Hello, I'm new too and I have questions for you

Hello,

First of all, let me say how happy I am to have found this site. You all seem very knowledgeable and compassionate.

I'm not divorced but I am thinking of getting a divorce.

We have been married 14 years. Five years ago we had a baby. We decided I should quit my job and stay home to be with my daughter. In retrospect, this was a huge mistake. I have been wanting to go back to work ever since and my husband felt strongly I should be home for our daughter. I have been extremely isolated. My self confidence is at an all-time low.

Our marriage over the past 5 years has turned into some kind of friendship. My husband doesn't really want to talk to me anymore, because he works long hours and is tired. He's been acting like the sound of my voice actually pains him. This is a horrible thing to experience. Especially since I've been so lonely.

So I've stopped calling him at work (I used to call him once a day to chat for a few minutes), I've tried to leave him alone when he gets home. I've focussed on working out or spending time on the computer. It upsets me that he seems happier that way. He's always been kind of a loner, but until the baby was born, he always let me in.

Over the years he's stopped holding my hand or hugging me. French kissing is something I like but that he doesn't. That's hard on me.

Husband doesn't want to have sex anymore and I suspect he is having erectile problems. Instead of seeking help, he has blamed me. Our sex life was ok until we had a kid, since then, it's been very hard to get him interested. Since she was born, we were able to do it once a month or so. Lately, I get naked, and I get rejected AND blamed, and I'm sorry to say that I've decided not to allow that to happen to me anymore, so I won't be initiating sex with him ever again.

Meanwhile, I've been working out and I look great. I'm 40 and I get mistaken for 30 or 32. I look better than I was at 30. Men are interested in me.

My decision to consider divorce was prompted by the fact that I almost had an affair. There is this man that I really like and we've been flirting. The fact that he makes eye contact and listens to what I say makes me so happy. When we talk, it's so easy to laugh and have fun. I really miss that. I recently gave him my number. I was ready to have an affair, or so I thought.

When he called me, I told him I couldn't go through with it. I've never cheated on anyone and I'm not going to start now. It was very difficult to do this, but my husband doesn't deserve being cheated on.

I'm afraid if things continue the way they are, I'm going to end up cheating. I have never been so lonely in all my life. I've told my husband everything I'm telling you, including my almost indiscretion. I asked him to get medical help for his condition. I've told him that I needed more attention from him and affection. He cried and asked me not to leave him.

My worry is that even Viagra will not make him want to talk with me or hang out with me. Plus, I must admit, his behavior in the bedroom has turned me completely off--I have no desire to be with him. I'm worried if this goes on much longer I'm going to end up cheating on him. Not in the near future, but eventually.

So to avoid behaving this way, I've decided to get a job and eventually file for a divorce. Maybe in 6 months or so, after giving my husband time to adjust.

This decision is eating me up inside. My questions to you are:

Am I a terrible person? He's a wonderful dad (maybe the best dad in the world), he has always taken care of me (not in the affection department but in many other ways).

Am I destroying my daughter's life? She has a special bond with her dad, I know it's going to be very hard on her.

Should I just suck it up and stay? Be celibate and lonely? I'm only 40 and I feel too young to live that way.

Thanks in advance for your help.

First of all I want to congratulate you for being so strong and staying true to your husband. A lot of people in your situation and in a low self esteem and neglected state would have had an affair.

The issue here it seems is that the communication between you two has broken down over the years and you and him both seem to have gotten comfortable with that.

I think before you consider divorce you should stay true to your wedding vows and give this marriage an honest shot. Through better or for worse, and the worse is really testing the strength of your marriage.

Find out why he doesn't want to hear from you, why you are a burden to him, and why he won't engage in sex with you.

I think 100% that there should be some counseling to help you two to help reestablish those communication lines.

Try to get to the bottom of why he is so distant. Even with ED, that does not give an excuse as to why he is unwilling to touch you and give you the emotional support and words that is required for a healthy partnership.

Is he unhappy at work? Does he resent you for some reason that you aren't aware of?

So many questions and things could be a root cause to all of this.

Is he himself being faithful? Perhaps this question needs to be asked. Sometimes I've heard of marriages where the man is working late and not interested in sex and sees you as a burden is because he has something else on the side. This obviously, has no bearing on whether he is a good parent or not.

I don't want to ruin your fragile emotional state by suggesting that but it is something you should at least consider.

I would say after you have tried every possible option mentioned and you still are having issues than it might be time to look into divorce - because I agree that a woman your age should not feel neglected like you do.

Boy, that sounds like I wrote that post...lol! I am in a very similar situation. I also get no sex and very little if any affection. I am also on the verge of leaving. It is so hard to do when you have kids involved(I have two ages 9 and 11). What I do know for sure is that it is worth trying everything you can to save the marriage and than if you still want out you should get out. Kids DO adjust and you can't sentence yourself to 15 more years in a loveless marriage. I don't think your child will understand now, but that's ok. She is little and doesnt' need to know all the details. But when she is older she will understand. Have you tried everything in you power to fix this? Is he willing to go to therapy with you?

Parents divorced when I was a teen. It was hard because I didn't understand why and they understandable hid and sheltered me from a lot of their problems. But in the end it was the best decision they could have made. My dad wanted to be a free man and my mother was sick of him wanting to be a free man so she filed for divorce. I do think my dad could have easily saved his marriage and brought back some romance and love into their marriage, but he became selfish. They married right after high school and I think he felt like he never had a chance to be a immature idiot like most guys are before they settle down.

Pretty sad seeing him go through that phase in his 40's.

But I'm getting OT here. They truly did just grow apart and they both ended up meeting partners that were MUCH better suited for one another.

It's hard now to understand why they were ever married in the first place. Two people that viewed life completely differently and didn't have a whole lot in common outside of us kids.

The thing is...both people need to want to give saving the marriage a try. It seems like you ladies would love for your husbands to step up to the plate and form a partnership with you again. I don't think you are asking for much.

But it all depends on the other partner. If one wants out and is unwilling to entertain other options - it can't be saved.

You may want to think of some alternatives before you decide to opt for divorce. Even though you may feel like you are at the end of your rope, you really don't want to throw away 14 years (and an intact family with a kid) unless you are completely sure that it is 100% the only way to proceed.

A couple of things you may want to think about are therapy -- either for yourself or both of you together (ideal if you can get him to join you). At a minimum, you want to understand for yourself what has really happened in your marriage and why (to the extent you can), and assess whether you can work together to rebuild it (or not). Therapy can be very helpful in this.

Another thing to consider is getting that job, working through the childcare situation, and, together with therapy, seeing if this makes you feel better. I know that there are many, many women who are in situations where their life transitions from working woman to stay-at-home-mother, and they experience feelings of isolation, drift, dissatisfaction and so forth. Some of that may be able to be addressed, perhaps, by changing that aspect of the situation without deciding -- yet -- to end the marriage.

Finally, in these kinds of situations you really have to resist the temptation to cut your losses quickly and begin to make your own plans, even inside your head, too quickly. That gets in the way of looking at the marriage with an open mind -- your mind will already be checking out of the marriage. So by all means do what you need to do to improve your situation, get therapy, get working again and so forth -- but don't check your mind out of the marriage just yet, or begin to make plans about your new life. There will be plenty of time to do that down the road once you have taken some time to look at your marriage more closely and understand it, if you in fact do decide to end it.

Hi LonelyMom

Welcome to ENA ! I am glad that you found us too !

First, of all- No, you are NOT a terrible person. You are human. You are feeling neglected and unloved and so as any person would, you instinctually are looking for someone or something to fill that void.

I am glad you decided not to go through with it- as I truly think this would only have made things worse.

I have been with my husband for over ten years, so I definitely know how tough these rough patches can be to get through. And how your husband can seem impossible. And I do know how tempting it can be to go for an attractive man who seems genuinely interested. It's much more appealing than a grumpy disconnected and uninterested husband.

I understand how you feel completely - I have definitely been there and it hurts. I am so sorry you are going through this.

You say this started when you had you child- So let's start there-

You both seem to be unsatisfied with this choice for you to stay home.

You feel isolated and unappreciated. And yor husband might have thought he wanted this- but it seems to make him unhappy too. He probably feels (Not through ANYTHING you did) like everything is on his shoulders with him being the only one working. A lot of men tend to underappreciate the amount of work put into raising a child and don't see it as "work". But he probably is feeling alone and weighted down with responsability. He seems to be experiencing high stress, so he wants to be left alone to deal instead of reaching out. And this stress is most like what is causing him to be ambivalent towards sex. What I think your husband is failing to grasp is that-interaction with your child is not the same as having adult company all day, That you crave that interaction when he gets home, he is not willing to provide it, and so you feel neglected and alone.

If I may be frank, I think what is lacking from both of you is a sense of understanding. You both feel like your needs aren't being met, the other doesn't understand you, and you both feel alone. But instead of reaching out to each other, you are both closing off and giving up - Expecting the other one to come full circle with no effort on your part.

It doesn't work this way.

The good news is- It does sounds like you both do genuinely care about and love each other- You just lost your communication and aren't expressing your needs to each other.

So, first things first-Stop expecting him to change things or make them better for you. Focus on what you can do. When he comes home, tell him how much you appreciate his going to work to provide for you. Ask him about his day- show genuine interest. Do something nice and unexpected for him.

This will help put him in a better mood. Once he is, discuss the fact that you may wish to consider going back to work.

I think you need to get back to basics- Being honest with each other.

Tell him how you are feeling. People tend to do things in kind- Meaning if you do something nice, he'll be more inclined to do something nice for you- and if you listen, he'll listen. Granted this doesn't always work like clockwork.

I think you need to sit down and clearly state to him how you are feeling without getting angry, just calmly tell him. And then you need to ask him to express himself - so you both have a fair shot.

You may discover there are things going on that you didn't even know he was feeling. Reopen those communication lines.

Of course, counseling would be ideal- but if you aren't ready for that- Begin by expressing yourselves to each other first.

As far as the affair goes, you were wise not to do anything. You are going through a tough time, so lots of grass looks a LOT greener right now.

But you know that over a decade is a LONG time- any man can look perfect after just meeting them, but they have their own array of problems too.

So get out of the mindset that this is "your " problem This is your "shared" problem - and I think if you continue to look at it that way- it will be better for you- Here's the "for Worse" part of the vows. Don't put an affair band aid on- that's all it is- a temporary way to make yourself feel better.

Instead, focus on ways to permanently make you AND your husband happier.

Your child in this situation just needs to know that you both love her. But don't involve her in your marital issues- Stay because you want to work it out with your husband.

I know you feel you are reaching a breaking point- So reach out to your husband. I know this is MUCH easier siad than done- cause I have been there ! But really, take baby steps (nothing will become better overnight) But if you really care and truly want to save your marriage, this is what you need to do. I hope this was somewhat helpful !

I wish you the best of luck .

Tangi

You got to live your life. Its better you divorce while your daughter is young, it won't have that big of an impact on her, just because she won't be that used to having both parents in the same house living together. To me the definition of long hours=affair. Have you guys had sex AFTER the baby was born though?

Thank you all for your responses.

i_win:

It did take a lot to stay faithful, thank you for understanding. I do not think my husband is seeing someone else. I think he has ED and a naturally low sex drive. I also think he is kind of a loner who shuts a lot of people out. He let me in but he is now shutting me out. During our talk he did not say he was angry at me, he did say he had a lot going on at work. In general he hates my telling him what to do, but since I know that I try very hard not to.

My husband will go to therapy with me, but I doubt he will say anything, he's very reserved. I'm worried that we will go there and I will be the only one talking and pointing out the things missing in our marriage and he'll just sit there feeling ambushed.

Also, in my heart I'm not sure therapy will make him genuinly feel like being around me again. Am I wrong about this?

shoppingGirl:

I'm sorry you're in the same boat. I think therapy is the next step but I'm not sure how that's going to bring what we had back. We are great friends, we'll always be friends, I'm just not sure I can stay in a room-mate situation for 15 years, as you've pointed out, that's a long time...

i_win:

I guess I'm like your dad wanting to be a free person. I really wish I could just suck it up.

novaseeker:

Ok, I will try to push for therapy. I think I may have a lead. It's scary because I've heard it could go either way.

tangi39:

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I know it takes a long time to write a post like that.

You were absolutely right when you wrote: "He seems to be experiencing high stress, so he wants to be left alone to deal instead of reaching out. And this stress is most like what is causing him to be ambivalent towards sex. What I think your husband is failing to grasp is that-interaction with your child is not the same as having adult company all day, That you crave that interaction when he gets home, he is not willing to provide it, and so you feel neglected and alone."

You also wrote: "So, first things first-Stop expecting him to change things or make them better for you. Focus on what you can do. When he comes home, tell him how much you appreciate his going to work to provide for you. Ask him about his day- show genuine interest. Do something nice and unexpected for him."

I'd like to clarify that I have, until very recently, continued to give him attention, affection and doing nice things for him, even though I'm getting rejected. I've been working very hard at our relationship. I have been reaching out to him. I'm not the one that closed myself off.

You're right, I reached the breaking point last Sunday, when I gave my phone number to the other man.

redhearts:

You wrote: "You got to live your life." That's exactly what I wanted to hear. I've been feeling so guilty about everything I've done and felt. Thank you for writing this.

I really don't think he's having an affair.

Since the baby was born the sex trickled down to once a month and it was all me stimulating everything, he just hasn't been into it. Now there's no sex and he blames me. I think he's having an ED problem.

ED would not explain away why he's stopped kissing me on the mouth. Without getting too graphic, there are other ways he could be there for me, and other things he's completely stopped doing for me. When I asked him why, he didn't have an answer.

Okay I don't mean to get a little uhm, don't know how to say, but when women give birth of course down there it gets stretched a bit, theres thing to get it back I hear, but what if it wasn't as before and thats why? I mean you just keep saying his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault! Ever think if theres something your not doing right?

Have someone babysit your daughter, give him some red bull and vodka, that will wake his man up, be in lingerie holding it. Try it!

If he gets all oh God, doesn't want to do anything. Don't get upset at the fact that nothing happen or he wasn't interested. Just be calm and be like its not my fault. Go do your own thing, get dressed and go out do something. Who cares if its by yourself, maybe get some friends as a back up. Or even say okay, well I started dinner, and finish a great dinner, so you guys can still have a goodnight.

Its a little hard, a heavy meal, will make you want to sleep not have sex, no meal no energy. But thats where red bull comes.. lol

Redhearts are you a man or woman? I think that you have no idea what is like to be naked in front of your husband and he just turns you down. It is devastating. It is the worst form of rejection for a woman.You can't just walk away like he didn't just hurt you and go out to eat or something. The pain builds and lasts for a very long time. It sounds like it IS his fault. She is initiating sex and he is turning her down...or can't get it up. He needs to be honest with her and let her know what the problem is.

Ok, I will try to push for therapy. I think I may have a lead. It's scary because I've heard it could go either way.

It can. But try to approach it with an open mind, and that you are there for you, to figure things out for yourself -- whether it leads to staying or leaving.

Also, many therapists will schedule sessions with each of you separately, so that your H can have a place to spill his beans without being in front of you and without feeling ambushed by you. The best therapists will advise you not to ambush your spouse in the joint sessions -- thats what the one on one sessions are for -- you vent alone, and get the therapist's response, and then when you are in joint session, you try to communicate a bit with each other.

Alright well my bad, regardless of any circumstance I learn for things to not get to me. So this is entirely different! So I apologise! Okay, well hes definitely hiding something from her. The only reason I see a guy not wanting sex from his partner is:

A. Hes getting it somewhere else.

B. His partner is not attractive anymore.

C. He may just have feelings for someone else.

D. He really just doesn't want sex anymore.

Alright well my bad, regardless of any circumstance I learn for things to not get to me. So this is entirely different! So I apologise! Okay, well hes definitely hiding something from her. The only reason I see a guy not wanting sex from his partner is:

 

A. Hes getting it somewhere else.

B. His partner is not attractive anymore.

C. He may just have feelings for someone else.

D. He really just doesn't want sex anymore.

Or

He is stressed and tired and has no space for it

Or

He has a naturally low libido

Or

He never managed to transition from married couple to married/parent couple

etc

Now I am not defending his boorish and hurtful behavior -- rejecting your wife in bed is boorish and hurtful. But there are more reasons he could be behaving that way than what you have listed, even leaving aside wildcards like orientation confusion (which are almost certainly not at play here).

Am I a terrible person? He's a wonderful dad (maybe the best dad in the world), he has always taken care of me (not in the affection department but in many other ways).

 

No.

Am I destroying my daughter's life?.

 

No.

Should I just suck it up and stay? Be celibate and lonely? I'm only 40 and I feel too young to live that way.

 

No.

 

He is not delivering on his part of the deal. My only question to you is have you talked to him about this. I mean really talked....had a two way conversation.

If not, sit him down, tell him you are thinking of leaving him and why. See how he responds. It will tell you if there is reason to hope or if you should just crack on with things.

Redhearts: My vagina is fine, thank you very much, lol!

Honestly I'm beyond trying to seduce him any more, I have no desire for him at this point.

Yes, I'm in a "his fault" stage, but that has come after years of blaming myself for being too fat, too old, talking too much, etc.

P.S. I'm neither too fat nor too old. I do talk too much.

ShoppingGirl:

You wrote: "I think that you have no idea what is like to be naked in front of your husband and he just turns you down. It is devastating. It is the worst form of rejection for a woman.You can't just walk away like he didn't just hurt you and go out to eat or something. The pain builds and lasts for a very long time."

I couldn't have said it better because it was so horrifying, I was left at a loss for words. The last time it happened, it felt like a car accident, the world like stood still for a moment. Total nightmare.

Novaseeker:

Thank you, it's good to know there are ways not to turn therapy in a husband-bashing session. I do love him and I don't want to hurt him.

I think you're right, he is stressed and tired, he has a naturally low libido and since the baby was born he has become super dad and forgotten about me completely. I think this stems from issues he had as a child.

Thank you Melrich,

Yes, after my almost indiscretion, I told him what had happened, explained how lonely I was feeling and told him I was worried that we may not "be together forever" as we had planned.

He stated that he was busy/preoccupied at work. That because of the kid we can't have sex in the morning which is when he feels like it. He again started blaming me for his problems in bed. He said that I put too much pressure on him to have sex and it freaks him out, it feels like a test (this doesn't make sense to me because I've been doing the same thing now for 14 years. I start hugging and kissing him and if he is responsive I ask him if he wants to go mess around. We go to the bedroom, I get naked in the bed next to him and kiss him, etc. I have not done anything differently. I do think he's having some kind of issue, he's had fertility issues in the past. Perhaps this is really bothering him, so he's blaming it on me).

I then asked him point blank why he has stopped doing things like holding hands, kissing me, and other things that he used to do... he had no answer for this. We also talked about how we have changed and enjoy different things. This makes it very difficult to discuss planning a vacation. I brought up the fact that I feel like I'm not allowed to talk to him at all and we should at least talk about what we want to do on vacation. So we tried and came to the same conclusion: we just can't agree on what to do for vacation. I know this sounds trite, but when you work all the time and only have a couple weeks off, it's a big deal.

We also can't talk about finances or anything at all for that matter. If I try to talk about it, I get a "I don't want to talk about that right now." So I leave it alone, but it makes me very uncomfortable.

The conversation ended with him crying and asking me not to leave him.

The second conversation focussed on what we could do to fix the situation. I proposed couples therapy. He said he didn't want to go, but he'd go if I wanted to. Thing is, I know him and I just know that he'll go, but he won't participate. So we left that option open.

I proposed leaving the kid with grandma and spending a week away alone. He stated he'd miss our daughter too much. Meanwhile, I'm thinking that we'll be bored silly with nothing to talk about. A week alone would also put pressure on the both of us to have sex and I'm honestly not ready to go down that route again. Honestly, going on a vacation alone with him is about as appealing as a kick in the head. I think I'd have more fun alone.

The conversation ended with him making a bitter comment about me having "threatened" to leave him. I told him I wished I could tell him things would be ok but that since a lot of it depended on him and what he was going to do, that I couldn't be sure. Then we both apologized to each other.

Since then, he's been trying to be kind and friendly, so we're back to being good friends, which is where we started. Good ol' friendly parental units.

I've seriously come to the conclusion that we love each other, we've been friends for a long time, but that we're just not in love anymore. I don't feel in love with him at all at the moment. This is an awful, awful realization because I feel I'm going to hurt the two people I love the most, my child and my best friend.

Just thinking aloud:

In many ways having an affair would be so much easier. I'd get my needs met without having to leave him or disrupt my kid's life.

Why is this so hard? Why do people fall out of love... why do we fall in love with other people? Are human beings just not meant to be monogamous? Are we just meant to stay together 20 years or so (i.e. the time it takes for a child to grow up?).

I really thought he was my soul mate.

I don't think you've really given this a full shot until you've gone to a good counselor who has been doing this for a long time.

He and you have hit a roadblock in your marriage and neither of you have the answer as to why you are good friends but not lovers and partners. I think counseling could get to the bottom of some of these issues and answer some of the questions that you have.

Otherwise, history will keep repeating itself and your old habits will dominate and supress anything new.

Since then, he's been trying to be kind and friendly, so we're back to being good friends, which is where we started. Good ol' friendly parental units.

 

I've seriously come to the conclusion that we love each other, we've been friends for a long time, but that we're just not in love anymore. I don't feel in love with him at all at the moment. This is an awful, awful realization because I feel I'm going to hurt the two people I love the most, my child and my best friend.

You sound very much in the space I was in with my ex-wife. You are both holding on to this marriage because you are scared of the alternative.

I don't know whether you need a final go at counselling, I am feeling what you really need, both of you, is the strength to admit where you are at. I am feeling that even the "improvements" under threat of being left are going to be shortlived. I think as a couple, you are what you are.

going on a vacation alone with him is about as appealing as a kick in the head. I think I'd have more fun alone.

I think you would to. And at 40 I think it's time to start thinking about that.

I don't think being a soul mate means you never fight or question being together.

I believe alot of people think that being someone's soulmate means you should have perfect love- which doesn't exist as no two people are perfect.

I believe my husband is my soulmate. But we have been through rough rough patches, I have felt tested as I never imagined, and I have questioned our relationship several times- do I still think he's my soulmate- Yes

Lucille Ball when questioned about her divorce with Desi Arnaz:

He was the great love of my life. I will miss him until the day I die. But I don't regret divorcing him. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I don't think it's a matter of loving each other. If you didn't love him- You would have gone through with the affair without a second thought

And if he didn't love you- He wouldn't be pleading and crying for you not to leave him.

So- this is a matter of living together in harmony- which is harder than just loving someone.

Since the ordinary ways of communicating then you need to try new and different approaches- Maybe you could pick up some relationship books as a guide.

I still think therapy is the best option for you.

Talk to your husband and tell him- If you really do care about saving this marriage, then stop giving lip service and let's actually do something to work on it. But I think it's important to remember- It's about "both" of you- Make sure you talk about therapy as being a tool for you both- Not as a way for you to blame him. Assure him that you are not trying to place blame on him- You are taking steps as a couple to improve your marriage.

I know it can be exhausting when you feel like you have done all you can- and yes, I agree- He does have to meet you halfway. I understand the frustration. I felt that way during the last rough patch with my husband when it reached a point where he needed to step up, stop blaming me, and finally treat his severe depression. He finally did- but before that happened, quite frankly he put me through hell-A lot of the same type of things you are now experiencing, so I understand feeling like you've reached the breaking point. It's not a fun place to be.

But please know that things like this DO happen to most LTR couples at some point, you are not alone in this.

But look to those who can really help- Friends, family, counselors, etc.

And don't drag another person into the mix. Affairs of this nature never end well.

If you need a different perspective - Think of 20 years from now-

If your daughter were in this situation- What would you tell her ?

Would he rather you go away for a week? Wouldn't he miss you? You need to tell him, hey I'll miss our daughter too, but we need to work on this relationship. I mean getting your daughter to go to your moms or what not for a week won't help. Shes in this situation with you guys, so you need to find a way to work around it. Maybe when she starts or has she started preschool yet? Then things may get better? Although you both may be working while shes in school.. hmm. Hes just not telling you something.

I've seriously come to the conclusion that we love each other, we've been friends for a long time, but that we're just not in love anymore. I don't feel in love with him at all at the moment. This is an awful, awful realization because I feel I'm going to hurt the two people I love the most, my child and my best friend.

That can happen, but it can also change back. When things are going badly, it's hard to feel "in love" with your partner. But that can come back -- with a lot of effort and will by both partners to work hard to get there, knowing that they might not succeed.

Just thinking aloud:

 

In many ways having an affair would be so much easier. I'd get my needs met without having to leave him or disrupt my kid's life.

In fact this is why many people have affairs -- they are a way of getting needs met without upsetting the applecart, so to speak -- initially. The problem is that the deceitfulness involved in having an affair does a number on your integrity -- you find your integrity begins to trickle away the longer you live a lie like that, and that leaves you in a worse place overall than it would have been to go through the turmoil in the first place.

Why is this so hard? Why do people fall out of love... why do we fall in love with other people? Are human beings just not meant to be monogamous? Are we just meant to stay together 20 years or so (i.e. the time it takes for a child to grow up?).

These are philosophical questions -- I think people will have different views about them, and honestly I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all solution for personal happiness when it comes to love. People are different. But regardless of that, the main thing is thinking about what to do now.

I agree with Melrich that you need to take a long, honest look at where you are both at. However, I also think that therapy would be helpful, regardless of what comes of it. Even if it is only you in therapy, that would be tremendously helpful for you personally in a situation like this. As for your husband, you could arrange for him to see the therapist alone first, or for a while -- that way you aren't there and he may be able to explore things more easily. Therapists are pretty good at dragging things out of people -- even the most reluctant ones -- given time.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a very upsetting time, and it's very trying to have these kinds of conversations, these kinds of thoughts. Hang in there and try to remain as calm as you can while you parse through things.

Ok, first off you are not a terrible person and you are correct you are too young to live that way! Its saddens me when I hear things like this because it seems you both do love each other but the affection has completely disappeared.

Has your husband always have erectile problems or just recently? Have you asked him if he wants to have sex and he just can't get aroused or what? I think you need to sit down with him again and tell him that you need this affection, you need someone to talk to at night, you need him to be a husband in more ways than just providing for his family. I think maybe marriage counseling would be good idea as well if he is willing to go. It seems he does love you, since he told you not to leave him and he said with you after you told him you were on the verge of cheating. I think cheating is not the answer in this case, it will only make the situation worse and cheating in a marriage has ALOT of consequences... you could lose everything... your house, custody of your child, etc. Be careful with that, one night of pleasure isn't worth it!

Anyway, I think you should definitely try hard to get things resolved... if after a few more months you don't see any improvement then you can start thinking about divorce.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

i_win: I have left a message for a therapist in our area and am waiting for a call back.

melrich: Mind if I ask you if you had children at the time? Have you ever had regrets about your decision? Did the guilt eat you alive?

tangi39: I think I am giving lip service to saving the marriage at this point. At the moment my heart is just not in it.

you wrote: "If your daughter were in this situation- What would you tell her ?"

If she didn't have kids, I would tell her to leave, no hesitation.

If she did have kids, I don't have enough information to answer that question. It depends on how bad divorce affects children. Since I haven't gone through it, I can't answer the question.

redhearts, you wrote: "He's just not telling you something."

I think he's too scared to admit that he's just not into me anymore. Too scared to admit it to himself. His mom bailed on him when he was little and in a way I've become the replacement mom. I know for him this will be like loosing his mom again. I don't want to be his mom...

novaseeker, you wrote: "That can happen, but it can also change back. When things are going badly, it's hard to feel "in love" with your partner. But that can come back -- with a lot of effort and will by both partners to work hard to get there, knowing that they might not succeed."

Well ok, I'm having a hard time visualizing that right now. I think I've decided to go to therapy and give it 6 months. At that point, I'll reevaluate the situation and see how I feel. Maybe things will be better--I am going to find a job though, my mental health needs one!

Thanks for the support Novaseeker, you're right it IS a very upsetting time!

Taylor527: You're right, I will not have an affair.

The erectile problem is new but the lack of interest in sex is not, it's been going on pretty much since the baby was born. Long before that he stopped initiating sex, although he was happy to go along with it. At some point he decided he didn't like french kissing and this is hard for me because that's a huge part of foreplay.

melrich: Mind if I ask you if you had children at the time? Have you ever had regrets about your decision? Did the guilt eat you alive?

No we did not have kids and that did make things easier for us. Don't get me wrong, the first year after we separated was tough. 10 years later and I realise the decision was absolutely the right one.

IMHO there is nothing sadder for an individual than feeling stuck in a relationship they don't want. It's like being behind bars and there is no reason for it. You only get one life and it is your duty to make it a happy one. Your kids will adapt.

Well, I sincerely hope the therapy helps give you some clarity.

And I hope you discover your heart's true desire.