7 months

I've been holding off posting a thread for the past 2 weeks because....well, I don't know. I don't think it will make me feel better. That's not to say any advice or comments offered aren't appreciated...I just....well I don't know.

It's 1 hour and 55 minutes away from being the 8th of May. Seven months. I hate the 8th. I hate the number, the date....I hate it. Seven months. And I don't feel any different. People say I've made progress but where is it? The past couple of weeks I've been feeling more and more like I did when I hit that wall in my car.

She left me a note. I found it a couple weeks ago. Read it a couple of times. Put it away. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel about it. Her reasons....I guess I can understand them in a way. But it doesn't make me miss her less or feel better in any way. I feel empty. I feel pain. I feel low. I feel like I want things to end. I'm sick of "surviving". I'm sick of being a "survivor". Not just in the aspect of surviving a loved ones suicide (because, lets be honest......I'm not going to survive that am I?), but life in general. A survivor is all I've ever been labelled as. I survived my childhood against the odds. I survived school against the odds, I survived whatever and whenever. I just want to be normal.

I'm supposed to have got better by now, not worse. I'm supposed to be able to look back and smile about our life together. People don't want to see misery or sadness or hopelessness. People don't want to hear about it, And I'm exhausted....so tired of pretending. Acting just exhausts me.......you'd think it'd make me sleep but I don't. I'm still finding that the only place I can sleep is the bathroom floor, where I found her. That's weird I know. Who wants to sleep in the same place that someone died? I don't know why. Don't ask me....I don't know.

The bed is too empty. The flat is too empty. The atmosphere is heavy and dreary and grey. Everything is weighing down on me and I'm too weak to keep going. I can't be bothered anymore. You can only survive so much. I've had my fair share and now I'm out of options. I look at my scars and I think those are just physical......but the mental scars are worse....a lot of you will know that......but the scars she left me with.....they're even worse and nothing will make them fade. I'm tired.

Hey J,

7 months really isn't THAT long.

No, you're not supposed to be better now. There is no time limit to grieve a loved one.

Some people will grieve their whole life, but that doesn't mean the pain isn't going to stop and your life will stop. It won't. Losing someone is THE hardest thing that happens to us in life. Especially someone we love with all our hearts.

And you will hurt more and more until you feel better. But one day you WILL feel better. It WILL take time. And I know you are done feeling down. But one day you will wake up and feel better. You will always remember her, and she will always have your heart. But one day you will move on and and be happy again. You just need to have faith and stay strong. You have made it this far, and you should be proud of yourself!

Maybe on the 8th of each month, try to spend it with friends and family, and try to get your mind off of it.

Stay strong. (((hugs)))

oh stories ... i don't even know what to say ...

im so sorry. if i could take all the pain away with some magical button i would. but i can't i just hope you hang in there ....

All those feelings are normal, Storeys.

I feel the same way, only for different reasons. I'll bet there are a lot of us here who carry heavy burdens each and every day, wondering why we even bother to get up another day. Today I'm wondering why I am washing clothes. Why does it even matter? But I go through the motions with a glimmer of hope.

Sorry to hear of your loss. 7 months has not been that long and you will never forget about this and it might always be a bit painful, especially this time of the month. I had a cat. Yes, a cat that I lost. A animal and it has been many years since I lost him and I still feel pain about losing him and some guilt about doing the right things and what not - I can not even imagine what you have gone through.

I know that you will survive and one day find some inner peace with the whole subject but it has not been that long and it is okay to still have your down moments. You are human, not superman and no one expects you to not be affected by this and move on like everything is great. There is no reason to act Storys and acting might be unhealthy. Be yourself and with time I think you will find some answers and peace with the situation. Hang in there.

So sorry to hear of your loss. Would it be realistic for you to move to a new home? Maybe it's too much to ask of yourself to stay where you are. Environment can mean a lot. Take care.

Every time I read one of your posts, I fill up. It puts a lot of things into perspective - I'm not kidding. I wish everyone would read your posts and absorb them so.

I wish I had the words that you need, but my PM box is always open should you require a listening ear.

Hang in there.

Every time I read one of your posts, I fill up. It puts a lot of things into perspective - I'm not kidding. I wish everyone would read your posts and absorb them so.

 

I wish I had the words that you need, but my PM box is always open should you require a listening ear.

 

Hang in there

 

I agree. Reading what you have been through makes me look at my life differently. Perhaps you can take comfort in the fact that your strength in such times of adversity brings some of us inspiration.

Who says you are supposed to be be better by now? I didn't know there was a "rule" book. Everyone is different.

I am wondering if it's healthy for you to stay living in the same flat where the two of you lived. Have you thought of moving?

I can understand wanting to sleep on the bathroom floor...that doesn't seem off the wall to me at all.

Scars are souviners we never lose...the past is never far. But you are going to have to face these demons Storeys. Are you in therapy? And I mean more MORE than just meds. You gotta talk this out.

I know you hate the 8th...and you probably always will. But the 8th of each month is going to come just as soon as the sun will rise each day. We have to learn to accept the sucky things in life that we can't change. And this is one of life's real tragedys.

PM me if you wanna talk more...

My best to you...

~Allie

Hey 15,

7 months isn't very long at all. Just enough time to catch your breath and no longer be in shock, in my opinion.

How the heck can you be 'all better' in such a short period of time?!? Not a reasonable proposition.

I know a little about particular days. A day that is coming up, which I shall happily leave unnamed, is mine.

To echo a few other posters:

I'm supposed to be able to look back and smile about our life together.

You're kidding, right??? I think this is a little batty and outrageous, to be quite frank!

A bad sprain to the ankle takes longer to heal than 7 months.

So this thought...just take it and wad it up...and chuck it out completely.

"Supposed to." Yeah -- says who? I feel like actually asking you that question...I bet you a million you can't find any answer to that. Because there is none, and no "supposed to."

And contrary to what you feel about your "getting worse, not better", I disagree. Sometimes you are too close to it to see it for what it is. It's that ol' thing about sitting there looking at the grass thinking the grass isn't growing, or having your nose squashed against the mirror and being convinced you have one eye. What you think you're seeing is not the whole story.

One step outside this, I see your progress. It comes in fits and spurts. And when it grinds to a halt, or you feel drained...and especially at these octaval intervals of the month...you feel once again that you are not making progress. But in between these times when you are convinced you are just getting worse or stagnating...there are times when you think...maybe I am getting a bit better? A bit stronger? A bit has been done? "Go me." Yes. Those times ARE there, and what's very VERY important here is that when you hit those doldrums, remind yourself: "Aha. I have been here, I've seen this ugly side of the coin where I once again feel everything is for naught." And then you say: "But I know that I've also felt better as well. I know those times will come again, in bursts as well." You can count on feeling like nothing is happening.

And you can count on feeling that something IS happening and getting better and stronger. These times will get more and more. BE VERY PATIENT. When the bad times come, keep in the back of your mind the times you thought it might be a bit better. Those are not tricks of your mind. They are not wishful thoughts. They are not fanciful passing emotions or passing moods. They are not bits of nothing. They are real, for REAL -- they really are what you think they are. Better moments are better moments, and no one can take that away from you. And you've got to remember them. They will increase, but not at a rate that spares you pain.

I also think I'll stick my neck out here to venture to say...that I do think maybe you should think about the idea of moving. I don't know if it's too soon. I think it's possible it's not, so give it some thought. You can take EVERYTHING with you. EVERYTHING of hers, every last item. Just relocate it to a place where you have a new atmosphere to think about it all. You leave nothing behind doing this except the bad reminders everywhere that are dreary and dark. The good stuff is where you will take it everywhere you go. The good stuff is where you can't leave it behind a door, and turn a lock on it and leave it. You take all that with you. But you WILL leave the walls where you've experienced the most painful thing of your life. I think it might do you a lot of good to take the good -- and leave the rest.

Not just in the aspect of surviving a loved ones suicide (because, lets be honest......I'm not going to survive that am I?)

I'm not sure what you mean by this...you have already survived a loved one's suicide. And by saying, "I'm not going to survive that am I?" are you saying it's inevitable this will do you in? This is not going to do you in, Storeys. You WILL survive this, too. I know you're sick of that. Hearing that, thinking that, being told that. It's all too familiar by now. But you know something, every single person is "surviving" -- and despite what that word implies, it really is a victorious word. You can forget the label if it bothers you. But the meaning behind it is nothing but sterling. Don't discount what you have achieved, don't water it down, don't demolish that greatness.

There are a lot of demons you have not completely dealt with, and no matter what was to happen with you, in your life...eventually you'd be facing them more directly. Usually, we don't get to just stash things away forevermore, never to look at them again, it just doesn't work that way for anyone, so you're no exception there. Usually, something does force our hand -- something. I'm so sorry that this situation you find yourself in has only brought them back full force, to the fore. There is nothing good about this, but for this one opportunity -- and that is, now you absolutely have to cultivate the self-love you would do better in this life to have more of. Now is a time for you to really see how crucial that really is. And there is no substitute for that, for any human being, no matter who else loves us or how lucky we get.

I'm not too fond of labels myself, as you know. But there's a book I'm interested in about "being a survivor" that might be of interest, at least in this link. There are some rather meaty excerpts on this page that I found quite inspiring. Maybe you will find something in this, too:

link removed

Hey. You are going to get through this.

(((hugs)))

Storeys,

7 months is a drop in the bucket, my friend. I am now coming up on the 2nd year of her not here for Mothers Day, and have my son's emotions to deal with also. That will be quickly followed by her birthday, May 18th. Top it off with our wedding anniversary, first week of June.

I am still in a world of pain on these dates, will be forever. But I now longer lay on the kitchen floor, fetal, because time does heal some, but not all feelings.

Please do not hold yourself to a specific calendar...7 months, one year, etc. Your heart will let you know when and where you are emotionally. It WILL heal. It DOES get easier. You seem reluctant to accept this, but I am here to tell you it is in fact, true.

And please, do not think you are doing her memory a diservice if your grief begins to fade. It is part of the healing process.

You will have her in your heart as no else can...in a special vault, with special feelings. That is her memorial from you. Hers is that you live your life. Embrace your life, and keep her close.

I don't think there is anything that I can say that hasn't already been said but I will say this: Patients is the best ally you can have on your side, Patients with yourself. Time is almost irrelevant.

What you have been through has been extremely tragic and traumic and it isn't something you can just get over in a few months. You can't expect a man who has been punched in the stomach to recover the same a man who was hit by a train.

Also know that how you feel comes from within. If this happened to you you just turned round, was ok and just carried on as you were then you wouldn't be human. You would be an unfeeling robot.

Don't think you should be "here" by now, you should be thinking this and that or you should be feeling this way because it's not that simple. The human mind rarely is. Just give yourself time but not a time limit and have the patients to feel the way you feel without question or question it but know that the answers may not come until a long time in the future when you can look back and see how far you have come.

Thanks for all your replies. What I mean by "supposed to be better" isn't that I'm supposed to be back to normal but that by this time, I shouldn't still be crippled by this yet that's how I feel. Still. I can't even contemplate moving out. I need to be here. The only place I can get any sleep is the bathroom.

I found out yesterday that my mother has phoned Dean's parents wanting my address. They didn't give it to her. But I wonder what she wants and why they didn't tell me right away. And that is bringing a lot of stuff back and on top of everything else I just feel like utter crap and my head is full of all of these thoughts and I feel clueless as to what to do.

I think the last thing you need is someone coming back and bringing up the past. You have enough to deal with.

I can see why people are saying to move out. Being there must be a constant reminder that she is gone but I think you find comfort in having her things around too. I was lucky in that way, I went round my girlfriends house, got my things and never looked back. I'm afraid that you being there has left you kind of like a record that skips back and you can't get past that one point because things, reminders are round you all the time.

I imagine Dean's parents know that you have your work cut out for you without whatever this might bring. And that even informing you of it woud create conflict in your mind about what to do. So I think they were stalling in order not to complicate matters and create even more dilemmas and rake up the coals on a whole new front.

So then, your parents know this much? Dean's number?

This is quite some timing, I must say, with you and having to deal with the enormity of the 8th, and all the significance of that.

You are not ready to move out then. That's okay. I trust that you will know when you are more ready to think about it. But just know that you taking all of your things and hers to a new place might actually be symbolic for BOTH of you of a fresh slate. If you imagine taking her along with you to a new place, where you both are free of the old reminders, then it's her new home as well. Just something to think about.

Did Dean's family say anything about what your mother told them? Did she indicate any reason for this investigation?

As for not being crippled still...all the foregoing applies. About there being no timetable. Feeling crippled by your dearest ally leaving you in the lurch, without the chance to say goodbye, on their own volition, leaving a whole future in ruins is totally sane.

But what you do with it, you have in your hands. Storeys, you will come through this being a master of yourself, and there is nothing greater to hope for in this life. Cling to that for everything it's worth -- that you will make something out of this you can't even conceive of now.

Keep the book open.

She didn't say. Just asked for my address and when they said no she pretty much hung up straight away. I really don't need this.

I completely mirror this post Storeys...

For all you know, the reason Dean's mom didn't tell you sooner was because she knew the signifigance of the date.

So all you know is that she called, and simply that she has Dean's number. Period. NO more than that. Don't let your imagination run away.

WHEN the time is right, you can move on with your life and take her stuff with you. You need not leave it in the the apartment. I agree with Dagless as well...being around her stuff is a constant reminder to you.

I am very sympathetic to your sleeping on the bathroom floor, and believe me, I can understand why that is the only place you can find peace.

But that is JUST for now. KNOW that that WILL CHANGE. In time. It will.

You simply must believe that.

Hold on....

~Allie

NO, you don't need this. I agree fully!

Let it go. Let it pass.

You have your path in front of you to heal, and you've got to keep your eyes on that.

Storeys,

Dags hit the nail on the head...there is no way for us to judge where we should be at a particular time. At lunch today, I ran into an old friend, who I had not seen since the service. She asked about my son and I, are we coping? Then she said "I'd heard you we're ill, then I heard you were well, then I heard you went to counseling, then ill again with grief, then better. How ARE you?" "All of them", I replied. And she smiled. Because there is no time frame to follow, it is your personal burden, which adheres to no one's schedule but your own.

My own 2 c's.....You have come a long way since you first posted....back to work, exercising, eating better....healthier I imagine, and probably put on some weight you may have lost. Standing too close to the mirror sometimes distorts our view of ourselves.

But to me, you seem better.

KG

She didn't say. Just asked for my address and when they said no she pretty much hung up straight away. I really don't need this.

Nope....you sure don't.

No one is gonna argue that.

I thought of you today Storeys. I hope it wasn't too painful. Keep reminding yourself that it's two steps forward, one step back, and then two steps forward again. Anniversary dates are always hard.

Thanks.

This is the sort of time when I need Cass here with me. And now she's not and it just makes me miss her even more.

Thanks.

 

This is the sort of time when I need Cass here with me. And now she's not and it just makes me miss her even more.

And you should know that those feeling are NORMAL.

Don't go labeling yourself as "abnormal" for not being "over it"...

You are completely normal.

Everyone heals differently.

There is no set of "rules" that say "Well, it's been 7 months, you should be done with this, now there is something really wrong with you."

Everyone heals at their own pace.

There's no rule book that comes along with tragedy.

~Allie

7 months is such a short time to grieve even a common loss, not one as profound as yours. Few people really are tested to that degree, but somehow I think you can handle this by working through the haunting questions.

You may never get over this, but will come to terms with it and discover your hidden strength.