where is the ride going?

quite often i look out the bus or the subway and wonder where i am

its very weird experience, its like a total gap b/t last night and that moment when im commuting to school.

i also realize im holding a newspaper. the same old stuff, murders, violence, lottery winner.

i decide to ride the subway that day. i want to see where it goes beyond where i am supposed to go.

i turn off my phone, and just continue to stare out the window.

the blurs of grey walls and lights flutter and dance.

im late for school....why does it matter? i've been doing this for 3 years going to the same place, meeting the same people.

what is wrong with me im going to be late a part of me says. it wants to get off the next station and head back and feel really stupid.

but today i dont know, im driven by something i just gotta keep going to the end of line.

after a while i realize many people have gotten off and the train car is nearly empty except for a drug addict on the opposite side looking out the window.

i realize i am no different, unemployed, insignficant. except i carry a backpack full of books, the drug addict carries syringes or blood stained dollar bills.

i get off not knowing where i am. its raining. i should've brought an umbrelaa. how could i've prepared for it if i didn't know. wait i did the cloud was grey in the morning.

i plod onto the streets. its busy. filled with cars and loud noise. everyone is going somewhere. everyone has an objective. but not me. im jsut wandering the streets going nowhere but moving.

i squint my eyes the wind is blowing the rain in my face. i continue walking.

what am i doing. where am i going. why am i doing this.

i get angry. suddenly i realize it doesn't matter. i dont NEED to explain. i dont KNOW why and i will never know why.

classes probably started an hour ago. i can hear my professors monotone voice in the back of my head.

the rain must've stopped a while ago. my eyes have been relaxed for quite some time now. its cold, the wind hasn't stopped.

im not even hungry. i've been walking through this street all day. i realize the buildings have gotten smaller now. the roads are quieter. ther are less cars.

without thinkinjg i burst into a run. my bag...it must've slipped out of my hands on the way here....i suddenly start to panic but i continue to run in the oipposite direction.

my muscles groan with pain but i continue to run furiously at something to somewhere. my lungs begin to give. yes i'll kill myself by running i fantasize in my head. but as i pant and try catching my breath i am way too tired for fantasies.

im lost. oh man im lost. where the * * * * am i. where the * * * * is my bag! it has my books and months of class notes. waht a dumb * * * * ing piece of * * * * i am. what an idiot. i have to come up with a lie. "i got mugged", "someone stole it"

its night time, my pants are wet to the knees, my hair is soaked, i am sweating like crazy. i am no longer running. i just stop andj gaze at the city lights accross the river channel. the building lights dance gently on the water. the sky is dark blue. mountains are mere dark shadows.

wave of angst fills the air, i panick and start to sob, and just collapse on the bench. its starts to rain once more, but its warm to the touch.

i just want to sit there, my face facing the dark sky, the sensation of water hitting my skin puts me in a comfortable mood. i feel so free. i feel like i broke something today.

but something brilliant red and blue lights up the darkness i was enjoying. times up i think. the police have gotten to me. i'll get arrested, go to jail, or even get executed.

im bored i want to go home again. i call a taxi.

silence and the dark room welcomes with great joy. i lie down on my bed. i sleep peacefully.

then it strikes me....

i have a midterm tomorrow.

-_-;