"I don't want to be in a relationship right now"

I'm 25. I recently came out and was in no mood for a relationship, having fun meeting random men in bars and on the internet and just stretching my legs a little bit. Always safe of course. Until one day about a month and a half ago when I met this guy at a bar and fireworks went off. We hit it off really great and I could tell it was mutual. We spent the entire night at a bar, not even getting drunk, just talking, laughing and making out... sometimes we just sat there and kind of shook our heads to the music a little bit and stared at each other.

He dropped me off at home that night and I was surprised that for once, I had not gone to bed with someone straight off. I emailed him the next day and to my pleasure, he emailed me back and said that he had been thinking about me a lot too. We made plans for that night. He took me out to dinner and after dinner, we went back to his place and fooled around all night. No sex. Just fooling around like teenagers. And it was awesome. We laughed during the romp, just lay there staring at each other for hours. I realized then that I was starting to fall for this guy and was seriously starting to doubt if I should see him again when he started telling me that he didn't mean to freak me out, but that he had been searching for someone like for forever and that he didn't expect for me to stay exclusive, but that I had "answered his prayers". At this point, I took the risk, I took the plunge and told him that I was starting to like him too. It made such a satisfying end to a night of romp.

It was an amazing first week. Nights out eating. Spending the night at his place and vice versa. Cooking for each other. Being introduced to his friends who all said "We've never seen him this excited over a guy". This guy is 46 (I like them mature) and has never been in a relationship before and everyone seemed genuinely happy to see him be genuinely happy with someone.

Things went pretty well for a while. My sister was out of town so I told him that I would like to see him as much as possible before she came back. This guy was also about to start a new job soon where his hours would have been totally different from mine so I figured we could cash in on what time we had together. And hey, I figured, if he digs me as much as he claims to, is it that big of a deal for us to see each other as much as possible while we can?

It worked like that for the first week but then from the second week. the guy started to change. It got harder and harder for me to get ahold of him on the phone and he started not wanting to come over, stating he was tired and wanted to go to bed. I finally confronted him about it and he basically admitted that he was a little scared about being in a relationship and wanted to slow things down a little bit. I got a little angry during the call, but eventually, we made up and the guy showed up with flowers apologizing for being a * * * * and that he did want to "be with me" and that he just needed to work on his relationship skills a little.

After he started his job, I reconciled myself with the fact that we would only get to see each other on the weekends. Even that started to change though, with him telling me "I don't need to see you every weekend!" We had a huge fight on the phone where I bascially told him that this was just hurting too bad and that it might be best if we broke up. We did and I went home and cried on my sister's shoulder.

The guy texted me that night though and told me that I was right and that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone and that I had done nothing wrong. I called him later that week to see if there was any chance of us working things out when he basically gave me an entire speech on how:

1. There was a reason why he was 46 and single.

2. He just didn't believe that he was meant to be in a relationship.

3. That at this point, if he wanted a relationship, it would be with me.

4. That if he didn't have a job, he might consider it.

5. He is very happy with his life and really needs nothing more right now.

6. It's him and not me.

Etc. etc. etc. It was basically a clever breakup speech where you blame it all on yourself so all the other party can do is listen in horror. I couldn't help it and lost total control of the call and kept asking him why he had said the things he had said to me. He eventually said that I shouldn't put too much stock into things that are said "in the heat of the moment".

Eventually, we decided to stay friends. As much as the thought kills me.

I know that was a mouthful, but here's my dilemma.

I am still very much in love with this guy. Very much. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't think he said all the things he said to me to get into my pants, he's not about sex too much at all, which is weird for a top, I know. But he's all I think about. I think about him having sex with other people, kissing them, making the same faces he made at me and it makes me want to take a thumb tack and shove it into my eye. I really do think that this guy did genuinely like me and that he wanted to be in a relationship with me but perhaps my blatant honesty combined with his stubborn mentality and him getting back into a work schedule after 1.5 years might have made him think a relationship is too much work. The other possible scenario is that he might just have said what he said without meaning anything ("you've answered my prayers"), but I doubt that. I mean the guy was talking to my sister on the phone, introduced me to his friends and his roommate... People don't do that with random hookups do they? Doesn't it seem more likely that he's saying that just to help me get over not having him?

He called me this last weekend and we went out to a movie. He's always dressed nice, but he wasn't that day. I mean it could have been a message "We're just friends so I don't need to dress up for you" or maybe he was just in a rush... I don't know. We paid dutch and watched the movie together. We laughed together, but he would hardly ever even look at me. Which is so different from how he used to be before. Was he nervous? Or is he just afraid of leading me on? He did comment on my clothes and said I looked good. Even flirted with me a few times. He brought up hooking up with different people and I told him I wasn't interested right now. He dropped me off at home and on the way there, once again brought up how he "didn't want to toy with my emotions" hinting at the fact that I put too much stock into a passing comment and that's the only reason why I feel hurt. He didn't touch me or anything on the way home, but he did slap my knee playfully once. Excuse my rambling, I am so thoroughly hurt and wanting right now.

I don't know what to do. I want this guy back. I don't want anyone else. I can't even think about anyone else. I know it's already been a month/only been a month, but he's still on my mind every day. I can't even get it up anymore. I don't know if I should talk to him about whether he thinks he didn't mean it when he said he loved me or what. Because that would hurt more than anything. At least with the "I'm not ready to be in a relationship" bull * * * * , I can understand... He's 46, lives alone... feeling weird. But in light of his actions, the first scenario just sounds like something he's saying to get out of analyzing his emotions, right?

And do you think he's just trying to stay friends because he feels bad about not wanting to be with me? Like a pity meet? Anytime I say anything like "If you ever decide you want to be in a relationship" or that "I'll always have hope", he gets really quiet or says something about how if I find someone I like, I should move on and not wait for him. At this point, I can't tell if he really wants something with me but is too worried about hurting me or if this is just some bizarre Christian-guilt trip thing. He sounded pretty confident when he said he really did not want a relationship right now, if ever... that he is truly happy with his life the way it is... but that could just be a ploy couldn't it? I mean he was so excited about me when we first started hanging out together.

My plan right now is to just not call him this next week and see what happens. In the meantime, do I need to let this guy go? How do I do that? Why does the thought of him being with other people bother me so much? I know it sounds juvenile and childish of me to say it, but in my heart, I really do feel like this guy is just scared and thinks a relationship is too much work. How can I help him realize that a relationship is, is a fancy word for two people who like each other and only want to have sex with each other? And that's the other dilemma, I don't know if I should grow up and tell him that I can go back to the way things should have been which was just mutual * * * * buddies, but ones who only * * * * ed each other, to be a little graphic. He had stated in the initial beautiful days of our "relationship", that he didn't expect me to be exclusive, but that he really was done hooking up with random people. Do you think it's possible for me to evolve back into, "I just like having sex with this guy" mode after so many nights of cuddling and making out and spooning to sleep? Do you think I should even clarify this thing that's bugging me about how he's changing the issue now? Because what's bugging me is that he's acting like he feels bad that I took certain things he said way too seriously and that's why he wants to be friends. Which I feel is not true. And for some reason, I want to hear him confirm that the truth is that he's just not in the mood for a relationship right now. Or is it best to just shut up and see what happens?

I know this is a long post, but I felt like all the details were important. Everyone's telling me to just move on, but they don't realize that I want to find some way to make it work and a part of me feels like this guy would not be calling me and coming to see me to "test the waters", if he feels something for me, but just doesn't want to admit it because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings again/doesn't know how to. Then again, this is also the same guy that when I told him "I wish I could over this just as easily as you have" nodded with this "Duh!" look on his face.

I don't know. Help me. I'm having flowers sent to his house on Valentine's Day too. I have no idea what I'm doing here.

30000monkeys

Well, that was an extremely long post and had me exhausted!

But, what i take from it is that you met this guy, you hit it off immediately, everything was okay for about a month and then all of a sudden, he turns cold on you.

My thoughts are

• Perhaps he has an impulse control disorder, is very impulsive at the beginning and when he stops to think what he is doing, things look very different to him and he starts to reneg.
  
• 
  
• The age-difference is an issue
  
• 
  
• The job could be stressing him out, in which case, you may want to wait it out a bit and see how it goes over the next month or so.

I've always had the 'easy come, easy go' theory, where if something is really easy to attain, it usually has little value and leaves your life just as quickly as it arrived.

I can't really tell you what to do, but my impression is that i think you jumped in too early. Unfortunately, we all learn that lesson at some stage in our lives.

If you are catching up with him socially, then the ties are still there and all is not lost.

I just think it's weird how he is so enthusiastic about you and then pulls back. It is almost sociopathic. Sorry if this seems harsh, but it's not normal to switch off so easily. IMO.

I really feel for you, it is a horrible situation to be in.

I think the only thing you can do now is wait it out, set a time limit, because you do not want to be feeling like this for an indefinate period of time. You may decide to give him until the middle of March. You may decide not to call for the next two weeks and then call after that. You need to make an action plan if you can and stick to it so that you can salvage some self-esteem.

Another suggestion would be to keep yourself busy and rediscover some acitivities that you get pleasure from. Even if we find that special someone, we should never give up our individual hobbies.

I think, for now, you need to keep yourself busy. He knows where he stands with you and you not calling him may just give him a taste of reality.

Yeah, if i were you, i would definitely pull back at this stage and see where it goes.

Thanks a lot for the response. I just looked over my initial post. Whew! Talk about exhausting. I think I may be thinking about this waaay too much. But isn't that how the heart works?

I'm not going to contact him at all. If he calls me again this weekend, I think that might say a lot about how he feels even if he isn't ready/willing/comfortable admitting it yet.

The only thing I wonder is if I should even bring up this subtle transition he is trying to make from "I'm not ready for a relationship" to "I never wanted a relationship in the first place".

The logical part of me knows that I should just be myself, act like I don't care and like I don't need him, but the illogical part of me keeps thinking that explanations explanations explanations are the only way to go.

What a mess.

explanations explanations explanations are the only way to go.

Do you mean asking him for an explanation?

The thing is, he may not even know why he is behaving like this.

It just sounds to me like he is an impulsive person and may not have thought his actions through before opening his mouth. It's called 'foot in mouth' disease. Lol.

But, the good news is, time will tell: the truth will emerge eventually. You might not get it from him, but in time, his actions will become clear and you will get your answer. Most probably from your own intuition. All of a sudden the pieces will come together to form a whole.

But, yeah, in the meantime, do what you say and withdraw for a while. See where it leads. If you really do feel the need to call him at least do it with a clear mind.

What a weirdo.

Do you mean asking him for an explanation?

I meant about explaining to him that I'm not buying this whole "I never mentioned being in a relationship" excuse that he's evolving into. The only thing worse than hearing "I don't want to see you anymore" is "I never did". You're right though, I suppose at this point, any further discussion is apt to lead to "I am so glad I ended this". I'll try to control my mouth, even though he's the one who keeps bringing things up.

Thanks for your advice! 3 days of NC and counting.

Well, it might be a good idea to keep your mouth shut until you are sure which direction you want to head in with this person.

But, yeah, i think for now, refraining from contacting him is the best thing

One week of NC. He didn't contact me at all this weekend. I'm not going to contact him until he contacts me. Assuming I can hold out.

At this point I'm still devastated. Why does it still hurt so bad? I have rotten dreams almost every night and I wake up way to early after having gone to bed way too late. What's more, I try to think about dating other people and I've browsed, but I end up comparing him to Him all the time. I'm weaning myself off the nictoine and the booze as I'm starting to depend on them waay too much and I know that in the long run that's going to screw me over.

I hate to sound whiny over what most people are telling me is "just a part of life", but I feel bewildered. Things were going to so well. I even offered to give him time. I don't normally invest my feelings in anyone. If I meet a guy I like, I usually never see him again. He drew me in, was so wonderful to me for a month and then boom! I'm the one left feeling like I was too needy and clingy. It's severely damaged my dating persona. I feel crushed and defective. And the thought of him with someone else, doing the same things he did with me... is driving me nuts.

What sucks is that I'm debating the whole friends-with-benefits thing which I definitely know is a bad idea.

Just venting. Wishing I was over this.

For those just tuning in now:

I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met a guy. We hit it off really great. He initiated a relationship. I responded. A month later, he started a new job and broke things off with me stating that he never wants to be in a relationship and is happy with his life the way it is. I still have feelings for him and believes he has feelings for me.

Anyway, I'm having a huge freaking dilemma now.

1. The urge to break NC is growing. We've been NC for two weeks now. The last NC break was also him not me. But now... the urge is growing. I've followed all the wiki answers. I've gone out and tried to have fun. I've tried to drown myself in my hobbies/work. None of it is working. I don't sit around moping anymore, but I'm still constantly thinking of this man. Now... the urge to break NC is growing at an alarming rate. Last weekend, I even held down the speed dial button for a second before my resolve strengthened.

2. I'm still sending him flowers on Valentine's Day. I'm not expecting anything in return. I'm really not. Not even a phone call. I don't even want a phone call because I don't want to have to explain what those flowers mean. Even I don't know what they mean. If he calls me though, how should I play it? Should I flirt with him a little. "Maybe I'm just trying to get into your pants". Should I act aloof? "Oh yeah... flowers, completely forgot about them". Or should I act like it means nothing at all, "Hey man, they're just flowers, nothing meant by them, I have to go now though ok, take care of yourself."

Help!

Hi bolt,

You can either contact him and be prepared for the consequences, whatever they may be, or continue not to contact him for whatever reasons.

Going by what you have said, in relation to the alcohol and ciggies, it sounds like you have some addiction issues, or are a bit needy in some ways (not judging, just observing) Is it possible you are scaring this guy away by being needy?

I don't know about the whole no contact thing. Sometime i believe you need to exhaust all avenues before you can truelly move on, however, I do believe you need to cease all contact with someone if they are like poison to you

1. There was a reason why he was 46 and single.

2. He just didn't believe that he was meant to be in a relationship.

3. That at this point, if he wanted a relationship, it would be with me.

4. That if he didn't have a job, he might consider it.

5. He is very happy with his life and really needs nothing more right now.

6. It's him and not me.

Sounds pretty honest to me ^^. he laid it all out. I think you need to go ahead and believe what he said. I know it hurts, but yeah, there is probably a GOOD reason he is 46 and has always been single.

Hi bolt,

 

You can either contact him and be prepared for the consequences, whatever they may be, or continue not to contact him for whatever reasons.

 

Going by what you have said, in relation to the alcohol and ciggies, it sounds like you have some addiction issues, or are a bit needy in some ways (not judging, just observing) Is it possible you are scaring this guy away by being needy?

 

I don't know about the whole no contact thing. Sometime i believe you need to exhaust all avenues before you can truelly move on, however, I do believe you need to cease all contact with someone if they are like poison to you

Hey mgirl,

I smoke and drink, sometimes in moderation, sometimes in excess about as much as anyone turns to prayer or sex in times of stress I guess. I really do need to quit and not because it has anything to do with the addiction aspect of it, but the health aspect. I just look at them as bad habits I picked up along the way somewhere, but maybe I do have an addictive personality, who knows.

As far as being needy goes, I really don't know mgirl. This guy was answering my phone for me a week after we met. I never asked him for money or compliments or emotional support in any way. Just his company at least once a week... You're right though, I think the depth of my emotion when compared to his may have turned him off but I never would have allowed myself to be honest if I hadn't felt like we were on the same page. And we were. I feel like I've been had. And maybe that's why this itches so much.

This may sound terribly naive, but it just feels like the lesson I'm supposed to learn from all this is to never ever be honest with a man, regardless of what he says or does. Always act aloof, disinterested...

My NC resolve has been strengthened though. The only way to give this a chance is to back off I guess. I'm still sending the flowers. I just don't know how to respond to the call, if it comes. No more talk of "getting back together" and "having faith" that's for sure.

2187968]Hey mgirl,

This may sound terribly naive, but it just feels like the lesson I'm supposed to learn from all this is to never ever be honest with a man, regardless of what he says or does. Always act aloof, disinterested...

My NC resolve has been strengthened though. The only way to give this a chance is to back off I guess. I'm still sending the flowers. I just don't know how to respond to the call, if it comes. No more talk of "getting back together" and "having faith" that's for sure.

Well, you can be honest with a man, but just wait and see next time. I don't think you should act aloof, cos then you're giving in to all the ars&holes of this world and letting them destroy your soul. You know, the worst thing is to become bitter and twisted, it will only alienate you. You say you were meant to learn a lesson from this, well, I don't know if 'lessons' can be transfered to others, it is usually about the person or situation in question.

I think backing off is best for your self-esteem. At least if nothing happens, you still have self-respect and believe me, you will be thankful for it later.

Re the flowers. I don't see any harm in sending them, just be prepared for no response, and if he does, remember you said you were expecting nothing in return?! My advice is, don't have a rehearsed answer. Think about it a little, but wait and see what happens. Why don't you send yourself a bunch of flowers?!