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Why can't I leave????? Love addiction?


molson_0212

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I could really use some words of wisdom.... I am 26 and engaged (my fiance is 32)... We have only been together just over 1.5 years... I do love him... but most of our relationship has been a struggle. We have a hard time with communication when it comes to feelings or thoughts on issues in relationships, most of our discussions turn into fights. My fiance has a bad temper and hard time controlling his anger.. which over time has rubbed off on me.. On a monthly basis we have arguments that always have breakup threats in them...... My fiance has trust issues as well (from previous hurts) and this over time has rubbed off on me also because I feel those who are insecure and don't trust, often are the ones who actually do stupid things in relationships out of fear and insecurity. My fiance gets very insecure when I go out without him with my girl friends, especially to bars... he doesn't want to do anything fun anymore.. Just stay in and watch movies.

I am very attractive, have alot of single girl friends and just want to have fun! I have never been the promiscuous type, which is why I find myself in these serious long-terms over being single and dating a bunch of random men. Problem is, once the novelty and newness phase wears off, I start to get bored and at this point I am too settled down and in deep that it is hard for me to get out. No one GETS why I am with my fiance... they see me and wonder why I am with him.. People think he is WAY out of my league.... but I never cared about this..

 

I am soooo afraid to marry my fiance... alot of this fear has to do with his temper/control/jealousy... but also because I'm afraid there is just more out of life that I haven't yet experienced.....

I try and think logically that I SHOULD just go be single and enjoy life for a few more years..... there will always be someone out there when I'm actually ready to settle down... But I just can't get the nerve to do it !! I have broken up with my fiance already 3 times during huge fights, and we always end up back together within a few hours.

I live in HIS house.. and breaking up with him would mean ALOT of changes for me.... it is a shock to the system!!! Which is probably why I make the move, and never stick with it !

I do LOVE him alot.... but deep down I KNOW he is not good for me....... He is too insecure and not really that compatible... but for some reason it scares me and is hard to walk away from him because I do love him and I had so much HOPE for our relationship... Over time, I have just seen too many negative aspects that just ruined my whole soul. Our arguments got so bad that I went to a very traumatic period of stress where I lost alot of weight, became depressed and sick. I have been to my doctor and a counsellor who all know my situation and are trying to get me get the strength and direction that I need to make a decision.

 

I don't know WHY this is so hard? It's not like I have children together, or am married... We have been together 1.5 years!!! What is wrong with me? A huge part of me knows that while I love my fiance, I do think there is love out there most likely JUST as strong as what I have... maybe even stronger!! Yet I can't gain the strength to leave... a part of me is stuck. I have done reading on love addictions and think this could be part of my problem.. I have been in this situation before (but didn't have NEARLY as many reasons to leave- as we got along amazing and no fighting, insecurities, etc.) My first boyfriend was 5 years and it was hard for me to leave but I had too much curiosity for life and wanted to experience other things. I ended up meeting a guy and became closer to him and ended up cheating on my bf and then got the courage to break it off..... I knew this was WRONG and hated myself for doing it... but it was like I needed a reason or needed my heart to be with someone else before I could let them go.

 

Does anyone have any help or suggestions for me..... ? If if would be better for me to move on with my life, I need to know HOW I can get the confidence to do it... I feel so stuck and scared to make a move.

 

Thank you!

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You're in love with the idea of being in love with someone that is of the caliber he's not, and being responded to in a way because of his lack of character and self-esteem that he cannot.

 

You're in love with the idea of love...you're not in love with him, and you're prudently terrified of what commitment and a life with him is going to be like on a regular basis.

 

You're in a constant struggle for who gets the last word, or to control the situations. HE's always going to get it- he's bigger than you and prone to violence according to your post.

 

He hasn't had to hit you yet to get you to submit, he'd also be legally more in a bind hitting or attacking someone he's not legally related to.

 

Marriage to a violent person is what opens the door in their mind to be violent with you if you don't submit entirely to their agenda.

 

You're not in love with him...you're in love with the idea of being in love, you want identity and security thru association.

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You have to leave and do it now! You only live once so experience as much as you can before settling down and you only want to marry once so would you be able to marry a guy who you even openly admit deep down inside is no good for you. Anger and jelousy issues are very serious and usually do not get better on their own. If he is angry and controlling now how much worse do you think he's going to get when you guys tie the knot? You are 26 and if you feel you haven't experienced as much as you use to than do what you feel is right and experience some more, you don' t want any regrets later on in life, what if? Also, it does not mean you guys can't try this later in life in a year or two and in the meantime you can tell him to deal with his trust/anger issues. I wish you all the best! Good luck!

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So how can I get help to fix this? I read alot of articles or books but nothing helps..

And I wouldn't say I "submit" to him... I'm always the one saying fine we are done and he will come to me the next day and want to work it out... After fights I don't call him, or I will leave and disappear for a day and he will call and harass me and want me to come home to talk.

I am the one that goes out with my friends after work or on weekends... It always causes fights.. but I am the one that tries to take space and he wont give it...

 

But I do think I am in love with love in general... and I do believe I like the security... I don't know why..

I have been single and alone after my first long term and I was VERY happy... I remember how happy, confident and outgoing I was... then I met my fiance and we hit it off right away..

I seem to be doing GREAT until I meet someone I really like and I get dragged into the relationship thing...

 

I have hobbies, friends, good family, etc. It's not like I have NOTHING to do and need a guy to occupy my time... I dont'..... but I still feel it hard to leave him for some reason.

My first relationship I had my own life completely and was away from him ALOT.. but with my fiance I don't... I try to... but he makes it difficult for me.

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After reading your post and seeing how much doubt and reservation you have about marrying him I would not marry him.

 

I think you are young and want to experience life more, and then there is the separate issue of your dysfunctional relationship in which you fight and feel controlled and are fearful of your partner's anger and jealousy. None of these are healthy feelings and they are not feelings that should be ignored.

 

You're right, it will be a difficult change to leave someone and move out of their house and start your life over (I've done it twice and it's very hard- but I don't regret it and I think you will regret marrying this man and than having to inevitably go through an ugly divorce vs. ending things now and moving out.

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molson_0212,

 

There is much in your post that comes to mind as being very serious red flags. In that I find it baffling that an individual is currently engaged to someone they don't truly love anymore. It's not to say there isn't love there, just the very essense of what brought you to love him initially has now passed.

 

I don't know what it was your fiance had faced or went through in past relationships, but I can definitely say that when someone manipulates you or lies to you or breaks your trust that it's usually how they managed to do it that sticks in your head. More or less that you can't believe you fell for it or allowed it to happen. In some ways this makes it easier to deal with because you don't confront or bring up anything. Thus allowing it to continue on.

 

It sort of works in a similar way as being someone who doesn't have an easy time with confrontation or getting out of a bad situation and sort of lets it fester and get worse to a breaking point; either with cheating on them or by up and leaving, etc. To be honest though it appears to be a frequent pattern with your relationships. I mean you wrote that you had dumped a guy of 5 years because you wanted to experience other things. And not before cheating on him with a new guy? Or that the problem is that after an amount of time the newness wears off and you become too vested in the relationship to leave?

 

As a guy who knows too well how frustrating it is to have had trust broken or been lied to or manipulated or even been told numerous times something like "I don't know what I want. I think I need to go out and try experiencing what life has to offer" as a way of knowing that what you loved is now over and you just have to deal with it. Sometimes it's no wonder guys have a hard time to commit or be secure with themselves when this happens more often than one would like. Which then brings me to my last point.

 

Whatever brought you two together I'm sure this guy loves too and that's what if you truly love this guy deep down and aren't just in need to explore again on your own, then I personally think he does need to address his insecurities and way of handling the relationship. It's very apparent that the guy let's stuff get to him quite a bit and the way he reacts and goes about it is just straight up unproductive. I know I am included in this too. I know how easy it is to let things get to you when you've been lied to before and try your best to put yourself out there all the while. It's why it's easy to put these little things on the line and overreact every time the other person wants to exercise their right to being independent.

 

That's where although if you love the guy that you be patient while he sorts himself out and that he sort himself out. Because this way of dealing with these situations and by arguing the way he does, he'll end up alone quite a lot lol. Only really though he would really be best off addressing that issue or he may very well find himself without you or anyone for that manner. Which is also why I would say that if you love this guy I would try telling him how you feel and how you're doubtful and hesitant over marrying him because of his temper and insecurity issues. They won't just go away and that's why it's best to approach it from a loving standpoint and express how he comes off and your fleeting love for the guy. If you can't do this or find yourself having a hard time with this, then also consider the alternative based on what you have done before or what you could do and whether it is healthy or not.

 

Best of luck and because it already sounds to me like you've made up your mind about this guy then perhaps seeking out what best way to address this with him is what you're really trying to figure out.

 

Cheers.

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