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Hot/cold - why do they do that?


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This is a general question about someone acting hot/cold, but I'm especially interested in hearing about ex's being hot/cold, especially dumpers. Why do they do that? How does it make you feel? How do you handle it, especially if you (still) have feelings for that person? Or if you find yourself doing that, is it on purpose or what's going through your mind?

 

(BTW: Hot/cold behavior I'm referring to is when you're okay with things or at peace with things and that person does something or reacts in a way that shows they are affected by or desire your presense. But when you take the bait or react to it, they act distant and cold towards you.)

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I'm quite young but from my experience, acting hot/cold only serves one main purpose. For example, the girl acts very warm and affectionate to the guy on day 1, everything is perfect. He kisses her goodnight. Day 2 comes along and she half-ignores him. He is hurt and at the same time, dazzled by this sudden change of behaviour. The guy will thereforeeee "work" harder to get back in the girl's good graces.

 

I personally find the system retarded. Hope that helps.

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My ex did that all the time. Basically it ruined the relationship. When I started doing it to her - towards the end (out of spite or revenge or just pure survival) wow, she did not like that one little bit!

Now we've broken up and she wants to be friends but I'm not having any of it...she is furious. Little princess allways gets what she wants. OK, I'm getting off topic here, sorry.

 

to sum up: hate the hot/cold thing - very immature and annoying.

 

I posted here about this very subject - here's the link

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Thanks robinhood and clementine!

 

Yeah, I agree that it's immature and very frustrating! I feel like my ex doesn't want me back, but doesn't want me to move on either (at least not before he finds a new girl).

 

Why can't people just be straightforward? URGH!

 

Haha, sorry needed to vent.

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Yes, why can't people just be straight forward?! This is what I don't get either... My ex was nice and friendly early on while I was too cut up to talk to him; now that I'm fine, happy and together he's blanking me.

 

You mentioned about feeling as if he doesn't want you to move on; I've been thinking about that lately as I've realised that one of the reasons him behaving this way is bothering me so much is that I find it really difficult to move on properly while the situation is like this. We have to see each other regularly for work, and him getting uncomfortable whenever I get near him just highlights the issue of 'us' and makes it seem as if there is something there that isn't resolved. Although I have no idea what it might be...

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Illyria07, that's exactly my situation. I have to see him everyday so it's hard for me to ignore him being hot/cold. I think there is definitely unresolved issues between us, but I've already played his hot/cold game too long. Every time I reach out to him, even in casual friendship he backs off and acts cold and ignores me. So I say to myself, fine, we don't have to be friends and do my own thing, he starts to act all hurt and sad when bumping into me and try to make small talk until I respond and he backs off again. I even confronted him once about it (albeit over email) and telling him in a nice way that I'm okay with being friends and okay with not being friends. He said that he acknowledges that it's been awkward between us and that he's glad we're friends and doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but part of him doesn't want to be friends either. How ambiguous is that?!

 

Just reflecting on robinhood's words, I hope he's not trying to get me to work at chasing him for rebuilding the friendship! It's a two way street!

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I think sometimes the dumper might be battling with their decision. They may be confused and sometimes they might say something in a text or email that they think may give the ex the wrong idea and then they kind of back away to not give them the wrong idea.

 

That's the impression I get with my ex anyway.

 

Sometimes it feels like we're getting really close and then I'll make a flirty comment and she'll back off.

 

It's frustrating but I just hope that she gets confused as much as I do.

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This is what happened to me that has actually crushed me into pieces. Over a period of 5 months, he went from Cold to Hot to Cold and its just heart breaking. I wish i knew where I went wrong.

 

things were bad- cold,

then months later a mild friendship starts establishes

i suddenlty feel fantastic

he feels good about it too - you knwo when you can just tell

we're not proper friends but we are friendly and nice to each other.

 

and then the other night in a texting conversation i mention in passing 'im so we can finally be friends.'

 

he doesn't really give a direct response.

 

Then hours later he randomly messages me saying he doesn't want me in his life.

 

 

WHAAAAAAAAT?!

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Some people are just selfish.

They take care only about their feelings.

But, at some point I do not blame them at all.

If they have somebody to support it, even being hurt by that, it is not response of exes that the other person is being hurt. Dumpee lets them do that.

I say this because my ex have tendency to play with somebodys emotions. He did it once with mine, but I if it happens again it is my fault. Not his.

When you realize what are they up to, it is better to avoid them, work on getting over.

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Some people are just selfish.

They take care only about their feelings.

But, at some point I do not blame them at all.

If they have somebody to support it, even being hurt by that, it is not response of exes that the other person is being hurt. Dumpee lets them do that.

I say this because my ex have tendency to play with somebodys emotions. He did it once with mine, but I if it happens again it is my fault. Not his.

When you realize what are they up to, it is better to avoid them, work on getting over.

 

I agree that after a certain point, we (dumpees) are only hurting ourselves by letting our dumpers affect us. But it's really really hard to ignore it in my case because I have to see him everyday.

 

When he's cold to me, it hurts feeling rejected and having to see it and face it everyday. When he's being warm, there's a momentarily high that just makes the fall harder when he turns cold. But I'm slowly learning to not react to his warm. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still a part of me that cares about him.

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I think sometimes the dumper might be battling with their decision. They may be confused and sometimes they might say something in a text or email that they think may give the ex the wrong idea and then they kind of back away to not give them the wrong idea.

 

That's the impression I get with my ex anyway.

 

Sometimes it feels like we're getting really close and then I'll make a flirty comment and she'll back off.

 

It's frustrating but I just hope that she gets confused as much as I do.

 

Babe, I can really relate to that! My ex seems just like that actually. He emailed me around 2 weeks ago, just under...saying he's been thinking about old times, won't forget them, etc. and then when I reply he seems to go more distant again...it's weird. And there's a few other times I get this feeling of him being confused, and blowing hot and cold. He is generally a pretty confused person anyways! It's interesting you say that about the flirty comment. Yesterday we started emailing again, and in my last email to him I sent a somewhat flirty comment. I've not got a reply yet. Meh, maybe he's just busy or something, but hope I didn't blow it!

 

Yep, the blowing hot and cold thing is VERY common with ex's, and esp. the "dumpers" I do think it's often out of confusion as to what they want. Sometimes it'll be to keep someone on a string. Sometimes it's games and the thrill they get from it. I think you need to look at what kind of a person they are, to make a decision as to what s the most likely reason. BUT I will also have to add this! Sometimes we that want the ex back, or still have strong feelings for them (usually the "dumpees") are very very good at taking something, any little comment, and picking it to pieces to try and find what it meant. So that also may come into play at times. Sometimes it may actually be us taking things the wrong way. It's all ohhh sooo confusssing, ha ha.

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