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Thread: My husband is in the closet, help me!!

  1. #1
    headhoncho
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    My husband is in the closet, help me!!

    I have been married for 12 years. I always thought my husband was completely straight and loved women. We did experiment with dildos and ass play with fingers, strap-ons etc... I thought it was normal for him to like this with me....Until recently when I discovered he is reading about men who crave * * * * and he is also look at male porno videos.
    I am freaking out. He has not said anything and I have not told him I know.
    We have an amazing sex life.
    I do not think I can handle staying married to a bi-sexual man, or a man who is really gay but just does not know it yet. He is 40. Is this latent coming out slowly happening to him...??? Please share your thoughts. I am so sad.

  2. #2
    novaseeker
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    It's hard to know.

    People *can* be late bloomers in terms of coming to terms with their sexuality. It can be particularly confusing if one is actually bisexual, because sometimes (often?) bisexual men will tend to discount their same sex attractions if they are also attracted to women -- that is, at least some of these folks will be in denial about their same sex attractions for years because they minimize them in light of their opposite-sex attractions, and don't want to deal with possibly being bisexual.

    Do you have a good sex life? Does he satisfy you in bed? Is there a good frequency? If the answers are yes, it's very unlikely that he is gay. Most of the women who are married to men who come out as gay report pretty bad sex lives after getting married.

    It *may* be the case that he is bisexual, or he may just be curious about it. Looking at gay porn does not mean he is gay or bi. He may be very curious about it, given that he likes being penetrated (also doesn't mean he is gay or bi), but he may never want to act on that curiosity.

  3. #3
    jettison

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    Wow. That's quite an update of your story from the last time you posted. Hmmmm. It's hard to know what to think exactly. I would probably date a bi-sexual woman (I did, briefly), but if it's your husband, and he's really gay. That's tough. He's obviously hidden this side of himself from you, and it's your husband so that part is definitely off-puting.

    I don't know that he's completely gay though, and not just bi-curious. Afterall, he's not only married to a woman, he's also having great sex with her... usually not indicitive of someone who is simply gay.

    I do find it interesting that bi-sexual men do tend to make great lovers (not talking from personal experience here) from what I've been told by friends. That's just a generality of course, but perhaps all that experimentation makes them more comfortable with their sexuality then most.

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    headhoncho
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    Yes, we have sex very often and it is great. He does satisfy me without a doubt.

  5. #5
    headhoncho
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    Sorry, I did not want to confuse the 2 subjects/problems and lump them into one big question. They are my problems.....

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    headhoncho
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    I really do not know if he is bi or gay, but I think this is the tip of an iceberg.

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    novaseeker
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    Quote Originally Posted by headhoncho [Register to see the link]
    Yes, we have sex very often and it is great. He does satisfy me without a doubt.
    In that case, and in light of how long you have been together, it's virtually impossible that he is gay. Passionate, satisfying sex with women is something a gay man would find impossible to fake for such a long time.

    It's possible that he is bisexual, but it's also possible that he is simply curious about it, given his interest in being on the receiving end of penetrative sex. I don't think you have enough information to reach a conclusion yet -- and maybe he doesn't either.

    It's a delicate subject, but one you should raise with him if it bothers you (which it seems to). He may not know what to say, he may not know himself what his orientation is yet (and may not be willing to admit it), but if it concerns you it makes sense to discuss it.

    I know that may be difficult in light of some of the things in the other thread, but as a bisexual man who only came to terms with my bisexuality during my (former) marriage, I can say quite honestly that if it concerns you it is best to get it out in the open -- whether he is bi or merely curious.

  8. #8
    Ash
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    What's you concern here, that he may be bisexual, or that he might cheat as a result (I guess one follows on from the other).

    If you're not concerned about him cheating then I'd think it's not a great concern at the moment. I'd give it a little while (assuming this is quite recent). This may just be a passing interest, he may find it titillating for now but it may grow old soon enough. Your sex life is good, and I'm not sure the details that involves, but sometimes we go searching for more and more internally exciting things. Perhaps that's all he's doing and in a little while might realize it's not for him.

    Would him being bisexual and doing nothing about it with anybody else be all that much different from him being just heterosexual and doing nothing about it with anybody else? In other words, if he doesn't cheat, isn't unfaithful, still has great sex with you and is obvisously thereforeeee attacted to you, does it really matter if he's now perhaps attracted to not only gals, but gals and guys? Or does it all sort of start to sum up with the concerns on your other thread and you're just starting to feel more uneasy and unsettled with the whole thing, and your happiness is suffering?

  9. #9
    ~Enigmatika~
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    We did experiment with dildos and ass play with fingers, strap-ons etc...
    You are surprised he "might" be gay.......?

    The earth's atmosphere doesn't spin off into outer space....because of "gravity"...?
    I just don't know...

  10. #10
    TFulton88
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    Quote Originally Posted by novaseeker [Register to see the link]
    In that case, and in light of how long you have been together, it's virtually impossible that he is gay. Passionate, satisfying sex with women is something a gay man would find impossible to fake for such a long time.
    I completely agree here.
    As a gay man, i can honestly say i love a woman's form, but wouldn't be able to have sex with her on a regular basis. It's just not possible.
    Which means at the most, he's Bi.

    IF he is Bi, it doesn't change the fact that he loves you and that you've been married for 12 years. all of that is still there and you shouldn't forget that. It should trump everything else.

    Don't be worried. He's probably worried enough for the both of you.

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