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Thread: Dealing with conflict between my spouse and my family

  1. #1
    christi_g
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    Dealing with conflict between my spouse and my family

    I'm searching for advice on what to do about my feelings stemming from a family "blow-out" between my husband and my mother, father, and sister. During my daughters 4th b-day party and my nephews 2nd, at my parents house, my sister, who is normally very quiet, vent her frustrations onto my husband. Up to this point, everyone has played well together.

    My daughter was not listening...as usual...and my husband called her a "brat". This set my sister off and she proceeded to make the comment all about her son and that my daughter was not a brat and her son could do anything he wanted and we should be thankful.

    My husband asked her if she was done, if she felt better, and that she seemed to have alot of things pent up.

    My father chimmed in and said that it was not right that to say those things about their grandaughter.

    It went down hill from there. My husband removed himself from the table and we had to leave.

    As a result, my daughter and I are caught in the middle. I travel 2 hours to let my parents see my child and we had to exchange christmas gifts in a mall parking lot in the freezing snow. Either party has apologized or spoken to one another.

    What do I do...I'm so angry at my sister for turning the whole thing into something about her son...when it had nothing to do with him. I also feel very sympathetic towards what she goes through everyday. I would be terrified if my child had epilepsy. My husband is not willing to compromise until he gets an apology from her or my parents.

    Do I continue to let my child visit my sister and parents?

    Any advice would be helpful

    Suffering from a huge headache,
    Christi

  2. #2
    juicey
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    Well, it seems to me that there is something missing here. If your sister is normally reserved, I'm surprised that this came out of nowhere.

    Is your daughter biologically your husbands?

    At the least, both parties need to apologize. It seems your husband was quite patronizing as well.

  3. #3
    jengh
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    I think that by not letting your parents and sister see your daughter, it would be also punishing her, which in my opinion isn't right.
    Is your daughter your husband's too or is she a step-child to him?
    I do think that your family overreacted but to hold a child over their head as leverage is unfair.

  4. #4
    christi_g
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    She is my husbands and my child. So far, my daughter doesn't know any difference...and I want to keep it that way. I want my child to have a relationship with her relatives.

    What about me though...things are still pretty raw and I've shifted from the shock stage and into the anger stage about the whole incident. I'm angry that I've been put into the position where my daughter and I have to make the sacrifices when we didn't do anything. So far, I've been the bigger person, but I feel like I'm betraying my husband when I talk with my family.

    I will continue to let my family spend time with my daughter. We live 140 miles apart, so the visits are usually once a month. But, it's always me who has to do the traveling, because my husband does not want my family in our home...even when he's not home.

    I'm comtemplating just meeting my parents at a drop off place and letting my daughter stay overnight with them once a month. My thoughts are, give myself some breathing room away from the family for a while, so I can sort my anger out.

    Any thoughts?

  5. #5
    christi_g
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    She is biologically our child. The thing with my sister has been mind boggling to me as well. She is generally reserved and her comments came out of no where. My husband was a bit patronizing toward her...to his defense...he says he felt attacked by five of my family members all at once.

    It does not seem that either party is going to apologize any time soon. Should I prompt them to talk things over?

  6. #6
    juicey
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    christi,

    If your sisters comments are shocking to you coming from a rather reserved woman, I'd say pay attention to them. Quiet people that are provoked into saying something usually have something worth while to say. Additionally, if five family members are saying the same thing....it should be making you think here.

    Your husband sounds controlling. If he is not home, why can't your relatives visit you and your daughter? HE is the one who has the problem with them, not you. HE should not be cutting you off from your family.

    Quite honestly, the situation sounds like something that has been brewing for a long time. Has your husband made comments before? Maybe you don't notice because you are his wife and tend to brush off anything negative he does or says.

  7. #7
    christi_g
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    Juicy,

    Thank you for the comments. Having a different perspective really helps. The issues have been brewing for a long time on both sides.

    Christi

  8. #8
    southerngirl
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    Even if he is mad at them and he might have good reason, I do not think you should allow him to drive them out of your life.

    You should keep contact with them, and invite them into your home.

    If he doesnt like it he can always go sit and hide in the bedroom.

  9.  

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