El Oh Vi

This Sunday will make it one month since i drove my boyfriend to the airport. He moved back to his home country on Feb 18th this year, and I'm handling it very well (on the outside) so far. I'm not even sure where to post this thread because we decided not to make it a long distance relationship, so we obviously separated...but not really broke up. Or did we? Anyway...we spent 8 months together, and we spoke about him possibly moving back to his country since right before we got together.

Sounds incredibly dumb to start something, knowing it is not going to last, but i was ok with that. Let it be an experience whether it's 1 day, 1 month, 1 year. Right? This was the first time i ever let anyone into my personal life. I am a good person and i was ready for a good person to meet me, be patient with me, care about me, and teach me new things. I wouldn't exactly say everything was amazing...realistically i would use the word "new." I was intersted in everything. The only thing i would say was amazing is how amazing it felt to no longer be prude...how amazing it felt to just be, open; ready.

I've always been hard to get through to. Ever since i was a little girl, i was always told that i was never affectionate. Cold, but kind and sweet; i am. I have issues with using the word love. This word is used so much, i feel as though it is abused--and i do not want to abuse the word or anyone with a false pretence. I know that he never told me how much he loved me, but that is only because i never said those words to him or any man, except my father and brother. But i always felt that he did love me when we were together. I just knew.

Now that he's no longer with me, it's very quiet. Strange. I wake up and he's not next to me. I go to work, and when i leave...my phone doesn't ring. It's no longer convenient to call because of the difference in hours. When the weekends come...i don't make breakfast for two. I do my laundry in a laundromat, not together with him. I just don't understand why the last month we were together was the sweetest month. I miss him very much. I was the one that actually convinced him to go. Not in the drive him away kind of way. I'm 5 years younger than him, and somehow i felt as thought i was a little older than him (mentally).

Although his country is also my country, i was raised here and this is my home. I have so much to do in life, and i have a strong personality...so being with him while he was confused is not good for me nor him. I tried to give him positive support to return home where he can learn and achieve a higher education, a career, more tools to allow more oportunities in the future. Tried my best to explain that it was never to late to return to school. Guided him towards a goal. I have many, and i strongly believe that we both have so much to experience before we settle for eachother or anyone else for that matter. I love his family and where he comes from, and maybe that means letting him live is my way of expressing not being selfish for the first time in my life.

I don't know really know what anyone can comment to this post. I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head.

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