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Thread: Post break-up: Mutual friends, how to handle it?

  1. #1
    locolady
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    Post break-up: Mutual friends, how to handle it?

    Post break-up: Mutual friends, how to handle it?

    Hi all, I am in desperate need of some advice so any help gratefully received.


    Two months ago my boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me for someone else. I am absolutely gutted and feel utterly inadequate. He has refused to speak to me and i am struggling to deal with things. We have a big group of friends together - some were his friends first and others we met together through those people. Over the last year I have formed close bonds with many of the others in the group. Since we split up our friends have been supportive, telling me they really dont want to see me disappear from the group.

    However, I dont know how it is going to work. I have spent time with several of these friends one on one and on two occasions with the group (minus my ex-boyfriend and few others closer to him) Then last week they all went out minus me and my ex-boyfriend brought along his new girlfriend. I dont think I can handle this - the image of him dancing. laughing with a group of friends I love, kissing someone else is too hard to stomach. Of my friends making friends with this new girl - i hate it. I guess I'm scared that I contribute nothing and that they will replace and forget me as easily as my ex-boyfriend has done.

    I drunkenly text the girl I've made closest friends with saying 'there is no place for me anymore' and she has taken offense that I would think she would drop me for the new girl. I've apologised and explained that I meant I cant see how we can be friends anymore because I dont want to be a crap friend, I know I'll ask questions about my ex, his new girl, and irrationally feel betrayed every time she sees them. This isnt fair and I dont want to treat anyone like this.

    The options as I see it are: 1) see them all one on one but miss out on the group activities
    2) sometimes I go to group things, sometimes my ex goes
    3) forget it, move on and try to meet new people

    With 1 and 2 I will always know that when i'm not there, my ex and his new girl are, and feel inadequate. I'll want to know if he mentioned me etc. Also, he might not want to sometimes miss out as per option 2 (he has refused to speak to me since we split up. Initally he said he wanted to be friends again one day but I went a bit crazy and now he has told me not to contact him. Also, is being friends with an ex ever possible or healthy when i've been hurt so much by the end of the relationship? Certainly not now when I want him back anyway)

    So..........I feel that I've lost my best friend in my ex-boyfriend and now i think i'm losing the whole group. I love spending time with them all - but I cant see how it can work. Any advice?

    Thanks,

  2. #2
    No Spaces Rob
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    I am going through the same thing you are!

    I am really sorry for you. I know it's hard. My ex is going out with all the friends to a movie night soon without me.

    I think it is worth remaining friends with any who you are really close to and yeah, see them one on one or in smaller groups. Your friendship with them all might change. You have to accept this. But hold on to your close ones.

    I don't have much more advice because i am in this situation too. It's really crap. I can offer my sympathy and understanding.

    It's really hard to lose a friend or even just to think you are losing them. Identify who your real friends are whether they are within that group or not and keep up the friendship as much as you can. I would avoid spending too much time with the whole group especially those who are closer with your ex. No need to turn down all invitations, just dial it back.

  3. #3
    TAB1234
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    You don't have to make any decisions now. You're hurting at mo so need time to heal. Once healed then you can decide. Would suggest initially meeting your (mutual) friends one on one or group things when he isnt there and then after you've "moved on" (indefinite time -don't pressurise yourself) then you can meet in a group when he is there.

  4. #4
    locolady
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    anyone got any other advice? Anyone been through this? I could really do with some insights/recommendations/thoughts as no idea how to deal with this and obviously cant ask my friends as thats the issue!

    Thanks

  5. #5
    No Spaces Rob
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    I would love to help if I had the answer, but I don't know how to handle it. Hopefully some other people have some ideas.

    I think that getting some other friends, who are not friends of my ex, will help. And of course, spending time with my existing friends who are not friends of my ex.

    I continue to feel bad about not being able to hang out with the ex etc and guilty for putting mutual friends through this - even though I've tried to hide my true feelings from them as much as I can because I don't want them in a difficult situation of having to 'choose', as much as I fear they have already chosen and it's her . I am lucky however that my ex does not (to my knowledge) have any new boyfriend, though she does hang around with other guys and I do feel betrayed when our mutual friends spend time with her friends including those guys.
    Last edited by No Spaces Rob; 01-11-2008 at 01:52 AM.

  6. #6
    locolady
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    sounds like we're feeling the same eh ROb. Its so crap isnt it!

    Now the new girl has even met his parents. He took her to their house by the seaside....it was my favourite thing to do. He knew how much I loved going to the coast and how much effort I made with his family. Seems so pointless now.

    I also am trying not to talk about it to our friends, but also think they'll choose him - he's not unhappy for a start so better company! Argh its so painful its untrue.

  7. #7
    MorbidMetalHead87
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    The best advice I can give is that maybe you should for awhile follow options numbers 1 and 2, until your heart is healed, then once your healed you can have your ex around while your hunging out with your friends. Because you need friends. And you should not lose them for his sake. I wish you the best off luck

  8. #8
    No Spaces Rob
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    Hey locolady,

    I have been keeping a journal just recently. I've been writing when I have felt bad and when I have good thoughts and why. So I'd put the date up the top of the page and write about what was getting me down or why I was happy. For instance I have written about this movie night that the ex and some of my other friends are going to soon and how that makes me feel bad because it is a painful reminder of how much things have changed since we were close. And I write when info about her appears on Facebook, for instance. And I know that sounds silly but I do use Facebook and I am not going to remove her from my friends because we are still in that 'group' of friends.

    Sometimes it feels like a situation that is just endless - unless I run away and dissociate myself from all my current friends. I feel horrible and I wish I could take some magic drug that would cheer me up. Other times it isn't so bad. I think the idea about writing down my feelings is trying to figure out what may be leading to them. So what triggers there were that day.

    I have seen a psychologist, which I believe was the sensible thing to do, because I have been feeling bad for a few months now.

  9. #9
    Sexylexi

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    locolady- im going through the same thing right now and i really dont know how to handle it-- how did you end up handling things? did you stay friends with the mutual friends?

  10. #10
    shamone
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    im going throught the same thing here...

    my ex lives with 2 friends of mine, one of which i introduced to her. at first this friend of mine (a male) was looking out for me, was there for me and would come visit etc.. but as time went by he just gave up and i think he has chosen her side now, even after i told him tht he doesnt have to choose. since she lives with him i think she made him choose because thats the kind of girl she is. but its real hard because all us friends go out to the same nights out/gigs. my ex goes to all of them and iv already heard she has been kissing other people. so iv been avoiding any night out she is at, even if it is a real good one i will make sure i go somewhere else.

    im choosing what path to take now, im choosing to go out and meet new people. some of my friends (who arent very close to my ex) are going to start going to new places with me on a night out because they know how hurt i was and that i cant be in the same room with my ex. what happened one weekend was we made friends with a group of girls, one which i kissed and now im seeing her every weekend since. she's a great girl, funny and have alot in common. it takes the ex off my mind but the one thing i dont want is another relationship right now. but iv started really enjoying my nites out now and thinking about the ex less often! so my advice is, if your friends love you they will contact YOU to see how you are doing or if you want to hang out. in the meantime, go to different places and meet new people with the closest friends to you are, im sure they will understand and make a few sacrifices if they are good friends..

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