For women in their 30s and up mainly

For those of you in committed relationships, do you see women in their early-mid 20s a threat to your relationship? I started this thread because I was asked to respond to a "hypothetical" on another thread as to whether I would feel threatened, and how I would respond if a 24 year old attractive, sexy, (great body, etc), smart woman started coming on to my bf.

I have my jealous moments and insecure moments about other women. But not about my boyfriend wanting or being tempted by a woman 15 or more years younger than we are (we are both 41) who looks like a model. The thought is just - kind of bizarre to me - because I know he wouldn't have enough in common with her (if he had anything in common with her) and he wouldn't pursue another woman just because she was younger looking or sexier than I am (and I am very young looking, always have been - not 24, but no problem passing for 30).

(My insecurities, if I have them, are more that a friendship with a woman -- whether prettier than me or not - would turn into more because they had more in common than we have. (That insecurity is very rare - but we all have insecurities and that's my poison).)

The hypo I was given surprised me because I didn't think that other than in the movies or bad but oh so good TV the whole "a much younger woman is going to come and steal/tempt your man with her younger looking tighter body" was a real concern for those of us in our 30s and up.

Or, is it?

Sorry batya, not giving you a women's perspective but.....in my "circle" of friends and acquaitances (around your vintage) over the past 3 or 4 years there have been 3 or 4 instances of seperation/divorce and him hooking up with younger woman.

Observing from the outside, I have noticed that amongst the women there is uncomfortableness and wariness about the whole subject.

No I don't feel threatened by younger women at all. I look younger than I am anyway so people are often surprised that I am not in my early 20's anymore so that might have a little to do with it but I don't think that's the only thing. I think most women over 30 are more confident than women in their 20's so thereforeeee we wouldn't feel threatened by a younger woman. That is something that has never crossed my mind nor have I ever heard any of my friends express a concern about this either. I only see somoene that is already insecure being threatened by this.

Sorry batya, not giving you a women's perspective but.....in my "circle" of friends and acquaitances (around your vintage) over the past 3 or 4 years there have been 3 or 4 instances of seperation/divorce and him hooking up with younger woman.

 

Observing from the outside, I have noticed that amongst the women there is uncomfortableness and wariness about the whole subject.

Melrich- thanks. I too have seen this including in a man in his 40s or 30-ish going for a much younger woman after ending an LTR with a woman in his age group. Somehow - and maybe this is a distinction without a difference - I separate that from being concerned, while in a committed relationship, that a younger woman is going to be a threat to my relationship. But, I could see where a man who has been,um, dumped, might go for a younger woman to show how he's still got it.

melrich - were these situations where the younger woman was the cause of the divorce or did they hook up subsequently?

One definitely was. The others I don't think so. And it is nothing that is "said". It is a sort of uneasiness along the lines of "There but for the grace of God..."

I may get canned for saying this so please accept it is only my personal experience and opinion, but I do think that many women feel a vulnerability as they move from their 30s to 40s. Not in a dissimilar way that men feel that vulnerability in their careers around the same age as they see the next crop of bright up and comers.

Nope... wouldn't bother me because i would consider myself well rid of someone who would leave me just because he found someone he thought was younger/hotter.

That man would be too shallow in my estimate to waste my time with. Sexual attraction is very important, but if he's rating attraction to someone just because they look younger, then he's welcome to her.

It does happen, but is more a reflection of the guy's chasing of own diminishing youth and need to prove to himself he's still 'got it', rather than some deficiency in the woman he leaves behind.

i think women make a big mistake wanting to hang onto a man at any cost... i.e., they have a middle aged husband with a wandering eye and feel 'threatened' by it... rather, they should take that as some really important information for them, that they are with a man who is willing to sacrifice a huge amount, a whole life and marriage, to chase a piece of young tail.

what i have seen of this is the woman at first are upset their family is destroyed, and question their own sense of self worth, but after a while they find the guy pathetic and foolish in his chasing of youth. what happens is the guy eventually realizes that young grass is NOT greener, but by then the woman has happily moved on and is not interested in taking him back...

it is also a myth that most middle aged marriages break up because the guy finds a younger woman. statistically it is more middle aged woman who want to leave the husband, feeling stifled by him and the marriage, and once the kids are out of the house, she wants to be free and the men are often blindsided by her discontent.

Interesting, thanks. In my 40s, I haven't felt much different than in my 30s other than if I were starting to date now I could see a man preferring a woman in her 30s to have more childbearing years left but not for any other reason.

I agree, Bestrong, that I wouldn't want to be with someone who would be tempted by a woman based on youth and a "younger body" (whatever that really means) so maybe it's that I can tell when a man seems to be like that either from knowing about his past relationships or what types of women he goes for.

One definitely was. The others I don't think so. And it is nothing that is "said". It is a sort of uneasiness along the lines of "There but for the grace of God..."

 

I may get canned for saying this so please accept it is only my personal experience and opinion, but I do think that many women feel a vulnerability as they move from their 30s to 40s. Not in a dissimilar way that men feel that vulnerability in their careers around the same age as they see the next crop of bright up and comers.

It can't be your experience since you aren't a woman. It can only be your opinion. I have to disagree being a woman in her 30's with lots of women friends in their 30's and 40's. In this day and age women are not constantly walking around feeling threatened and vulnerable to this. Sure there may be a few that feel this way but as a whole women DO NOT feel this way at all. If men think women feel this way then they are sadly mistaken and only trying to boost their own egos.

For the record, a lot of older women are dating younger men these days too.

It can't be your experience since you aren't a woman. It can only be your opinion. I have to disagree being a woman in her 30's with lots of women friends in their 30's and 40's. In this day and age women are not constantly walking around feeling threatened and vulnerable to this. Sure there may be a few that feel this way but as a whole women DO NOT feel this way at all. If men think women feel this way then they are sadly mistaken and only trying to boost their own egos.

 

For the record, a lot of older women are dating younger men these days too.

In this day and age women are not constantly walking around feeling threatened and vulnerable to this.

I am not saying they are living in morbid fear. I said there is an undercurrent of uneasiness.

your experience since you aren't a woman. It can only be your opinion.

No my opinion is based on my experience. My experience is the reaction of my friends to situations as I described. It is the hearing of the "careful he doesn't run off with a younger woman" and the nervous laughs accompanying it.

I didn't say all women feel this way. In fact I said,

please accept it is only my personal experience and opinion, but I do think that many women feel a vulnerability

If you feel that observation is completely nonsensical then that is what your experience and opinion is telling you.

But it can also only be your experience for no one can speak for other people on something like this. Even if this were the subject of a discussion you could not take everyone at their word for many women would never admit to others that they did feel insecure about younger women.

You misunderstood what I was said. I said as a whole women do not feel that way but of course there are some. You might want to reread my post again. You didn't tell the male poster that he couldn't speak for other women about this when he made the assumption that he felt most women did feel threatened. You only said that to me--a woman who can speak from experience. Hmmmm, interesting!! I think you guys want to boost your egos.

A man can't speak from experience on this subject because he simply isn't a woman. The OP asked if women felt this way and I said no. I spoke on my own experience which I do have being a woman as did another female poster. You may not like that we don't sit at home at night crying that our man is going to leave us for a younger woman but it doesn't worry most women. There are some insecure women out there that do sit at home at night and cry about it but most of us don't.

I understood what you said. And still think that you can't claim to speak for other women - whether it be all of them or some of them.

And he didn't say he spoke for women or from his experience but simply spoke from his observations. A very different thing.

You only said that to me--a woman who can speak from experience. Hmmmm, interesting!! I think you guys want to boost your egos.

 

Lately I've chatted with a few women who lost their husbands to yonger women.

They seemed pretty hostile to any guy with a young GF.

That can be true, Dako, but if you talk to anyone who has just been dumped they are pretty hostile and bitter, not just women who have lost a husband to someone younger.

These women had been dumped years ago, yet their anger surprised me.

I sure got an earful.

Lately I've chatted with a few women who lost their husbands to yonger women.

They seemed pretty hostile to any guy with a young GF.

I'll tell you a story. About a year after I divorced ( I was then early 30s so ages are a bit out) I met my current partner who is 11 years younger than me. It was really weird. In the year after my divorce my friends rallied around me. Lots of dinners and spending time with me. When I met my current partner and started a relationship with her it all dried up. We were never invited anywhere by my friends for about a year.

Gradually things got better and we started being included again. One night my partner went out with a few of the wives. They all got very drunk. One of the wives took my partner aside and apologised to her.

My partner said "why?"

And she said because we were not very friendly to you. She said I thought I would hate you but I don't I really really like you.

My partner asked why she thought she would hate her. And she said she felt threatened by her at which point she burst into tears.

Although I focused on age, it was also the combo of age plus hot body/model looking face that surprised me because the hypo was presented in the sense that "of course!" I would feel threatened if she was much more attractive (and younger looking) than me. I don't "presume" that "more attractive/younger looking" immediately should make me feel threatened. In fact - and this is just anecdotal - I thought that often if a man cheats the other woman is not necesarily more attractive and may even be less attractive - he just connects with her better than with his SO/spouse.

And he didn't say he spoke for women or from his experience but simply spoke from his observations. A very different thing.

 

He did say he spoke from experience. When I said he couldn't speak from experience he said he could speak from experience because he has heard women say it. Here is his exact quote, "No my opinion is based on my experience."

 

To me that is not an experience but an observation but if he calls it an experience I can also speak from my experience with my friends as well as my own. My experience is just as valid if not more since the OP asked how women felt and not men. I know a lot of very confident women so this isn't an issue for most of us. I said some women feel this way but not all, and I don't believe most do. It is my experience that they don't.

 

Also, I put a wink at the end of my statement because it was meant as a joke. I didn't think you would take it so seriously.

Although I focused on age, it was also the combo of age plus hot body/model looking face that surprised me because the hypo was presented in the sense that "of course!" I would feel threatened if she was much more attractive (and younger looking) than me. I don't "presume" that "more attractive/younger looking" immediately should make me feel threatened. In fact - and this is just anecdotal - I thought that often if a man cheats the other woman is not necesarily more attractive and may even be less attractive - he just connects with her better than with his SO/spouse.

People exit marriages for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it's to find a younger, hotter, partner but sometimes it's because of sheer loneliness. And it's easy for outsiders (or even the deserted spouse) to confuse the two.

it was also the combo of age plus hot body/model looking face that surprised me because the hypo was presented in the sense that "of course!" I would feel threatened if she was much more attractive

Yeah I don't know if it is the attractiveness thing or the model looks. You know the 40s is an age of transition for both men and women. I know some people don't believe in mid life crisis, but the idea generally attached to that is there for a lot of people.

The kids are just about grown up, you finally get a chance to stop, stick your head uup and contemplate the next 30 years and what you are going to do with it.

I know in a lot of conversations I have with my mates, they go along something like this,

"I get up, I go to work, I come home, I help with the kids, I eat dinner, i go to sleep, I get up....... there has to be more to life!!"...It's said jokingly but like everything there is an undercurrent of truth to it. I am sure women have the same sorts of thoughts and questions. In your 20s and early 30s you always have a feeling inside of you that you can change course and you have plenty of time to do that. In your 40s you knw that the opportunity to do that is fast running out....you are i think for many people faced with your mortality seriously for the first time. Oh..and it is the time for divorces...at least around me.

Sorry Batya, this probably isn't where you wanted this thread to go.

No, thanks a lot. I am thinking that maybe this issue is different where the couple started dating in their mid to late 30s rather than by the time they are in their early 40s, being married almost 20 years with grown kids- maybe then the mid life crisis kicks in more strongly because of the potential boring patches in a long marriage.

Mortality - yes, definitely but more because of recent deaths among family/friends. But since I wasnt' lucky enough to have kids in my 20s (or maybe I was lucky not to, who knows!) that is all ahead of me, whether I have or adopt a child. Everything (still) seems rather fresh and new on all levels.

the couple started dating in their mid to late 30s rather than by the time they are in their early 40s, being married almost 20 years with grown kids

Yeah for sure.

that is all ahead of me, whether I have or adopt a child.

I hope so.

I am 25, and my bf works with all hot 18-21's. I'm also two years younger than him. I don't see them as a threat, but I am jealous of them.

I have this fear of getting old.

The truth is, yes younger females will always be more attractive in the sense they have that "youthful" look- which a HIGH percentage of guys are attracted to the most.

That is life.

If you are in a committed relationship and trust your partner you should just be happy and know that they think you are beautiful and you have a lot more to offer.

Of course they are a threat, if you think they are not, then you are in a dream world or are overly confident. It is good to have that threat though because it makes you work for each other's attention, makes you keep in shape and be sexy. So it is a necessary evil.