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My girlfriend died, just feel lost.


Dagless

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I posted on this site over 3 years ago about how I felt about this girl I met at work. I struggled with my emotions to tell her how I felt because we became such great friends but after 2 years of knowing each other we gave it ago. We loved each other so much and even though we argued sometimes we always said sorry cus we knew we needed each other, we couldn't live without each other.

On * ***** she collapsed while we were at her house and her heart stopped. She was in intesive care until the following friday, they knew she wouldn't recover and they let her slip away. I spent those 5 day by her bed side hoping and praying she would pull through, being strong for her but on the thursday I knew she was gone and I feel like everything had been torn out of me. It was a relief to see her go on that friday night, I kissed her and told her I loved her so many times. I feared she'd linger on for days.

 

 

It's been a week since then and I've cried until i've become numb inside. The numdness lasted for just a day, I now just feel sad and lost.

The worst thing, the thing thats driving me crazy is that I can't hold her, kiss her, feel her face against mine. This morning I felt like I was losing my mind cus i miss her so much and at night when I would be going out to see her or call her I become like a caged Tiger, pacing around not Knowing what to do with myself.

I love her so much I don't know what I'm going to do without her.

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Do they know what caused the heart failure?

 

I have been in almost the exact same shoes as you....I was 22, my boyfriend was almost 26 (two weeks shy) and we had been together five years. He collapsed due to a massive cerebral hemorrhage and never woke up....had emergency surgery, was in ICU in a coma for five days - then had a sudden swelling in his brain that crushed his brain stem and he died. Was removed from life support the next day.

 

All I can say - 6 years later - is life does get better and it does go on. Those first few days, weeks, months were very trying and it often felt surreal. I often felt very "different" as none of my peers had ever been through that.

 

He was a wonderful man whom truly lived and loved life, and I used that as incentive to carry on and live in that way too.

 

I still think of him, and wish he was alive and always will, but I am very happy in my life, and have a wonderful partner. Life does go on, and you owe it to her to live that life to the fullest.

 

Take care - don't be afraid to go to counseling/therapy. There are many grief/bereavement groups for young people whom have lost loved ones like yourself - search them out.

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They don't know what happened. There was nothing wrong with her, she didn't complain of feeling ill or anything. She just called out my name and i found her on the kitchen floor struggling for breath.

I look at pictures of her but they seem so two dimensional, I want to reach in and hold her. We were together just over two years but I knew her for over four. We were soulmates, how we met was freaky. We use to stay up till late at night just talkin about anythin we could think of. Then we would get drunk and end up kissing and rolling round on the carpet. It's hard to think that all that has just gone.

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Dagless,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and offer my condolences. While most of the people here at ENA have your best interest at heart, most of us aren't qualified to help someone in your situation. Like RayKay mentioned, you might want to see a therapist or someone who is more capable of helping you through this difficult time. One of my friends recently lost a loved one and ended up going to a therapist after a weeek or so, she said it really helped her.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

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Thanks, but i just want everyone to know i'm not alone through this, I'm lucky enough to have a loving family round me. My mother has been fantastic, she (and her brothers, sisters and mother) went through something similar when her father died suddenly of a heart attack 20 years ago on new years day.

It just helps me to put these feelings down and have people read then and not judge me.

I lay next to her and willed my life in to her and I wished that I could died with her so that we could be together but I don't feel that way now. Maybe the numbness was there to protect myself from those thoughts.

I've questioned what happened that night, questioned if what i did was right, that what I did was enough. It's gone through my head a thousand times to the point I didn't want to think about it anymore. But I know now that if i had done nothing she would have gone that night with no hope and no time to say goodbye.

I'm grateful for that, it just doesn't make it any easier

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Aww, I'm so sorry Dagless I can't offer any good advice, just wanted to let you know that I care and that you have my best wishes. It might not seem like it now but it will get easier - just give it some time. I'm glad that you have a supporting family around you! Is that you and her in your avatar?

 

Again my best wishes!

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Thank you, all of you it means a lot. We'd been through a lot in our short time together. This year was going to be a big year for us, we talked about getting married, I was going to move in with her once I'd learn't to drive and we both got the money sorted. You always think you've got time.

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She wanted to get engaged but I felt it was all so quick, i wanted for us to live together first. I see now she just wanted to be happy, her life was so unhappy before we got together. Her childhood was bad and she got mixed up with a gambling addict who really messed her about.

 

She wrote a load of poetry, she was brilliant like that. I was going to read them if I could find them but sorting through some stuff I found a letter, to him. It was over 4 years old and he never got it but it was enough for me to stop looking.

 

All that mattered is the time we spent together, not the mistakes of the past. The last people she saw alive was me and her son and I know that would have made her happy.

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I went round her house and took a few things I wanted to keep, things I'd bought her, CDs she like to listen to. I don't intend to go back to the house knowing thats where we spent Christmas, thats where we used to sleep. I've made sure I've still got all the cards, letters and poems she wrote me. I know i'll need them

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Dagless/15 Storeys High - man your stories are just so sad. I read them a few hours ago but had to go out and didn't have a chance to post a reply before I went out so I'm doing it now.

 

I can't say anything of worth or value to either of you apart from that my thoughts are with you. I cannot begin to imagine the immense pain, distress, grief, confusion, hurt, sadness, disbelief etc etc that must be going through your heads.

 

It's not the same at all but the only thing I have to compare it to was when my Dad died (not the same I know) but he died suddenly whilst I was away on holiday diving in Sharm-El-Sheikh. I still remember the phone call telling me to get home as soon as I could and how lost and desperate I felt. As it happened by the time I could get a flight home and organised, he'd died (about 24 hours before) and I just remember feeling lost - I was the only one of the family who'd not got to say "goodbye" although he never regained consciousness after the heart attack. As I say this ISN'T the same but it's the only thing that came close in my head purely from the point of view of the suddeness of it all and feeling totally lost for a long time afterwards. It took me MONTHS to feel normal again.

 

I feel for both of you but words sound so meaningless.

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I feel ok this morning but I don't know how much thats down to some kind of denial. I know this weekend is going to be bad, we would spend the weekends together. On Friday nights I'd go round with some beers and we'd put a film on but just end up talking through it anyway. I've never gone this long without talking to her, I went on holiday with my brother last year and I called her all the time. It was horrible being apart, I couldn't wait to get back to her and that was only a week! I know I've got all that to come.

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Hey Dagless. I wish I could offer you some sort of sage advice, but I can't. I am familiar with the loss of someone close to me, but not nearly someone that was so young. Its just not supposed to happen.

 

Keep posting here. There are several people here that know exactly waht you're going through.

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It is normal to have a lot of what-ifs, and "but just a week ago...."'s in the first while.

 

As I said, the things that help heal are time, and honestly dedicating yourself to healing and often talking to someone or finding a support group as otherwise it is often very hard to find peers whom have gone through anything similar - but they ARE out there.

 

As I said, I still think of my late boyfriend - particularly around his birthday, and mine as well when I think of how I grew older than someone whom was always older than me. But, honestly, now when I do think of him it is with happy memories of his life & his personality (he was so funny - we worked together in the military too and I can remember times on exercise where we were supposed to be on a silent patrol in the middle of the night where he would crack me, and the rest of the patrol up and we would be trying to stifle the giggles as we tried to remain in recce mode - good thing it was only a "fake" situation!)

 

 

When I remember him now, it's no longer around the tragic loss or the final days of his life, but the wonderful things he taught me, and others, in his living. I would NOT be the person I am today without knowing him, or that experience.

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Thanks RayKay, one of the hardest things is to not think of her in hospital in one way I have left that behind but even harder is remembering what happened, what I had to do and when the paramedics arrived.

I know that that i'll learn to leave that memory behind to, in time.

She was a fantastic person so clever and deep thinking. She'd had a tough time in life and found it hard to open up, but she did to me. In all that time we spent together I hope she knew how much i love her.

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Dagless,

I know what you mean...I'm reliving in my mind, her last day here with us. Over and over...Ihave videos of us together, almost broke them out today, but not ready yet, to see the person who was my life. Stick with us here, we'll all get through this.

Feel for you..

KG

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