Your chance to tell me how it's done...

Earlier, I read a thread about the cruelty of the dumpers, and the awfullness of the dreaded dump. So, in a very short time, I am going to be the dumper. I've been dating the woman I'm seeing for almost 3 and a half months now. And, although we have some great times, I care about her, our sex life has been mostly great, and we share tons of common interests, I have reached the conclusion that she is still not the one for me.

Over the last several weeks that feeling has grown more acute. I've cancelled a few dates, been distant, and have really been contemplating how I feel about her. My conclusion is simply that "she's not the one", and that's it.

So, for those of you that have been recently dumped, now is your big chance... describe to me your perfect dump. How is it done in your eyes? What does this person that is about to break your heart say or do not to be "the biggest, heartless jerk on the face of the planet." Chime in, any and all comers.

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Hey Jett - wow - great post and great idea to get others ideas on this - I have a feeling you are gonna generate a lot of traffic! But I am sorry things didn't work out with this girl.

Mark

I don't think there is a perfect way to do it - unless she feels the same way you will hurt her. All I can say is do it to her face & be honest. One day she will respect that you were honest.

set her down, tell her the truth, do not negotiate.. how she takes it is her own business.

Be absoloutley honest. Don't leave her wondering what she did wrong etc just tell her how it is.

Dude I know exactly what your feeling, I broke up with my ex like the other day... literally, anyways she was a wonderful g/f of like 8 months but she really just wasnt the one for me, and I didn't really feel anything for her, I knew it wasn't going to workout. I just told her it wasnt her it was me and I didnt want to be in a relationship anymore. She was still miserable and thought i was an * * * * * * * but i mean... thats the nicest i couldve done it lol

Why would you try to pretty up the situation. What is wrong with telling her exactly what you told us in your original post. If you focus on saying things that you think will let her down easy then I can assure you she will see right through it and it will be worse off for you than being truthfull. It's only been 3 months so don't think it's like you're dumping someone you spent a good portion of your life with, I'm sure she'll move on just fine.

Meet with her in person. If the only reason you're breaking up with her is because you're not sure you click, rather then a serious personality flaw on her part, then best not to say anything negative about her. Make sure she knows that she doesn't have a chance in the future. Maybe by saying something like "I can't ever see us dating again, we're not right for eachother". Also, if you plan on dating immediately after, be discrete about it with her if you ever talk to her in the future. Only say you are if she asks.

Just be honest. 100%. No padding to try and make her feel better, because otherwise you may have her coming back and asking again and again where it went wrong (like I did with my ex as I knew what he had told me didnt add up

Dont be insensitive though. Show her respect. Tell her what you told us. Do as Miss Kitty said. And dont leave her clinging onto the hope it may happen in the future (again as my ex did)

Oh - and leave the lets be friends decision up to her! Dont even suggest it! Its a slap in the face lol yet another thing my ex did.

In his defence though - he did put up with my crying and tempers and still after what I have said to him has been there for me .. so I guess it wasnt all bad..

I don't consider myself a heartbreaker by any means... but I'm a big proponent of honesty. Sparing someone's feelings and just fading away and leaving them wondering... I've had people do that to me before, and it kills. If you are sure that she isn't "it" for you, the best thing you can do is just tell her. Be gentle, be kind... but be honest about your feelings.

It is probably bad enough that you've grown distant, and surely she has noticed this and has been wondering why... the best thing to do now is just give her an honest and fair clean break. It will hurt, but it will hurt a lot less than the wondering.

oh god, and DONT hug her or hold her when and if she starts to cry, hands off. Hands give hope, and hope sucks.

i dont get it jet? u describe her as a great gf, common interests, good sex life, you care for her, BUT she's not the one? it seems kinda contradicting. can you explain why she's not the one?

i dont get it jet? u describe her as a great gf, common interests, good sex life, you care for her, BUT she's not the one? it seems kinda contradicting. can you explain why she's not the one?

I don't get it either. Perhaps I'm just screwed up in the head.

Best dump I can think of:

Person on phone: "We need to talk, would you meet me at the park?"

Later....

Person: This relationship isn't working out for me for these reasons: (actual reason) and (actual reasons). I wish you the best in life and think that you are a great person, but sometimes two great people aren't meant for each other [you can leave the latter part off, if you want]. I don't think we should talk for a while but later on if you would like, maybe we can be friends. Not for now, however. [Give a hug or don't give a hug depending on appropriateness]. [slight variations depending on the varying factors].

Sometimes all those things don't add up to "that spark". I felt this way with my most recent ex. Of course I can't speak for jettison... but I can understand.

The only hard part about a situation like that is wondering if you are truly making the right choice... or if you are running away from something really good and looking for something impossible.

if the spark was there.. if the timing was right.. you'd know it.

thats all there is to it. its like i told my ex 'sometimes you have got to understand that things just dont work, thats life.'

One suggestion: Don't make it about her... meaning don't use any "you" statements as they come accross accusatory. Try (it's hard) not to use any cliche statements like "I would like to be friends" even if you DO want to remain friends.

Do it in person, calm, respectfully and best of luck...

yeah all i can say is when i was dumped there was no closure i had so many questions that were not answered. at least stick around so if she has questions answer her so she can get the closure she needs

When I was ditched, I'd have liked to have been thanked for the good times, told why it wouldn't work, then wished luck for the future. In person!!!

And for God's sake please don't do it via email.

Singing telegram maybe?

Singing telegram maybe?

OMG, that made me laugh out loud! I just pictured it in my head.

oh god, and DONT hug her or hold her when and if she starts to cry, hands off. Hands give hope, and hope sucks.

I disagree. If you've explained that you think she's a great person but it won't work out, a hug goodbye/while she cries would be a caring gesture, and is unlikely to be misconstrued as something more. Just my opinion, though. I don't have a large amount of experience, that's just what I would like if I was being dumped.

Everyone here has given really good advice. My two cents:

First of all, the most important thing is to explain why it won't work out. I can tell you from experience, wondering SUCKS and when she should be healing instead she'll be obsessing trying to understand what happened.

Telling her the good things you think of her changes it from rejection to "you're both good people just not right for each other." But make sure you don't avoid saying what IS wrong, or it won't make any sense

Above all, just be honest and kind and tell her what you told us.

I'm sure you'll do wonderfully, you obviously care enough to do it right, which certainly counts for something.

trust me.. touching gives hope. i am a woman.. thats my take on it.. and it makes sense. you arent there to bond and comfort eachother, a breakup is about setting new rules and telling people to deal with it...

but then again my heart is made out of pure coal.

Since it's only been a couple of months, it should be an easy dump. Just tell her that you enjoyed spending time with her and you think she is great, just not the right person for you, and that you do not want to lead her on, so you would like to break it off sooner rather than later, so that she can have a chance to meet someone better for her. That way you seem as if you are doing her a favor by dumping her.

Singing telegram maybe?

Maybe a text that says, "the person who is reading this has just become single." Saw that method somewhere on ENA months ago...

Do you have any makeup you could use to appear to have pinkeye? or a really bad case of psoriasis?

Kidding aside, "This relationship is not right for me. Have given it much thought over the last several days and feel that it's time we move on separately. I don't regret any of the time we have spent together, and hope you will find someone who loves you as you deserve."

You could follow Homer Simpson's advice. Send her an email, text, or note that says:

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

Just kidding! Seriously though, definitely stay away from the email/text route. Its very dehumanizing.