Jump to content

Why do women go back to abusers? Please Read


NiceGuy76

Recommended Posts

Just wondering...I have read a lot on it the past few days and it is still baffling.

 

My ex gf got into a relationship with a guy, and typically he was wonderful (she told me that) at first then slowly started abusing until it became physical. Anyways she had him arrested and a restraining order on him. She called me out of the blue months ago and we hung out for a few months.

 

We had a good time, but things were a little rocky at first. I thought things were going well and then she said "i need space". I gave it to her...we saw each other a couple more times in a three week period. All of a sudden she cut off all contact and became really cruel and mean towards me.

 

Well, I found out she is back with him. That is just crazy!!! After what he did to her she is going back to that? Its going to happen again isn't it? Anyways, I was trying to talk to her and she threatened me with a restraining order and wants me to stop contacting her. She knows I would never harm her and she left me a voicemail saying that all contact needs to stop...the abuser guy was there because she said "He wants to bash your face in and if you do not stop contacting me he and his friends will hurt you bad". Can she get a restraining order against me? She is hanging out with the guy she has a restraining order on and that beat her...and she threw him in jail. I am just amazed.

 

She has lost her mind I think...it is really sad to see what that (abuse) will do to someone. She is not even acting like the person I once loved and knew.

 

Why do women do that?

Link to comment

well its not only women- men do it too. You see it is very hard for the human mind to get around the 'fairy tale idea of happily ever after' coming to an end when it wasnt supposed to. We cant seem to believe that the fantasy is over when our partner starts abusing us...so we go back and back again to save that 'fantasy'- Crazy though it may seem.

 

Some people also have the personality trait that they think they can save and reform everyone( I am one of them) so we keep on going back thinking that we can change things and them and then everything will go back to happily ever after...

Link to comment

You have to realize abuse is a cycle. I work with abused women a few times a month and it is very common to see them go back to their abusers over and over again - until they are truly READY to leave.

 

By the way, men are abused too....and I see men do the same thing with emotionally abusive women.

 

The problem with abusive relationships is that they are not ALWAYS abusive. They are often marked by real "highs" too.....their partners are often addicted to

them and when they are not abusing them may make them feel very "desired" and needed. The low periods (abusive periods) are marked at the end often by these highs....and eventually while the high periods themselves get lower and less frequent, the abused person "lives" for those highs again feeling that things will get better....and often they live for the approval of the one whom hurts them the most as they are often over time beat down into someone whom believes this is what they deserve and they are "lucky" their partner even wants them.

 

For others, it is also plain fear of leaving. The most dangerous time for an abused person is when they are leaving/after they leave. That for most abusers is a massive trigger, and it is often when the violent cycle ends in death. Many have been cut off from family, friends, social networks and support to get out and feel trapped.

 

As for restraining order...if she does feel you are harassing her, she may be able to get one. As for the one she has one against...not sure how it works there but here at least ANYONE can call and say it is being violated and the guy can be arrested (not just the one whom had the order taken out). So if the restraining order still stands between them, depending on where they are, he can still be considered in violation even if they are together.

Link to comment

I agree.

 

While I never was abused exactly by my ex wife, she did a number of very hurtful, mean, and cruel things to me. Things whose only purpose was to cause me misery and suffering.

 

Despite this, I always gave her another chance. I guess because deep down, I never believed that she meant to do it. I thought that she was just being emotional, and that she really loved me underneath it all.

 

Truth is, if you care about someone, you'll probably let them get away with much more than you should.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

I can totally relate to where you are coming from right now.

 

One of my close friends is getting back with her ex. He emotionally & abuses her, attempted to kidnap their child, and threatened to hurt her ( soooo many times).

 

She has called the police to her house (multiple times), changed her phone number, and got a restraining order.

 

Now she is violating the protection order to sleep with him (without any forms of contraspectives....beyond sad, like she needs another child by him).

 

Talk about disturbing.

 

She is my friend, and I love her dearly.

 

Of course I've spoken with her about it, but it doesn't seem to get through.

 

I have no idea why women go back.

Getting away is hard enough already.

 

When I got out of an abusive relationship, I stayed out.

 

So, I don't understand it either. Just wanted you to know that I know where you are coming from, and I empathize with you.

Link to comment
  • 1 year later...

I'm going through this right now. Just 'celebrated' my 10 year anniversary to a guy who started abusing me within an hour of being married. We're supposed to mediate next week after having been separated for months. And our son has developed some sudden scary medical issues.

 

For one thing, abusers are two-faced, charming and extremely manipulative. They are they worlds best liars. Most people who know my husband, even some of my own brothers and sisters, never see the abuse and can't possibly believe he's capable of it. On top of it he's painted me for years as an overly emotional, reactive, thin-skinned and depressed person. This is because he'd reduce me to tears just before we'd go hang out with anyone. They see what he tells them to see.

 

Meanwhile, I covered for the abuse because I thought if anyone else knew they'd never forgive him like I could, if he'd stop. Now I've got even my own family questioning me and pointing out how sweet he's being and how penitent he seems and all the nice things he's doing for everyone and so on. It is hard to feel so incredibly alone! And he -does- seem nice. I am about 50% sure it's a sham like all the other times.

 

Think I should go back? He loves our son like no one else and it'd be nice to have someone to understand what I'm going through. And he seems very nice about it. Now he's telling me "we" just didn't try hard enough and I am not trying hard enough now and if I would we could make things work.

 

Do YOU think I ought to go back?

Link to comment
  • 1 year later...

its been a while since this thread had a response and after watching the world premiere of this movie last night, I began googling on line to see if there are "signs" of abusive relationships and why I have failed to recognize it and more importantly still fail to admit to it.

 

I've talked myself into seeking help many times but always end up failing appointments because I convinced myself that I'm ok and that I don't need help.

 

I know at this point I am babbling but I'm Hoping to find some support and guidance here in helping me stop this vicous cycle. I already read the thread, read the related link.

 

Im pretty sure I am in an abusive relationship to a certain extent but I keep going back to it, craving it like it's an addiction. Can someone please offer some advice? Thanks..

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
The problem with abusive relationships is that they are not ALWAYS abusive. They are often marked by real "highs" too.....their partners are often addicted to

them and when they are not abusing them may make them feel very "desired" and needed. The low periods (abusive periods) are marked at the end often by these highs....and eventually while the high periods themselves get lower and less frequent, the abused person "lives" for those highs again feeling that things will get better....and often they live for the approval of the one whom hurts them the most as they are often over time beat down into someone whom believes this is what they deserve and they are "lucky" their partner even wants them.

 

Wow...I wish I had read this before I posted my thread:

 

 

 

This essentially answers the very question I was asking, which was, why on earth do I crave him so much?

 

The "highs" WERE incredible...I felt like the most beautiful, loved woman in the entire world. He was very eloquent and well-spoken, and smart enough to learn exactly how to push my buttons, both good and bad. He knew exactly what to say to soothe the emotional blows, and he knew exactly what to say to crush me. I began to do and say exactly what I thought it would take to achieve those "highs", and yes, they became less and less frequent, forcing me to grovel even more to get there. And yeah...I began to feel that I was lucky he was even staying with me at all...in fact, since we've been broken up, one day he complained that I was a pain in his behind, and I asked him how he put up with me...he just shrugged and said, "I manage." Even as I write this, I can see the ludicrousness of it, and yet, I still want to be with him so much...

 

I know the relationship was not good for me, and has changed me for the worse. And yet, I find myself fantasizing that he wants me back, which frankly, is very likely to happen at some point, since he's broken up with me 5 times total and has always come back. I am trying VERY hard to understand and get past the desire to be back with him, so that when/if it happens, I will be strong enough to say, "Um, NO THANKS"...

 

Thank you for this, it was incredibly well-said, and a lot better than simply being told that something is "wrong with me". It has given me a lot to consider.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Oneironaut - That pull toward your abuser is fairly normal as you read above - it is by no means something "wrong" with you. Have you considered finding a support group in your area? It may help to have others to talk to who understand what you're struggling with and will give you emotional support to help you keep on track.

Link to comment
  • 4 months later...

I am in a similar situation and can use some advice:

I met this woman online last April. We hit it off right away. She has two young boys that are great. The problem was her ex (the boys' father) that abused her for years. Physically and emotionally. She said she loved me and I freaked out. Part of it was the whole commitment thing and the other was that I was afraid my family would disapprove of me being with a single mother. I broke it off with her in December over something very trivial. While I was gone, she let the ex back in to her life and I dated someone else for a very short time. I realized I made a mistake and got back in touch with her in February and we started talking. I was totally honest with her. I told her it was all my fault and that I loved her and wanted to be with her. She felt the same way and we started planning our future. I knew the ex was back in the picture cause she told me. I was okay with it because she was going to be with me. We went on a date and it was great. She came over on the 18th of March and we spent some more time together. She then left and I didn't hear from her for a week. That was when I emailed her and asked what was going on. She responded back by saying that she was getting back together with her ex and that she never wanted to hear from me again. Needless to say, I'm devastated right now.

Link to comment

 

Anyways, I was trying to talk to her and she threatened me with a restraining order and wants me to stop contacting her. She knows I would never harm her and she left me a voicemail saying that all contact needs to stop...the abuser guy was there because she said "He wants to bash your face in and if you do not stop contacting me he and his friends will hurt you bad". Can she get a restraining order against me?.

 

I just found this forum quite accidentally after searching for something else. Anyway, I want to address this poster's questions in case someone else runs into this situation.

 

The answer is yes, she can file a restraining order against you. Anyone can. RO's are NOT criminal proceedings, they are civil and very simple. One thing you need to know is that if a female files an RO against you, she'll get it no matter the argument you give. Always contest it if one is filed against you, but just know that judges almost always grant them because they are not criminal. They will not hurt you financially or show up in a background check - unless you are filing for a security clearance.

 

Now, having said this, I would DEFINITELY save any voice mails like the one listed above - something like this is very threatening and you can use it against her during the hearing. Then, you can file an RO on her boyfriend. Trust me, you'll get it.

 

How do I know all of this?

 

Because the exact same situation that happened to NiceGuy happened to me in 2009. I was dating a girl who had a very abusive ex-husband. He would call her while she was at my place and scream at her for hours. He used their little girl against her and threatened to take their daughter away. I should have left the relationship until she learned to deal with him, but she was too scared and I really liked her. Eventually, I got her pregnant. Suddenly, her ex brought her into family court and got full custody of their daughter. He bullied her very badly and she didn't even show up in court to contest the custody, despite my urging. Once he had control of their daughter, she stopped talking to me and suddenly one night I was served with a restraining order. It was alleged that I abused her and other very wild accusations. The also filed a police report, probably because they thought it would help the RO hearings. I contested the hearing but she was awarded the RO after only five minutes of testimony. I hired a lawyer and he started to zero-in on her accusations, but she started yelling that I threatened to kill both her and the baby and that she was afraid. The judge immediately granted the order, no further questions or explanations. My lawyer was angry, but little could be done, an appeal would have cost me $5000. Due to the nature of the police report a detective was assigned to the case and I had to endure tons of questioning. The allegations were wild at best. After further questioning, she fell to pieces and their story crumbled. I was let off but I learned a lesson and to this day I do not have any contact with the child.

 

I don't have any answers for NiceGuy other than get away immediately and stay away. This girl will be nothing but trouble for you and she's demonstrated that she will throw you under the bus to go back to him. Your place is not to figure out why she went back, that's her problem. You come first, and you need to cut your losses before they become much bigger.

Link to comment

I used to wonder this very question....and after many years studying the subject I thought I had all the answers until I sat about five feet from a woman who had lived through the most horrific experiences I could possibly imagine....and when she was asked why she stayed her answer was "because I loved him"

 

PPL imagine that these men are monsters from day 1...this isn't the case though & in between the battering they are once again the guy the battered woman fell in love with.....they also make every promise in the world that it'll never happen again...

 

though it's hard to imagine--it's not a rlshp that lacks love....it's more like a love rlshp that has a sickness...

Link to comment
I can't really understand this state of mind. As a woman, I would feel total hatred for the man that lay a hand on me. I guess I'm different but he would disgust me that day and that horrible image of him hitting me wouldn't go away.

 

I hear you.....it's hard for any of us to understand & this is part of the shame that keep many women silent--they're afraid to talk because they feel we'll judge them....

 

IMO it's similar to children who have been abused by a parent...they love their parent & hate the monster he/she can be at times....and dream of what life would be like if the monster went away....everything would be wonderful then.....abused women love the man and just want the violence to end....

 

Often they will take a lot & a lot of apologies before they give up hope that day will come.

Link to comment
I hear you.....it's hard for any of us to understand & this is part of the shame that keep many women silent--they're afraid to talk because they feel we'll judge them....

 

IMO it's similar to children who have been abused by a parent...they love their parent & hate the monster he/she can be at times....and dream of what life would be like if the monster went away....everything would be wonderful then.....abused women love the man and just want the violence to end....

 

Often they will take a lot & a lot of apologies before they give up hope that day will come.

This is sooooooo sad as there are good people out there that can adopt those children and be way better than the so called ''parents''... people that can't have kids and would want one or those that help out abused/lost kids.

 

As for staying with an abuser, it's also sad because I believe there are more men out there that were taught from a very eary age not to hit a woman and wouldn't ever dream of. Those abusers perhaps were brought up to a horrible environment but still, this doesn't excuse their behavior. There are people that were abused as a child but they don't repeat the same pattern.... that's called being a better person that your parents/guardian.

Link to comment
This is sooooooo sad as there are good people out there that can adopt those children and be way better than the so called ''parents''... people that can't have kids and would want one or those that help out abused/lost kids.

 

As for staying with an abuser, it's also sad because I believe there are more men out there that were taught from a very eary age not to hit a woman and wouldn't ever dream of. Those abusers perhaps were brought up to a horrible environment but still, this doesn't excuse their behavior. There are people that were abused as a child but they don't repeat the same pattern.... that's called being a better person that your parents/guardian.

 

I totally agree! Unfortunately it's a cycle many perpetuate....so is molestation--20% of todays children are victims to it--no-one speaks of it--it's rarely reported...1 in five!

 

You're 100% right--unfortunately all the hurt and rage a child isn't "allowed" to feel towards his/her parents gets projected later on others......throughout history we see this in politics & many other areas--ie: those who wage wars, etc.....it's also the foundation for prejudice & racial discrimination.

Link to comment
I can't really understand this state of mind. As a woman, I would feel total hatred for the man that lay a hand on me. I guess I'm different but he would disgust me that day and that horrible image of him hitting me wouldn't go away.

 

But what if he wasn't hitting you? What if he were intensely controlling, threatening and intimidating? What if there was no proof that he was doing or saying these things to you?

 

This is what I saw my ex-girlfriend go through with her ex-husband. He controlled her very intensely and he also tried to control me. As I stated in my previous post, he threatened her so badly that she didn't even contest giving him full-custody of their daughter. Once that happened, she disappeared from me and I never talked to her again. It's no stretch of the imagination that he threatened to pull visitation with their daughter from her unless she left me. She moved back in with him right around the time I was served with the restraining order. The whole thing was a mess, even the detectives on the case finally told me that they believed there were intense control issues on his part.

Link to comment
But what if he wasn't hitting you? What if he were intensely controlling, threatening and intimidating? What if there was no proof that he was doing or saying these things to you?
I would still leave him. No man is worth this drama nor me fearing for my life whenever he has those tantrums. Just the fact that he seems capable of proceeding towards hitting me (verbal abuse can turn to physical) would be good reason to end the relationship/marriage. Even if it doesn't get to physical, that's still a deal-breaker for me.

 

A man who loves me wouldn't ever hurt me in any way nor use intimidating gestures.

Link to comment
I would still leave him. No man is worth this drama nor me fearing for my life whenever he has those tantrums. Just the fact that he seems capable of proceeding towards hitting me (verbal abuse can turn to physical) would be good reason to end the relationship/marriage. Even if it doesn't get to physical, that's still a deal-breaker for me.

 

Ah, well that reinforces my point - women often have a choice in such matters, yet allow themselves to be bullied. There were at least two men on this thread who asked for advice as to why their girlfriends went back to abusers and who were then threatened with restraining orders. It's the woman's choice that she went back, there's nothing you can do about, so move on and let her deal with it before a situation develops.

Link to comment
Ah, well that reinforces my point - women often have a choice in such matters, yet allow themselves to be bullied. There were at least two men on this thread who asked for advice as to why their girlfriends went back to abusers and who were then threatened with restraining orders. It's the woman's choice that she went back, there's nothing you can do about, so move on and let her deal with it before a situation develops.
In this case, maybe the two male posters should move on with their lives and let the women continue making poor decisions. At this point it would get very tedious trying to help someone when they refuse to help themselves. Honestly I think... I might even start losing respect for those that can't stand for themselves.
Link to comment
  • 3 months later...
  • 2 months later...

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and I can't break the cycle. I think I'm just going to go back to him so I won't be alone. My therapist is completely against this but I'm the one who must live with the decision of ending the relationship and I can't bear that regret etc. I am too weak and need him in my life. I understand the reality and I'm aware of how unhealthy it is but I can't let him go.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...