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Thread: Finding yourself after a breakup...

  1. #1
    pestilence
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    Lightbulb Finding yourself after a breakup...

    I'm feeling a little lost, but maybe not in the sense I once thought. I need things to fill my time, and a few new souls to meet doing something we all enjoy doing collectively.

    My ex-girlfriend left just before Christmas 2007 after 8 years together. While I do not know what she is doing with her time on a daily basis, I was notified rather harshly by her friend that she is dating a new person. The issue I have with this is that she has someone she can talk to, and spend time with if she doesn't have any other activities to fill her time. Meanwhile, I'm left with the pieces.

    I'm 28 and I moved to Toronto two years ago and due to work and trying to spend time with the ex, I didn't do anything for my own well-being or spare time. Sure, I tried to get out and do things, but it never happened because I felt like I would be excluding her. So I never got my "socializing" needs met, and I should have. I made a move to this city not only for the job, but to become more out-going. I met a small group of people from work who I spend time with occasionally. Right now though, I do not have an office job. You may think of that as wonderful, and in some ways it is, however, I find that you pay with the lack of a social life.

    Now I'm in a situation where I don't want to monopolize friend's time (most of whom live within an hour's drive of me), moping about a failed relationship if we aren't doing something fun or productive, and I do not want to stay home alone either. I also do not want to be bored, sitting on the computer surfing aimlessly day in and day out. I simply wish to move on with my life and try my best to heal from this breakup and at the same time gain some new friends with whom I don't have to think about the breakup with.

    People have advised me to pick up a hobby now that my free time is my own. Well, I don't know what I want to do! I especially would like to find something that you can do in groups, as my ultimate goals are to have a decent social circle and meet someone new. I want to make friends not just acquaintances.

    Were you ever in my situation? What did you do to combat the loneliness? What did you to do map out your time effectively? What can I do right now this winter that is enjoyable either outside or in? How did you discover a new hobby, passion, etc? Are you surprised at the new activity? Was there any activities that you would stay away from?

    I should also say that I would like to meet new people, male and female alike, around my age, for any activities really. If anyone is up for a chat or an actual coffee or anything of the sort from the Toronto area, let me know.

    Reply here, or PM me or look up my profile information!
    Last edited by pestilence; 02-22-2008 at 11:47 AM.

  2. #2
    I'mThatGirl
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    I can relate. Was in an on again / off again relationship for a year and a half. Every time it was "off again," he'd go out hanging out with friends, bowling, etc. etc. I stayed at home frustrated that I didn't have anything to do or new way to meet people. Plus I have children so it's a little difficult to go out and focus on meeting people.

    Are there any activities that you enjoy or used to enjoy? I use myspace kind of to meet friends. It's been okay. Also, getting in touch with all my girlfriends to hang out shopping or even at their house or mine. Don't worry so much about taking up your friends time... If they are available, I'm sure they'd want to be there to help you out!

  3. #3
    lady00
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    I think it's more of a question of rediscovering yourself. I like to look at it this way: we were each full and complete people before we ever met our exes and there were so many facets to us that, some of which have been overshadowed by the breakup and subsequent healing...so part of it is really embracing that and rediscovering what is latent within us.

  4. #4
    pestilence
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    I'mThatGirl:

    That's just it. I've been focused on the relationship for so long I missed out on things I should have done, and other than a few things like sailing, learning the guitar, programming on the computer, rollerblading, cycling (a desire right now, as I don't have a bike), there are other things like skiing/waterskiing, outdoorsy stuff that I'd like to do but I don't know where to start!

    I just don't want to be 35 and having done nothing. I just can't seem to make it over the current bump in the road that would lead me to get myself out there and meet stange new people - after all, the circle of friends I have now are great, but they do have their own lives (and again, some of them don't live in town) too.

    Having kids must be a blessing to you, but right now I don't have any and thereforeee don't spend my time spending time with them.

    Does anyone have any ideas about how to start something new or meeting new people , maybe people who may be in the same situation as myself?

    lady00:

    I understand what you are saying wholeheartedly! I guess it was difficult for me to say no to my girlfriend when I wanted to do something that would make me happy - she seemed to get angry when I would go out and do things or exclude her. I suppose that's one quality of hers I don't like that I will learn to battle in the future with relationships and myself in general. Live and learn on that one, I suppose.
    Last edited by pestilence; 02-22-2008 at 12:52 PM.

  5. #5
    Stambler

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    Here's what I have finally learned...

    If you do things the right way, you won't need to find yourself after a breakup, becasue you will never lose yourself in a relationship.

  6. #6
    I'mThatGirl
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    You just have to do it!!!! This is the thing, I sat for months thinking, well I have my kids.... I don't have time... I don't know how to do this!!!

    I had changed so much and allowed that relationship to define my every move, my every bit of energy. I lost myself. I could blame him but I'm the one who allowed it to happen.

    So anyhow - I have learned this time that the best way to go is to grab onto anything and quickly! No making excuses for why I haven't began to live the life I want to and be as happy as I want to. No obstacles going to keep me down. I've lost almost two years of my life in a sense and I don't want to lose anymore.

    I guess it just came down to attitude for me. I know it's scary - I know it's hard and there are a million directions to go in. But just gooooo - go live and experience life!

  7. #7
    pestilence
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    Sorry, I don't think I was clear enough. To you and other members here who were in a similar situation, what did you do to combat the loneliness or the feeling you needed a new hobby?

    I'm not very creative and I'm looking for ideas and/or things that would jump start a creative process in my head that would help generate a list of activities I might want to explore!

    What activities did you immerse yourselves in, was it rewarding, if so, why, and if not, why and what did you do afterwards?

    Thanks!

  8. #8
    1HelluvaGirl
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    Quote Originally Posted by pestilence [Register to see the link]
    Sorry, I don't think I was clear enough. To you and other members here who were in a similar situation, what did you do to combat the loneliness or the feeling you needed a new hobby?

    I'm not very creative and I'm looking for ideas and/or things that would jump start a creative process in my head that would help generate a list of activities I might want to explore!

    What activities did you immerse yourselves in, was it rewarding, if so, why, and if not, why and what did you do afterwards?

    Thanks!
    Hi,
    I found myself in the same position as you. I didn't want to mope around but I also needed to get out of the house. Here are the steps I took:
    - I let all my close friends know that I was now single, and I was interested in being more active and hanging out. This way, even if I couldn't think of something fun to do, maybe they were doing something fun and would include me
    - I love to snowboard, so I told all my snowboarding buddies that I was up for any trip, any time, any where. I have now been on 4 snowboarding trips since the breakup!
    - I go to the gym more. Rather than sitting at home, I head out of the house and go to the gym. Being around people is healthy, and working out is healthy, so it's a win-win.

    Do you have a dog that you can bring to the dog park or hiking? Do you own a bike? Have you checked out the local hiking, biking, or running clubs in your town (not sure if any of these interest you, but it's a good start!)

    Have you organized a happy hour or social outing with people from your work? It's a great way to make friends and get introduced to their friends.

    Have you thought about volunteering at a local hospital or homeless shelter? It will make you feel good to spend some of your free time helping others, and it may help you become more social in general.

    Anyways, these are just some ideas. Hope they help!

  9. #9
    CallingAllAngels
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    Quote Originally Posted by pestilence [Register to see the link]
    Now I'm in a situation where I don't want to monopolize friend's time (most of whom live within an hour's drive of me), moping about a failed relationship if we aren't doing something fun or productive, and I do not want to stay home alone either. I also do not want to be bored, sitting on the computer surfing aimlessly day in and day out. I simply wish to move on with my life and try my best to heal from this breakup and at the same time gain some new friends with whom I don't have to think about the breakup with.
    I know how you feel.

    Most of my friends are married and have kids, or have steady boyfriends and are not available to do stuff.

    It really is hard to start over. I don't know where to begin either. But, I know that to HAVE a friend you need to BE a friend.

    You don't need to "mope" around your friends all the time. It's not necessary to be "down". How about trying to be more "upbeat"? I KNOW THIS IS NOT EASY!!!!!! TRUST ME! But even if you have to fake it to get together just one night a week with them for drinks or dinner...eventually you'll meet other people though them.

    Try keeping a POSITIVE ATTITUDE. I believe in that. I really do. I know we all have our down times (I HAVE HAD MANY) but, no one wants to be around someone who is CONSTANTLY negative.

    Think about it. Try changing your thinking. It may work!

    I wish you the best...

    ~Allie

  10. #10
    Tinnes
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    Before my relationship, I had so many friends. Both male and fimale. My male friends introduce me to him and a year after we started a relationship. Next 3 years we were still going out together and had fun.

    When we broke up, 7 months ago, all my male friends remained friends with my ex. Every day and night they were going out with him. Rarely any of them called me to ask me how am I feel, or to go out for a drink.

    That pain of rejection I'll never forget. More because I was always great towards all my friends, which is not the case with my ex. But, guys are guys...

    Even I felt as the last person on the Earth, I started to go out with female friends. Met so many new people, guys... Later on, I entered a course of foreign language, where I met great guys. Found a new company for going out and with them met so many people. Now when I go out I know so many people that sometimes I forget I met some of them!

    My male "friends" are again around me, want to hang out with me, also ex is around... But they are not worth of my attention any more.

    It is important to move on. There are lot of people out there and lot of possibilities.

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