Hey my friends
Last night and today morning I was feeling really sad. Some of you might have read my post about facing my fears and finally, after one and a half year, face my ex at the bar where she is.
I wrote about feeling ashamed for feeling this way after so long, I wrote about being a burden to my friends. I was feeling really sad and I almost felt like crying. Something I never tought I would ever do again after all this time, at least because of this girl.
That's when suddenly I started to talk with a co-worker, a really good looking blonde girl, divorced. We started to talk about movies and during this conversation I had the gut instinct that she was silently shouting to me: "Come on dumb ass, ask me out to the movies!".
This was just my gut telling me this so maybe I was wrong. I didn't made any move and now I'm gently beating myself up.
Anyway, this feeling was like a magical pill. I know I'm a guy who lacks self-esteem and self-confidence around girls, sometimes I think I'm just a hopeless case and I always need to feel the approval of others. I've been working on this for the last year and in spite of all the improvements I was able to achieve, sometimes I set back a few steps.
But maybe this need for approval is just a genuine and deserved desire to be loved.
This simple gut feeling was an instant fix for my sadness. But this emptyness inside is still there, it has been there for so many years that I'm already used to it, it's just part of me. This made me a cold guy, someone who has a lot of difficulties in showing true feelings but when I find someone I can trust and who trust me I become the best lover you can meet, the most caring and attentive guy. That's my real me!!! I'm just too demanding about who deserves to see it. And when people disapoint me I cannot find a balance point. I just cut them from my life. That's the way I am but I suffer a lot when I do that.
I saw a quote here a few days ago. It was by Marilin Monroe and it says: ""I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
I couldn't believe. That's me, that's how I see things too. This was a really empowering quote. I think I will keep it in a piece of paper, put it in my pocket and give it to my ex if she tries to speak to me when we meet again.
No, I don't want to do that, I was joking. But that's something I would love to do if I could find the courage.
No, I don't want to do it because I'm not over her yet but, most important, because it would make me suffer even more than I'm today.
This post might be confusing, it certainly is. Thoughts were coming and I was writting them and I really don't want to revise the text. This is just venting.
Today, and just for today, I decided to keep NC. Tomorrow is a new day.