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I cheated on my girlfriend and told her...I've ruined my life forever


Self_Destruction

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I don't really even know where to begin. I'm sitting here, 5 hours from when I have to wake up for work and the events of my entire relationship pour through my head like a waterfall disabling any ability to sleep. I can't seem to grasp anything enough to truly analyze it or make sense of it.

 

I had been with my girlfriend 14 months and she decided she had to move out on Friday. After a wonderful day driving in the north bay, we came home and she checked her STD test results online. She gets regularly tested every 4 months or so. She had Chlamydia. She completely lost it. I've never been worried about her infidelity, but still accused her of cheating on me, trying to play some mental game with her in hopes that she wouldn't think that I cheated on her. She now knew that I had cheated on her. She accused me and I denied it, saying that I had, had it 15 months earlier (which was true) and that I probably just never got rid of it by taking the medicine incorrectly (which was a lie).

 

This was the 6th lie that she has caught me in, which truly explains why she really had no reason to believe me. I never wanted to hurt her (or myself) but I find that when I get depressed about life, I tend to act very impulsively and self destructively. She has continued to ask me since Friday (roughly 4 more times) and I have lied to her face every time. It makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about what I've done to us and how I have lost her forever. I finally admitted to her tonight after we were both very open about how we had been feeling lately and really on how I had been feeling about the ways I deal with life. The mental games I seem to play almost subconsciously with my self. I felt like telling her would be the best thing to do, because above anything else, all that she has really asked for in our relationship was that I be honest with her.

 

I'm sorry for this long winded post. If you've even gotten this far, you are a saint and I deeply appreciate you reading this. I just really don't know what to do. She's almost moved all of her things from the apartment and the emptier it gets, the emptier I feel inside. I have been avoiding going to work since she found out and stayed home today feeling utterly destroyed and like nothing matters. I've scratched the surface of every thought in my cluttered head trying to find anyway to fix what I have done. Please help me.

 

Thank you for your time...

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firstly i think more details would be useful here - how many times did you cheat - why did you cheat, etc...

 

but look... you did the crime and you need to pay the time. you realise you've done something wrong and the self-serving part of you tried to protect yourself with lies to cover up your tracks... so she's well within reason not to trust you. Without trust you really have nothing do you? So is it going to be possible to save the relationship?

Not without some serious grovelling and not without her having time to think thiongs through.

I feel bad for you man, but at the same time I feel like you've got what you deserved. Let her know how you feel and ask her if there's any way to reconcile... if not - I'm sorry but the end hurts and will do for a while.... give it time and your wounds will heal - and you'll eventually learn from this mistake. Hopefully.

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I'm glad you were finally honest with her, you owe her that. You've made some terrible mistakes in this relationship and the best you can do is try to learn from them and do better next time. I know you're going through a very rough time and I can only imagine what she must be going through right now. She's probably feeling very hurt, betrayed and angry.

 

Honestly, I think you need to take a good look at yourself, maybe with the assistance of some counselling to try a figure out why you would do things that you know would likely destroy a relationship that was important to you.

 

Sometimes it's only when we lose something that we realize how wonderful it was. I really hope that you can take this experience , try to figure out how you could have done things differently and apply those lessons to your next relationship.

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At least you finally told her the truth. If my ex had told me the truth and finally admitted it, I might have been more prone to work things out rather than him continually denying it and lying to me. I'd say you have at least that on your side even though it took you a while. Good luck and let that be a lesson.

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Yeah...you aren't likely to get her back or talk to her ever again.

 

If I had an ex that gave me an std because they cheated...Adioas, they caught themselves a one way ticket to the block list and the 'what the hell was I thinking even being friends with that loser' list.

 

Sorry man...but that is messed up...cheating and infecting your girlfriend....

 

I'm sorry you are in pain but this is a web woven from your actions.

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If you have problems with depression, I suggest speaking to a therapist. You can probably write this relationship off - if she has any self respect she'll not be coming back, and I applaud her for that, completely necessary. You can work on your problems though and make certain that this doesn't happen again later on down the line. I do think that it's somewhat of an excuse though - the cure to depression is rarely found between another woman's thighs, unless she keeps her antidepressants in a REALLY weird place.

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This is the one and only time I've cheated on her, but it doesn't really make it any better. I was angry at her I guess, maybe more angry with myself. We had a huge fight a week or so prior to my infidelity. She cut deep into my emotions and I'm not sure I ever really forgave her for what happened that day even though I've wanted to so bad. I love this girl uncontrollably. I've never felt like someone was irreplaceable before. In the past, I've been cheated on and have cheated, and it's horrible being on either end of the coin, probably more horrible being the cheater though. I never thought I would cheat on this girl, it was a mistake, and I even stopped myself minutes after it began and I had realized what I had done. I wanted to tell her then, but I figured if I really had learned from what I did and didn't feel like I wanted to do it again, then I should spare her feelings.

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I know you are not online right now but whenever you login. I hope you read this message. First and foremost, am so sorry about what you are going through right now as this is a very tough emotional times you are passion through but you have to face the truth, you've lost that girl, be prepaired for it. Even though she decides to forgive you and stay with you there is the tendcy that she will never trust you againand that your relationship will never be the same.

 

Another thing, please do learn your lessons from now on. Whenever you are feeling down, instead of doing something irrational that will hurt you and both the one you love, think twice and do something else, do something constructive.

 

I know from experience that a relationship have to be built on trust, not on pile of lies as you said you've lied to her before. A relatioship have to be of love and nothing else. If you really love that girl like you said you won't cheat on her. But now that it has come to this, get your self together and face whatever that is about to happen

 

I hope you feel better-

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Hey Self_Destruction,

 

About a month ago, I went through something SO eerily similar to what you're going through, it's scary. Like yourself, I had only cheated once, and instantly regretted it. However, that doesn't change or excuse what happened (though I think it does count for something). I'm hurting like nothing I've ever experienced before, so I know exactly what you're going through.

 

Coming clean was the right thing to do - but the important part now isn't to worry about things like, "I should have told her sooner" or "I shouldn't have done it in the first place". I know it's only natural to regret and revisit the past, but it's not going to change no matter how often you wish that it would. The important part, going forward, is that you take the time to learn from your mistakes. Realize that honesty is an important part of the relationship, that your actions have consequences, and that trust is fragile. You can't change what you did or who you were, but you can control how you grow and develop from this experience.

 

Maybe that future includes her, maybe it doesn't. Regardless of how she decides (and you have to respect that it's her decision), she needs time and space to heal, and you need to give it to her. Either way, the focus right now has to be on YOUR self-growth and development. If you don't learn from this, then you've wasted a wonderful relationship for nothing. Don't let it go to waste, man.

 

I would also suggest reevaluating the sources of your hurt and sadness. I know what it feels like - a solid lump of emotion swirling around in your chest and gut. But take the time to separate out those emotions - how much of that is guilt? Shame? Wounded ego? And when you've taken the time to parse out the sources of those emotions, then address each one individually. Take the time to forgive yourself, take the time to reconstruct your self-esteem, take the time . Obviously, a large source of that hurt is from the pain missing her and the desire to be back in the relationship, but you'll never fully heal unless you identify and address ALL the sources of emotion.

 

Hope that helps. Like I said, I'm trying to deal with this myself, but those are some of the lessons I've learned so far.

 

All the best.

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Hello,

Just like the previous poster my situation is almost exactly like yours and it kinda creeped me out!!!

 

I cheated on my boyfriend within the first week of our relationship. I gave someone oral sex. I didn't think to tell him because at the time it didn't really affect me and I honestly didn't even consider telling him.

 

Fast forward two months and one day out of NOWHERE I remembered what happened and I was completely torn up inside with guilt. Maybe I started to feel that way because our relationship had gotten way serious and I realized we were going to be together for the long haul. We were each others firsts and we loved each other.

 

Needless to say I battled day in and day out about whether to tell him. Should I tell him because our relationship shouldn't be built on lies?? Or should I let the by gones be by gones and move on and not hurt him?? Oh how I struggled.

 

I eventually told him and he flipped. I was so afraid he would leave me, I was crying hysterically so bad I was throwing up.

 

My downfall was not telling him the whole truth!!!! I left out details and then eventually I would let something slip and he would catch me in another lie.

 

He eventually gave me another chance and we are engaged. There is hope if your gf is willing, but don't expect it and don't argue with her decision.

 

I'm hoping your gf will give you another chance, everyone deserves one.

 

I've been where you are now and if you need any help or have any questions please pm me!!!

 

The best of luck

Brittney2008

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Cheaters do not deserve a second chance. They put their partner's life at risk because they were 'tempted". I will now have to get tested every six months for at least a year to make sure the yo-yo I was with did not give me something I do not want to pass on. Cheating is a selfish act. Sorry to be so harsh, but when you cheat, you not only hurt the person mentally (you break their heart) you also leave them scared that they have a disease through no fault of their own. That really hurts.

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Cheaters do not deserve a second chance.

 

Everybody in every situation deserves a second chance. People make mistakes. If they go and do it again then yeah they deserve what they get but some people do learn their lesson through a horrible mistake. And I don't just think this way because I've cheated on someone and been given a second chance. My opinion anyway..

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Try to live your life like you can't have any secrets or lies and everything you do will have to be shared with your mate. A relationship needs 100% transparency if it is going to work.

 

Can you two make it work? I don't know. She has likely been severly damaged by this and if you and she are going to make a go of it, I would suggest you first seek counseling as a couple. If you do not properly deal with all the mess that has been created by this, then it will keep creeping back into your relationship.

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Everybody in every situation deserves a second chance. People make mistakes. If they go and do it again then yeah they deserve what they get but some people do learn their lesson through a horrible mistake. And I don't just think this way because I've cheated on someone and been given a second chance. My opinion anyway..

 

Because you have benefitted from this concept and to disagree would mean to insinuate that your SO has possibly made a mistake. I agree with jig. Not every situation is the same and warrants a reprieve. What if the infidelity in question isn't just with one person, some find out about three maybe more instances in the past? This time the OP and his ex have chlamidya, however it could have been much worse, it may have been an STD that NEVER goes away or it could be a death sentence, AIDS.

 

Not everyone deserves a second chance this highly depends on the occurrence and I have to agree that giving your SO a disease is pretty distasteful. If you have been given one, good for you and I hope that you are grateful for this chance that you have been given as quite a few wouldn't have offered this.

 

To the OP, a lot of good posts here and I have nothing really to add but do indeed seek assistance with depression. I do understand that mental issues can alter the way we view things and affect how we act, however, there are still rules that we need to follow and our actions do indeed have consequences. It's a sad thing I know but your possible affliction isn't a get out of jail free card. Use this experience to learn from and please, for yourself and your future gf, stop cheating. The more this is done, the easier it will become to do, yeah?

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Cheaters do not deserve a second chance. They put their partner's life at risk because they were 'tempted". I will now have to get tested every six months for at least a year to make sure the yo-yo I was with did not give me something I do not want to pass on. Cheating is a selfish act. Sorry to be so harsh, but when you cheat, you not only hurt the person mentally (you break their heart) you also leave them scared that they have a disease through no fault of their own. That really hurts.

 

It essentially shows where you rank in their priorities. They knew that you would be hurt and what this could possibly mean to their relationship but did it anyway. There are few things worse than finding out about an STD that was given to you through no fault of your own, but then when the lies and deception start, this only serves to throw more salt in the wound and shows that this person would compromise your own happiness and safety only to get their rocks off. Life is hard enough as it is without drama like this, why willfully add more things to complicate your relationship in such a negative way?

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First of all, if you are going to have sex, WEAR A CONDOM.

I hope that you no longer have the disease and that you learned a lesson from all this.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned, I do not think that she will ever trust you again, so it is probably best to move on, and WEAR A CONDOM EVERY TIME, with every person that you have sex with.

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Your girlfriend did the right thing. You treated her with total disregard and disrespect. You're upset now because you got found out.

 

I left my boyfriend just over a month ago. It wasn't easy for me because I'd moved an entire country to be with him and would have done so much more for him because I loved him. What did I get in return.. he spent his entire savings in a strip club and was texting a stripper. Like you, he lied until I had him in a corner with his lies. That was probably the part that hurt most..

Today I woke up to spend the first weekend in my matchbox sized flat, on my own not having half the things I used to have just because he wanted to get his rocks off for one night. Like you, he can't believe somebody has left him and says he will do anything for me to go back. Fair enough, but next time he's feeling insecure or down he could end up sleeping with somebody (if he hadn't already)... For one night of fun he's destroyed my life.

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Wow, sounds like my relationship if I had just catch my husband 9 years ago at his lying. Instead, I found out 10 years in and 1 child with autism later. LET HER GO! You will never have the relationship you had again. SHE can never trust you like she did once you lied to her in the face like you have. I am there... I Know. I found out 5 years in he led about his alone porn over use and then just in November about cheating. He looked me in the eyes and told me lies over and over and now I can't trust him in anyway.

 

What you need to do is go get some help. Figure out why you are self-sabotaging yourself like this. Therapy and if need be prescription drugs at least at first. Let her know how sorry you are and how you are going for help because you are so sad you lost what you had together and then let her go. I am serious. If you care about her, make sure she knows it is because you are an F-up and it had nothing to do with her. SHE is in so much pain right now and on top of that the whole fact you contaminated her with an STD. IT COULD HAVE been HIV! I understand as I have to worry about the cancerous HPV now as one of the whores had surgery for it. She has every right to hate you and you should be sorry enough to want to make sure she at least doesn't feel like it is something wrong with her. Give her that much.

What was she having 4 month STD testing for anyway? DID she already no trust you?

 

Trying to fix your relationship has like a 3% chance of working. I have to leave my husband of 10 years because I can't believe him anymore. Every time he is late, everytime he gets a little drunk I wonder what he did with the other women when he was drunk and if there are more than I know about since I only found out on my own... He cheated twice that I know of and I can't let go that he is lying about just making out with them since he was alone both nights. The doubts created by you lying to her will always be there. Those people that say you can get over cheating are the ones who cheated themselves at some point. You can forgive, but you never trust the same.

 

You ruined a good thing, now the only thing to do is ask yourself why? Why did you do it? GO get help to answer that question and you will be a happier person, I promise. As I said, you sound like my husband before we married, but he hid it until after. He would turn things on me too. Stress would change him completely. Manipulating those you love out of fear is a sign of something really off. My husband only got worse as time went by and the depressions about life only ended up having him do more and more destruct things, but it cycled until it became much more the norm. The therapist I have seen thinks he might have been abused as a child and not remember it as that kind of destructiveness and fear based action often comes from trauma at a young age. It doesn't matter what screwed him up though because he hasn't gotten the help to work on it. I have wasted 8 years waiting.

 

NOW he has lost his wife and adoring son and he doesn't even know it yet.

You don't want this 10 years from now. Get the help now so you stop hurting yourself and other people. I also asked for complete honesty from my husband in the very beginning. I told him that is what love meant to me. He gave me the opposite. That is what hurts the most. Mistakes can happen, but the lying looking into my eyes. How can you believe anyone that lies like that? You can't love someone if you can't understand and love yourself. Stop trying until you do that. You are just going to set yourself and others up for heartache. I hope you find someone that can guide you on understanding and working toward a happier life. Best of luck

 

Kat

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  • 3 years later...

Wow this is sure one of the saddest story I've ever read on a cheating forum. Have you tried going to counseling or psychologist?

 

No offense and won't judge you but she did what any women would have done. You would really have to put yourself in her shoes. Would you have taken her back if she cheated, played mind games, lied to your face and gave you a disease?

Just live and learn from this.

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I think you should do both her and you a favour and let her go. So that she can be with someone that respects her, but also so that you can deal with such issues that you have so that you are not burdening your partner with silly mistakes. This did not just affect you, but her as well, mentally, emotionally and now physically. A lot of people have depression, but if you new that you were hurting her, why did you sleep with her after cheating on her? So you not only CHOSE to make one stupid mistake (cheating on her), but TWO mistakes, (the other one being exposing her to a potential STD risk AFTER cheating on her with someone else). I've always believed that not matter how drunk you are, or what your mental state is, cheating is a CHOICE. So let her go and deal with the consequence. I just hope that this STD can be cleared up for her.

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