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Thread: [Update] Getting my girlfriend to lose weight...

  1. #21
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    Yeah.

    Apparently, though I didnt know her when she was young. she was always a 'chubby' kid. She lost a bunch of weight about a year before we went out. So she was skinny for about a year and a half, and now shes overweight again, I guess she just feels thats her 'comfort' zone or something, which is ironic because I've never met someone so UNcomfortable with themselves..

    She said one time 'I'm hurt because if I looked like this when we met you wouldnt have gone out with me" and I said, yeah thats true.

    This is a girl who's had more wake up calls than I can count on my fingers yet she is still to do anything about it

  2. #22
    Member Blackbear's Avatar
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    Sean.....the reason she's complaining is because she's letting you know that she knows you are disappointed and she is as well. She is obviously eating for another purpose other than to just eat. Something in the relationship has been lost and she has decided to replace it with food. In the beginning I'm guessing the lovemaking was out-of-site and then began to eventually move towards "so what are we going to eat tonight." Right? The reason she's not sexy to you has not much to do with her weight but with something else. There are some overweight girls on this planet that would drive a gay man straight and I mean that literally! The reason is because of how they carry themselves confidence-wise. If your girl does not feel pretty, she's not going to carry herself sexy thereforeeee, you aren't going to view her as sexy. My advice. Start telling that girl how sexy she is GRADUALLY (she'll notice the change in comments) and at first she will deny them all but eventually she will begin to believe the truth. And then watch how she starts to love herself again. Watch how she will want the touching to start again. Watch what happens with the weight. As soon as she feels beautiful again......she's gonna blossom and look out when she does...(whoever's got her)!

  3. #23
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    But thats what most people dont understand.. She doesnt have an eating problem. She doesnt just eat.. she doesnt eat more than a regular person

    I said in my last thread she used to be a dancer. That was when she really took care of herself. Then all of her friends quit dance so she did also. Other than the 1x a week I see her, and school every day, she doesnt leave the house for the most part.

    I got her to join a gym for free and she went like 3 times, gave up on that.

    I got her to start 3 different diets, gave up on those.

    Hell, she found this '3 day diet' that promises to lose 10 pounds in 3 days. I did it the same time as her, and I lost weight, so did she. I asked her if she was gonna stick to it the whole month, and she said..

    "I dunno.."

    I seriously wanted to .... her. The lack of motivation is SUCH a mega-turn away. She cant say NO to anything.

    I have all the proof I need. She knows as well as I do the #1 reason our relationship is at stake is because of her weight, and she STILL wont change it. But of course I cant talk about it without her freaking out and throwing a fit, which sucks even more.

    On top of that, if she makes a fat comment about herself, and I dont tell her otherwise, she will get all moody. She'll be like 'that wont fit my fat ass' and she'll look at me, expecting me to say 'oh your not fat babe'.. Yeah I tried that 4 months ago, doesnt work. Now I just will change the subject right on the dime. I'm not wasting my breath on this anymore

  4. #24
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    She doesnt have an eating problem. She doesnt just eat.. she doesnt eat more than a regular person
    But she's put on 45lbs?

    That isn't right. Either she has an eating disorder and you're not seeing it, or she has something wrong going on inside and needs to get to a doctor.


    Sounds to me like she has a real bad self-image and wants the outside to fit. It's a catch 22 for you - you can't cajole someone out of that, and making them insecure about it just feeds into it.

    You have to decide whether her weight is a hard limit for you, because you can't make her feel worse about herself while at the same time saying that you won't leave her for fear of not finding someone who clicks like the two of you do. That's just contradictory.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member _Asti_'s Avatar
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    Well, I can certainly say I relate. My boyfriend really isn't fat, he's 6'5" 280lbs, he's generally a big guy, and when we started dating he was generally all muscle, and was good and fit, which I enjoyed and liked because I myself am quite fit. Within the last 6-8 months he's really let himself go. And it was very hard for me to deal with, because I certainly lost a bit of attraction. But it wasn't so much the actual weight gain and body change that changed it, it was the constant complaint about it. "I'm gross..this won't fit, that won't fit.." and he had no self confidence whatsoever, he didn't love himself, and to me..its very hard to be with someone who doesn't give a crap about themselves. It wasn't the actual weight gain that I found so much the issue, it was his change in attitude and confidence.

    I was actually quite blunt with him, our sex life took a huge hit because of it and he's a very very sexual creature, and it was a chore for me to have sex.

    I really wish I had some magical treatment for you. Me being completely blunt about the issue worked for him. We discovered he had alot more issues going on, and it required him to do a complete life evaluation and change and start in a new direction. I focused not on the weight/body change, but the attitude component, stressing that he's beautiful and gorgeous when he's happy. And in some ways I even exageratted the issue, when he was out running, working out, eating well..I was all over him. Something he can't get enough of..reward the positive behaviors and just left the negatives alone.

    Have you questioned this? Have you told her why she's doing this? Have you told her how you felt about her attitude, and the things she's displaying in this process? Not her actual weight gain, but her behavior, habits and attitudes that are emerging from this weight gain, you are having a hard time dealing with. By no means do I want to be with a body builder, but I am an active outgoing person and I like to eat well and take care of myself and I stressed that those were things I wanted in a partner. I realized his weight was an insecurity for him, so I didn't bother telling him his weight gain was an issue, because he already knows that...it was about his attitude and behaviors and all the things that were being displayed during this time frame that I hard a hard time dealing with, and its those things that make him beautiful, he can weigh anything, but as long as he's positive and has a great attitude and some confidence, he's still absolutely beautiful.

  7. #26

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    Originally Posted by seanforever
    I will never understand women. Too emotional for their own good
    Not all of us. There are plenty of women who care about looking good for their man.

    Break up with her. You'll feel like a jerk at first, but then she'll lose all the weight once she's back on the market, and then you'll realise that she's the one who's the jerk.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
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    First off, she's not a 'jerk' just because she's overweight. Just like a person who is depressed is not a jerk because they're depressed. She obviously has a problem and is struggling and doesn't know how to solve it. Losing weight isn't just about discipline if there are psychological and/or physiological reasons behind the weight gain.

    Most people with this kind of weight gain have emotional issues and possibly an eating disorder that needs professional treatment. This is different than a few pounds creeping up on her. This is a massive weight gain in a short period of time.

    When you start assigning labels to her, like 'Shamu, lazy, fat pig, whatever', you are showing a HUGE lack of empathy and that you are primarily deeply annoyed that YOU are not getting something you want, which is a hot chick, and that you have such a high (exaggerated) opinion of yourself that you deserve to be able to hurt someone to make yourself feel better or amuse yourself.

    Now you are perfectly entitled to a hot chick, if having a hot chick is the most important thing to you. If that is your gating factor, then break up with her and go get your hot chick.

    But recognize that she does NOT deserve attacks or name calling because she is not meeting one of your needs. She deserves empathy, for no other reason than she is extremely unhappy with things as they are, and seems very challenged and unable to deal with it. I think she needs treatment, not someone kicking her when she's down.

    Remember this attitude when you are over 40 and are bald and have man boobs and can't get it up so well anymore. Imagine yourself in that position, because odds are really good that WILL be you as it happens to most men. Would you want your partner acting disgusted and ridiculing you?

    I don't mean to be vulgar, but to shock you out of your lack of empathy and the way you are casting this in your mind. if you love her, you should at least have empathy for her, even while you also have a right to decide you don't want to be with her.

    The best thing you could do for her is sit her down and tell her, you need help. Also say that she obviously is not happy with herself either, and that you know she wants to change but isn't able to do it on her own, so it is the right thing to do to get help for herself. Then if she refuses to get professional help, then just tell her that your own priorities are such that you need a hot girl to be happy, and you don't think she's hot anymore, though you used to think she was really hot.

  9. #28

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    Originally Posted by BeStrongBeHappy
    First off, she's not a 'jerk' just because she's overweight.
    I didn't say she's a jerk for being overweight. However, it wasn't very considerate of her to put on 50 lbs right after getting into a relationship with him. From my experience, women who do this usually lose the weight as soon as they're single and find that men of the calliber they desire don't give them attention at that weight.

    If she had put on 10 or 15 lbs, that would be a different story. But putting on 50% of your weight in just a few months, without a good reasons (like a medical problem) surely must have involved a deliberate change in lifestyle. I think that is extremely inconsiderate, to say the least, of her partner.

  10. #29

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    It's just that she didn't understand that "dieting" was not the answer, she neeeded a lifestyle change.

    She dieted, exercised, etc. and lost the weight - not understanding that she had ot maintain that lifestyle of healthy eating and regular exercise to maintain her new size and fitness level.

    I don't know why he wants to stay with a yo-yo personality - because that's what she is.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by agent
    But she's put on 45lbs?

    That isn't right. Either she has an eating disorder and you're not seeing it, or she has something wrong going on inside and needs to get to a doctor.


    Sounds to me like she has a real bad self-image and wants the outside to fit. It's a catch 22 for you - you can't cajole someone out of that, and making them insecure about it just feeds into it.

    You have to decide whether her weight is a hard limit for you, because you can't make her feel worse about herself while at the same time saying that you won't leave her for fear of not finding someone who clicks like the two of you do. That's just contradictory.
    Its because all she eats is crap

    Her family is constantly eating out, or odering food. She thinks fettucini alfredo and mozerella sticks from BJ's is a normal meal to eat regularly. She thinks a caramel apple is healthy (because its an apple) ](*,)

    I can go on and on about foods to this girl and its like talking to a brick wall. If she has a salad she loads it with avacadoes. I'll tell her every day not to eat fast food and she'll tell me she had a little Carls jr. I cant even begin to explain how frustrating it is.

    I want to seriously scream at her but all she will do is tear up and tuck into her emotional disaster until I feel bad enough about it to say sorry to her.

    And she is lazy. In every aspect of her life. For example she hates going up stairs. She doesnt exercise. Even sexually... I wont get into that but- its not fun for me, she basically just likes to lay there. Which is a HUGE turnoff. I basically stopped having sex with her. Which I dont mind at all, its not really a staple in my life, I can live without it. I'd rather have her when we started going out at 125 pounds and abstain than sex everyday at 170. Pretty outrageous claims right?

    I heard men are visually sexual. I dont disagree at all. To me love and attraction are 2 different things. You CAN have 1 without the other. I love her yet I have no attraction to her physical self. If it was a quick weight on-weight off scenario it would have gone fine. but its been like 8 months that shes been on this hill and its longer than anyone (IMO) could handle

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