He's in a relationship, should I tell I him I've liked him for years???

Alright..here's the dilemma...I've had a crush on this guy since we were in college together...5 years ago. We always vibed, but it stayed strictly platonic, I'm not sure why... Well I had a bf the last few years of college, who was a complete jerk, but I always had a crush on this guy.

Come to find out, a couple years post college, we caught up, and found out that we both had started dating other ppl from the same class we shared...pretty ironic huh...then sometime after that, he was single, and I was in another relationship(the one that drove me here, due the breakup last May).

Here's the catch...he's been in a relationship for the last 2 years as well, but we've still kept in contact. He's doing the long distance thing with his gf, but man...I still have a crush on him in a big way.

My question is...it's becoming even more difficult for me to be just that "friend" to him...I want to tell him that I've had a crush on him since college..and just kind of float away...leave him to do with that information what he will...but at least I'm honest about it, and it's out in the open.

Or is that not fair to him...disrespectful to his gf and their relationship????

I think its disrespectful, certain things at certain times are better left unsaid.

Picture yourself as the gf, how would you feel about it if you were to find out??

It would cause really unnecessary upheaval purely because you want to *get it out in the open*

Unfair imo, and thats not the only reason you'd do it, it'd be in hopes of him bailing on his current gf into your arms, or atleast to start something with you, right? and you'd *float away* in hopes of making him go *hmmm, oooh, really?* and float right after you. We all would want that.

I think if you really can't be friends with him due to your feelings then I suggest backing off slightly

I understand that he's been a crush for ages, it sucks but eventually change may happen anyway, I would'nt be able to throw a spanner in his life right now, it'd be different if he did it.

Shortly, NO! Don't do any breaking up. I predict you will regret it. You seem too flip/floppy for a relationship with him anyway, as if you kinda have alway wanted him, but not really. The 'not really' is the part you should listen to!

Savannah

Some things in life are just better left unsaid. If you did tell him, you'd put him in a very awkward position and you'd be disrespecting his girlfriend and his relationship with her. However, if you must tell him to release your bottled feelings then be prepared that he may not take it lightly as you would have hoped. He may even become cold or distant because now you put a rift in your friendship and you could potentially lose him as a friend.

I think it's best that you keep quiet for the time being. When the opportunity does come knocking later on then you can grab it.

if you had a boyfriend and some girl told him she liked him im sure you wouldnt like it. dont do it.

if he ever becomes single or tell you he likes you, then feel free to tell him. but for now, no.

Thanks for the responses, everyone

Admittedly, I do thing it is disrespectful to the gf and the relationship as a whole, but I'm also one who says don't keep things inside. I've seen where that can cause damage later when you do decide to disclose it, and the other person is like.."why didn't you ever tell me sooner?" kinda thing.

Truthfully, I've always wanted him, just my circumstances never prohibited me(dating someone else) or out of just plain fear of rejection. I remember asking all of my friends years ago, and my mother...what I should do..should I make an advance or what...but I guess you could say this was the one guy, I could never work up the nerve to act upon...strange, cause I usually don't have a problem in this area.

I understand everyone's view though...thanks again..I guess I have to stay mum for another 5 yrs or so.. sigh.

i know how frustrating it is, it happened to me with a guy. him seeing someone else was torture, i was dying to tell him how i felt. but eventually they split up and i didnt even need to tell him, he asked me out anyway. sooo, if its meant to be it will... just be patient!

You know, actually, when the idea is presented, that if the shoe was on the other foot, and some friend told my bf that she liked him, etc...of course I wouldn't LIKE it...but it would totally be my bf's decision to decide what he wanted to do...it would actually test his love for me, I guess.

I don't know the gf, and I'm sure she may only know me by name, and truthfully, I doubt my friend would even disclose that to her...I wouldn't care tbh.

Either he liked me back, or he would choose to stay with the gf...One side of me like, on with it already, tomorrow is never promised right? I'd respect his decision either way if I were to ever tell him and he still be involved...

Put it this way...nothing could hurt me or devastate me anymore then what I went through this past year during my break up...I'm of hte mindset lately that you have to be true to you at hte end of hte day.

Asking here is a proof that you know that you shouldn't do it.

And your defenses of the behaviour are pretty weak.

Being true to yourself is fine, but at the cost of other people? No, I don't think so.

Some things are just better left unsaid.

It seems you're more obsess about him than you do love him. I applaud you for wanting to be true to yourself but being true to yourself is also having to sleep soundly at night knowing that you didn't disrupt someone else's relationship.

why didn't you ever tell me sooner?

If it came to this then you can respectably say "you had a girlfriend."

I am with the others on this...don't do it. You are really grasping at straws trying to justify behaviour that you know is wrong. If a person is involved with someone then it is hands off and no declarations...you keep your feelings to yourself. No, it is not healthy to smother feelings...that is why you write about it here, or you talk to a counsellor or to your friends. Nobody should say everything they are thinking just for self-gratification without looking at the long-term consequences to other parties. If you do tell him, then it would be a very selfish and cruel thing to do because he has a girlfriend.

Thanks all...everyone is right in the grand scheme of things...I don't wnat to be a "homewrecker" so to speak...I guess I should have acted on those chances in college instead of being a wuss...patience was never one of my stronger suits...

But I'm working on it....I'm gonna try to limit our contact(which isnt much as it is now) because it's so difficult for me..this REALLY sux..

Sabreen, you'll have your day in the sun. Maybe your sun may not even be him. But one thing I know for sure is that you have a lot of love to give. If he deserved your love, he would have been with you already.

We always vibed, but it stayed strictly platonic, I'm not sure why...

Since once upon a time you both were single and he didn't act on it I say leave it.

Oh, and they say far from the eyes, far from the heart (Well..not sure how you guys say it - I made direct translation from Cro here) - meaning if he was really into you he would dump his LDR without any trouble long time ago (he had 2 years to do it, right?)

Please don't use the excuse "I just like to get things out in the open" as justification to put someone else in an awkward position and potentially hurt someone else. If you have bottled up feelings that are inappropriate or selfish to share with the person, that's what friends, journals, therapists, your cat, whatever are for - to paint the picture of "I'm just SUCH an open person" is rationalizing away thoughtless behavior.

A friend of mine was on the other end of this situation - a classmate of hers who had had a crush on her for years (she was in her late 20s, he was in his 30s) just "had to confess" how much he loved her. She realized then that she felt the same. She was single, he was married with a child. She decided that he would be her "first" after which he and his wife conceived another child. Turned into two years of h__ll for her. She wasn't blameless of course - it takes two - but if he hadn't "confessed" she would have never gotten involved.

My bf has received a few calls/e-mails from someone he dated years ago who was trying to feel things out -- my impression of her was that she was pathetic not "open."

Just hold out and perhaps he and this woman will end things and then you can tell him exactly how you feel. Otherwise, at least respect karma.

No, you shouldn't say anything.

It would ruin your friendship. It would put him in an awkward situation, and for what? Chances are slim he'd break up with his girlfriend for you...and if he did, wouldn't that make you feel bad? I know I'd feel awful. If he was single I'd say go for it..but he's not, so leave it alone. There are plenty of single guys out there...

here's another vote for no. like siriana said - there was a time when you both were single, and he didn't go for it. i wouldn't do it, like the others said, chances are it would make things awkward, and not that he would break up with his gf for you. on the other hand, if they break up, i would totally ask him out.

I have a slightly different take on this. I did the thing that you're thinking of doing with my current boyfriend...and I could not be happier. We are meant for each other in ways that I never was with anyone else. He is my best friend and my lover (to be cliche)...and I knew that he would be so great because I had known him for a while as a friend, had seen him in other relationships, and knew he was my ideal. In fact, I often expressed to him that I wish I could have a boyfriend that was like him, because he was so good to his girlfriend--who was,in turn, apparently not so good to him. When I told him how I felt, I was in a bad long-term relationship. He was in a long-term relationship as well, which seemed to be good, but the facade that he had built around it cracked occasionally. He, like me, was always the sort to work very hard in the relationship, while she was controlling, wouldn't let him go out with friends, etc., and he was questioning if he really wanted to be with her in the long run. (btw, at the time that I told him, he and this girl were doing the long-distance college relationship thing too.)

When I told him that I liked him, it didn't mean that he had to give up his girl or anything (which I suspect is the same case as the OP). I told him just to tell him, and because I had faith that our friendship was good enough to survive even if he didn't like me back. He did happen to feel attracted to me--very much so. I personally told him that I didn't want to ruin his life, I just wanted to get it off my chest, and if he was happy with his girlfriend, then I really wouldn't want to mess things up for him. I did really care for him as a friend and his happiness was important to me. What I did was--I believe--true to myself, and if it appears selfish, I'm sorry. I don't think it is. I didn't make him break up with his girlfriend for me--he did that himself. I didn't push myself on him, and he never cheated on her--he made sure to break it off with her before he even so much as kissed me.

In short--not all long-term relationships are serious, and if you guys could work out the way that my boyfriend and I do, then I think it's worth the chance. Looking back, I would do it all over again--and sooner, too! lol. I would give up any relationship that I've had in the past for the sort of relationship that I have with my boyfriend.

The only thing I would be concerned with is whether or not, after 5 years, you are stuck in the friend zone. Either way, I don't see the harm in just telling him. If he doesn't feel the same way, it won't do anything, as long as he is a mature adult and can deal with the idea of someone close to him feeling attracted to him. In this case, the girlfriend won't be hurt at all. If he does feel the same way, it could turn out to be something really great. Who knows? I think it's worth the shot. Only you know the kind of guy he is,how he'll react, what his morals are, whether he'll try to get with you on the side, whether he'll be really upset by it, etc.. Whatever happens, don't make him cheat on his girlfriend, and if he is attracted to you, make sure he breaks things off with her before he goes on with you, if he chooses to do so.

All I hear in this post is "me, me, me, I, I, I". You are right, it is very selfish and it is interesting that you justify your actions by saying that his girlfriend was a witch and not right for him and that you didn't actually do anything to break them up, it was his decision. Perhaps one day you and this gem of a boyfriend will be going through a rough patch and some classmate who always had her eye on him will take advantage of that situation to tell him how she feels about him...and then...to make herself appear noble and moral, she will quickly add that she has no intentions of breaking you up, she just thought he should be aware of her feelings. This way, if you and him broke up, she could tell herself how noble she behaved and how wonderfully it all worked out. I mean, why should she even care aobut you when she doesn't know you...who cares if you are on the floor bawling your eyes out...she didn't do anything more than to plant a seed. If your friends know about this, if I were them, I would keep their boyfriends far away from you.

Thanks all...everyone is right in the grand scheme of things...I don't wnat to be a "homewrecker" so to speak...I guess I should have acted on those chances in college instead of being a wuss...patience was never one of my stronger suits...

 

But I'm working on it....I'm gonna try to limit our contact(which isnt much as it is now) because it's so difficult for me..this REALLY sux..

I agree with your plan to keep the lid on, and distance enough so that you feel comfortable and "real".

Trying to be friends with someone while feeling and wanting more can be as much of a game as out and out making a proclamation of your romantic feelings.

My answer was "No" too.

Mostly because of selfish reasons perhaps: That the proclamation really is cheapened in my opinion when it is done with the other person already involved in a relationship.

This is only opinion but I see it as "wussy". lol. Not making a move earlier - I don't see that as wussy so much as cautious.

But waiting until the person is in a position where if he declines, you can rationalize that "he's a good guy, not dumping his gf for me" - that makes the whole thing meaningless.

And if he were to say YES, and return the feelings, the bind for me would be wondering "If he listened to me while in a relationship and actually considered it; well won't he be the sort who may do this to me later while in a relationship" would make the situation a No Possible Way to win anyways situation.

If he ever becomes available, you can ask him out. And you can do it knowing you aren't doing it behind this guise and that if he says no, then at least you asked appropriately and now have a REAL answer to your wonderings.

Haha, I'm in sort of a similar situation, except I'm a guy that likes a girl who has a boyfriend. It's a pretty long story (if you're willing to do lots of reading, you can hear the whole thing in my post on the Finding Love and Soulmate board), but to sum it up, I had this HUGE crush on this girl I went to grade school with, she transferred out after six years,

I haven't seen her for about seven years, and now I found her online, on MySpace. I've recently got in contact with her, and we seem to be hitting it off thus far, but again, she's currently in a relationship; since I don't know her personally though, I don't know the dynamic of her relationship... It seems to be more than just some casual thing, but honestly, I don't think they'll be together forever, simply because she's 18 (me and her boyfriend are 19), and people our age are rarely preparing to settle down with some one.

Now, to relate to the topic at hand, I REALLY want to confess my feelings to her at some point, but I'm definitely keeping a lid on that until she's out of this relationship she's in now. It's really hard to know that at this point, I can only be friends with her, and it's also tough to see her MySpace pictures with this guy, and just thinking about them being together... But, I'm trying my hardest to suck it up, because I'd rather be friends with her than be nothing at all. My biggest fear at this point is being a potential "rebound" guy for her if/ when her current relationship ends... I've never really dealt with a woman who had just been through a breakup, so I don't know how long it generally takes to heal; and even then, I don't know the dynamic of the relationship, so that makes it even harder to guess. I'd like to be able to step up and have a chance with her, but I don't want to turn into a rebound guy, and at the same time, if I were to wait too long to present the idea, some one else could ask her out, and I'd be back at square one... Ah well, I guess it's not worth thinking about right now.

Oh; and I wanted to ask something to the people who are saying it'd be wrong, just out of curiosity. My question is, is there ANY situation that would make it alright? Let me use an example; has anyone ever watched the show, The Office? At the end of (I think it was) season two, was Jim in the wrong for doing what he did? For those who haven't seen it, let me try and explain the situation. First you have Jim, a nice guy who works in the office; he was really good friends with the receptionist (Pam), and it became clear very early on to the TV audience that Jim was completely in love with Pam. Problem was, Pam was engaged to this guy that was totally wrong for her (his name was Roy), so Jim obviously did nothing to come between the two. Towards the end of season two, Roy had finally set a date for the wedding with Pam, and Jim was offered a promotion that required him to move out of state and leave the office. Jim was torn between the promotion, and the girl he loved but couldn't have. So, he made a last ditch effort, and finally confessed his feelings to Pam; she was obviously shocked and confused, and shot him down on instinct, so he took the promotion and moved away. Of course, what happens in the next two seasons isn't that relevent to the point I'm making, but still; and I know it's kind of silly to try to use a fictional TV show in a discussion like this, but I'm just talking about the situation. Was what Jim did really that horrible? Is there ANY situation that makes it alright?

I didn't say that she was a witch, and I didn't know her well enough to pass that judgment on her. I only know what he told me about her after their relationship was over: how he tried to break up with her previously, but didn't out of sympathy and begging, and that he was very unhappy and the relationship was very one-sided. She doesn't seem like a "witch" at all. She only seemed to be clinging on in a relationship that he did not really want and that should have ended when he went away to college, and whose faults were only exacerbated by the distance. It was not a healthy relationship.

As for the op--I don't know whether or not her situation is just like mine. I don't know how her friend's relationship is with his girlfriend, whether he is happy, how he feels about her, etc. But his actions are his own. I'm not saying that she wouldn't be "planting a seed", but I AM saying that it's up to the guy if he lets it "grow".

In my case, I truly believe that the decision to end the relationship was his own. It's true, I told him that I was attracted to him. However, if he were not attracted to me and did not see potential in us beyond our friendship, he wouldn't have broken it off with the other girl in the first place. I didn't push myself on him, nor did I try to make him cheat on her. I was true to myself, and I told him how I felt, but am by no means some sort of serial "boyfriend stealer". I can assure you, none of my friend's boyfriends have ever been in "danger". You can assume evil intentions on my part all you want, but the truth is that I would've been happy just remaining his friend if he was truly happy in his relationship and was not interested in me at all.

I will accept that I did "plant a seed", insofar as I just told him, as a friend, how I felt. Not trying to get into his pants, not trying to make him break up with his girlfriend. I suppose it is up to the OP and her friend to decide whether or not this is "okay" to do. I think that the OP is thinking to do this much in the way that I did: not as in an evil, conniving way designed to put a rift between her friend and his gf, but rather to just tell someone something that they've been aching to get out in the open for a while. Just because mine turned out in some fairy tale way (although in this fairytale, I assume some would see me as the evil witch rather than the princess), it doesn't mean that hers will.

I personally see no problem with her telling this guy, especially if he is a good friend, about how she has felt. I have had guy friends tell me that they were attracted to me-- even though I was in a relationship-- and I felt no need to act upon that fact. It is a question of her friend's relationship with his girlfriend: if he is happy, nothing will happen; if he is not, there might be a chance for him and the OP.

lol Matt - I LOVE the office. I haven't watched the 4th season yet, only got up to the 3rd. don't spoil it for me!!!

that said, i think that is a good point about the office, jim was in a situation where he couldn't survive anymore - clearly in love with her, he had to confess before the wedding, one last try. i think he sort of did the right thing actually... and i'm glad pam didn't marry roy!

i don't think telling someone that you have a crush on them is as bad if they are only dating, and not married with children. that's pretty awful.

I'd also kinda like to point out a couple more things to the OP; for one, if you DO tell this guy, try not to go overboard with it. I don't know how much you actually like him, but if one day you just randomly start telling him you're so in love with him, and that he's your whole world, etc. etc., it's going to probably hurt the friendship a lot more than if you were to just sit down and calmly say "Hey, I think we're really great together, I like this and this about you. I've had feelings for you for a while now; I know you have a girlfriend, and I respect that. I'm not trying to put any kind of pressure on you, or come between the two of you, I just really wanted to get it off my chest", something like that.

The other thing I'd like to point out is that how you handle the possible/ likely rejection will play a key role in your future with this guy. Obviously, rejection hurts no matter what, but if you can suck it up and just say something like "Yeah, I understand, that's cool. It was worth a shot", then go back to being friends, chances are, he'll respect you a lot more. And who knows? If his current relationship doesn't work out, maybe he'll be interested in you, knowing that you like him but that you're mature enough to just be friends.

When you tell somebody that you have feelings for them and they are already in a relationship, it is a very selfish act and it is actually conniving because the goal is not simply to get it off your chest, but to actually plant seeds in the other guy's mind. You can dress it up however you want to feel faultless, but when someone is taken, they are taken and nobody else should be declaring love to someone who has a partner. That is incredibly selfish, cruel and lacking in integrity. What kind of world would we live in if everyone feels the right to declare their love to someone who is attached. You did, in essense steal the boyfriend away by pursuing him...yes, telling him is indeed pursuing him even if you didn't actually sleep with him. You pursued an attached man and no matter how you try to convince yourself that you did nothing wrong...I have a funny feeling you would think otherwise if some woman successfully used that ploy on your man. It is interesting that you feel smug about it...lots of mistresses also feel smug taking someone else's partner...eventually it comes back to bite them on the butt. You can feel smug all you want because you have the man of your dreams...but if the relationship starts going sour, then you should have no problem when another woman starts getting her hooks into him.

With regards to The Office, yes the guy was wrong in declaring himself. Sometimes you just have to suck things up and accept that something or someone doesn't belong to you...it or they belong to someone else.