Is a Little Jealousy Okay?

My boyfriend and I had a huge discussion on jealousy last night... he believes that a small amount of jealousy is okay and shows you care.

For instance, he always has women flirting with him or being very overly attentive... if I witness this or see some woman trying to flirt with him I kinda get into that jealous mode. Sometimes I feel like I am a dog and am obligated to pee on him in order to mark my territory. Of course, I don't act on these feelings and my common sense tells me that he doesn't belong to me. lol. So I just kinda drape my arm over him or pull him aside of the conversation she is trying to start and give him light kisses. He loves when I do this, he says that it is incredibly cute to see me get all red and he knows what is going through my mind. He knows that that kind of jealousy stems from me caring about his so much.

He gets his little jealousy tantrums too and I try to accommodate his feelings as he does with me. Actually, he gets kinda cute when he gets a little jealous.

So, what do you think? Is a little jealousy okay? Do you think that if you carry that twinge of jealousy at times it just means that you are passionate about your significant other and have certain feelings when it comes to people of the opposite sex invading your territory?

[i am sure there are better words to say, but don't take too seriously, I don't mean territory as you own the other person, just trying to be descriptive.]

Well yeah I think a little jealousys alright, a little flutter in your heart when another girl talks to your man. Its just cos you love them so much! But if it gets violent or interferes with the relationship or causes arguments its too much jealousy.

I think a little jealousy is very normal. I think that the kissing/draping behavior you described makes it very obvious that you are marking your territory and might be seen as insecure. In that situation, I would give him even more space to show him that I trust him to know how to assert his own boundaries and because I wouldn't want the other women to see me acting in an insecure way. I have done what you have done and while it seemed like a good idea at the time I felt a bit icky about it after.

So I just kinda drape my arm over him or pull him aside of the conversation she is trying to start and give him light kisses

When I see women do this my mind immediately starts thinking "wow she looks so insecure".

I would honestly try to curb that. If you don't trust him enough or the other women enough to not have to hang all over him then what is the point?

I understand "WHY" you would do that as jealousy is a human emotion we can't always control, we can only control how we react to it. I would just suggest tryign to not do that grabbing his arm, kissing on him, etc to combat the jealousy. I would say it would be more helpful to tell him how you feel and maybe create a signal you give him when he is getting too flirty with others or they too flirty with him that lets him know you are getting uncomfortable and would like for him to reel it in.

I don't think any jealousy is okay. It's one thing to not want other girls to talk to your boyfriend, and it's okay to show that he is yours. But that doesn't constitute jealousy (to me). Jealousy is a bad emotion, period.

I feel like I am a dog and am obligated to pee on him in order to mark my territory.

Well if you pee on him I'm sure other women will stay away!!!

A little jealousy is fine, it's natural.

So I just kinda drape my arm over him or pull him aside of the conversation she is trying to start and give him light kisses

 

I agree that this is not a great look. Personally I cannot stand talking to someone whilst someone else is desperately trying to get their attention away. I get your intentions but honestly it looks childish.

I would try and keep your jealousy to less overt displays but at the same time embrace it.

A little jealousy is ok. it's a natural feeling , so long as it doesn't become obsessive! I remember being at a party once with a boyfriend and bumped into an old male friend. We started chatting and laughing about old times when his girlfriend came over and sat in his lap and started making out with him. First of all I was like "how rude we were just having a conversation" secondly my boyfriend was at the bar ordering drinks. I'm sure if she had of paused for a minute and thought about it, maybe introduced herself to me, the 4 of us could have been introduced properly and had a good conversation. Instead I thought what a dumb girlfriend you have!

Yea I agree that the draping arm thing isn't the best move. I also always think to myself when a girl does this: Now now nobody wants you man anyway... you can KEEP him.

It shows insecurity to OTHERS, not to your bf. He apparently likes it.

I agree that a little jealousy is normal and even OK. Like you said, it shows you care about him and your bf feels wanted. Just as long as you do it in a cutesy way I guess.

He knows I'm joking but he also knows I care and am making jokes cause it brings up a twinge of jealousy in me which he finds cute apparently. It makes him feel special/wanted.

I agree that this is not a great look. Personally I cannot stand talking to someone whilst someone else is desperately trying to get their attention away. I get your intentions but honestly it looks childish.

 

I would try and keep your jealousy to less overt displays but at the same time embrace it.

Yeah, I agree. It looks extremely childish and no one really likes talkig to a guy who has a girl hanging all over him in a clingy manner like that. It is usually obvious when it is done out of jealousy vs being playful in public.

Jealousy is just insecurities. If it works for you guys that is great, but in my opinion what he is doing is about the same as if he thought you had a hot body but called you fat every once in awhile because he wanted you to stay in shape. Making you jealousy is like poking at your insecurity instead of trying to help you feel better about yourself.

If he is trying to make you jealous, than that is just an immature way to get attention.

However, if jealousy occurs without the person trying to bring it about, then that is to be expected. As long as that jealousy doesn't interfere with your happiness.

Well if you pee on him I'm sure other women will stay away!!!

But imagine how many dogs will be running after him to add their mark....might be plenty of female dogs too!!!LOL.

I agree with the other posters that jealousy is a natural reaction but hanging all over your boyfriend like that just shows insecurity and looks bad. Your boyfriend shouldn't have to be reminded that the flirtation is getting out of hand, he should know that and move on.

LoL... thanks for your thoughts guys!

I am pretty secure in our relationship. I think it's the puerto rican in me... lol...

I don't divert his attention or place my arm on him if we are in a place where we will be mingling and such. I save those gestures for... well for example:

A couple of weeks ago we were at a bar and I went to the bathroom. When I got back I saw some drunk girl taking my boyfriend's glasses of his face to "try them on." Well, I marched up to the bar, took the glasses from her face and just positioned myself in front with my back to her. And went ahead talking to my boyfriend as if I never left the conversation, giggling and kissing him. I stopped the whole scenario before he even got a chance to open his mouth, like a band aid. Now, had he been talking to a that woman didn't seem like she was throwing her drunk self at him, I would have simply stood next to him and he would have introduced me. We live in a big city downtown~ there are lots and lots of I'm sorry, but gold digging $lu!$ running around this city and they have no respect for themselves. Now, when I am not with my b/f I know that he takes care of it... but if I am there~ I am going to take care of it real quick.

Vice versa. When I am out and about I stop guys right away from hitting on me or trying to "mack it." However, I like it when my guy is with me and this happens, he will shove his hand in front of the guy's face saying "My name is such-and-such~ this is my girl... and you are???" I like it. The guy obviously gets the hint and it is deflected. I don't think my guy looks less secure though. Not in my eyes at least.

But imagine how many dogs will be running after him to add their mark....might be plenty of female dogs too!!!LOL..

ha ha ha

That's our secret code for each other when we are being a little possessive or a little jealous. I will say something like "Did you pee on me enough babe." Or, "it's time to make your mark on me cause these guys won't leave me alone."

It sounds very much like your b/f is enjoying the attention.

I can't say i've ever had that happen, a drunk girl taking my husband's glasses off his face to try them on. That kind of suggests that they were being friendly. You don't do that to strangers no matter how good looking they are if you are not already in a flirty conversation. I'll be willing to bet he encouraged some friendly behavior if not in front of you maybe when you were in the bathroom.

I think your b/f enjoys this attention and i think you should realize that at his age this is probably who he will always be and decide can you deal with it or not. Sometimes we have to just realize somethings are innate to that person and trying to change it will only make us crazy.

I can honestly say that even tho this sounds sxist it doesn't look as bad for a man to interject and introduce himself as a girls b/f in the event of dealing with a flirty guy as much as it does for a woman to put herself in between her guy and a flirty girl. I think this is because when the guy does it, it is almost construed as being protective since women are more vulnerable to a man if he were to be a real jerk and try to manhandle her. When a woman does it, it looks plain outright insecure.

Who wouldn't enjoy the attention? \\ LoL Being complimented and doted on, it's always nice to get hit on (unless it's just plain old disrespectful) Just because I think he is flattered, or even if I am for that matter, doesn't mean anything to me. To me it's how he reacts, like if he touched her face, or actually placed them on her face, I would blow a gasket, but I do trust him. I have had guys shoot accross the bar to light my cigarette and be overly flirtatious with me, or walk up with a drink and a conversation he already practiced in his head. We love to go dancing downtown and there are always just a million people in those little bars, all rubbing up on each other and such and maybe since its such close quarters, and the alcohol runs freely~ people are more friendly than usual... ha ha.

It does sound pretty sexist... I don't hold double standards like that... so if I do the same thing my b/f does (as in shove my way into that conversation to be just point blank with the flirting party) I don't see anything wrong with that. But again, maybe because I am a little scrappy (that's what my b/f calls me) I have no problem asserting myself in front of another woman, at all. If she thinks I am in secure then pray tell what does that say about her? The girl that is very tipsy and is being very friendly and $lu!!y to a stranger??? I say she has a lot of problems! ha ha

I get what you guys are saying though. If we were at a meet and greet or happy hour where random strangers are not just getting all boozed up ready to throw those lines out there... of course, there is a huge difference how I would react. I mean, he works with a lot of women and has many affiliates of the opposite sex... and those women (not all but the secure ones) make eye contact with me and respect me, that shows a lot to me. You give respect, you earn respect.

I agree with JS on all points. I would have found your behavior to reflect a lot of insecurity - I don't find it assertive because when you behave that way it reflects a loss of control - or at least gives the impression of a loss of control. It doesn't matter who is around your bf. All that matters is whether you trust him and trust him to behave appropriately - even if you are a bit insecure - we all get that way! - if you trust him you will be able to control the urge to interfere/intercede especially in the way you did.

I also wonder, based on what you wrote, if you somewhat like the fact that your bf seems to be desired by many other women especially in situations where you can then "mark your territory" as you said and "show them" that you "got him" and they do not. I agree with JS that certainly he likes it.

I actually don't like being hit on especially if it is in front of my boyfriend because he would probably get a bit upset or feel uncomfortable. I don't have a desire for that kind of attention (neither does he).

Why do you need other women to give you any sort of respect that reflects that you have a bf? As long as they are not hitting on your bf (assuming they know he is "taken") other than being friendly/polite to you what else do they need to do to show "respect?" That confused me.

I agree with JS on all points. I would have found your behavior to reflect a lot of insecurity

Well, honestly, it's a good thing that I don't care what people think of me and I feel that my opinion of myself is the one that is most important.

I don't find it assertive because when you behave that way it reflects a loss of control - or at least gives the impression of a loss of control. It doesn't matter who is around your bf. All that matters is whether you trust him and trust him to behave appropriately - even if you are a bit insecure - we all get that way! - if you trust him you will be able to control the urge to interfere/intercede especially in the way you did.

Yeah, I think we have established that I trust my b/f. It's not losing control~ if I lost control my reaction would be a fist to the face! In my opinion, that is showing someone has lost all control. I guess, simply put, I'm a smarta$$ at times... and I have no problem getting into a verbal squabble with someone that doesn't know how to back up. Like I said, if I am in a bar with my guy and it's very clear that we are together and some woman wants to try and start flirting with him in front of my face~ well then, she is gonna deserve whatever is coming to her. I mostly like toying with them ~ especially if they're drunk and insistent.

I also wonder, based on what you wrote, if you somewhat like the fact that your bf seems to be desired by many other women especially in situations where you can then "mark your territory" as you said and "show them" that you "got him" and they do not. I agree with JS that certainly he likes it.

Do I like it that other women want my b/f? I think that's what you are asking. Of course not. But I don't have control over every little drunken $lu! that comes along. I have control over me, that's about it. So if a girl is getting too flirtatious I will back her up myself. Do I wish that women somehow automatically knew that some guys were taken and kept their hands and comments to themselves... sure, in a perfect world that would happen. We aren't married so there is no ring to let them know, but once I let them know or my b/f does and they still continue... well, they better watch out for me because I will put them in their place.

I actually don't like being hit on especially if it is in front of my boyfriend because he would probably get a bit upset or feel uncomfortable. I don't have a desire for that kind of attention (neither does he).

Again, when you imply we have a desire for that attention I don't understand you at all. I am not standing at one end of the bar eye-flirting with a guy in hopes he will come over and make a move just so my guy can knock him down. ???????? I don't get what you are saying. Again, other's actions are out of my control.

Why do you need other women to give you any sort of respect that reflects that you have a bf? As long as they are not hitting on your bf (assuming they know he is "taken") other than being friendly/polite to you what else do they need to do to show "respect?" That confused me.

I am sorry, acknowledging someone's existence by making eye contact in my opinion, is friendly and polite. If my guy is talking to a person of the opposite sex and I walk over and the woman doesn't acknowledge that I am standing there and continues to close me out of the conversation I think that is impolite. I would think it was impolite even if it was a man that was doing that. I need friendly and polite from them... to me that is respect.

Yeah I gotta agree with Jaded Star on this one--10/4! When I am out shopping on the weekends with my daughter or even out at the clubs with my girls and the women that are around with their man do these things as if I would dare!! Half of the time it happens when THEY see their man checking me out and when they do it they look silly, childish and VERY insecure. To me that makes me glance back at him and shake my head in a way that he smirks because if I made a move I would be ableto grab him from her grip ASAP

honey i suggest you stop doing that and turn the tables when you see a hot chick that gets you jealous put your nose in the air and keeps it moving. You need to do something to make him put all his attention on you. I personally like making my B/f a bit jealous because it keeps his mental off cheating on me because he is too damn busy being a professional stalker! So if I am out with him I just let it flow. If he looks he looks and instead of getting mad I'll say "Babe you think she's pretty" and quite natural either he's going to say Yes or deny him looking at her, then I've off set him because he's wondering why am I so nonchalant about it all. I'll say well she was pretty and then i'll get well Im not with her-you are prettier that her-so on and so forth. A jealous women to me is a burden and is so very unattractive!

Ease up and play your position-it gets greater later.

Thanks for your responses Natty although much of it seemed to misunderstand what I meant, but that's ok it's a message board. You asked for input on whether your level of jealousy and how you reacted to jealousy was healthy so I assumed you did want opinions. I skimmed your responses - the bolding, etc made them hard to read - but I see that you don't agree that your boyfriend can take care of all of these situations without any interference from you or any actions on your part. Why is this your role at all - shouldn't he know when to get out of a situation that is going down an inappropriate path? You've described him as an educated professional - I would think he would have that level of common sense.

In my personal opinion it is far healthier to trust him enough and trust his judgment enough to behave appropriately - he doesn't need your assistance and your "asserting" yourself in the way you describe to me makes it worse all around, not better (unless he gets off on you doing that and if so, and that works for you more power to you).

You say that you feel secure and you gush about your relationship with him - which is normal too! - so I am surprised that you would behave this way when other women flirt with him. Doesn't seem consistent but maybe I'm missing something.

It also sounds like you encounter these situations regularly and they are not fun for you - so maybe you two might decide to stop hanging out so much in clubs with a lot of drunk people? (the impression your posts give is that this is a regular activity for you two on weekends).

I agree that no one should close you out of a conversation and if you come over you should be included as appropriate to the context and conversation. It seemed you wanted more acknowledgement than that of some sort just because you are with him. Thanks for clearing that up!

Yeah I gotta agree with Jaded Star on this one--10/4! When I am out shopping on the weekends with my daughter or even out at the clubs with my girls and the women that are around with their man do these things as if I would dare!! Half of the time it happens when THEY see their man checking me out and when they do it they look silly, childish and VERY insecure. To me that makes me glance back at him and shake my head in a way that he smirks because if I made a move I would be ableto grab him from her grip ASAP

I see what you are saying.. but here is the difference... these women are throwing themselves at him. And yeah, I know he could handle the situation, but I am right there so why not. You are probably minding your own business and these women think since you are attractive you are a threat... that's not the way I feel. If a gorgeous woman walks by, and say she even makes eye contact with him, that doesn't bother me. It's when these girls persist knowing he has someone... that's when I step up to the plate. Never because a woman is staring at him. NEVER EVER if nothing is even going on and there happens to be an attractive woman... I don't eyeball him to see if he is looking. I could care less because men look, and we do for that matter too.

Basically, I come in when the girl is crossing the line and being disrespectful. I assume he stops it when I am not there~ truly believe he does~ but if I am there I'm gonna do something again, if she continues once she has been told that he is off the market.

I am secure and if a lovely woman walks by and he takes notice~ how can I blame him. There is nothing wrong with looking.

Do I like it that other women want my b/f? I think that's what you are asking. Of course not. But I don't have control over every little drunken $lu! that comes along. I have control over me, that's about it. So if a girl is getting too flirtatious I will back her up myself. Do I wish that women somehow automatically knew that some guys were taken and kept their hands and comments to themselves... sure, in a perfect world that would happen. We aren't married so there is no ring to let them know, but once I let them know or my b/f does and they still continue... well, they better watch out for me because I will put them in their place.

See that is the point that these women are trying to prove to you-It's not your battle to fight off these women-It's your mans. Women go harder when the mans g/f is trying to bark on them because there is never someone that throws theirself at a man who has not shown interest. So somewhere in time it's your b/f's body language that suggests he is attracted to him and for them to do it while you are next to him it shows a lack of interest and/or respect for you. When I'm with my man outdoors he plays his position and stands up when that virile energy is needed. He knows what it is and all other females that are around knows what it is. He's quick to correct a disrespectful smut-he'll look at them and say don't you see this is my lady-stop disrespecting HER before I spit on you-!!!! Really rude but he's not going to let them not acknowledge us being together. So in actuality your b/f is not standing up for either one of you

He's quick to correct a disrespectful smut-he'll look at them and say don't you see this is my lady-stop disrespecting HER before I spit on you-!!!! Really rude but he's not going to let them not acknowledge us being together.

This is my point... when is enough enough? Like I said, I know he can handle it. He goes out with his boys and I completely trust that he handles it, but I am there~ so why should he have to? I guess that's my point. Rather than me take on a guy, I like it when he asserts himself as my man and pretty much says "are we going to have a problem here." While I do nothing and let him handle it.

Well I get where you are coming from to but on the strength of you not being there at all times there is no need for you to step in when you are there. The eye contact to me would be a bit uncomfortable because that is more than a worhtless conversation. You can suggest a million things through non-verbal communication and to be honest this is what I indirectly pay attention to. Have you ever heard this saying: the loudest one in the area is also the weakest one>-so in essense what I am trying to say is that soemtimes it's better to keep your mouth closed and your eyes shut because the ones that are throwing themselves at him are not the ones that will be the ones that get inside-if you get my drift.

SO to answer your question Jealousy is not OK from the female and it results in insecurity/ leave that up to him-the jealous part that is/

I hope I've helped at the least bit-if not then I apologize if i offended you i just needed to keep it at 100-Good Luck and Best Wishes!

Because it's none of your business - it is between him and the person who is behaving inappropriately. Would you interfere if a male bartender was rude to him? Probably not - you wouldn't want to emasculate him - would want him to deal with it in his own way. Same thing here except that your insecurity creeps in and you don't 100% trust that he will handle himself appropriately. It is his situation, his decision how to deal with it and it has nothing to do with you. Your finding it disrespectful to you is your issue - and it's removed from the only relevant issue - that a woman is hitting on him and he needs to decide whether and how and when to let her know that he is not interested.

In my humble opinion. But again if he likes you interfering - likes to see you a little jealous - and that works for the two of you - cool! Just make sure it doesn't make you feel even more insecure later as you wonder what would have happened had you not stepped in. Not that you should be but your approach provokes those kinds of feelings while watching him take care of it appropriately will reinforce the secure feelings.