Causes of Love-Shyness

A week or two ago I followed a link from this forum to a 'love-shy' website, as well as the Wikipedia 'Love-Shy' page. The scary thing is, the descriptions of what characterises a 'Love-Shy' guy are largely what characterises me!

Things such as:

- Aspergers: I have long wondered whether I may have some form of Aspergers. As a kid, would I often would 'tune out' of the real world and jot down random ideas / stories / wacky inventions down in notebooks. These days I think my wacky thinking manifests itself more in music composition.

- Anxiety: The way I feel in matters concerning approaching girls whom I am interested in exactly matches the description of what anxiety is. (debilitating high uncontrollable stress / rapid heartbeat, loss of appetite, sometimes mild nausea).

- Nasal Polyps: I have no idea what this has to do with being love-shy, but even when I don't have a cold, at the best of times my nose usually feels slightly blocked / congested. Probably the wrong forum, but can somebody *please* explain to me how the hell this can/does attribute to love-shyness!

I've generally always been a 'lonerish' kind of guy - Except at the same time I have always had a strong close circle of friends my whole life. I can sometimes be quite introverted, and other times a complete extrovert and silly center-of-attention guy who likes to make people laugh, depending on how I feel.

It's probably more that I typically don't mind my own company, it gives me time to unwind and focus on my interests and gather my thoughts about things. But I also like the company of friends, family, workmates, busy places, (and love interests) from time to time.

Anyone else here feel they are 'Love-Shy', yet can at times be social and outgoing also?

And what is with that Nasal Polyp connection to Love-shyness?? I don't get it, but it sounds like it might concern me...

I think you're just introverted. There's nothing wrong with that. Most people get nervous when they are talking to somebody from the opposite sex whom they find attractive. Some are better at hiding it than others, that's all.

Nasal polyps have nothing to do with your personality. Sounds like urban legend or a practical joke.

Be careful what you find on Wikipedia, it's not always accurate.

I checked out that Wiki article and it's riddled with inaccuracies. You'll note the tags at the top of the page that say that the article is heavily disputed- whenever you see that you should probably look elsewhere for information.

I think I can be a pretty shy guy, but something I've come to realize is that I only really clam up like that around other guys. I'm usually more comfortable being myself around girls, and I suppose being that I'm not gay, that that's a good thing. But, I think my thing is, I've had a lot of trouble, specifically in high school, with guys; guys were always putting me down for stupid reasons, and I just had a hard time fitting in and making friends with a lot of them because of that. Whereas, I knew quite a few girls in school, and I had very little trouble being myself around them, they didn't seem as judgemental as the guys.

There WERE two problems with that, though; for one, with the girls I was friendly with, I was never really attracted to them, for anything more than friendship. So, I'm not 100% sure that I'd be more open to a girl if I really had feelings for her; I like to think I would though. Anyway, problem #2 for me was that, even though I was friendlier with girls, I tried to keep my interactions with them limited, because there was always the stereotype (at least at my school) that if a guy hangs around with girls instead of other guys, he must be gay.

So, I dunno. Like I said, I'm not too worried about not being open enough to find a girlfriend, but I suppose I need to work on my confidence level around other guys, so I can have some guy friends.

Well I can get quite comfortable around a Girl I am interested in / have feelings for if we are around each other a lot, like being around each other at least a couple of days a week. It is just that expressing of deeper feelings part I have problems getting over.

Pianoguy: As for Wikipedia, maybe they need another sympom for Love-Shy people... Gullible when it comes to reading 'facts' on websites. lol

I believe your are referring to the work of Brian C. Gilmartin. See more here: link removed

Frankly, I think the love-shy term is load of BS. What he describes as a condition rather seems to be a mix of various symptoms (and causes). As for the possible nasal-polyp connection I don't know. But it seems that Gilmartin is also looking into astrologial & reincarnation explanations... so the scientific value of his work is probably a bit dubious (I am gentle here).

Well I consider myself an 'open-minded' skeptic. I am willing to keep an open mind about a select few things, like maybe the possibility of other life out there.

But Reincarnation? Astrology? Get outa heere!

And what is with that Nasal Polyp connection to Love-shyness?? I don't get it, but it sounds like it might concern me...

Okay this is a complete guess by me and based on no real evidence...

But I think that nasal polyp happens to people with allergies (especially people with year-round allergies). So there's a sense of grogginess and fogginess. This makes someone more hesitant about his/her surroundings and less confident in general around people...leading to more shyness.

Just my guess. I have slight allergies year around, not enough for nasal polyps, but enough to feel groggy and foggy...and I'm less social and more hesitant about myself and less confident in my response to my environment during those times.

I think Gilmartin's work is interesting and it is definitely food for thought..it is like anything else however...even the more scientific studies...has to be taken with a grain of salt because it is not a one size fits all scenario. Scientific studies are one day all over the news and the next day slammed as inaccurate. You can't take all information as the gospel truth...but you can learn from information that is out there and see if it is relevant to your own situation. I would say that even the DSM for psychiatric disorders should not be taken as the gospel truth because it fits people into neat little boxes...people are more complex than that.

I think the nasal polyp has something to do with sounding like a nerd, I experience it and sometimes I don't like hearing myself speak...

I dont think others think thats it a big deal, but self consciously, I feel like it is

I'm vaguely familiar with "love-shyness". Although their's probably alot of holes in the whole theory, one thing I remember from it is probably spot on. And that's the fact that males that are extremely "love-shy" probably have it the absolute worst in the dating game. "love-shy" straight women, gay men, and lesbian women, often will still be able to attract someone to ask them out on a date so that they don't have to go through the stress of asking. However, "love-shy" males are unlikely to be asked out by any women since it's a pretty rare occurrence that women do the asking to this day, and when they do do the asking they're more likely to be asking out someone that already is at least somewhat confident in there own skin (i.e not love-shy males).

I honestly do believe that everyone can overcome shyness enough to date though so even if there is such a thing as love-shyness and you have it, it doesn't mean you will never be able to score a date, it just means that you have to rise above it. Don't be too proud to ask for help either.

In this day and age women do indeed ask men out..but if they asked out a love-shy man, he would likely get flustered and refuse because he just can't deal with the whole thing.

But I think that nasal polyp happens to people with allergies (especially people with year-round allergies). So there's a sense of grogginess and fogginess. This makes someone more hesitant about his/her surroundings and less confident in general around people...leading to more shyness.

This sounds feasible... I was thinking something along these lines could perhaps be the case. I guess when I think about it, I do always feel a bit constricted when it comes to breathing through my nose.

Maybe not being able to breathe to 100% of how you should be actually should can lead to some anxiety in itself? Kinda like that claustrophobic feeling of breathing through a snorkel, but not as severe.

Gilmartin's theories are far too vague and he generalizes without solid scientific evidence.He doesn't really offer any concrete solutions to the problems associated with ''love-shyness''. I don't think it is helpful for shy guys to think they are plagued with a disorder.Every shy guy has to find his own way.

Love-shy is somebody who isn't even able to talk to the opposite sex...

Love-shy is somebody who would rape women in order to have sex, most serial killers and sex-related murderers are/were love-shy...

It's a serious disease, man... Don't play with such things in hope to find an excuse for doing nothing in order to meet girls!!!

Love-shy is somebody who isn't even able to talk to the opposite sex...

 

Love-shy is somebody who would rape women in order to have sex, most serial killers and sex-related murderers are/were love-shy...

 

It's a serious disease, man... Don't play with such things in hope to find an excuse for doing nothing in order to meet girls!!!

I never knew 'Love-Shy' to be an official medical condition exclusively related just to psycho killers as you would imply! I just assumed it to be a general term that can be attributed to people of varying levels of excessive unwanted shyness / awkwardness socially, especially with the opposite sex.

How do you describe anybody, guy or girl, who desires love but doesn't succeed with it due to being too shy/scared to do anything? Love-Shy, that's how.

That said, I do acknowledge that as unlucky in love as I have been, there are perhaps people even unluckier than me in that they truly cannot talk / flirt or get any attention / interest their way at all... At least what they know of anyway. Who knows who may be your secret admirer out there...

I guess my point with this post was to explain how I feel that I could have easily just become a less outgoing guy than I am if I gave up long ago, and if I didn't have the good friends in my life that I do. I like to be social and all but for more naturally introverted people like me it can sometimes take a lot more effort.

Love-shy is somebody who would rape women in order to have sex, most serial killers and sex-related murderers are/were love-shy...

 

It's a serious disease, man... Don't play with such things in hope to find an excuse for doing nothing in order to meet girls!!!

Do you have anything at all to back up your claim that most serial killers and sex-related murderers are/were love-shy? I fail to see how rape has anything with having problems with romantic relationships to do (more like something to do with power). To be honest, I found your comments to be pretty outrageous.

Secondly, it is not a disease. It's a condition that might (or might not) be related to certain mental disorders (specific social anxiety comes to my mind, as an obvious example).

Love-shyness, as much as I've read & seen is not just the problem where somebody is too shy to express his feelings and all that, it was quite a serious thing and the result of a lot of factors in the childhood, etc...

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's still no excuse for doing nothing in order to improve yourself...

Huh?!?!?!?

Love-shyness, as much as I've read & seen is not just the problem where somebody is too shy to express his feelings and all that, it was quite a serious thing and the result of a lot of factors in the childhood, etc...

 

I understand love-shyness this way: (Gilmartins definition taken from Wikipedia)

"love-shy people find it difficult to be assertive in informal situations involving potential romantic or sexual partners."

So for me it's about not being able to express feelings and needs with potential romantic and sexual partners.

While failure to create close intimate relationships with women can certainly be serious (in the way that it can have a detriemental effect on life quality), I still fail to see the link to rapists, serial killers etc. While I don't doubt that many of these people have disturbed relationships to other people, I think lack of empathy (f.ex. in the case of antisocial personality disorder) is a more plausible explanation rather than love-shyness.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's still no excuse for doing nothing in order to improve yourself...

You are right about that. No matter if it's a disease or a condition you need to take responsibility yourself. My point is just that love-shyness is NOT a disease in itself (it might be the result of a mental disorder).

I have a hard time accepting the idea that ''love-shyness'' is a genetic disorder.Many of the ideas that Gilmartin proposes are the result of men experiencing absolutely terrible environmental conditions such as bullying.It is very likely that most men would become terribly shy and suffer from low self esteem if they had to experience bullying or if there social networks were almost nill.

I have a hard time accepting the idea that ''love-shyness'' is a genetic disorder.Many of the ideas that Gilmartin proposes are the result of men experiencing absolutely terrible environmental conditions such as bullying.It is very likely that most men would become terribly shy and suffer from low self esteem if they had to experience bullying or if there social networks were almost nill.

Since high-school I've discovered that all stuff about genetics has been invented to make people lazy & coward, for example, if you have no will to put any effort in getting what you want, many will tell that "those are my genes" and spend the rest of their life on a sofa...

Bullying - I know people who got bullied in school and are now widely respected, hard working & powerful...

I have an allegory or two for Love-Shyness, if allegory is even the right word.

For Love-Shy people (at least for me), it's fear of the unknown, with the lack of experience or first-hand knowledge of how to deal with situations.

Let me compare this to a Subway restaurant. Yeah that's right, I am comparing love to a health fast food joint...

For years, I never went into a Subway, simply because I was like "What do they sell in there? Subs? What kinds? I don't know what / how to order! Stuff it, I'll go over to KFC or McDonalds instead."

Then about 5 years ago I finally started going in there with friends, and I look back now wondering why I waited all that time to go in one.

Same with Roulette at the Casino (Whenever I go once every few months or so). I was overwhelmed by the game when I first saw it being played and felt out of my league, but now it's as natural and comfortable to play as is making a cup of coffee in the kitchen.

Sorry to compare love to such unromantic things such as Subway and Roulettes, but for me it's that same unknown apprehension of what I haven't experienced...

Multiplied by 1000.

There's some sense to that...you can't miss what you haven't experienced.

But I also think it has to do with more than just fear of the unknown or reluctance to try new things/changes. I think it also has to do with the fear of being judged. It's similar to the fear of rejection, but goes even beyond that because the fear of being judged can exist even if the girl doesn't reject you. But in your mind you keep thinking, she'll eventually find something wrong with me so why bother or she's not going to be able to appreciate me for who I really am so why bother.

Yes, no?

Edit: I mean the general "you" and not anyone in particular.

Since high-school I've discovered that all stuff about genetics has been invented to make people lazy & coward, for example, if you have no will to put any effort in getting what you want, many will tell that "those are my genes" and spend the rest of their life on a sofa...

 

Bullying - I know people who got bullied in school and are now widely respected, hard working & powerful...