fiancee, rape? and his performance

So I'm in an interesting position and would like to see some of your perspectives and have some input...

ever since the beginning of our relationship, my fiancee has had trouble maintaining an erection. When we have sex it is always the same (with one exception-will explain later). We have sex for about 10 minutes, during which his erection comes and goes and he is never fully erect until a couple of seconds before he finishes. And yes, it sucks...but because of his issue, he has learned to be really good at oral and I loved him so much that I would take that bad with all his good. But I digress...

I'm not a big drinker, but he always wants me to get drunk. At the beginning of our relationship, he always got me drunk...and now I just occasionally get myself drunk. And so when I get drunk, I eventually pass out. And then once I'm passed out, he has sex with me. Is it just me, or is that messed up? Isn't that rape?

I noticed recently, when I wasn't completely out-of-it during his sex session that he was fully erect the entire time and was really into it (making noises, etc). That was literally the first time he has ever performed like that. So what does that mean? Does that mean that he's just not into me and he doesn't like "love-making". he just likes anonymous, loveless sex? Does that mean that he can only really get off if he's raping someone? Or maybe he likes that because there is no pressure? He doesn't have to worry about trying to make me feel good, he can just focus on himself and his desires?

What do you think of this? I don't really know how to think and feel about it. Thanks!!!!

that's rape. it sounds like he can get his jimmies off only when it's "un-reciprocated" sex, if that makes sense. if you're planning to spend the rest of your life with this guy, you need to do something about it. talk to him (most people will say break up with him) and let him know this isn't ok. AND STOP GETTING DRUNK.

Sounds creepy to me. I would be so freaked out by a guy doing this to me while I am unconscious. Makes you wonder what else he might do that you don't know about. He didn't even tell you he was doing this when you were passed out..you just happened to be awake one time. That is RAPE. You did not consent to sex so it is rape...period. I agree with the above poster...run not walk away from this creep.

That is unusual behavior and yes I would consider it rape if you are unconsciously drunk and don't reciprocate intimacy. This guy is a sicko and needs some professional help. You should leave him, because this is NOT normal behavior. In fact, I never heard of anything so outrageous.

If you stay with this man for another day you will eventually end up an alcoholic and he could end up hurting you for real.

whenever anyone takes advantage of your body without your consent it is rape. he's using you like a blow up doll...

this is totally weird and i think unacceptable. i wouldn't marry such a person for fear of what was going on in his head, or that he might escalate it until he is raping you while you are awake.

at a minimum, you need to discuss this with a counselor.

Consent has to be given every time. It's not okay to have sex with you without your consent one time just because you've said yes fifty other times. You have a right to feel weird about this. It sounds like he's doing this deliberately. In my relationship I've made it pretty clear that I need to be awake and cognizant for sex to happen - I don't like being touched while I'm asleep and unaware. I can only imagine what you're feeling like right now.

Definitely is rape, stay away from this man, how do you know he won't resort to worse things like suffocating you and getting off on that.

Sorry, but this is really unhealthy.

The erection thing, he seems to have full control of it, he just doesn't want it to go up, my ex is the same way, he hates condoms, so he makes it go floppy, and and the sex life was horrendous, run from this guy, who knows what he is capable of.

Hugs, Rose

this is totally weird and i think unacceptable. i wouldn't marry such a person for fear of what was going on in his head

I fully agree!!

Have you ever talked to him about this? this is extremly odd....EXTREMLY and I would be very worried about what is going on in his head. Why it is he is only erected when you're passed out???

I think you two need to have a Serious talk & perhaps with a cousellor, but please don't marry him...no time soon.

Marriage is the rest of your life & this...wow...This is rather scarey & serious behavior.

it's one things to like pretend raping someone (bedroom fun)...I enjoy it...being pinned down...ect. but to get you drunk & be the only time he can do it. that's very worrisom. there may be something in his past that has lead to this or it could be something going on in his head.

either way...look into this further - talk to him about it & talk with a counsellor.

when men have performance problems they sometimes find odd ways in which they can actually maintain an erection.... Andrew Chikatilo was the same way and found that he could only maintain an erection if there was some sort of violence involved...

this is a serious problem and he will need lots of mental help since this may well develop into a severe problem later down the line.

Consult a therapist asap.

I looked at your past threads, from what I can gather you've been togehter 10 months to a year & majority of it is long distance. And you have stated he has shady, guilty behvaior at times....along with this rape things...red flags all over

Hun I think there is something definietly going on in this mans head, something not right...possibly going in life too(not just his head) but considering you are so far you wouldn't really know would you?

I would be extremly cautious of dating this man let alone marrying him.

how do you really feel about all of this? What does your gut tell you?

I disagree with people saying this is rape. It's not.

My boyfriend grabs my boobs in my sleep when we are cuddling and I don't consider him molesting me.

It is rape if he put something in your drink, OR if you ever at any point told him no or to stop..then it is rape.

I do think his behavior is weird, and a bit creepy though. It could be a fantasy he has? If he is your fiance, you should be comfortable enough to talk to him about it. I also find it a bit weird when you "woke" up you didn't say anything to him..

Rape is also when the opportunity to consent is taken away from you. If he did that to her when she passed out from being drunk. That is rape.

I do know guys that have fantasies of doing a girl when she's passed out or unconscious. However, the difference is between role playing versus getting you drunk to actually do it.

I think you should talk to him and he needs to talk to a therapist. But I would be very cautious of continuing a relationship with him.

I disagree with people saying this is rape. It's not.

 

My boyfriend grabs my boobs in my sleep when we are cuddling and I don't consider him molesting me.

 

It is rape if he put something in your drink, OR if you ever at any point told him no or to stop..then it is rape.

 

I do think his behavior is weird, and a bit creepy though. It could be a fantasy he has? If he is your fiance, you should be comfortable enough to talk to him about it. I also find it a bit weird when you "woke" up you didn't say anything to him..

Grabbing your boobs in your sleep is one thing. But getting his fiancee drunk just so that he can do whatever he wants with her is rape. Let me put it this way: If you were at a party, and a guy kept on getting you drinks and encouraged you to get drunk. You did, and then you woke up in the middle of the night with him nailing you... would you consider it rape? And then when you add the fact that he is supposed to be the person she can trust most in the world, makes it worse.

Rape is a form of assault where one individual forces another to have sexual intercourse against that person’s will.

If it was a stranger or someone he wasn't with or even just started dating, then maybe it would a type of rape. More taken advantage of.

I don't really think you can rape your own fiancee unless they say NO.

I wouldn't say his actions are normal in the least bit. It's something she needs to talk to him about, but it is not rape.

Grabbing your boobs in your sleep is one thing. But getting his fiancee drunk just so that he can do whatever he wants with her is rape. Let me put it this way: If you were at a party, and a guy kept on getting you drinks and encouraged you to get drunk. You did, and then you woke up in the middle of the night with him nailing you... would you consider it rape? And then when you add the fact that he is supposed to be the person she can trust most in the world, makes it worse.

very true.

however if it's the same guy, your finace, that does it everytime & you are aware of what he is doing, apparently okay with it because than you start help him out by willingly getting drunk to pass out so he can do it and never ask him to stop...is it still rape??

I agree it's messed up & scarey behavior (I strongly feel what I've written in my last 2 posts) But I'm unsure if it is 'rape'-seems like a grey area, when it's your finacee & you know what he's doing & consent by getting drunk to pass out so he can do this. Either way I think this entire sitaution & relationship seems very unhealthy and scarey....

Grabbing your boobs in your sleep is one thing. But getting his fiancee drunk just so that he can do whatever he wants with her is rape. Let me put it this way: If you were at a party, and a guy kept on getting you drinks and encouraged you to get drunk. You did, and then you woke up in the middle of the night with him nailing you... would you consider it rape? And then when you add the fact that he is supposed to be the person she can trust most in the world, makes it worse.

Well i don't think the guy encouraging a girl to drink is all his fault. She has the option of saying no. Shagging someone senseless while they are passed out is another story.

anita, I wouldn't call it rape... but it clearly makes you uncomfortable. Have you spoken to him about this?

Grabbing your boobs in your sleep is one thing. But getting his fiancee drunk just so that he can do whatever he wants with her is rape. Let me put it this way: If you were at a party, and a guy kept on getting you drinks and encouraged you to get drunk. You did, and then you woke up in the middle of the night with him nailing you... would you consider it rape? And then when you add the fact that he is supposed to be the person she can trust most in the world, makes it worse.

She said she has sex with him. So someone whom you have sex with and are planning to marry is different than some guy at a party.

I'm not saying just because you are marrying a person that means you can have sex when you want to.

But she said she was awake. It happened more than once and she drank at her own will. I have drank a whole lot in my life, to the point I was passed out. -Passed out is different from blacked out. If she recollects him being rock hard and enjoying it, I don't think she was too passed out. She could have easily told him to stop.

Rape is a form of assault where one individual forces another to have sexual intercourse against that person’s will.

.

Using physical force, that's violent rape.

What this guy is doing is rape. He's waiting until she is not conscious or able to consent then using her body without her agreement, participation or knowledge.

He is a sick sick person.

Edit: This post just makes me think he has a think for necrophilia. He obviously is turned off by a responsive active partner.

 

I don't really think you can rape your own fiancee unless they say NO.

 

This is interesting. Normally I hear guys with the mentality that it's impossible to rape your fiancee, wife, girlfriend just because you're in a relationship with them. It's like they think "I tell her I love her, so sex is in season all the time." Just because she doesn't say NO means she's accepting what he is doing. IMO, women in abusive relationships will never say NO for fear of punishment, so they submit to sex whenever the guy wants. But the guy is using psychological and emotional power to take away her consent.

But, until now, I've never heard of a girl feeling the same way.

Using physical force, that's violent rape.

 

 

What this guy is doing is rape. He's waiting until she is not conscious or able to consent then using her body without her agreement, participation or knowledge.

 

He is a sick sick person.

 

 

Edit: This post just makes me think he has a think for necrophilia. He obviously is turned off by a responsive active partner.

How is it rape when she knows what he is doing and doesn't stop him? -it's not.

He doesn't force her to drink. She drinks herself to get really drunk and pass out. It has happened on more than one occasion without her saying anything.

All I know is, if I drank myself silly and felt I was "taken advantage of" I wouldn't be getting really drunk with that person again knowing they would do it again.

This is interesting. Normally I hear guys with the mentality that it's impossible to rape your fiancee, wife, girlfriend just because you're in a relationship with them. It's like they think "I tell her I love her, so sex is in season all the time." Just because she doesn't say NO means she's accepting what he is doing. IMO, women in abusive relationships will never say NO for fear of punishment, so they submit to sex whenever the guy wants. But the guy is using psychological and emotional power to take away her consent.

 

But, until now, I've never heard of a girl feeling the same way.

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year.

If we went out drinking and I was passed out but conscious and he started to have sex with me. I would get up laugh my ass off and tell him he is really weird and ask him why he did that. I wouldn't ignore it and cry RAPE. It's not.

If it was someone I didn't know or didn't have sex with on a regular basis and I was BLACKED OUT..then yes, it would be rape.

How is it rape when she knows what he is doing and doesn't stop him? -it's not.

 

He doesn't force her to drink. She drinks herself to get really drunk and pass out. It has happened on more than one occasion without her saying anything.

 

All I know is, if I drank myself silly and felt I was "taken advantage of" I wouldn't be getting really drunk with that person again knowing they would do it again.

If she does not consent, it's rape. That's the LAW. Simple as.

She doesn't say she gets really drunk. I know it only takes a couple to put me to sleep and I am nowhere near paralytic.

People don't always do what we think is the obvious thing when they're in love. Hindsight is always 20/20 and the view is always better from a distance.

and yes you can rape your own fiance. I never said you couldn't. I said if she says no at any time or you aren't aware of it, it is rape. But she is aware...so it's not rape.

What do you think of this? I don't really know how to think and feel about it. Thanks!!!!

I think the suggestion of you yourself going to speak to a councilor - face to face - is a very good one.

Even better, a councilor who has experience with sexual issues and concerns.

A flip through your local phone book usually can be a good lead to finding numbers if you aren't sure to call. There are usually numbers right near the front: with the emergency numbers. A woman's shelter or clinic, a local mental health clinic, or a "regular" old clinic.

I personally think that what your bf is doing is at the very least dangerous. It's dangerous for your physical, emotional, and sexual health...not to mention how you feel within this relationship.

I think you need a chance to get clear about how you truly feel about all this, and to clear up the confusion you are feeling with a professional who knows exactly how to listen and provide the kind of support you need right now.

I'm concerned for you. Others here are as well.

Would you be up for trying to talk to someone off line about it??