I don't trust my boyfriend

After nearly 3 years of being together I have realized that I don't trust my boyfriend that much. It sucks cuz I really want us to be together, but I just wish he could be honest with me. I tell him this but it never really turns out the way he says it does, let me explain.

A couple of times he has gone out with some buddies, we'll talk the next day and I'll ask him what he did, once was on the 4th of July and he said he had "sat in the car watched the fireworks" turns out he was at a house party that night (found out through the infamous facebook)

the second time he told me "I hung out with my brother, we didn't do much" two months later he tells me they went to a strip club that night.....

Last but not least he has this "friend" named Tonya they talk all the time, for 30+ minutes at a time. I told him I didn't like that (he doesn't like me talking to other guys either, so I don't) but he still talks to her anyway. I made him a screen name so that we could talk while we are at work and he put her on that name too so he could talk to her too.

It's so aweful because I'll talk to him about this stuff but he says "I didn't want to tell you cuz you'd get mad" or "she doesn't have anything on you, you are all around better than her" they are all good reasons and I should believe him.....but I just can't! What's wrong with me?!?!?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Most women would feel uncomfortable with the situations you have witnessed.

That being said, I know of plenty of very good guys who don't always tell the truth to their partners simply because they wouldn't understand. Going to a strip club might be viewed as cheating by some. Others are able to completely separate this kind of activity from their emotional lives.

Hey I don't blame you. When someone has lied to you once, it's okay and it can be forgiven, but to keep doing it... I wouldn't really trust him either. And if he doesn't want you to talk to members of the oposite sex, then he should not be exempt from this rule in your relationship.

Him going to the strip club doesn't bother me, I know he woudln't do anything with thoes random girls, it's jus the fact that I thought he would have told me (not two months after). I tell him EVERYTHING (tho he doesn't believe that lol)

Hey I don't blame you. When someone has lied to you once, it's okay and it can be forgiven, but to keep doing it... I wouldn't really trust him either. And if he doesn't want you to talk to members of the oposite sex, then he should not be exempt from this rule in your relationship.

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour but some of the most reliable men I know of tell white lies to their spouses every now and then. They are not cheaters by any means but there are parts of their lives that they don't feel like explaning to their partners.

I'm not supporting that behaviour, just saying that it doesn't necessarily lead to something worse.

I don't understand why he keeps talking to her, I've expressed how much I don't like it and I'd wish he'd stop, but he KEEPS talking to her! I don't get it

I personally wouldn't stop talking to someone because my GF asks me to. I'd be pissed off actually.

Well if you are in a committed relationship and he has a "friend" then the most respectful option is that you were introduced to her and you were ALL FRIENDS... I think that is why your gut instinct is allowing it to bother you, because you are not involved in this "friendship" he has with Tanya, so next time he talks to her, just say, "ask her to have dinner with us sometime".. and see how he re-acts.. if he avoids it, or doesn't want the two of you (you and Tanya) to get to know each other, than I'd say it's a "red flag"..

As far as either of you deciding who is "okay to talk to or not" well that's just insecurity and immaturity, if you are in an authentic healthy respectful loving relationship then you would know each other's friends and confidants, you wouldn't have "other friends" whom you don't share or know..... at the very least you could meet her once.. but if his friendship with her is kept "separate" that is the issue, as far as you talking to guys or him talking to girls..well that's life, it's normal, but it's not okay if it's "on the side or kept from one another"...

I personally wouldn't stop talking to someone because my GF asks me to. I'd be pissed off actually.

Jealous people tend to view this as a one way street indeed.

I have seen her twice in the 3 years me and him have been together, each time he acts as if he doesn't know her. I guess he doesn't want to show much intrest in her because he thinks I will get mad. But you are right....if I was involved more it wouldn't be so bad, it wouldn't seem like he's trying to hide what's going on.

Jealous people tend to view this as a one way street indeed.

How do I fix this?? Should I just throw away all my second guessing and just trust him from now on?? My friend told me "all bad things come into the light" I just want to know what's going on cuz I don't want to get hurt.

I would calmly explain to him that if you are uncomfortable with the situation for the same reasons why he is uncomfortable when you speak with other guys.

To be perfectly honest though, if you can't even just talk to a guy friend, I think something's not perfectly healthy.

Well that's up to you to try to do, just be honest and friendly, because maybe your guy anticipates your jealousy and it scares him so he walks on eggshells when it comes to being honest with you.. so start by being honest with yourself and say to him, "let all have dinner together, she seems like an important friend to you and I want to respect that and get to know her more"... and see how he re-acts to your mature, caring, non jealous approach. he may not "trust" it at first, but your mature enough to choose to be self respecting and believe that he does cherish you so start acting as if he does, and see how authentic it is... you are powerless over what he chooses to do, but you do have the power to change the part you play in any unhealthy pattern, and learn from how he reacts to a more secure you..and a secure you would have no problem getting to know his 'friends" better...see how he reacts to it.. and give him time to trust that you are sincerely trying to be more respectful and trusting...his reaction to your trusting him and you wanting to get to know tanya more will be very revealing.

But do not do this as a game or a power play instead approach it sincerely and in a self respecting way, simply say, I don't want to argue anymore about who we talk to, or who are friends are, so I think it's best that we get to know each other friends, it is a mature and respectful thing to do in any relationship..and I care about us and want us to have a chance at a more peaceful trusting relationship.

So she just told me that they still talk on Instant Messanger. He just took her off his list to make it look like he doesn't talk to her. lol. She didn't tell me anything else....I don't want to create any drama so I kept it small.

if you feel you have to talk to the "girl" about your own boyfriend, well you might want to take an honest look at why you are choosing to stay invovled and play a part in this unhealthy pattern... it's not a good foundation to build a loving, loyal, mature relationship upon... so be careful not to waste your energy or precious heart in playing a part in an unhealthy ego/power struggle within a relationship.. that will only lead to resentment and emptiness.. So take care of yourself and ask yourself WHY you are not trusting, and WHY you are staying involved with ANY guy who does not trust you enough to understand that you can talk to guys, and be friends with guys too...

I sent him and email this morning, explaining myself and how I was afraid that she was going to take him away from me. And that i'm so tired of wondering what he's not telling me. I said I just want to be able to trust him because I want to be with him.

I'm starting to second guess what I said now. I want to trust him, and I am afraid of getting my heart broke by him after 3 years (by him leaving me for someone else, cuz it's happened to me before). but I don't know if he's going to just continue doing what he does but do it more often now that I don't care. or if he's going to change and be honest about what is going on. The girl has a boyfriend too. I don't know....I'm just going to not worry about it really....kinda stray away and see if he comes after me or if he talks to her more. I don't know. *shrug*

just gonna throw my two cents in here.

my bf and i had this same issue about a year ago. we started dating directly after, possibly even during, he was involved with another girl. (never a relationship with her, but 'involved'...hopefully you get what im saying). At first I didnt mind the friendship..then I started getting weird vibes from them. He would ignore her in public. This to me was a red flag b.c. i figured they were hiding something. why cant he say hi when his gf is around? Long story short he was talking to her behind my back, seeing her behind my back, all of that fantastic trust-breaking stuff. He claims he didnt tell me b.c. of the way I reacted to her and it wasnt worth a fight over something stupid. Now, I WOULD act a darn fool when he would tell me the truth. I would yell at him for seeing her or talking to her, I would demand to see his phone or call him a liar. I would even threaten to break up with me. I gave him the ultimatum of her or me. He chose me, but this backfired, because he still spoke w. her on and off secretly.

Now a year later we stronger than ever. A few things had to do with that change. One, I had to stop questioning him. This includes but is not limited to asking who just called, asking where he was when you called and he didnt answer. It also includes drilling him on his night out with the boys. Ive learned that all you do is ask if he had fun, he says he did, and thats that. Dont ask if girls were there, or who he talked to or what he did. That just backs men into a corner and honestly, do you want to know anyway?

Also, the girl turned out to be crazy (luckily for me!) she started sleeping w. my bf's friends b.c. she knew it would get back to him. She called him nonstop and cussed him out through text messages (hooray maturity right?) and even ended up moving TWO DOORS DOWN from his house. That was the last straw and we havent seen or heard from her since. She still sends random text messages but my bf is in the process of changing his number.

Now what happened to me probably wont happen to you. Im sure this girl isnt a crazy psycho hose beast like the one I had to deal w. turned out to be. But you never know with girls. Again, what I have learned through all this is that men are going to do what they want to do. And they arent going to tell you something if youre going to create a 2 day long fight about it and bring it up every hour to talk about it like a broken record. That was my problem. I always wanted to know why he did it, why he talked to her. Why was she so great? Wasnt I great? Cant he just let go? Does he still like her? Why does he call her? What do they talk about?

See how that gets old just reading it?

You have to put faith into your boyfriend. Honestly as soon as I left my bf alone about the subject, stopped asking, stopped caring (even though I did deep down) my bf suddenly lost interest talking to HER. She slowly became a non-issue which was wonderful. He had to make the decision to stop talking to her himself, not based on me forcing him to do so. He had to understand all on his own, and he did eventually. And now, I can say that yes, knowing shes two doors down from him is very unsettling but at the same time, I believe my bf would never do anything do disrupt what we have and that he has learned from this situation just as much as I have.

I wish you the best of luck, I know how hard these things can be and it was also almost a dealbreaker for me. But if you two want to get through it, you will. I will say though, tell him the lying needs to stop. If you ask him about her and he lies to your face when you KNOW (and you had better know 100%) that he is lying, then thats a problem. My bf did that a few times before he finally understood that I find out absolutely everything. And then sure, you can withold information to prevent a fight, Id rather that, b.c. most of our fights about her were ridiculous and had no point. But, you lie to me, then we are going to have a bigger problem.

Again, work through it, do what you can. This isnt something that cnat be resolved, it just takes work!

I also want to add that if they do talk, you can set ground rules that keep you comfortable. For my bf I said that the conversation must never be about me or about our relationship, becuase that is none of her business. Things like that dont need to be talked about with ex's or people you were once involved with. Another rule was that she wasnt calling him drunk at 3 in the morning. No exceptions on that one. Call your boyfriend honey, not mine!! = )

We ended up getting into a big fight on Valentine's day because the girl sent me an email and I sent her one back. She said "I'm not one to break up a happy home, I know you maybe scared I'm going to come between you two, but i'm not one to break up a happy home, you have something good" I said to her "I don't have anything to say to you. you obviously can't talk to your man so you feel the need to call mine all the time. It doesnt matter what you say, it's between me and him"

Me and her had that talk Wed. morning.....she waited till Thursday morning to tell him that we had talked. He got so mad, he said I didn't need to talk to her, and know everyone knows me and him have problems. He didn't even come over my house for Valentines day.

So I've just faced the fact that I hate her more than anything in the world now. I don't want to talk to her and if he ever says anything about her I let him know how much I hate her. They will probably continue to talk just like normal but whatever. I have two guy friends that I stopped talking to because of him....and just for him talking to her the way he does....I'm going to go back talking to them. If he gets mad.....well hey! your talking to Tonya!

I don't quite understand why you are so mad at HER for talking to your man, because HE is the one who is choosing to talk to her..

She obviously know he loves you and is with you, you said she text'd you the following: She said "I'm not one to break up a happy home, I know you maybe scared I'm going to come between you two, but i'm not one to break up a happy home, you have something good"

THAT is her way of giving AN HONEST AND NICE COMPLIMENTARY response to your fears, your concerns, and she actually says "you have a something good", why would her saying this make you so mad at her?

She's not going after YOUR guy, because the fact is your guy is choosing to be a close friend to her, and HE continues to stay in contact with her, and yet even though this is something that upsets you, you ignore it and STAY INVOLVED WITH HIM, and blame her? I just don't get it.

she's jealous and insecure about it. thats all. women also can be very territorial and confrontational.

In reality she isnt as much mad at the woman as she is mad at the situation.

Either way women tend to take their frustrations out on other women anyway.

I do think the OP is being a bit unreasonable in this situation however.

The reason I'm mad at the girl is.....

Me and her talked Wed. morning, she waited till valentine's day morning (thursday) to tell him me and her had talked. She had allllllllllllll Wed. to say something to him. Why did she need to tell him in the first place? I don't know. But he got mad at me and didn't come to my house or speak to me on valentine's day. She got what she wanted, him mad at me, but not mad at her. Who knows what she told him I said....but I told him what really went down so I hope he believes me and not her.

That's why I don't like her. She didn't need to talk to me from the beginning. I don't think she was trying to be nice at all when she said what she said. I know she had a huge crush on him, then he met me and got with me, she didn't get a chance. So I doubt what she said to me is coming from the heart. That's all.

Okay, I understand but the bottom line is you deserve to be in a relationship where you trust the guy who you are with and he should trust you completely as well, no matter who he is talking to or who you are talking to... so if you discover that you in a situation where you are feeling, anger, resentment, jealous, then maybe it's time to look at YOUR relationship WITH HIM, instead of focusing on his relationship with her.

That's all I"m saying, that she is merely representing a "symptom" of the real underlying "illness" so to speak that is present between you and your boyfriend.

Even if she went away tomorrow never to be heard from again, you and your boyfriend would still most likely have the same problems of mis-trust, power struggles, not being able to speak to people of the opposite sex, and jealousy issues with each other. Do you know what I mean?

Because right now she is an excuse or distraction from what the real issues may be..don't you think?

Yeah I understand what your saying. You are right....

hey girl -

another thing i have learned...dont EVER LET THE GIRL KNOW YOU ARE UPSET. Ever. I used to call the crazy girl, tell her why i was mad, get her even MORE involved. I would demand her tell me what was going on and if my bf lied to me or not..dont do this. All this does it let her see how much you hate her, how much impact she has on YOUR life. This will feed her ego.

SO for the future..dont contact her. ever. FOR ANYTHING!

& as much as she might suck...this is more your bf's issue then hers. Hes making the choice to talk to her, hes making the choice to keep her around. You can be as mad at her as you want, and i know how you feel, ive been there, but you have to focus on what your BOYFRIEND is doing about the situation, which right now is nothing.

Also, dont ever drop friends for a bf unless they are becoming physical with you in a disturbing way or caushing strife to your relationship i.e. hitting on you, not knowing their boundaries. This is unhealthy. So def. keep talking to your male friends. & if bf complains, you tell him that you are your own person just like he is, and you can do what you want!