Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Advice on how to not be so controlling??

  1. #1
    PLM15
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    8

    Advice on how to not be so controlling??

    I'd like to know if anyone has some suggestions on how to "let go" of the need to always be in control and always be "right".

    My boyfriend is much more relaxed, and he feels my "strong will" is overshadowing his needs....he's right, and I want to learn how to soften my style to better balance with his.

  2. #2
    Crazyaboutdogs
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    53
    Posts
    25,673
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    22
    Be very aware of your behaviour as you are doing it. When you find yourself trying to get in the last word, stop yourself, when you find yourself trying to dictate to him, stop yourself. You have to be fully aware of yourself at all times and then make a conscious effort to stop the behaviour.

  3. #3
    DN

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    42,515
    Thanked
    8
    Welcome to ENA.

    Before you open your mouth when you feel the need to argue or contradict - stop and ask yourself if this is something that you:
    • must say
    • should say
    • could easily let go
    • should let go
    • must let go

  4. #4
    JadedStar
    JadedStar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    On a star far, far away...
    Posts
    16,141
    Thanked
    3
    I agree with CAD and DN. Don't just blurt things out. Think about what you are going to say and how you plan to say it. Allow him to be right more. Stop challenging eveything he says.

    I have a tendency to do this myself. I am a little overbearing at times and I have slight OCD which doesn't help. I tend to play devil's advocate a lot too which can be misconstrued as wanting to argue when really i am not at all. It is often mySELF i am second guessing and challenging the most but I say these things outloud and it looks like I am challenging what someone else has suggested.

    You just have to be aware of what you do and say. If your b/f is by nature much less assertive it's difficult because it's hard to change our personalities. You see some couples where it is obvious one is more assertive and a tad more overbearing than the other. As long as you make sure that what you do and say is respectful to him it shouldn't matter if it is a bit mroe aggressive than his own nature. No one expects the other to be a carbon copy of ourselves. Or at least they shouldn't.

    Don't play the role of demure quiet female if that is not who you are. Just be yourself but before you do or say something tihnk first "is what i am about to say or do treating him with respect"? If the answer is no don't say it. And...Treating a person with respect doesn't mean you never challenge them or agree with them all the time.

  5. #5
    Hope75
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    kitteh ville
    Age
    41
    Posts
    12,761
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    1
    Everyone has some good advice. Think before you speak. Give yourself a second before you open your mouth. Ask yourself how important it is- than think, 'how would I respond to someone who said this to me?'

    Remember he is your equal- not a possession or subservient.

    No one wants to date their mother.

    Good luck!

  6. #6
    minigirl
    Member minigirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Somewhere far far away....
    Posts
    43
    Is it programmed into females to be 'in control'?
    Actually...I read somewhere on the internet that when everything is out of your control in life and something about being a relationship is the only your can ' control'.
    Thats where the too 'in-control' thing happens to fall in.
    One will then try to control/ make things the way they want becasue they feel this is the only aspect in one hands that they can manuever.

  7. #7
    JadedStar
    JadedStar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    On a star far, far away...
    Posts
    16,141
    Thanked
    3
    Quote Originally Posted by minigirl [Register to see the link]
    Is it programmed into females to be 'in control'?
    Actually...I read somewhere on the internet that when everything is out of your control in life and something about being a relationship is the only your can ' control'.
    Thats where the too 'in-control' thing happens to fall in.
    One will then try to control/ make things the way they want becasue they feel this is the only aspect in one hands that they can manuever.
    I don't think it is programmed in females to be in control. It is a personality type that a man or woman can possess.

    As for the other stuff you said, all true. But the thing is not many people want to date a person who is feeling such loss of control that they have to "control" their relationship in this manner. I'd run like he11 from a person like that.

  8. #8
    PLM15
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    8
    Thanks everyone for your replies....all had some great advice that I can use. I would also be interested in hearing ways to relax, be more easygoing....less "Type A".

  9. #9
    Crazyaboutdogs
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    53
    Posts
    25,673
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    22
    Quote Originally Posted by PLM15 [Register to see the link]
    Thanks everyone for your replies....all had some great advice that I can use. I would also be interested in hearing ways to relax, be more easygoing....less "Type A".
    Get a dog!!! You will laugh more, be more relaxed and won't be as anal about everything (except your dog's anal issues..both personality and pooping habits LOL). Also, somebody once told me that if you are stressing about something, stop and ask yourself the following question "will this really matter a year from now". Most things a person stresses about are actually quite trivial in the grand scheme of things.

  10. #10
    JadedStar
    JadedStar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    On a star far, far away...
    Posts
    16,141
    Thanked
    3
    You are talking to the Queen of the Type A personality here...
    What has helped me is forcing myself to slow down, smell the roses as it were. You have to make a conscious effort to try to slow down and appreciate the little things.

    I have heard yoga is great for people like us altho i have never tried it.

  11.  

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Top Threads
Why do people always feel the need to point out that someone is "quiet"?
Why do people always feel the need to point out that someone is "quiet"? The reason why I ask is because sometimes I am always being asked by people
How to get out of the "stuck in the rut" situation?
For a very long time I have been suffering from the feeling of not being good enough. I have finished college and managed to land a decent job, but
Shyness a real problem
Hello, I'm only 16 years old and a teenage girl. I actually really feel like I am different when it comes to be with a group of people I don't know

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
Completely Confused? What does this mean?
Hi All- I was dating a guy for almost a year. We had a pretty great relationship- Things got serious. We told each other we loved each other. Even
Boyfriend told me he couldn't afford holiday, next day books one to Thailand
Basically my boyfriend of 6 months is $40k in debt (I'm debt-free). We had talked about going to Vietnam and he said he needed 6 months to save up
Not a regular here, I have a few questions...
I'll try to make this brief. Been in a relationship (23F) with a man (35) for 5 years. Typical in the beginning, though I always wondered how he
Weed or Me
Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months - he is 31 and I am 24. He has recently started smoking weed every night and I don't really
Is He Hiding from Me?
Hi All, Need some advice from those that are familiar with social media apps such as Instagram.. I'v been friends with this guy for about a
Red flag in friendship
I've been through a terrible first break up and was in a lot of pain. I was physically and mentally sick due to the stress of the break up but I'm
I broke hard NC after 7 months (B I G M I S T A K E)
No surprise, I'm absolutely devastated. She pretty much blew me off like I was a piece of trash. At first I was happy because she actually responded
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •