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Can't eat...can't sleep..is it love?


FreedomRing

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The title says it all....Met someone just last week.....and we've hung out everday since....I can't eat, or sleep....can't concentrate at work...we've been emailing and texting throughout the day....is it love?? Throughout my 26 yrs of existence, and 3 failed relationships....I have NEVER felt this way before??!!! I now know the true meaning of all those corny phrases, "weak in the knees", "love at first sight", "felt it in my toes" etc....could it be L-o-v-e??

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I think a little more info, because I really don't believe in love at first sight... but I am always open for examples!!

 

What do you think attracts you SO much to him?

How did you meet? Have you known each other for awhile?

As far hanging out, what are you guys doing?

 

Just a couple of questions to see how you two have blossomed so fast....

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You will know whether it is true love after you have known this person for at least 6 to 9 months and dated him at least once a week or so. Right now it sounds like you are having loving feelings or infatuation based on who you think this person is and based on enjoying the feelings more than the actual person. I would suggest slowing things down so that you get to know him over time rather than "we talked every day for a week so it's like I've known him forever" You haven't. You've known one of your pairs of socks for far longer.

 

You have yet to see what he's like when he's: sick, happy about a work project, annoyed with his boss or his mother or best friend, annoyed with you, stressed, cranky (more than once!), engrossed in one of his hobbies, out with his friends, how he treats you in front of his parents, friends, colleagues, the waiter, the busdriver, etc.

 

Anyone can seem perfect after a week. It could be love but if it is -what's the rush in knowing that?

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Batya --that was funny...and true! Thanks for the quick responses...trust and believe, I am one of the most super cautious and leery ppl I know....which makes this even more NUTS to me!

 

If a friend would be telling me this situation, I would tell her to pump her brakes ASAP...not saying that feeling those feelings so soon is a bad thing, but just to be extra sure, regardless...

 

I agree with what everyone is saying....and I completely agree....but I feel like I'm on some kind of high or something...weird.

 

Nope, haven't known him before...met on a site..exchanged emails for a couple of weeks, moved to the phone, had a couple of chats, met up last week, and have been seeing each other everyday since...its absolutely incredible, and so scary and dangerous at the same time......thanks for the reality check...This past year has been one of the toughest I've faced in my life....and within the last couple of months, everything has been turning around for me...with my career, schooling(2 A's this semester in my grad program) family, etc...could it be love too? Either way, I'm going to enjoy the ride while it lasts, even if it does lead to.. :splat: tomorrow is never promised right..?

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Wow.. well happy to hear how well everything else is going in your life.

I say give it time. Yea sometimes we need people to snap us back to reality just a bit lol. You known him a week. Still got alot to find out about him..

Still. Good luck and enjoy the ride, excitement, and joy of getting to know him..

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Wow.. well happy to hear how well everything else is going in your life.

I say give it time. Yea sometimes we need people to snap us back to reality just a bit lol. You known him a week. Still got alot to find out about him..

Still. Good luck and enjoy the ride, excitement, and joy of getting to know him..

 

Thanks Jeck I was never really the hopeless romantic type...but I'm as giddy as schoolgirl again...YIKES..LOL

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Yes "everything is a risk." I prefer to live by weighing the particular risks. For me the risk of early burnout from seeing someone new every single day and talking every day is not worth it because if I choose instead to slow down to a reasonable pace I increase the long term chances which was always my goal as opposed to going at the speed of light because of the initial "high."

 

We never know what tomorrow will bring but for those of us who are interested in the long term you can make certain choices that make tomorrow somewhat more predictable in a relationship. For example, I know that if right now I called my bf because I miss him, left a VM and then called him again in a half hour because I still missed him, tomorrow when he came home from out of town we would have a huge fight because it was selfish of me to call him twice during an important meeting.

 

That's a silly example - I would never do that ever - but just an example of how we can have some control over "tomorrow" barring being run over by a bus of course (and most of us don't live that way anyway - thinking that "since I could be run over by a bus, I'll do x and y"

 

It's very easy to justify speed of light relationships, insta-relationships with the cliches "everything is a risk" and "who knows what tomorrow will bring" and harder to carefully weigh the risks and choose alternatives based on your personal evaluation. For me, since I have an interesting life, friends, work, activities, I wouldn't let someone new see me every day. Also, I love having time between dates to miss him, get excited, have him miss me (very important!!) and plan my outfit for the next date ;-)

 

If you're not letting him miss you that is also risky - I've seen many new relationships burn out because they guy who claimed to be so in love lost interest because the woman was way too available. To me personally every day emails, texts and seeing each other is wayyyy too available.

 

Some look at my view as "negative" - I like to look at it as realistic and attempting to result in a longer relationship - which is positive - by just holding back a wee bit while you are first getting to know someone.

Your choice...

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Yeah Batya, I completely agree...I do..but I also am aware of my mistrusting attitude and high level of skepticism when meeting someone.....it has become something that I didn't even enjoy, due to the scrutiny I put on new men and relationships in my life...mostly due to my childhood experiences. It just feels good this one time, to kinda be free and not think so much and overanalyze EVERY little thing. Sometimes going with the moment is ok...I THINK..

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I agree with the rest that you are in the wonderful "infatuation" stage and there is NOTHING wrong with that. It's awesome! But I think that WAY too many people make huge, life-changing decisions based on this infatuation, mistaking it for love. IMO, love comes long after the infatuation is gone. Love is there when you see them lose their job or lose their temper. Love is there when they're at their worst and you can still look at them and think "this person is amazing." THAT is love. But that only comes with time... a lot of time and exposure to them.

 

Sounds exciting! And enjoy it... Just don't go getting pregnant or moving in with him next week, M'kay?

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No, it's lust and infatuation.

 

Love in the way I see it is something that takes time...and comes as you get to know each other for whom you really are and share not just the fun infatuated phases, but some of the tough things in life AND in the relationship too.

 

You really don't know him, what you know of him is based more on your impressions and expectations at this point (and same for him). Nothing wrong with that, that is biology at work urging us to "get things done", but as human beings we are also able to not just listen to biology alone.

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You misunderstand - my point is that I am not skeptical - just realistic. I am not surprised when people who are "in love" after a week label me as skeptical just because I advocate enjoying the feeling yet staying a bit grounded in the interest of the long term.

Going with the moment is great as long as you are aware of and accept the risks. For me, going with the moment by seeing someone every day who I just met would not feel freeing - it would feel a bit foolish and sabotaging. But that's just me.

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First of all, congratulations! It's a great feeling isn't it? I had the same experiences when I was 19, 33 and 37! It was wonderful. Unfortunately none of them turned into real relationships (I mean, longer than 3 months), because they weren't the kind of guys I thought they were after all, but I think infatuation is a necessary step to be able to "in love" with someone. I got infatuation with my current boyfriend 7 months after I met him and I think I'm in love with him now after knowing him for a year. He is the first person I think of in the morning, and the last person I think of before I go to bed.

 

Your feelings for him may become a real love one day, so just relax and enjoy the ride!

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I'm sorry to quibble over a word but it's a minor pet peeve of mine when people who happen to fall in infatuation or meet someone new are "congratulated." What precisely have those people accomplished? The ability to be really into someone for one week? What do they have that warrants "congratulations" - a one week relationship and some really yummy/incredible feelings? I just don't think that that is something that someone who is unattached should strive for as some sort of event to be congratulated for - happening to meet someone you fall head over heels with over a one week period of time.

 

Someone like Raykay - with her boyfriend long term, working hard on communication, the health of their relationship, steadfastly loyal, loving and committed - that's an example of "congratulations!" in my opinion because of the effort and commitment and time she has put into this.

 

I completely agree that the OP should enjoy these delicious feelings and have a blast!

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You misunderstand - my point is that I am not skeptical - just realistic. I am not surprised when people who are "in love" after a week label me as skeptical just because I advocate enjoying the feeling yet staying a bit grounded in the interest of the long term.

Going with the moment is great as long as you are aware of and accept the risks. For me, going with the moment by seeing someone every day who I just met would not feel freeing - it would feel a bit foolish and sabotaging. But that's just me.

 

Well actually Batya, I think you've misunderstood me. I didn't label you as skeptical...I was describing MY typical behavior when meeting someone new...not you...but ME. Nor did I actually conclude that I was "in love"...just merely a question I threw out for the board to get other's opinions because I have NEVER felt these sort of feelings or "high" once in my life....

 

Perhaps I should slow it down, and not see him everyday....I have been toying with that idea precisely because I AM aware of the risks....but I have NEVER been one to just go with my initial "gut" feelings.....and the one time I'm actually doing it(now), I'm trying to fight the feeling, and come up with reasons why it's wrong....and to be honest...THAT doesn't feel right..

 

I appreciate your perspective, just trying to make myself clear..

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No, it's lust and infatuation.

 

Love in the way I see it is something that takes time...and comes as you get to know each other for whom you really are and share not just the fun infatuated phases, but some of the tough things in life AND in the relationship too.

 

You really don't know him, what you know of him is based more on your impressions and expectations at this point (and same for him). Nothing wrong with that, that is biology at work urging us to "get things done", but as human beings we are also able to not just listen to biology alone.

 

 

Yes I agree with you RayKay...real love does take time....but for the record...every relationship I have been in, I never felt the initial "spark" that so many ppl speak of....actually I thought that "spark" feeling was all BS, tbh. I was one of the ppl that believed hey, if he looks good on paper, and I'm only mildly attracted to him...he's a winner! While my attraction to those guys did indeed grow to deep love for them....I always wondered about that whole "chemistry" and "spark" element..I guess you could say, I wondered if I was settling in a sense.....

 

Now having experienced the spark and chemistry(albeit mostly physical right now, due to the limited time that we've known each other) I can def say that I WILL NEVER settle for someone who just looks good on "paper" again.....this "infatuation, lust, strong adoration" whatever it is......I want to hold on forever...because that is what I believe LOVE is really about....or at least a good chunk

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Can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate, weakness in parts of the body...

 

Sounds like you have a bug to me. Maybe stop by your doctor? j/k

 

Just enjoy it for what it is right now and worry about putting a label on it later, when you've spent enough time with him to really know who he is as a person.

 

Yeah thanks....this is what I plan to do for sure....I'm overly cautious by nature, so I'm being mindful to an extent...but really just trying to enjoy it for what it is now.....

 

Pixel...def will NOT be getting pregnant and shackin up..lol I'd be a liar if the thought hadn't BREEZED by in my mind though....eeekkk...what did i just say?

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Hmm, while I would say passion is part of loving someone, I would not personally see that "infatuation/lust" is what love is really about.

 

Even when that spark is there at first, it does not mean it will be down the road....nor does it mean it will become love.

 

The "spark" is amazing, but I would say that the "spark" at this stage is definitely more infatuation; not so much overall chemistry that comes with time. There are a lot of theories out there about that early spark; but basically it comes down to it is generally a biological response in some form or another. One popular one is that it is based on genetics (i.e. knowing that genetically they are a good match for offspring); if you are too similar genetically there is less attraction.

 

Of course, in pure biology the idea would be to mate, have offspring, and move on. So the spark does not take into account things like compatibility, whether they are a good partner, communicator, compassionate, committed, whether you have emotional connection, and whether you can really "work" together etc. Of course, oddly enough, it is during the spark BEFORE these later things are known people tend to rush into things thinking the spark is the real thing...only to wake up one day and wonder whom the hell this person is next to them and what were they thinking..

 

In other words, while a great feeling as it "wakens" our energy and feels great, it is not something that is necessarily a great thing to rely on in whether it is (or will be) "love or not".

 

Love is an action, that is taken by each party. In fact, the most "action" must be taken when you often feel the spark the least. Even if your relationship started off with sparks, there are going to be days in the future you wonder sometimes what the hell are you doing there! That is the nature of love and long term relationships, as it is in the toughest times where we need to stretch ourselves the most together that love grows. Love does not come as it is "easy", it comes as we work at it and commit to it and push ourselves to our capacity as we redefine ourselves and our relationships.

 

In other words, I agree you need to be more than "just good on paper" it is not good to ignore the important qualities, needs and desires you have for a long term partner in favour of that initial spark either.

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I continue to agree with RK that love is an action far more than a feeling and the action part is far more meaningful and important. In one of your posts - well, it's all about "you" "I want to feel this way" "I will never settle again" -there's a vast difference between a healthy loving relationship where the spark isn't what you're exactly feeling right now and a relationship that is based on "good on paper."

 

I am not criticizing you for feeling this way, just asking you to consider reevaluating whether you "have to" feel this level of a spark in order to be with someone and whether that spark is the most important thing (as opposed to love that is more active - towards the other person - even when you might not feel the spark) - if it is I would be very concerned if you acted on that spark by getting pregnant or doing anything else that drastically changes your real life.

 

When you said you were typically skeptical it was in agreement with my previous post which is why I confirmed that my view isn't "skeptical."

 

Look - you're willing to take the risks because right now it feels great -- it will be interesting to see if 6 months down the road you still feel this intense spark and, if you don't - if it lessens - whether for you that will mean he's "just mr. right on paper."

 

It's also interesting that if you're so convinced about how great this is you're not willing to have faith in "if it's meant to be then it will be meant to be in 6 months, in a year, in 5 years, etc." and if so..... what's the rush? From what I've seen being this available this fast has a high risk of burnout or discovering you're not compatible down the road - while if you slow it down just a bit you likely won't get as attached to this person you barely know or as attached to the "high." And on the positive side you actually get to know this person you see as perfect for you.

 

It may sound like I'm telling you what to do - I'm not - but the more you post the more it sounds like you're throwing caution to the wind in the way you are not to connect with this person but to enjoy the "high."

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Yes I am not going to ignore any of the other important qualities, I feel makeup and are essential in maintaing a successful relationship....I hope I don't come off like I'm willing to totally disregard those other elements, because that is NOT what I'm trying to convey...moreso, just highlighting how in other relationships, I concentrated on those precise elements and ignored feelings of strong chemistry or infatuation if you will, and look where those ended up....? Who knows where this could end up either....but I am willing to keep my eyes open and (as much as I can, in this state of euphoria) and watch concentrate on OTHER qualities I deem important as well...

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A great way to do that - to get perspective - is to integrate him into your life at a reasonable pace - right now, it's artificial/ fantasy like in the sense that you're getting to know him at lightning speed through the lens of this euphoria. If you saw him once or twice a week and spoke with him briefly a few times a week otherwise - (and for me it would also mean delaying sex since for me that clouds the brain too), you could see whether in the context of your real life - and his real life - you two are compatible - and especially how he is over time and how you are over time. Everyone can take a vacation from reality and be charming, adorable and yummy.

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