"At least she was honest with you" << [color=red]* [/color][color=red]* [/color][color=red]* [/color]??

This is about a phrase I hear on ENA often.

Broken-hearted: "We were together for years, now she's broken up with me, she says needs to find herself ...... (by sleeping around)"

ENA response: "At least she was being honest with you"

OR

Broken hearted: "He asked me to marry him, then changed his mind, now he's decided to get with some other woman two weeks after he broke up with me"

ENA response: "At least he was being honest with you"

This irks me big time. It is as if the broken-hearted is being asked to give *credit* to the dumper for being honest about his/her feelings, when usually the situation is that the dumper was a coward, ran away from problems, refused to work on them, took the easy option out and more often than not, jumped straight into someone else's bed.

I get the feeling, it's eyewash. Men and women try to find some good in what is after all, cruel and selfish behaviour (because they once did it themselves), thereby giving it some shred of respectability.

I think what people mean is at least they broke up the relationship and didn't cheat. Because cheating would be worse. They saw a problem and broke it off, instead of staying in the relationship and lying and cheating.

I doubt people say that in order to give credit to the dumpers.

People on ENA say it to make dumpees realize that it's better off that they know certain things NOW than LATER. Or, it's better than being strung along by the dumper.

The main point is this:

It could always be worse.

This irks me big time. It is as if the broken-hearted is being asked to give *credit* to the dumper for being honest about his/her feelings, when usually the situation is that the dumper was a coward, ran away from problems, refused to work on them, took the easy option out and more often than not, jumped straight into someone else's bed.

I think it has more today with being able to get the right information. Even if it hurts, it's important to know that it's time to abandon ship, instead of trying to keep on to something.

Sometimes people stay in a dead relationship as a safety net until a better opportunity arises. Meanwhile the unsuspecting partner has no idea how vulnerable they are, and continues to put effort into the relationship until they get dumped or discover an affair.

Having experienced that firsthand, I prefer to have someone be honest with me. It's far less cruel and manipulative to put the cards on the table. Yes, a dumper can be honorable.

No one has to stay with someone they don't love.

well, at least ENA-ers are being honest. usually in the posts, they do go into detail after.

I don't think it's about giving dumpers credit.

and, so what if the reason is they want to sleep with someone else or they are not in love with you anymore? would you rather they sugar coat it?

If you or I break up with someone because we don't love them, or we find something we don't like about it, should we not be honest about it?

People can't make themselves love just like that can't make themselves feel sexual toward someone else. You either do or you don't. You can read books, see a shrink, get hypnotized, go on a retreat and meditate, "work hard", or do whatever else you like, but it's not going to make you love someone.

Love is an elusive quality, and because it's so elusive and can also be so fleeting, we cherish it when we find it, and we cry and moan when it's gone. If it were not elusive, if you could find it on a whim, if one you did find it, you knew you'd never lose it then everyone would certainly take it for granted. You CANNOT cage and keep love like a trapped songbird. It doesn't work that way. If you cage someone's love then that songbird will stop singing.

If you lost love, then you need to feel grateful that you were lucky enough to find it in the first place. And, if you can remember back to when you were first feeling so in love, before your possessiveness killed it, you can perhaps love again. There are millions of people out there, starved for love, and yet you convince yourself that you need to love "this one", the one that doesn't even want your love. You can find love with someone else again if you let yourself.

That's not always true. I am open to finding love yet I rarely meet anybody who wants to date me. And if I do meet someone, they don't stick around.

As for the OP's concerns, I would rather someone tell me the truth, than string me along, but sometimes, I rather just not know. I dunno. It is a conundrum. All I can say is, I hate pain and would rather avoid that.

People on ENA say it to make dumpees realize that it's better off that they know certain things NOW than LATER. Or, it's better than being strung along by the dumper.

 

Exactly.....

That's not always true. I am open to finding love yet I rarely meet anybody who wants to date me. And if I do meet someone, they don't stick around.

 

As for the OP's concerns, I would rather someone tell me the truth, than string me along, but sometimes, I rather just not know. I dunno. It is a conundrum. All I can say is, I hate pain and would rather avoid that.

I was referring to someone who is stuck on their ex and won't move away from the idea that the ex is some super-human, magic, omniscient, omnipresent being from Goddess/God-ville. An irreplaceable, priceless work of art. We tend to overvalue people who have rejected us. Similarly, we can find ourselves glomming on to our partners in relationships when we sense them distancing themselves from us.

If more people recognized this phenomenon then it will help them to move beyond it.

As to what you've just mentioned, I really can't say a lot about that since I don't know you.