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pre-wedding depression


Krystal_Ivy

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Hi, I posted a while ago about cold feet. I'm hoping to get more responses this time because I really need some comfort and advice on how to get through this. I have alot of wedding anxiety and depression. I feel more sad than happy. But I don't have doubts about him. He's a great guy. There is just alot of change. I'm going to be away from my parents for the first time, (we're super close) Supporting my self financially for the first time, we both don't have much money at all. and I'm just scared We will be bored together after a while. I mean, the rest of your lives is a loooooooooooooooong time. the wedding is on april 19th so it's really soon. I read it's completely normal to feel scared,sad or angry during the engagement faze.

 

I don't even feel like being intimate with him. My friend says I'm pushing him away because I see him as a symbol of all the change that's going to happen and I fear extreame change. So I distance myself from him. I know that's not healthy but what do I do?? I think my birth control is making me even more moody and emotional than ever too. Has anyone ever had anxiety's like this?? what can help? I want to go into marriage happy not depressed.

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Hey Girl,

 

Can I ask how old you both are, how long you've been together, and why you didn't live out on your own before moving straight from your parent's home in with your new husband?

 

Maybe it's not that you have doubts about him, but have a feeling it's not the right time to marry him.

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I just turned 24, he's 28. We've been together almonst a year and a half. I never lived on my own because my parents majorly sheltered me. I've been in and out of school and working only part time, so they've been supporting me. I never wanted to live alone and I didn't live with any guys because I feel you shouldn't move in togther until marriage. I think I'm just scared and I would be no matter when I got married. I don't think it's about "waiting" because wait for what? I'm 24 and know he's the one. I should be ready mentally by now. I just need to stop being a baby. But at times, I feel he loves me more than I love him. He's much more clingy than I am.

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Change is such a difficult thing, the changes can be good but still cause depression. It's such a strange thing, I can relate to you. I went through so many changes at once with leaving university, breaking up with my first love of 3.5 years, moving out of our home, getting a new job! I was utterly depressed even though I knew the changes were for the best. I was so scared of moving out of our home that I cried every single night. But you know what? The changes weren't as bad as I thought, because my life is a lot better because of the changes.

 

I understand how hard it is to move out from your family home for the first time. For the first little while it is hard but you will get used to it. You don't need to live with your family for them to be there for you though. They will always still be there for you because you are lucky enough to be close with your family. So even if you are in a different home, you will still have them in your thoughts and you will be in theirs and you can visit them too.

 

For finance, perhaps get a book and write down all your outgoing expenses. What helped me was registering online with my bank because I can see exactly where my money is going all the time now. Perhaps you could do this too. It can be difficult working to a budget but planning it all out will definitely help. Your fiancee could help you with it, you could work on it together.

 

Remember you are not alone during these changes, or even after them. Your family will always be there for you to help. Maybe your parents can help you with planning out how to work to a budget?

 

Also, I think you need to speak to your fiancee about your anxiety. He may be able to help comfort you. That's what I do when I have a problem in my head, I talk to my bf about it and he always manages to help me. You say your fiancee is a great guy, I bet he could help you. Try not to push him away, I think you need him more than ever just now.

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I moved into my husband's out straight from my parents'. For me, this was a mistake. I never learned to live on my own and that translated to a lack of readiness for marriage. When you are married, you have to manage a household, pay all the bills, do the grocery shopping, cook most of the time (going out all the time being too expensive), and just generally do all that stuff your parents used to do behind the scenes.

 

Sometimes one thing that helps me figure out things when I'm uncomfortable about it is to write about the problem. Like, for example - you are worried about financial insecurity, how you two are going to make it. It's valid. So why not write about exactly why that's a concern in terms of numbers, and then write about what you can do about it? IE find the solution, or come up with a plan to deal with it? That will make you feel a lot better than just being angry with yourself for changing your situation to one that you plainly view as unfavorable.

 

You said that you need to stop being a baby. I don't think you are being one at all. You are just worried. But now is the time to stop asking why and start asking What and How. What do you need to do? How can you do it? This kind of action-oriented thinking is going to be immensely helpful for you in your marriage and in your general life.

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have you been to pre-marital counseling?

what about solo-counseling?

pre-marital yes. but they just have you fill out these dumb questionaries and it's a requirement of the church we're getting married at. WE as a couple don't really need it. I'm mainly the one who needs it. I'm looking into getting personal counseling.

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I just turned 24, he's 28. We've been together almonst a year and a half. I never lived on my own because my parents majorly sheltered me. I've been in and out of school and working only part time, so they've been supporting me. I never wanted to live alone and I didn't live with any guys because I feel you shouldn't move in togther until marriage. I think I'm just scared and I would be no matter when I got married. I don't think it's about "waiting" because wait for what? I'm 24 and know he's the one. I should be ready mentally by now. I just need to stop being a baby. But at times, I feel he loves me more than I love him. He's much more clingy than I am.

 

Hi Krystal,

 

Thanks for responding. I get the feeling that although you are 24 you really haven't done a lot of growing and branching out on your own and gotten comfortable with yourself as an adult (you yourself say that you've only lived with your parents and they majorly shelter you).

 

To be honest, your relationship is still quite young after less than 18 months too. You can get a good feeling about someone but I think you are rushing things a bit, and your gut (panic attacks posted in your other thread and depression and pushing him away posted both there and here) is trying to tell you that.

 

I'm not saying he isn't the right guy and that you shouldn't marry him, but I am saying that maybe you should think about this and post pone the wedding for awhile.

 

I am getting married and I am thrilled and excited and have no reservations about this, and to be honest it feels like my fiance and I are closer than ever planning our future together.

 

The way you are feeling is definitely not normal and I would not chalk it up to pre-wedding jitters.

 

Your gut is trying to tell you something. Maybe you should listen to it.

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pre-marital yes. but they just have you fill out these dumb questionaries and it's a requirement of the church we're getting married at. WE as a couple don't really need it. I'm mainly the one who needs it. I'm looking into getting personal counseling.

 

if you are married, it is no longer just you. what you do affects him.. including your personal counselling!

 

I read your other thread too and I just see red flags.. this is not normal at all!

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I agree with Hope. Everything she said above is applicable. I think it is a mistake to move from parent's home to a home with a husband but you already have the wedding planned so too late for that I would imagine. WIth the divorce rate as it is a woman should know how to live independently should she ever find herself out there alone. Going from parents to husband is not the best way to build that independence.

 

Your gut is telling you something. ANd no, it is not normal to feel this depressed and sad before the wedding.

 

Pre wedding jitters a week or so prior, yes. What you are feeling, no. Not normal.

 

As far as pre wedding counseling even tho he may not show the same signs you do I think you BOTH could benefit from it.

 

Also, you mentioned not wanting to be intimate - i thought you were a vigrin and waiting until your wedding night?

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pre-marital yes. but they just have you fill out these dumb questionaries and it's a requirement of the church we're getting married at. WE as a couple don't really need it. I'm mainly the one who needs it. I'm looking into getting personal counseling.

 

Pre cana really isn't marital counseling in the sense that you are talking about.

 

And I agree with whomever above said that you are going to marry this guy and your feelings are related to him and you fears and anxieties about getting married (to him), and he should know how you feel and be with you in counseling to talk about it and address it.

 

You shouldn't keep these feelings from him and I am sure he senses something isn't right if you are refusing to be intimate with him and are pushing him away.

 

I know it seems like the wedding is looming and it would be difficult to post pone it, but I think if you ignore this and plow ahead you will only set yourself up for a harder failure later on, once you are married.

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I know it seems like the wedding is looming and it would be difficult to post pone it, but I think if you ignore this and plow ahead you will only set yourself up for a harder failure later on, once you are married.

 

I also wanted to add that although I am excited for my wedding day, that's just the party- look at the bigger picture. If you ignore this because you think it's too late to post pone and you get married, once the wedding day is over you are married- and these problems with only be magnified that much more.

They aren't going to disappear with a couple of rings on your fingers and a big party.

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^^To expand on Hope's posts I think it is deceitful to keep the feelings from him. No doubt he feels the brunt of it as you said on one post you are acting mean to him and pushing him away. This is surely not how you treat someone you love and are getting ready to marry. He should know you feel this way and be involved in the counseling with you.

 

Part of being married is becoming a team. It's not just you anymore. He has feelings that should be respected and he should be brought into the loop regarding yours.

 

It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near ready. I suggest getting to a counselor pronto and try to talk some of this stuff thru before walking down the aisle.

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thanks for the advice, but I tend to agree with enchanted myst. I believe it's all fear and it's because of the big change. I think I just need to work through these emotions and go through the change and it probably will be a good thing. and jadedstar it IS normal for some people to go through this. I have read reprts from therapists.

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^^To expand on Hope's posts I think it is deceitful to keep the feelings from him. No doubt he feels the brunt of it as you said on one post you are acting mean to him and pushing him away. This is surely not how you treat someone you love and are getting ready to marry. He should know you feel this way and be involved in the counseling with you.

 

Part of being married is becoming a team. It's not just you anymore. He has feelings that should be respected and he should be brought into the loop regarding yours.

 

It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near ready. I suggest getting to a counselor pronto and try to talk some of this stuff thru before walking down the aisle.

why are you assuming I'm keeping this from him?? he knows EVERYTHING about how I feel.

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You said you are "pushing him away". Most people when they push away a loved one are not saying "i am pushing you away and being snapppy and mean right now because i am afraid about the wedding".

 

IF you ARE telling him this, then my apologies. You said you were being mean to him and pushing him away - one would assume you are not telling him why you are doing that at the same time.

 

I stand by what i said tho, you don't sound ready. This kind of behavior IMO is not normal right before getting married.

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Krystal

 

If you are having this much difficulty in decideing about getting married, that in itself should tell you something. You can't get a councilor to make you feel it's the right thing to do. You have to feel that. I think a councilor can help you sort things out and see where your focus really is but I'm not sold on the idea of pre-marital counciling. Being in love is not the same thing as being convinced and vice versa. If I need to be convinced it is the right move when everything inside of me is saying STOP then that tells me I'm not ready - even if I love them. You are faced with a lot of change. As far as getting bored later, that can happen even if you are with the 'person of your dreams'. People change and I believe when you are in the 18-25 year old age group, you are emotionally, socially, mentally, and otherwise in a world that is changing constantly. I can't tell you what to do but if it were me (knowing what I know now and looking back over my life) I would wait.

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It's understandable that it is a big change for you but I don't think that is all this is, and I think you may be choosing to heed EM's advice because it does not require you to think about this more in the sense that you might want to post pone the wedding.

 

mild pre-wedding jitters may be normal but not to the extent of what you are feeling and the amount that it is affecting you. Being mean to your fiance and pushing him away is a very bad sign and is not normal behavior either- even for someone with pre-wedding jitters.

 

Ultimately whatever your choice is you are the one who will live with it's consequences- I can only hope that you will think about this more, even if you don't want to consider that it may be more than just normal pre-wedding jitters.

 

Your other posts about your job woes just reinforces that in addition to not having a chance to experience life on your own before becoming dependent on someone else and being totally sheltered by your parents, you both are not really financially in a good place to get married.

 

I don't think your parents did you any favors by taking care of everything for you in that you are 24 with no college education and no job.

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