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I'm starting to realize I have no real friends :( Is this OK/healthy for a 23 yr old?


Lily04

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Hi all..

 

Well, as good as you all are to me online sometimes, I am starting to get a bit lonely. I live in a pretty big city. I have went through 4 years of university. I've made various friends and acquaintances. But all too often gotten frustrated as we'll just talk in classes or sometimes on MSN but when it comes to going out and doing stuff together, or becoming closer, it doesn't really happen. I feel like I honestly can't relate with a lot of people deeply. The few I did... who were guys, became attracted to me, but as I only saw them as a friend, I told them that and then they lost touch. We could not get closer as friends often as a result. The girls... for some reason, after getting closer, soon enough drift apart.

 

So I'm in this situation, where I'm graduating, and can't think of one friend to even invite to my graduation. I'm just sort of feeling down.. I think I changed a lot since high school (for the better, mind you) - I'm more confident now, less insecure, I feel pretty most of the time, I'm more intelligent and mature. Most of my friends in high school were the shy/immature crowd and I do not relate with them now, so I can't get 'back together' with those people either. I also always got the impression that they were jealous of me or competitive with me, always asking to compare grades or if I was going to graduate school, etc. I didn't feel comfortable around them, and became upset when they would exclude me from invitations to social events, so I stopped inviting them places as well.

 

I just don't know.. I'm a fairly easy person to get along with, on the surface. I talk a lot in class, make myself known pretty quickly. Everybody 'knows' me for the most part through school, although I rarely have time to attend social events and meet people through sports and clubs. But no one really knows the 'real' me. The real me is quite deep and ambitious, and introvertive...

 

I also feel a bit bad as I see all the friends who write on my friends' walls on Facebook (or my sister's - although we are not Facebook friends anymore for this reason, mainly..) like "pretty girl, we have to get together for coffee/partying/"fill in the blank") and no one EVER invites me out anywhere for fun. If I go out to party, it's like I have to beg friends to come.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions? Is this really bad? Why can't I find a social group anymore...

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just part of life.... most people have lots of aqcunatncies thru out life... i heard somewhere if you have 2-3 true friends when youre older consider yourself lucky... i am 28 i have had at least 300 people in my life that i considered a friend at one point.. which lasted anywhere from 1month to 15years... today i have about 10 people i talk to on a regular basis.. and i can say maybe 3of those are true friends... some people are lucky and have 20-30 good friends.. but thats rare and even if one had it it would be hard to maintain a solid,quality rel.. just because of life. everybody is always busy in one way or another.. if you have 2-3 solid friends that are true and not friends because there getting something from you consider yourself lucky..

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Wow, thanks Bmwm.. you make me feel a bit better, even if your attitude is somewhat cynical (i.e. the last part "consider yourself lucky... if they're not just friends because they're getting something from you.") seems like you had a tough time with friends/people as well.. I can relate..

 

When I was running in an election last year... my campaign manager said all I really need is around 20-30 people to show for this as it wasn't that big, but it was during exam week so it would be tough. He asked if I had 20 friends I could bring, but assumed it was completely doable.. I said, umm yeah... so I mass e-mailed EVERYONE I knew... like only 10 people showed, and most of them only because we were part of the same political party or because they hated the guts of the other person running and didn't want them to win (or both)... I felt really bad when I lost though as it only came down to how many people you could bring out, and most of my "friends" didn't bother to show or even send me a 'good luck' e-mail... oh, and the girl who I thought was my best friend completely double-crossed me, said she didn't want me to run, and actually encouraged people to show up to vote AGAINST me.

 

That day effectively ended our friendship and I haven't spoken to her since... see what I mean about people being competitive or jealous with me??

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I feel you. Really, I do. I turn 24 at the end of this month, and I don't have much friends to speak of. My closer friends are on line, and live far away, so I only see them once in awhile. Not even once a month. Last year, I got really lonely and fell into a state of depression. I eventually found an awesome roommate, and we had a lot of similar interests and just had a lot of fun together. Well at the end of October, my landlord sold the condo, and we had to move. Unfortunately, he went and found his own place (all the while I was looking for a place for the both of us). I still talk to him and see him every so often, but not much. And my new roommate/landlord is a really nice guy, but we don't really have many common interests. I don't even get to see my boyfriend that often, usually just once a month (due to circumstances out of our control, and it's a really long story). So the loneliness has really been setting in for me. I dread the weekends because I end up sitting at home with nothing to do. I work full time, and my coworkers are older than me, married, have kids and families of their own. They're all at least twice my age. So, while we get along fine at work, it's not like we can do things together outside of work.

 

So I understand how you feel. Friends have always come and gone in my life. The only ones who stay are the ones who live far away and I only see every so often. I don't talk to any friends from high school anymore. My one close friend I had after high school, she moved to AZ 2 years ago. I've tried to meet new people, but they don't stick around either, or they just don't bother to really try to hang out with me. We all know the "mid-life crisis", well I think we're experiencing "quarter-life crisis". Lol.

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I understand and i am not trying to be cynical... but there are lots of people in this world and even on the forum.. that have zero friends.. go to work and come home thats it... only work friends.. so to have 3 true friends.. is a lucky or good thing a person can have... i havent had tough time with true friends.. thru out the years.. what has been tough as i meet people and me being busy.. knowing who to invest time into it.. my true friends i have lots of history with.. i have known them since 10, 11, 17... and the rst of my friends i meet from my age of 24-28.. but there no way frends like the other 3.. just because we have known eachother so long and been thru so much...

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I have to agree with BMW, there aren't going to be a lot of people in your life that you can call true friends. I myself have been really disappointed by people I thought were my friends, but they really didn't care. It hurts, it makes you feel lonely, but when you find those truly good friends, you hold onto them.

 

I think for me, from no on, I'm not going to count someone as a friend until they've shown they really deserve that title. Someone that is there for me, that really cares about me, and is willing to share part of their life, those are friends, people I talk to on a regular basis will be acquaintances, nothing more.

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Thanks Schala. Yeah, I don't even have a boyfriend...I generally don't date/don't find many men attractive, so that's a whole other story. But I live with a relatively nice girl in my apartment (I live in a shared apartment with 5 other girls) but she is in first year of university and I feel like I can't totally relate with her either. She's a bit immature, but someone who would probably be fun to party with. Unfortunately, she doesn't really invite me out with her friends... she probably thinks i'm a bit too nerdy or into school, or something... I dunno. But sometimes we will chat about fashion and modelling and such. The other girls with the exception of one are very closed/extremely shy and not my type at all... they're all Asian and won't speak with me because I'm not Asian. There is one Asian girl who is more friendly and nice, but she is always with her boyfriend or studying so... I don't see her often and when we do she doesn't seem to want to chat much..

 

I used to be friends with my old flatmates to some extent, but we lost touch and one I actually became sort of enemies with... one of them I still contact occasionally but she's sort of a party girl/immature as well, and I can't relate with her so much. hahah, actually, we too talk about modelling and that's really our only commonality (she's hoping to get into that..)

 

I don't know.. people like me because they think I'm smart, dedicated and friendly.. but for some reason I just don't 'click' with most people on a deeper level. I wouldn't mind having even superficial friendships though, just so I can get out and develop a social group and social life.. .

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Hello Lilly,

 

I've had my share of friendlesness for a lot of my life. And I've had my share of being on a very different wavelength to most others. It's a real shame when girls get competitive and jealous. I've probably been that way in the past, but I'm very conscious not to do it now, because I've seen how destructive that stuff is. If your a model then chances are many girls will think you don't need their kindness. It's sad but it happens.

 

If people are treating you with little warmth and friendliness, and it's stemming from jealousy and envy, and no doubt thinking you're invincible and don't have any need to be liked, then maybe it's time to put more emphasis on 1. putting people at ease

2. showing a bit of your vulnerability (but tread with caution).

 

I'm no model, nor am I an intimidatingly smart person, but I do give off an air of strength and confidence which I find wins me few friends, so I've had to make special efforts to be goofy, funny, and open about my 'flaws' and individual quirks (i.e. to show that I'm more than just a pretty/smart/impressive woman to be feared), to put people at ease with me, both men and women. And I haven't made any close friends this way, but I've definitely made a lot more people like me, which does lift my spirits. But there will always be girls who just don't have good intentions towards me, no matter how nice I am. I steer clear from those girls who have a tendency to like me less when they see my confidence. They're unhealthy to be around and I don't need them.

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yeah I definitely seem to eminate confidence, even if I don't necessarily have it, lol... at least in class situations. I speak articulately and usually know my stuff inside out... at one time a lot of people admired me because I seemed so friendly and I didn't know I was that smart. I was going through a type of 'identity' crisis at that point because I didn't know if I was smart or not due to having some trouble in school otherwise.. they thought I was like brilliant, etc. just because I usually ace the participation component. it was pretty cool. But ... we weren't friends necessarily, I just knew that they admired my verbal skills and skills in particular areas of philosophy and politics.

 

Anyway.. I don't know. I don't know what changed now... I wouldn't say I'm REALLY gorgeous, but I am pretty. I don't think my looks are intimidatingly pretty though... just regular 'pretty'. I think to be honest, some people get annoyed when I am really nice to them as well... I don't know why. I don't understand people, lol...men are SOO much better/easier to understand than women, but it's harder to be friends with them as they always seem to want to date me when we become close...

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Real friends take time and a LOT of patience. The ones who YOU stick with and who STICK with you are the ones worth keeping. In that sense, it's not a whole lot different than finding a significant other. And likewise, it's nearly as difficult to find. You have to be willing to vulnerable with them, and they have to be vulnerable with you - it develops trust and understanding. After awhile, you just know that you can always count on them, and they can always count on you, even if you don't hang out with them all the time. Don't count out guys too quickly just because they want to date you. I've become best friends with two women that I've wanted to date in the past. But they were patient with me and I was patient with them, and even though we're on opposite coasts now, we're like family - I still get invited every Thanksgiving and Christmas to their houses. This is after 16 years! (I'm in my thirties).

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Don't count out guys too quickly just because they want to date you. I've become best friends with two women that I've wanted to date in the past. But they were patient with me and I was patient with them, and even though we're on opposite coasts now, we're like family .

 

I'll second that point. I have a similar problem, except in my case, I have the problem of guys running from me because they think I want to date THEM. Same result, where the whole sexual possibility acts sabotages the possibility of friendship. In these situations, sometimes persistence, and as zeitgeist said, patience can be worth the effort. Once you've rejected a guy who is interested in you, it's your turn to be more forward in trying to build a friendship. If his ego and feelings and hopes are damaged, you have to be the strong one, and show him that you really like him, call him, invite him to hang out etc. I think a lot of hetero guys base whether a girl likes them or not on whether the girl wants to sleep with them. I remember a guy I knew who was very much always wanting to get a shag telling me that the best and most important thing about getting a shag was the fact that it confirmed that the girl liked him. So based on that one story, I'm wondering if maybe a lot of guys need a lot of convincing that you do infact like them even if not romantically.

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i am in a very similar situation. i literally have no friends whatsoever. irl or online. when i am sad i have no one to call, when im bored i have no one to go out with. all i have is my dad and my online boyfriend. and my boyfriend isnt giving me as much attention as he used to, so im lonelier now than ever. part of my issue is that i dont enjoy the things people my age enjoy. i dont like clubs and bars and things like that. i'm also very anti-social, and even when i try to socialize people ignore me or get away as fast as possible.

 

i'm considering therapy or even anti-depressants. maybe you should consider the same. im sorry that i dont have better advice, but maybe it is some comfort in itself to know that you are not alone. i'm 21 and in the same boat as you.

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I had trouble with friends getting to know the "real" me because I can be sort of depressive at times as well, and experienced anxiety issues... i.e. I was really obsessive about my weight, which made people draw away from me thinking I am too self-conscious and concerned about how many calories i'm eating, etc. it annoyed them. this happened most recently with my latest 'best' friend... I went on a diet and was complaining about being a size 6 and 5'10". She's also 5'10" and maybe size 10 and got really jealous/upset and said she has to take a "break" from me because she finds me too negative and it's affecting her studies or something... who knows. I think she's ultra ultra sensitive though, and many of my other friends who know her agree that she takes things personally a lot... but she was like my closest friend regardless so it sort of sucks. She said that she wants to take a "Break" from me until April when her school is done... I saw on her Facebook that she mentioned she's finishing school this week. But I don't want to contact her... this is the 2nd time she said she had to take a "break" from me (the other time was in the summer because I was very upset about a bad haircut and was really obessive about it..lol) and so i'm a bit upset at her retarded attitude about it myself. If she wants to contact me then that's her perogative. oh, well she was also a bit mad at me because I criticized some guy she liked who she met at a club with me... basically this guy was not good looking at all, and I thought she was too drunk to know. She asked for my opinion and I said that I didn't find him attractive. Then she got all offended and took it waaaay too harshly. She was also wearing something very inappropriate for the club we were going to, and she admitted herself it looked bad and asked if she should change, and I told her honestly, I'm not sure they'll let her into the club so maybe... I said I didn't think it was the greatest outfit. She then wrote me a long email about how I am not "respectful towards her feelings" and all this BS......anyway.. yeah.

 

I told my sister too and she said that although she can understand my friend's frustration, you can't just isolate people if they are rubbing off a bit of negativity. You'll get a lot of negativity/constructive criticism in the work force too and you can't just "time out" everytime you hear it. We both agreed she has to toughen up a bit. And this is my my sister who also got pissed off at me quite a bit for my 'weight-issues' and I had to take a 'break' from her as well... lol. We never agreed but just stopped speaking with each other for a bit... but now we're OK.

 

Anyway.. i don't know. it seems like the people i was good friends with have some issues of their own and it's causing some complications in our friendships... my other closest friends are actually in their 40s-50s... I tend to get along better with older people but as I like partying every now and then, it's not so condusive.. i'd like some friends my own age too...

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This pretty much hits the nail on the head for me. I don't like clubs or bars. I don't drink. Even my coworkers, who are all in their 50's, tell me I'm "too old" for my age, and I should be out partying or having fun. But I just don't like to do those things. I wouldn't say I'm antisocial, but just very introverted. I don't like big crowds of people or parties. I'd rather have a small group of friends around. And since my interests aren't exactly common, it's even harder to meet people.

 

And my boyfriend is more of an internet boyfriend than not, since I only get to see him once a month. And now he's coming online less...so I feel like he's slowly slipping away too. The most time we spend talking is via email while at work (even though I'm technically not supposed to). But after work and on the weeks, he just plays games with his brother a lot. He'll pop on and say hi, tell me he misses me, and then runs off to play games again. And sometimes, it's just frustrating and confusing for me.

 

I've been in and out of therapy, on and off meds, for depression and possible Bipolar disorder since I was like 14 or 15. I'm almost 24 now. And now I feel like I'm heading down that road once again. Though, I haven't experienced any "highs" like I used to last year. I feel pretty good sometimes, but other times I just feel really crappy. So I'm pretty much contemplating going back on meds. But meds isn't going to change the fact that I am lonely and wish I had more friends I could see. Friends that'd come over to hug me when I'm down. I think the problem is, I have really high standards of what a "good" friend is...and others don't seem to have such high standards. So I'm disappointed and let down over and over again, while I give all of myself into a friendship. So it's frustrating.

 

At least we have the internet to vent. Where would we be without it? Lol...

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I went on a diet and was complaining about being a size 6 and 5'10". She's also 5'10" and maybe size 10 and got really jealous/upset and said she has to take a "break" from me because she finds me too negative and it's affecting her studies or something... who knows. I think she's ultra ultra sensitive though, and many of my other friends who know her agree that she takes things personally a lot...

 

 

Lily, this would be offputting even IF the girl were your same size.

 

I often wondered why people who are not heavy will whine and complain about their weight in the presense of other women who are heavier. It appears they are not able to put another person's feelings above their own. She is not being oversensitive she was sick of hearing you gripe about being a size six when she was a size ten at your same height. I went on a diet once and was a size six but there is no way i would be so crass as to complain about my weight in front of my friend who is my height and was 30 lbs heavier. That would be hurtful and rude for her to have to hear it all the time.

 

I think that you realize you do off put people but you also at the same time backtrack evertyime you admit it, as in this case you went on to say at first you understand but then immediately "she is too sensitive and takes things to seriously".

 

Why not realize she was not being too sensitive and that you were really probably getting on her nerves?

 

You will have a tough time making friends until you can learn to try not to be so negative in the company of others. If i am remembering correctly this already cost you a good friend and has damaged your relationship with your sister. This will be your trend until you learn not to dump things on others.

 

Your weight for instance. If you want to diet, do it. But do not share it with eveyrone you see. here and there is fine but anyone would get irritated at some point hearing a person who is a size six complain about her weight. Or if she is pretty complaining all the time about her appearance.

 

I am sure that your friends would rather be around someone who may not be perfect but who is accepting of who they are.

 

Listen to yourself - would you want to befriend someone who said things like this about YOU? "break" from me (the other time was in the summer because I was very upset about a bad haircut and was really obessive about it..lol) and so i'm a bit upset at her retarded attitude about it myself.

I remember when you obsessed about the haircut and went so far as creating a thraed that you wanted to harm yourself over it - Lily not everyone can effectively stay in the presense of a person who gets this extreme. I think your friend senses that you don't take her feelings seriously when she shares them and it made her pull away.

 

The thing about dealing with negativity in the workplace as you pointed out is TOTALLY different than dealing with it out of a volunatry friendship. I am in your friend's camp - i do not want to spend my free time that is supposed to be relaxing with someone who is constantly obsessing about her life.

 

Lessons to be learned here, valuable ones, if you listen to the cues your friends give you vs saying their attitudes are "retarded".

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True enough, Jaded. I don't know what more to say to this, considering I have already said a lot about how I am trying to change my negativity. Although this girl is also overly sensitive and I'm not retracting that. She has OCD perhaps worse than me and will obsess about the stupidest details that aren't even offensive but she will turn them into being offensive. Thinking about it, with my critical attitude and her overly sensitive disposition, perhaps it's best we're not friends. I don't have to feel like I am on egg shells watching what I am saying around her to make sure it is 100% PC-friendly. She'll even get upset if I don't end phone conversations like "Yes, thank you for chatting. I had a nice time chatting with you/nice day. Please take care." If I just say "Ok, have to go, talk with you later" or something casual she'll freak out. She's very old-fashioned... so really, it's not just me but everyone else also says that she's very high-maintenance... I think that is why I mentioned that above. I realize that I can go overboard as well with my appearance, etc. but it's not always just me that's the problem.

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I've noticed what JS has noticed in your posts as well, Lily. This might sound insensitive, but I am not at all trying to be rude. You say you are confident and less insecure, but I notice that in a lot of your posts you are qualifying yourself to us. You say you need to lose weight and then make sure to tell us that you're only a size 6. A confident person doesn't drop information like this in the hopes of fishing for positive reinforcement.

 

I think you can be a quick judge of people sometimes, but I think this is because you are so used to harshly judging yourself that it seems natural to put everyone else through the same.

 

If you want true friends, you need to be able to truly love youself, and you need to be able to love them.

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I've noticed what JS has noticed in your posts as well, Lily. This might sound insensitive, but I am not at all trying to be rude. You say you are confident and less insecure, but I notice that in a lot of your posts you are qualifying yourself to us. You say you need to lose weight and then make sure to tell us that you're only a size 6. A confident person doesn't drop information like this in the hopes of fishing for positive reinforcement.

 

I think you can be a quick judge of people sometimes, but I think this is because you are so used to harshly judging yourself that it seems natural to put everyone else through the same.

 

If you want true friends, you need to be able to truly love youself, and you need to be able to love them.

 

I think you're right. I think I'm occasionally confused about myself... almost bipolar (I don't think I have bipolar disorder, mind you.) I just meant that I will vacillate between thinking "I'm totally ugly" and then thinking "I'm pretty" and if someone says i dont look good, I can get really down myself!! And it's probably due to low self-esteem.. but what's really odd is that usually I can hold onto some objective level of truth/reality... i.e. I know that I'm not totally fat and that I am OK. But then that sense of truth will get shaken at times... I dont know why. I actually asked my doctor if I was fat and should go on a diet, because I felt like I needed to hear that I wasn't...

 

I think it comes down to having a really bad childhood and always being ridiculed when I was young for being overweight and unpopular... (I was in a car accident when I was young and since i was on crutches and my family wasn't very nutritious, i gained a lot of weight). I was also very socially awkward as a youth,...

 

Even though I am past that stage now, and supposedly beautiful enough to model and thin, etc. I can get depressed very easily because I don't have a strong sense of self. But in school/work settings I think I eminate a strong sense of self... maybe that is why I have diffiuclty. People like me for my 'surface' self but when they find out the deeper/truer me, they don't like it as much because I am too negative... I don't know if this is necessarily true, but just a guess...to some extent I think it's true (i.e. the friend I mentioned above.) But others dont even care to see the deeper me or get to know me better... I guess we just don't have the right chemistry..

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I agree with JS. I lost a few friends when I was obsessed with my weight and dieting. Not only because I complained about it but because I was so obsessed with calories and food and portion control that I was in my own little world most of the time and when i wasn't I was so starving I couldn't concentrate. No fun.

 

I think things will improve for you as you continue to be more other-centered, less self-absorbed (and keep in mind being self-absorbed doesn't mean you are "deep" - if you tell yourself you are too "deep" for others you won't be as motivated to change as opposed to seeing it as a symptom of too much self-centeredness).

 

also be careful about subjecting others - whether subtly or directly - to your perfectionism.

 

It's all about establishing rapport with people and making them feel comfortable in their own skins when they're around you.

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Thanks. The last statement you made makes a lot of sense. I will aim to do that. I didn't mean, however, that I am too "deep" for people at all - I meant that when they see the deeper me, not just the person I am in school answering questions and generating discussion, and being happy on the outside, they don't seem to want to get to know me. I.e. they won't invite me out to be with their friends or do things or call me... so that is what I mean they're not making more of an effort to get to know me, even when I may invite them out myself.

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It depends how you are showing that side of you, when, in what context, what your point is in being "deep," etc. My hunch is you want to "show" people how "deep" you are as opposed to offering something of depth based on the issues at hand, or because you want to help the person in a selfless way. To me shared laughter over something silly can be far more deep - a deeper connection -- than stating something you believe is profound.

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thanks batya. by deeper me, i just mean the 'real' me... i.e. the title of this thread is I am starting to realize I have no "real" friends...i have friends i chat with about school work, and such, but to talk about fun things and joke about stuff... it's like i dont have people for that purpose. I guess a deeper sort of friendship...

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Hey,

I just PM'ed you back!

 

Also I just invited about 10-15 people to come out with me this Thursday to a party... already 2 said they can't come. So we'll see.. I predict maybe 1 person will be able to come if I'm lucky. But even if they don't come, it's my graduation party so WHATEVER. I'm going to go by myself if need be and just meet friends there and have fun!! HAHAHA. I dont really give a cr*p anymore... if people dont want to be friends, then so be it.

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