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Happiness Within.....


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Yeah, MissKitty....I feel like I gave everything, was completely myself....to the point that even when he was dumping me my ex was singing my praises about how patient,kind,thoughtful etc. I am and what a special person I am. That I won't be left on the shelf!!! So why the heck don't you want me!?!

 

It's really tough to bounce back from that....from being told that "nothing was broken" within the relationship. That fundamentally just means: you're the only thing wrong with the equation.

 

Us- You= Me (+/- someone else in time)= Happiness

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I know this sounds very existentialist of me but you almost have to not care about anything. If you care too much, then you will notice too many little things such as the ones that you listed which will make you even more upset.

Just look at life and laugh at it, call it a joke, do whatever you need to do to lessen it's serious grip on you. Who cares what people think or say, who cares if you made a mistake...because you can not control the past or other elements outside of yourself. Just concentrate on the now, and make the best of it.

Take care!

 

Nick

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I have been through the ringer also. After years of depression, never finding luck, etc, I made some very positive changes in my life. What finally healed me and helped me to move on from my father's death, grandfather's illness, being cheated on time after time, etc. was that I enrolled in grad school for what I really wanted to do with my life. Now while this is a big and expensive step, think of something similar you want to do that would help YOU gain control of your life. Not only that, but it's something you are doing to make YOU happy and no one else. Honestly, it healed me.

 

Now while I am going through another slump again in the relationship category, and am probably about to write another post about THAT I at least am now doing what I worked hard to achieve and I know I have that and can be proud of it.

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Ok so here is my take on this...and I will preface it by saying I am not always in this state of mind...

I think you find happiness within yourself when you take the time to look at your life and everything you have been through and experienced and realize that it has helped shape who you are.

For myself inner happiness comes with finding my dreams and learning that I have the strength to follow them.

I have had some crap things happen to me and I have made some bad choices and I have definitely made some mistakes but when I take inventory of who i am, and honestly look at what I have to offer as a person in this world I find happiness in that.

I think inner happiness comes when you have purpose and when you make your world a bit bigger...when we are in pain all we can see if ourselves and what we're going through and it never makes sense and all it does is hurt.

I try to volunteer and find ways to make positive changes in this world. Somehow when I am working with kids with down syndrome or autism or when I am in south america amidst such poverty it makes my problems seem less dauntingl. When i am volunteering it gives me something tangible within myself that i can admire and i don't know if you have ever done it but i have to say working with special needs and going on these building trips to south america i have been given so many gifts by these beautiful innocent and pure people...

I still have dark days and I don't minimize my experiences or my pain but gaining perspective makes them more bearable, having purpose takes away from the randomness and gives me my power back...

I think inner happiness comes in stillness when you take the time to accept who you are and that you became that way because you faced difficulty and pain...

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Happines is a state of mind and can be found not comparatively to what others have but achieved within yourself. You should set goals within yourself catered to your situation, realistic ones at that, achieve them and settle at that being happy. Although I can's say I've had the worst nor best of luck or I can't say I'm as bad/well off as others I was unhappy with myself for a very long time until I thought hard about what would make me happy as a person in realistic terms. Then I set goals for myself, realistic ones at that, achieved them and now I'm extremely happy with myself. I never look at how much easier it is for others to have this or that and I never compare myself with them. Comparing yourself with others around you is a key to failure.

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I know this sounds very existentialist of me but you almost have to not care about anything. If you care too much, then you will notice too many little things such as the ones that you listed which will make you even more upset.

Just look at life and laugh at it, call it a joke, do whatever you need to do to lessen it's serious grip on you. Who cares what people think or say, who cares if you made a mistake...because you can not control the past or other elements outside of yourself. Just concentrate on the now, and make the best of it.

Take care!

 

Nick

 

Oh wow I really like that. Ironically, that's pretty much my ex's attitude to life (though his is more on the selfish rather than "not bothered" side....)

 

Not that it's bad of him for prioritising his own happiness....but he is the type of person that doesn't give a damn if it effects anyone else (apart from his family)...be it friends or girls.

 

I want to strive to feel carefree. I really want to wake up and to have no memory of all this or worry. Sunshine of the Spotless mind, anyone?!

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Litgirl ...

 

About a month ago I visited my first love, crush from high school. He is in a physical rehab center. I would have given my left arm for him but he didn't have much interest in me back then, he is mentally doing very well, great sense of humor and seems to be the guy everyone goes to when they need a lift.

 

Here is his story. When he was 17 he was thrown from the rear window of a car in an accident and broke his back and most of the bones in his body. He was hospitalized for nearly a year but made a pretty much full recovery in time. Later in life he had a hard fall water skiing (he was competitive) and fractured his neck, again healed. One more time as an EMT/emergency nurse on a Flight for Life helicopter he broke his back again when it crashed as did all the other attendants in the helicopter (the patient was not injured by this crash). Fast forward about 6-7 more years and all that damage slowly was destroying his back plus at an early age he developed osteoporosis. They put in a pain pump to inject painkillers directly to the area of his spinal cord generating his debilitating pain. Up until this time he was mobile although now requiring a walker. Unfortunately a growth developed at that site and he is now a paraplegic. His wife divorced him when he was hospitalized.

 

I just know that my emotional and relationship struggles in life pale in comparison. I see his humor and strength. How can I feel sorry for anything in my life when I see his struggles and courage?

 

We all fight with these pains and disappointments but we are so lucky in many ways, we have the option to rebuild and move forward in our lives. We can choose our future, we can look at our struggles from the past and see what choices we made that may have given us a different future. We have the option to try again.

 

Happiness comes from within you and when you learn to find that, no one, no situation can destroy that, that is what I have learned from this friend.

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I agree with so much of this I really do, especially the bit I highlighted. I admit I don't volunteer really, I don't think helping a few elderly neighbours really counts, but when I think about all the people who are worse off than me it makes me feel guilty for being unhappy and so I feel worse! Especially as most of them aren't feeling sorry for themselves! Sorry if I got a bit off topic, I can't even remember what my point was now...

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FLYING

 

I am truly sorry for your friends experiences, that is definitely more then any person should have to endure.

With that said I find it hard when people compare those who have had physical pain and illness with those who have had mental pain and illness.

As a person who suffers from depression, anxiety etc...i struggle with guilt because I hear stories such as the one you told and these people endure so much...

but my question would be how do you endure when it is your mind that is broken, when it is your mind that is sick.

People who endure the most painful physical experiences have strength of mind to get them through but what do you do when your mind is your worst enemy?

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I agree with so much of this I really do, especially the bit I highlighted. I admit I don't volunteer really, I don't think helping a few elderly neighbours really counts, but when I think about all the people who are worse off than me it makes me feel guilty for being unhappy and so I feel worse! Especially as most of them aren't feeling sorry for theirselves! Sorry if I got a bit off topic, I can't even remember what my point was now...

 

I was trying to stress that I don't think anyone should ever feel they have to minimize their pain or experience. We are our experiences and what might seem bearable for one can be the complete opposite for another. It is not for me to judge...and i didn't say what i said to minimize or place guilt on anyone...i was just saying from my experience you get so much out of giving that you expand your world view and that changes how you view your pain...

hope that is more clear and that everyone knows i do not mean to minimize anyones pain...

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Internal happiness comes from self-growth and accomplishment. It comes from having belief in yourself that you can overcome the bad and embrace the good. It's also about how you treat others. Treat others well and be a 'good' person and no matter what life throws at you, you'll always know that you did and do the right thing.

 

Its about having confidence in your abilities, about striving to better yourself and grasping opportunities when they come along. Its about challenging yourself and pushing outside your comfort zone and accomplishing new things. Its about learning about new experiences, new subjects and growing an appreciation of how the world around you works, and by extension how you can best be a part of that world.

 

notice how there's not one mention in that lot of finding the 'right' partner

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I was trying to stress that I don't think anyone should ever feel they have to minimize their pain or experience. We are our experiences and what might seem bearable for one can be the complete opposite for another. It is not for me to judge...and i didn't say what i said to minimize or place guilt on anyone...i was just saying from my experience you get so much out of giving that you expand your world view and that changes how you view your pain...

hope that is more clear and that everyone knows i do not mean to minimize anyones pain...

 

I know you weren't trying to minimize anyones pain, I can see that in what you've written! Maybe if I actually did do some volunteer work then it might help me (as well as others) instead of just thinking about people worse off than me!

 

Sorry once again I'm no help to you Litgirl! Hugs anyway!!

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But, what if you weren't such a good person in the past? What if you are now socially isolated from your past arrogance, narcissism, selfishness? What if you are starting to see your faults, for the first time, a year and a half after you wrongly left your wife? We have two kids, now 11 and 8. I've had nearly equal placement. But, I've been so depressed the past few months over what I left behind. My parenting is suffering. My work is suffering. I'm suffering financially. I need to find this happiness within to overcome these stressors, but these stressors seem to preclude being happy. Any suggestions?

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But, what if you weren't such a good person in the past? What if you are now socially isolated from your past arrogance, narcissism, selfishness? What if you are starting to see your faults, for the first time, a year and a half after you wrongly left your wife? We have two kids, now 11 and 8. I've had nearly equal placement. But, I've been so depressed the past few months over what I left behind. My parenting is suffering. My work is suffering. I'm suffering financially. I need to find this happiness within to overcome these stressors, but these stressors seem to preclude being happy. Any suggestions?

 

I think knowing your faults and recognizing them is a huge step towards happiness...and it gives you something to focus on...really examine who you have been and how you have acted in different situations, map out what if anything being that way brought you and then figure out the better way...the best way to learn in our future is to examine our past...

You can be a better person, you can be anything you want so figure out who you want to be, what you want to represent in this world. Take the time to thnk about what would you make you happy and what would you make you feel good about yourself...make a plan...start small with one characteristic you would like to change and then when you see the positive from making that change you will feel empowered to continue to change...

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Happiness can never be achieved. The opposite of happiness is sadness, they both come and go.

We need to achieve contentment. Being content is being at peace.

You can have contentment in the best of times and the worst of times.

 

Being content is about putting aside the ego and putting the focus on the spirit. Making positive changes and being positive.

I've been striving for this for many years.

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No one really knows! Kidding! Dodo...I like the dodo scratching it's head! Made me laugh! Before I met my ex I was relatively content and happy with what I was doing. I had all my ducks in a row etc.

 

I just have to say....there are a lot of imperfect people out there who are in relationships and relatively happy! All just getting through life together! So, I am a person who is pretty level-headed, educated, intelligent, willing to work on things, wise in some ways, and I can't seem to find a partner in life! Sure I have issues...who the heck doesn't??? I have some abandonment issues, self-esteem issues, etc. Does that mean I'm unloveable????

 

My ex was so unbelievably good to me in the beginning...it made everyone nauseous how much he was in love with me! How much we were in love with each other! He told his family and friends I was the one! If you saw the letters and cards he sent me, you would see. He was so attentive, present, and loving. He called me every night and emailed and texted me every day! From England! We saw each other as much as possible (a lot really) and he never made me pay for a thing. He paid off my bills for me so I could be with him! He paid for my plane tickets and for the fiance visa which was $1000.00! If you could have seen what he wrote in the letter to the consolate (for the visa) it would have brought you to tears! It did me! He wanted to marry me without a doubt and I wanted to marry him without a doubt. He was the first man I REALLY loved on so many levels. He was my best friend in the world and I never imagined he would abandon me! When he broke up with me I was shocked. When he didn't come back to me, I was shocked! That he hasn't tried to get me back...is shocking! I don't know what to do with it???!!!!????!?!?

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FLYING

 

I am truly sorry for your friends experiences, that is definitely more then any person should have to endure.

With that said I find it hard when people compare those who have had physical pain and illness with those who have had mental pain and illness.

As a person who suffers from depression, anxiety etc...i struggle with guilt because I hear stories such as the one you told and these people endure so much...

but my question would be how do you endure when it is your mind that is broken, when it is your mind that is sick.

People who endure the most painful physical experiences have strength of mind to get them through but what do you do when your mind is your worst enemy?

 

I beg to differ ...

Most of them are no different than any of us, they are not stronger mentally but become so in order to survive. If the will to do that is there, we can continue to strive for that within ourselves. Extreme mental illness is one thing but we are talking about the pursuit of happiness and inner peace.

 

This is the struggle many face and conquer. One can never conquer this if one doesn't take the steps to move forward. Situational depression and anxiety are common, we can give into this or we can learn how to control and conquer these traits within ourselves. For some it is a life long struggle, but they win also.

 

And some of these people with the broken bodies have broken minds also, there is no special gift of a "stronger" mind because their body has been broken, they have made a choice of will and you cannot help but admire them, the easy way out is to give up. It is even more difficult for them to maintain peace of mind, they fight pain and mental suffering in a way I could never guess. They fight depression and rejection. They cry and hurt like all of us and the ones who meet this the best, look outside themselves to help others. That is their secret.

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Your ex sounds very similar to mine. We were in a long distance relationship too. She was so incredibly loving and sweet to me in the beginning. Her sister used to tease her for being so loved up! I wasn't sure about being in a relationship to begin with because I was still figuring myself out, I was scared, I can't really explain why. She was the first person I loved and the only person I've ever trusted. It didn't enter my head that she would leave me. I thought if anything it would be me panicking and getting insecure and pushing her away not the other way round! So yeah I understand the shock you felt. I wish I could say something more useful than I know how you're feeling! Maybe you're ex hasn't contacted you because he thinks that's the best for you?

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Your ex sounds very similar to mine. We were in a long distance relationship too. She was so incredibly loving and sweet to me in the beginning. Her sister used to tease her for being so loved up! I wasn't sure about being in a relationship to begin with because I was still figuring myself out, I was scared, I can't really explain why. She was the first person I loved and the only person I've ever trusted. It didn't enter my head that she would leave me. I thought if anything it would be me panicking and getting insecure and pushing her away not the other way round! So yeah I understand the shock you felt. I wish I could say something more useful than I know how you're feeling! Maybe you're ex hasn't contacted you because he thinks that's the best for you?

 

Why did she leave?

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She told me it was because she was struggling to cope after her mum died last year so she didn't think it was right to be in a relationship. I tried to be a good friend so I still continued to listen to her talk about how she was feeling about her mum and cheer her up when she was feeling down. I had hoped we could work things out. I believed she'd told me the reason she wanted to break up.... Then I found out she has a girlfriend. I don't know if they've been together since before we split up or not. It really wouldn't surprise me. It hurt so bad because I'd done everything I could to help her after her mum died, I put all my problems to one side to focus on her and it feels like she dropped me when she didn't need me anymore. Now I'm struggling to cope with my problems and she's not here to help like I tried to for her. That's why I'm finding it hard at the moment.

 

I really don't understand why she couldn't just tell me she didn't want to be with me. It would have saved me from a lot of pain and false hope. Anyway enough about me, this is your thread! Why did he leave?

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OMG Dodo.......exact same thing with my ex (ok...he isn't with anyone YET...but he's back on dating sites as soon as we split )....told me it wasn't me, was his dad's death etc. which I supported him through for the last 9 months...turns out it was actually that he just didn't want to be with ME...that came out a couple of weeks afterwards. Why not be honest from the get go instead of fostering my false hope by promising to date me again when he wants a girlfriend, and saying it was because things are bad for him right now, when really he is doing much better, and has realised doesn't need me anymore.

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