I love him BUT...

There’s a guy I met over the internet about a year ago whom I’m in love with, and him with me also. Everything is great, I completely trust him (I know he’s not some weirdo-I know about his life, his family, his job, etc.) and he trusts me. Everything is perfect except for the fact that he’s never shown me recent pictures of him nor put his webcam.

I’ve showed him recent pictures of me, and I put my webcam at least once a week, but I still don’t completely know what he’s like. He’s 10 years older and he has sent me 2 pretty old and blurry pictures of him, one when he was a LOT younger and the other was too blurry and small to see. I hinted once about me wanting to see him by webcam but he said something about it not being compatible with his laptop but that he will see what he can do. It’s been about a month since that and I guess he won’t be showing me.

I feel that the reason he doesn’t want to send me recent pictures or buy a webcam (and I know buying one is no problem for him-in fact when mine got broken he offered to send me one) is because he feels insecure, I think he might think he is not attractive enough for me and that I might fall out of love when I see him. But I won’t! I already love him!

Anyway I don’t want to be too pushy so how can I bring out the webcam thing or pictures again without making him feel uncomfortable? I’ve waited a year already, I want to know what he’s like! I don’t want to ask him directly, “hey can you already buy a webcam or send me some pictures?!”… maybe just give him some subtle hints…like I said I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.

So....um, does he plan on ever meeting you? Because this is not consistent with someone whom would want to meet you...is he going to wear a paper bag on his head? I have nothing against meeting someone online (I met my partner online) but you need to meet them at some point...this indefinite on line thing is really not something that can go on forever, and you should meet earlier rather than later to see if things in real life work too.

I don't know....I just don't see much potential for a relationship where someone is not willing to show whom they are and is not being really very truthful about themselves.

You may have feelings for him, but until you can actually meet him and have time with him you don't know if his real life self will be consistent with his portrayal of whom he is and honestly, I would be pretty uncomfortable if after a YEAR he is still hiding what he looks like. Looks aren't everything....but I sure would want to know I am attracted to him and to see if he is really whom he says he is (and he is not some 80 year old married man).

welcome to enotalone - i agree with raykay 100%. i have nothing against meeting online either, i have also done online dating...... but he sounds very sketchy. i think he's probably married and about 30 years older than you. i think if he were genuine, he would have suggested meeting you within just a few weeks of talking online. i think this man is not who he says he is, otherwise, he would have gone out and bought a webcam about 11 months ago.

forget. him. fast.

I've done some online dating and a person who hasn't sent you a recent pic or showed you himself on a webcam is a red flag.

I was talking to a girl online for a year and she just showed me a pic of her 3 weeks ago, but I was quite concerned about why she couldn't show me a picture of her so I gave her an ultimatum

Oh, of course we plan on meeting some day. The reason it hasn't happened sooner is because we live in different countries right now. He's also been travelling a lot because of his job. But sometime this year, when we both have vacations, we plan on seeing each other, and being together some time in the future. Now like I said, I do trust him and I'm about 99% sure he is not 30 years older than me and married. I just think he feels very uncomfortable sending me pictures of him or putting his webcam, which I can understand because he might not be too photogenic or whatever, and because he is older than me, he might think that after seeing him I will like him less.

He has sent me old pictures of him but in one he was like 18 and he is now 30 and in the other he came out too small and blurry to be able to see clearly, but I know for sure they are his pictures. I just don't want to ask him again because I've already asked him once about seeing him by webcam and hinted at least 2 times that I'd like to see him, but he just makes excuses. I don't know

I agree with the other posters. This has been going on for year and ultimately if he wants this relationship to go somewhere you are going to have to see what he looks like and (*gasp!*) perhaps actually meet him.

I think you just need to be direct with him- tell him you care for him and you want to see what he looks like, now-- not 10 years ago.

If he keeps making excuses and dancing around the subject that's a pretty good indication that he's misrepresenting himself or has something to hide-- not a good sign for the future of your relationship.

Oh by the way, it wasn't an online dating site where we met. Neither of us were looking for love. Me met in a chatroom, so sending pictures is not I guess really obligatory as it would be if I had met him on an online dating site, but I'd still like to see him!!

if he sent you a picture of him when he was 18 and he's 30 now. A lot of things I'm sure have changed about how he looks. If he's making excuses, then don't turn on your webcam or send him anymore pictures of you until he shows you his picture

Sorry, still seems shady. Even if someone is not photogenic, there has to be SOME pictures of them that are decent.

I don't know...it all seems rather fishy to me...lot of "ifs" in there and making excuses for him. I am sure in your GUT you know that not providing a picture after a YEAR is off.

pu-leaaaassse!!!!! he is lying to you. absolutely. i have known people online for far less time, and sent them my photo, even if they 'travel a lot' or are very busy or live in a different country. and if you two are in a 'relationship' then he should have now problem sending you his photo. especially since he knows that you 'love' him - he should know that the looks are not so important, just you want to know who he is!

a man who is genuine will send you a CURRENT photo and get a webcam.

seriously. webcams are NOT expensive, and most long distance couples i know have one. he hasn't gotten one. he is lying to you. he is absolutely married and much older than you. or a teenage boy. or an old lady. who knows? you sure don't!!!

seriously, trust me on this one. as a person who has done online dating and had relationships come out of it, single available men will ask you out on a date, even if it means hopping a plane to see you.

this man, you need to forget. him. now.

or..... give him an ultimatum.... if he doesn't get a webcam in the next week, dump him.

webcams are less than 40 dollars, he doesn't even a real fancy one either.

He still seems sketchy.

^^^^^ yes, very sketchy.

The bottom line is that you are dating him- you deserve to know what he looks like now.

Embarrassment is one thing but if he has any hope of a relationship with you he's going to have to let you see him.

If he keeps this nonsense up I would be suspicious he actually has something to hide (and not a less than perfect figure.)

I think you are in over your head, and "not wanting to make him uncomfortable" now needs to take a back seat to finding out the truth.

Asking to know what someone looks like who you say you "trust completely, and him to you too" and "am in love with" is not an unreasonable request.

It's not an unreasonable request even for someone who you are considering first dating.

If he honestly would like to see where this can go, and has some emotional maturity (both things you want!), he'll take your reasonable request with good humor and make it happen.

Your heart is on the line now so it is definetly time to speak up! The liars and less desirables of the dating world often, often! exploit such opportunities as when a person is silent about their needs and desires in order to not "sound rude" or "make someone uncomfortable" .

Better to find out now.

Annie24: I know for sure he is not married. If he was, he wouldn't talk to me as much as he does, I talk to him almost every night, and I know his cell phone number. He doesn't live at home right now as he is working abroad. He is not lying to me. He has bought me gifts, which he can't send because I tell him it might cause a problem in my house, but he takes pictures of them and sends them to me. Oh I just realized if he has sent pictures of the gifts he can take one of himself and send it!! Ok and next time he asks me for my webcam, I will take that opportunity to ask him about HIS! I'll try not to feel bad asking him anymore.

I agree that it sounds a little fishy - when I was younger I had a guy who only sent a picture or two and wouldn't do webcam even though I did mine, etc. I pushed some but backed off when he refused - I found out five years later (I was thirteen at the time) that he was in his sixties. You don't have to approach it as a challenge (Ie, photo NOW or I leave!), but I do suggest bringing it up and soon, and if he refuses to share a picture of himself, take it as the red flag that it is.

You mention that him sending you gifts would cause a problem in your house, so he takes pictures of what he gets you and sends you the pictures - mind if I ask why receiving the gifts would be trouble?

Being married would not mean he could not spend hours talking to you. No one said he was loyal to his marriage (if he is)...in fact he isn't. And what does having cell # have to do with it? People whom are cheating are masters at hiding things. That is what they do. Not "living at home right now" is a convenient way to get out of giving home phone numbers.

Buying you gifts he can't send? Are you really sure he is buying them. Because well, that is rather dumb if he can't send them, and why buy them if he can just take a pic and tell you he bought it.

All this is VERY shady.

You have no idea if that old picture(s) are even OF him or not. He can say they are - does not mean they are.

I think this guy is taking you for a ride....there is NO reason he cannot give you a picture after a year...

yeah, if he has a camera phone he can take a pic of himself. If he can take a picture of gifts, he can take a picture of himself.

The thing is you don't really know about him in person.

yeah, exactly, if he can send you photos of 'presents', then why can't he turn around the photo or point it in the mirror. sure, it's not such a glamorous photo, but at least you would have a general idea! just like you said.

no, you shouldn't feel bad.

i don't know what his deal is, but i gaurantee that he is misrepresenting himself to you in some way or another....

why would him sending you presents cause a problem? do you have strict parents or something?

i would just tell him that you will not webcam or contact him anymore until he gets a webcam and shows himself.

seriously, i think you are being taken for a ride. i have seen it happen to women who are smart, but they meet someone who has a lot of 'excuses' why he can't show himself.... hmmmm.

i understand that you didn't meet on a dating site. but i have shown myself to other forums, like here, many people have seen photos of me. it's not a dating site at all. but i am who i say i am.

and annie--i love the shade of blue you are..you're gorgeous (pertaining to your avatar)

Well he can't send the gifts because I live with my mom, who is very strict, she doesn't know about my cyber relationship and I don't want her asking questions in case she sees the gifts.

Ok, I'll try to find the right opportunity to ask him about the webcam and pictures. You guys are really making me start having doubts, honestly this guy seems very sincere and honest!! I know he's not married or very old. Those don't have to be reasons he hasn't sent me pictures. Maybe I just haven't insisted enough, which I will now...

bebe..you've been talking to this guy over a year, he hasn't shown you a recent pic of himself or of him on a webcam. He's shown you older pics of him and he shows you gifts that he's gotten you via his camera phone, when it takes 2 seconds to take a pic of himself and 2 secs to send you his picture. All of it adding up seems very sketchy and signs point to "red flags"

Good for you. Insist! Insist.

And he finds a million and one excuses now, what will you do?

how do you KNOW that he is not married or old? you have not met him in person, you don't know he is who he says he is, and you haven't seen him on webcam. he can even send you a photo of whoever, his nephew, and say that is him. people have done it before!

i even know people on other sites, even enotalone!!!! who have confessed to 'stringing people along' online for the fun of it.

In fact I'm talking to him right this moment. Now that you guys put these doubts in my head about him being married or very old I'm seeing him different jaja. Ok I'm going to ask him about the pictures or webcam. I'll post his response here so you guys can tell me what you think.