for me to figure out is whether or not he does all this intentionally. We've been broken up for over 2 months now, and he has started contacting me about how he misses me and thinks of me and doesn't know what to do. It's hard not to cave in and give him the attention he seeks, but I keep having to remind myself that it's not helping me, and makes me feel used.

    It's really a psychological process getting over people like this because you can't figure out WHO the person is that you loved... where did they go? Who are they now? And that trust never comes back, which is why I can't be in a relationship with him."

    I totally agree with you about how hard it is to let go with these people. They tap into the core of you and then once they leave you're left with this unbelivable confusion about who, why and what happened. This forum helps me to understand that no matter how close we were it was a mirage , a reflection on his side.

    Mine also started contacting me after two months, saying how much he misses me etc but then he told me that he's dating someone but wants me in his life. That's when I got emotional (which I shouldn't have cause the Narcys cannot stand that) and said that I cannot be a part of his life anymore. Then he kept conntacting by proxy (typical) saying that "we should talk". It was so hard not to fall for it cause it sounded genuine but I had to remind myself again and again that that "talk" would end up being his "justification" and would have left me even more empty. So I cut all the ties after that. I didn't fall for the "talk" - I needed to take the control over me. You're right, contact with him is only for his benefit - not yours!

    No more proxy, no more text, nothing. Total NC. I heard it's the best way to deal with Narcys. But however strong I am feeling now with a sense of control it still doesn't take away the "missing" and longing, and questions, who is he with now, where is he ... weekends are the worst. I must stop these thoughts cause they aren't helping me at all in my healing process but just perpetuate my N fog from which I need to get out soon. Sometimes I think I was too harsh on him for not giving in but boy I need to be strong and congratulate myself for standing up for my own good. Right now I am not feeling that good but I am sure that the time will show me that it was a good decision.
    Last edited by SingleAgain34; 06-01-2008 at 12:29 PM.

  3. #13
    Member StillConfused's Avatar
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    I think this we have dated the same man... My ex of one month seems to have moved onto his next victim. But he decided to text me yesterday then email me .. I fell right back to day one. Sick to my stomach , depressed. And the really sick thing is ... is that he still lives with his wife and kids. And she knows he is dating many other women. And sleeps in a separate room from him for about 3 yrs now. his last victim lasted 5 months . Me I lasted 8. I have met his first sons mother and thank god she has been my rock. I cant believe after all of the lies and deciet and abuse I still feel sorry for him and cannot stop thinking about the good times. And yes I was really in love with him and wonder if he was really in love with me because he did say it all of the time. At first he was SOOOO attentive then after a while he started to be verbally abusive and always saying how i should change this and that. I really got sick of it. And him blaming me for is faults and awful life and how I came along and saved him . Mixed actions, mixed words many many lies. I should have never believed him when i found out he was still living with his wife when he said I am looking for an apartment and then we can finally be together. I should have rab for the hills. But I trusted him and believed him. After all he was spending every minute with me. Anyway.. I am glad I saw this post. It is helpful to hear how everyone is dealing and trying to move on. It is hard. but maybe in a year I will look back at this and think why did i even give him all of my energy when he wasnt even worth it. Thanks for this post and letting us all know we are not alone.

  4. #14

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    This is amazing - I also dated the same man. How did he get a hold of so many of us.

    Same thing - he was too good to be true, lots of activity, looked at me and treated me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him, then the supply changed - I stood up for myself and he didn't like that. He couldn't control everything I did, or the emotions I would feel and he got so critical and so demanding. At times I felt he was worse to pay attention to then a child - he demanded all of my time and attention.

    Soon the verbal abuse came - I was useless, dumb, a b#tch, a baby (when I'd be emotionally upset), I did a "piss poor" job at whatever it was I did. I'd ask him to quit being so negative, to which he'd say "I'm not being negative, I'm being honest!!"

    The only mistake I made was I let it go on for 4 1/2 years. Today will be 6 weeks since we've split and he's already slept with someone else and I'm sure lured her right in.

    They just have an aura that is irrefusable and unavoidable - then once you're sucked in and he's got control, the real person inside comes out.

    I gave him EVERYTHING I had - my heart, love, soul, you name it. I left him and I was doing SO good emotionally - I was strong, I was doing my own thing, I was smiling more than I was crying. And then I found out he is already sleeping with someone else - I just can't bear it. I don't understand and I also feel like I am right back to square 1 - I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work, all I do is think about him.

    And all these weeks he's kept that little bit of contact - an email here, a text message there - just little reminders "that I'm still out here and still miss you and love you." I didn't respond to anything. He sends me an email at 4:30 Friday night before I leave work, and 11:00 Saturday morning I find out he's sleeping with someone. It just makes me sick - I don't understand how someone can do that.

    And then he tries to blame it on me! Tells me it's my fault he slept with her because when I left he felt abandoned and he needs the companionship.

    I've done so much reading about Narcissism and now to read all your messages it just confirms to me that he is nothing but a narcissistic jerk. I feel bad for the girl he's sleeping with now - I don't think she has any idea what's coming.

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  6. #15
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    Great thread.

    The hardest part of breaking up with a narcissist? STAYING broke up and not losing your mind and soul in the process.

    In my case it was a gal with BPD/NPD. Same old story as everyone else. I'm two months out (again) and it is SO hard. These "people" suck the very life from you and leave you sitting in a puddle of tears wondering what happened, who WAS that "person", and worst of all "Who am I now?"

    I put "people" in quotes because I see them more as monsters. They take, they destroy, they use, they abuse, and in the end flit away merrily while we, their victims, are left with nothing more than a head full of questions, a heart full of pain, and some of us will never truly recover.

    I have no sympathy for them. Sure- they're sick but in this day and age there is no reason for anything to go untreated. They don't seek treatment because they don't HAVE to. Remember- we are objects. Possesions. Toys. Tools. And when we no longer serve their greedy purposes they simply cast us into the trash and go shopping for a new object. They do the crime- WE do the time.

    I've been cheated on, lied to, used, abused, discarded, devalued, disposed-of, mocked, sneered-at, blamed, accused, pushed and pulled. I'm nowhere close to the person I was prior to meeting her and as a person in middle-age I don't think I'm gonna bounce back this time. I've done all the right stuff and I honestly don't seem to be getting much better.

    I used to post here and on another board under a different username but my psycho ex stalked me and took away my only resources for any form of recovery. I hope she doesn't find me this time.

    Sorry to ramble on- I've been silent and dealing with this alone for quite some time and I guess the floodgates kinda opened up just now.

    The best advice I can give is if you encounter a NPD or BPD RUN AWAY FAST. Run like your life depends on it (it very well may!) and do not look back. These monsters will do nothing but destroy you.

    Take care and thanks for reading.

    -SkinDeep

  7. #16

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    SkinDeep,

    Don't hold anything in any more. I made that mistake for 4 1/2 years, because the one time I talked to someone early on in our reationship he went up one side of me and down the other - so I held everything in and especially hid the verbal and physical abuse aspects. Now that I've left I'm talking to anyone who will listen and it helps SO much. I'm even going to a counselor to get an outside opinion. I HIGHLY recommend doing that if you haven't done it before. "They" are the ones that need to counseling the most, but of course that won't happen - there is nothing wrong with them, it's everyone else's problem.

    The best part about talking is you discover all the people you know who will support you. People you never thought will come up to you and say "that's the smartest thing you've ever done" or similar. It's heartbreaking to hear because it makes you feel sorry for you ex - but it's true - it IS the smartest thing you've ever done.

    Be strong - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. If you need to, come on here everyday and I'll tell you that if it helps.

    These people are amazing in what they will do and the damage they cause. It is awful, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

    Let it all out - you will recover - you can do it.

  8. #17
    Bronze Member Elektro's Avatar
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    Yep, i was in a relationship with a narcissist too, they are masters of deception! I was fooled, she had me hook, line and sinker... she was loving, caring and sweet... she then had her fill of me, cheated on me, lied about it and used me all within 2 days. Broke my heart into a million pieces.

    The worst part is the confusion over whether any of what they professed to feel for you was real, or was it just a figment of their imagination? Did you just fill that particular time period of their life and when they needed more attention it was just a case of... NEXT! I did everything for her and bent over backwards for our relationship, i gave so much whilst she gave so little in the end. So many questions...

    with hindsight (over 2 months worth) i am beginning to see her for the selfish, self centred, self involved, spoilt, materialistic, immature, narcissist that she is... but i loved her and she wasnt like that all the time, so of course it hurts. :sad:

    but you know what the best part is? Knowing that you dont have to deal with their b/s anymore, knowing that you dont have to deal with how they made you feel anymore, knowing that they are the broken and undignified ones, they are the ones who stooped that low... not you! You can hold your head up high and be proud of yourself!

  9. #18
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    This sounds a lot like my ex gf, thanks for posting this, this has helped me understand her a bit better. I am now glad that I live 1600 miles away from her and have not talked to her in almost 3 months.

    She used me and controlled me for her own needs and then when she as done with me she tossed me aside and found someone else.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member Elektro's Avatar
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    pdoog, find strength in the good people around you, your friends and family, people who would never treat you or anyone else like this.

    The thing is, no one can blame anyone for a change in feelings for a partner, but there are 2 options for a person who starts to feel like this... There’s Change It (through healthy communication) or there is LEAVE (if you think its too late)

    THERE IS NO 3RD OPTION! CHEATING IS NOT ONE OF THOSE OPTIONS! Never ever should be! regardless of whether you have fallen out of love with someone, you loved them once so that person deserves your utmost respect! Even if someone else has caused these feelings... LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!! If you risk losing the other person (3rd person), you know what? TOUGH! They shouldnt be your priority right now, the persons who's heart you are about to break is your priority! Break ups are messy, but be decent and respectful enough to do it the right way!!

    anyway, just my 2 cents on this...

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by zoya52w
    SkinDeep,

    Don't hold anything in any more. I made that mistake for 4 1/2 years, because the one time I talked to someone early on in our reationship he went up one side of me and down the other - so I held everything in and especially hid the verbal and physical abuse aspects. Now that I've left I'm talking to anyone who will listen and it helps SO much. I'm even going to a counselor to get an outside opinion. I HIGHLY recommend doing that if you haven't done it before. "They" are the ones that need to counseling the most, but of course that won't happen - there is nothing wrong with them, it's everyone else's problem.
    Thanks for your concern! I have a couple close friends that I talk to and it helps. I also read a lot here and on another board. I posted a lot in the past but she stalked me so I kinda lay low and try to stay under the radar.

    I would love to see a shrink but I have no insurance and all of the services in this area are back-logged over a year due to the crashing economy - this area is especially hard-hit. YOU folks are my therapists for the time being.

    Originally Posted by zoya52w
    The best part about talking is you discover all the people you know who will support you. People you never thought will come up to you and say "that's the smartest thing you've ever done" or similar. It's heartbreaking to hear because it makes you feel sorry for you ex - but it's true - it IS the smartest thing you've ever done.
    I have no doubt that I am better off far far away from her. Never has anyone affected me so deeply and negatively in my life and I've got to tell ya: I'm no spring chicken! I do have some support but all the talking in the world does nothing until we change our thinking and acting. I'm hanging in there- yesterday was especially rough- kinda hit me outta the blue. I'm in much better spirits today.

    Originally Posted by zoya52w
    Be strong - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. If you need to, come on here everyday and I'll tell you that if it helps.
    You're darn right it was for the best- had I stayed any longer there would be nothing left of me. I stayed way too long and went back too many times. This time is VERY different. I got stronger each time I left. I would much rather be alone than be with someone who mistreates me. The price I paid for the "good times" was far too great so I got out. I will do whatever it takes to keep her away form me. In fact I had to resort to having the police escort me to her place to retrieve my belongings as she was raging out-of-control and was not going to stop until she got a reaction out of me. I would have just as soon left my things behind but once she starts there is no stopping her. I would not have put it past her to come to my home and cause trouble and since there is no one here to vouch for my behavior I thought it best to take the cops with me to her place and get it done and overwith. She's the type to lie and get me arrested or something crazy like that. I'm hoping that showing up with a cop scared her into leaving me be but I doubt it- she lives by her own set of rules.

    Originally Posted by zoya52w
    These people are amazing in what they will do and the damage they cause. It is awful, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
    I put NOTHING past her. She is delusional, has her own "reality" and has done some VERY outrageous things in the past. Frankly she scares the heck out of me. Here I am- a grown man who grew up in a tough 'hood, and the only thing in the world that scares me silly is a crazy woman!

    And no- I would not wish these monsters on anyone. While on one hand I can't wait until she finds her next victim, I also pity him at the same time. Hopefully he won't be a softy like me and will not fall for her routine. *shudders*

    Originally Posted by zoya52w
    Let it all out - you will recover - you can do it.
    Thanks for caring enough to read and respond. It DOES help to vent sometimes, huh?

    Yesterday, as I said, was a very rough day. I was feeling very hopeless. Today I'm back to "normal" in that I'm back on track. My plan is to not even *think* about dating until next spring. That has been my plan all aong- take some down-time, catch up on chores, home repairs, socialize a little bit (not a big socializer), and get myself back to health mentally, physically, and spiritually.

    Sorry to hijack this thread.

    Again I state: Involved with a NPD or BPD? RUN FAR and RUN FAST! GO! NOW! DO NOT LOOK BACK!

    Take care all,

    -SkinDeep

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