"I married a gay man."

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this is a really interesting article from SELF magazine. really heartbreaking, a woman marries her college sweetheart, despite some red flags, and finds out halfway through the marriage he is gay.

Thanks for the article, annie. I read all of it. I was astounded to read that 1.5 million and 2.9 million American women who have ever been married had a husband who had had sex with another man! This wouldn't happen if being gay was acceptable (I was struck by the author's quote and I agree with it 100%):

"I believe it was intolerance and the fear of homosexuality that put me and my family through complete hell — and I hope none of that was in vain. Everyone has a fundamental right to be who he is, and I pray that Americans as a whole can become more accepting of homosexuals. Perhaps then, gay people won't feel the need to pretend they're straight and get married as a way to "prove" it to everyone else."

It's a heartbreaking story. I've read and heard about similar experiences.

Here's my thinking on it:

This is not so much about whether the man is gay or not - he's obviously bisexual. It's about infidelity. The man is choosing to be unfaithful to his wife to satisfy his sexual urges, similar to any heterosexual man who has sex with women outside his marriage.

yes - that sentence struck me too. if chris had been free and unjudged to love whomever in the first place, none of this would have happened.

It's a heartbreaking story. I've read and heard about similar experiences.

 

Here's my thinking on it:

This is not so much about whether the man is gay or not - he's obviously bisexual. It's about infidelity. The man is choosing to be unfaithful to his wife to satisfy his sexual urges, similar to any heterosexual man who has sex with women outside his marriage.

i don't think he is bisexual - like she said in the article, he had a very hard time being able to have sex with her - they'd only do it in the position where she was flipped over, and he was entering her from behind, etc.... it seems like he was just having sex with her to continue the lie to the outside world.

Not to say there aren't bisexual men...but this guy Chris is gay. On another note, some men say they are bisexual before fully coming out of the closet as gay. I imagine that it's not that they want to 'fool' anyone; for some finding out that they're gay is a gradual process.

But again, if homosexuality was more accepted as being the norm (along with heterosexuality). None of this heartbreak would happen.

Unfortunately homosexuality is NOT the norm, and will probably never be accepted as that.

We have come a long way in society to accept or atleast pretend that homosexuality is A ok, but the reality is, that there is still a very strong under current of homophobia in society.

Not to turn this into a religious thread, but the most powerful institutions in the world DO NOT accept homosexuality, thereforee how can it's followers.

What he did, IMO was inexcusable. He knowingly entered into ruining the life of another human being because of his own fear and lack of personal accountability for who he is. It is not as though he abstained from being promiscuous with other men and lived a lie to himself. He is the scum of society. Not for being gay, but for being who he is.

Homosexuality has been around since the beginning of time; thereforeee-I believe it is a norm. One of several norms.

I read a passage in the bible stating for a man not to lie with another man as if were his wife. That passage ticked me off honestly. What is a gay man supposed to do. Marry a straight woman--then what? Again not turning this into a religious thread-but intending to just express my own opinion-that passage seriously got me questioning the validity of the bible.

I personally do not believe in dualistic sexual orientation - 100% heterosexual versus 100% gay. I think most people are on a continuum and we're forced to identify with one or the other due to societal pressure.

The man chose to be unfaithful rather than to be honest with his wife about his sexual preferences. It would be similar to a man who had any non-traditional or taboo sexual preference and remained in a marriage that did not allow him to fulfill those desires, and then went outside the marriage to fulfill that desire. The man wasn't honest with himself about what he truly needed to be sexually fulfilled and I'm not sure I buy the idea that the only reason he was unfaithful is because he couldn't come out of the closet. Just my opinion, based on discussions with many friends who are gay-identified and bisexual.

I totally agree on the bible comment, I am not religious for a number of reasons. I do not believe that homosexuals "go to hell" nor do i believe what they do is wrong.

However, it is not the norm on a number of levels, which i won't get into here.

I do however believe that we are ALL human beings and emotional creatures, and that what this man did was an absolute cowardly disgrace.

Things such as murder, infanticide, paedophilia, rape etc etc etc have also been around since the beggining of time. However that does not make them the norm or any sort of norm.

I agree niceguy.

Just because this guy has been hiding his homosexuality and living a lie does'nt give him a free pass to sympathy, and the fact that he's a cheat should'nt get overlooked.. No excuse to go on the streets and **** about. What could he have given his wife by having sex or oral with all these strange men in the backs of clubs?

Things such as murder, infanticide, paedophilia, rape etc etc etc have also been around since the beggining of time. However that does not make them the norm or any sort of norm.

Being gay doesn't compare to murder, infanticide, paedophilia, rape.

Being gay is a sexual orientation. Isn't sex normal?

I think this happens a lot. I am very skeptical of men being bisexual....I think most are gay with a high sex drive who were able to sleep with women but who are in fact gay.

JMO. I never meant a bi man who wasn't just gay with a high sexdrive.

I totally agree on the bible comment, I am not religious for a number of reasons. I do not believe that homosexuals "go to hell" nor do i believe what they do is wrong.

 

However, it is not the norm on a number of levels, which i won't get into here.

I do however believe that we are ALL human beings and emotional creatures, and that what this man did was an absolute cowardly disgrace.

 

Things such as murder, infanticide, paedophilia, rape etc etc etc have also been around since the beggining of time. However that does not make them the norm or any sort of norm.

I agree. I don't think being gay is the "norm" but i also don't think it is "wrong". Some people are born gay but that doesn't mean it is the norm.

But it is not to be judged or criticized IMO>

This guy was in the wrong for living a lie and making this woman suffer for his poor choices. Like GRR said this doesn't give him some sympathy card. Cheating is wrong and he put his wife at risk. He is not to be pitied IMO.

1.5 million and 2.9 million American women who have ever been married had a husband who had had sex with another man

That figure blows my mind.

How many American women are married?

What % does this translate to?

Being gay doesn't compare to murder, infanticide, paedophilia, rape.

 

Being gay is a sexual orientation. Isn't sex normal?

I was using those extreme examples as a condition of what constitutes "norm" not as a condition of one being worse than the other.

Just a nit picking point i was making on the term "norm"

I think this happens a lot. I am very skeptical of men being bisexual....I think most are gay with a high sex drive who were able to sleep with women but who are in fact gay.

 

JMO. I never meant a bi man who wasn't just gay with a high sexdrive.

a good male friend of mine recently told me he has bisexual tendencies. He DEFINITELY prefers women. He's very open withme and has told me that while he sometimes sleeps with men, he's more swayed towards women.

^^I'm still skeptical of it Cairo...nothing scientific to back it, just a hunch. It might exist but i am skeptical.

JS - If a man sleeps with men and women, he is bisexual regardless of his sex drive. I know plenty of bisexual men with low sex drives. I understand your gut feeling but it's not always the reality.

The reason I know so many people who are open about their sexual orientation is because I went to undergrad in the San Francisco area. People discuss this in the local papers, over dinner, etc. People are very open about sexual issues there.

The saddest thing about situations like this, other than the deception of course, is that often the man will not take precautions and he risks passing on STDs to his wife. In the article, the only reason she found out was because of chlamydia. But there is an even worse risk of HIV.

I almost didn't want to read this article, but I'm glad that I have.

It makes me feel so good that God saved me from that horrible fate. I too was in "denial". I loved my fiance. I loved him with all of my heart. But I knew.

I would have married him with that knowledge, and as a result my life would have been really screwed up.

I got tested for everything under the sun, after I slept with him last, just as I did when I was raped.

Because I couldn't trust him, you know?

And it's sad. It's hard to be in love with a man that can never love you in the same way you love him.

And you feel really betrayed, because if you would have known up front, you would have never gotten involved with him.

And it's a little challenging, even after a relationship ends.

Because me, although I hate to say this, I still love him. I'm definitely not in love with him. But I love him as a person.

And yet I wonder if I even knew who he was as a person. What was real and what wasn't?

It makes you much less trusting of men. Life seems easier lived without them.

But moreso, it makes you vow to never ignore another red flag again.

Oh.my.freakin.gosh!!!

I read the first page and figured I had read enough. But why is the whole marriage dating thing totally like the experience I had with my fiance?!!! So freakin weird!!! Whew! Just everything! Is that typical?

If only I had read this article early on in my relationship with my ex, maybe then I would have seen the pointlessness of the charade.

That is freakin off-the-hook-ridiculous.

hey grace - well, at least you didn't marry him, that is good. don't be distrustful of men, i guess just keep your eyes open when it comes to their behavior and if you want to 150% committ yourself to this one person.

Hey Annie!!!

Thanks so much for the advice. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE all of your cute cat pictures!!!! I am the biggest cat fanatic!!!

I'm healing, and I'm so grateful for that.

Rape, and a homosexual fiance were the last nails in the coffin of my willingness to trust men, LOL!

Although I feel so free now.

But girl, let me tell you, I can spot the bad ones from a distance now.

I've been doing a lot of reading, and reflecting, and from now on my intuition will get the highest priority.

JS - If a man sleeps with men and women, he is bisexual regardless of his sex drive. I know plenty of bisexual men with low sex drives. I understand your gut feeling but it's not always the reality.

 

The reason I know so many people who are open about their sexual orientation is because I went to undergrad in the San Francisco area. People discuss this in the local papers, over dinner, etc. People are very open about sexual issues there.

 

The saddest thing about situations like this, other than the deception of course, is that often the man will not take precautions and he risks passing on STDs to his wife. In the article, the only reason she found out was because of chlamydia. But there is an even worse risk of HIV.

Bisexuality is a term, it does not necessarily profess true orientation. you are speaking of it in terms of semantics. I am talking about it in terms of one's true preference. Every bi man i ever met was a homosexual in disguise. That has been my experience and i know a lot of gay and bi people and they are my friends...so I am not closed minded at all. I am just not naive. Like i said prior i am not saying it can't exist (male bisexuality) but i have yet to meet a bi male who wasn't gay who just had a high enough sex drive to go both ways.

Ironcially it is different for most women.

Okay, JS, I understand. Bisexual behavior is different than sexual orientation.

However, when you say, "Every bi man i ever met was a homosexual in disguise," my personal experience is different. I have a close male friend who exhibits bisexual behavior, has a low sex drive, dated only women in high school, had a 10 year monogamous relationship with a man, and now only dates/has sex with women (and for the most part is no longer sexually attracted to men). He initially self-identified as heterosexual, then he self-identified as gay. Now he self-identifies as bisexual.

I had a friend in high school who dated this guy for 3-4 years. Some people would sometimes joke about how he was gay, but they would talk about getting married some day, etc... One day, he told her that he was gay. It was such a painful time for her, and it was a healing process. It's a good thing he was honest though, because now they are each with new partners, and they're both clearly very happy. They're the best of friends now too, kind of Will and Grace-esque