Getting my girlfriend to lose weight

To start off, I already know that some of you will be mad based off the title alone. Bare with me. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 7 months. When I first met her she was a dancer (ballroom, NOT a stripper) she's short, about 5'1 with shoes on.. She looked great. Hell she still does. She weighed about 115/120 when I first met her. (6 months before we started going out)

When we started going out she weighed a bit more. Probobaly 135ish soaking wet.. At the time she was on a 'starve' diet where she would eat like once a day, and be in agony ALL the time. I would tell her everyday that its the worst way possible to lose weight but she is somewhat selfish.

Now shes about 160.. She no longer dances and really gets no exercise. Shes an attractive girl. She was and she always will be. Not just to me, and I really do love her. The part thats so hard though is she always complains about her weight. She goes through her 'moods' where she gets depressed about it, to the point of crying, and says she will do something about it then the next day she goes back like it never happened. I'm on a diet myself, I'm always telling her about how easy it is to lose weight/diet/exercise once you get motivated, but she doesnt. Funny part is I told her my ideal weight would be 165 (I'm 6'1) and she flipped, I guess the thought of weighing the same as your boyfriend who's a foot taller is a bit hard to cope with.

I know she has so much dislike for her body. None of her old clothes fit her, not even her proverbial 'fat jeans' I've heard so many times that "oh I'll start this and I'll get skinny". Hell I even tried to get her to stop drinking soda. She did - for about 6 days. (I havent had soda in 3 years) I think the problem is she was a 'chubby' kid, she lost the weight around the time I met her and now shes falling back into her old ways. This new year she made a little resolution with her friend. She's already given up on it.

I know for a fact that if I even come close to saying I want you to lose weight/ I think you need to lose weight she will hate me and go into insta-tears. She would take it very personally and to be blunt I have no desire to deal with that (When she gets mad, she gets MAD..) . I just need to find a way.. find something to say to her to get her motivated to start doing something about it

I feel like such a jerk, and I'm really not. I will love her no matter what, I'm still very attracted to her. I just want her to lose some weight. So she can do the things she wants and wear what she wants. And I think it would be great for our intimate times if she had the confidence that I know she wants.. so, for those of you who have read all my thoughts.. please tell me what you think I should do. thanks

The change has to come from within her. You aren't in control of this - only she is. Weightloss is about a change in lifestyle, however, and you can make that lifestyle easier for her to pursue. You say she gets no exercise. You could introduce her to fun new activities, like rock climbing or horseback riding. And anytime you eat a meal together, make a nice salad to go along with it.

I have had issues with my own weight, personally, and I wouldn't appreciate it if my bf told me to lose weight. I would take it seriously and would probably diet and lose it within 2 weeks, by going 'overboard' on it and exercise, but even I will admit that's not ideal. So instead, I would suggest that you ask her why she quit dancing, and suggesting that YOU want to get more into shape and exercise but need motivation and would like to know if she'd want ot be an exercise partner... if you want her to work on herself, you should be wiling to work on your own fitness as well. That's likely to go over a bit better... frame it more as an issue about health and fitness and NOT as about being less attracted to her now and finding her fat... the latter will prob. not go over well. =) hth.

Remember you said "I will love her no matter what". That means you have to stick in there no matter what. Just focus on living healthy and hopefully she feels motivated enough to loose some weight to do the things she wants. It's all up to her really.

you could do what my man does - call me a pot-bellied pig. however I doubt your gf would find it as humorous as I did.

Yeah I couldn't do that. she is a very emotional-driven person. If I said that it would be the end of my life altogether

Theres a few problems I forgot to mention. She lives about 15-20 minutes from me and with both our schedules we get to see each other about 2 times a week if we are lucky. So its not like I can just say, 'hey lets go running'

And yes I do love her no matter what. But lately I have definitely noticed the change in her body and the more weight she does gain the less attracted to her I will be (hey sorry, I am human..)

I'm just in a very frustrating place. I have to hear her complain about her weight every day, tell her all about exercise and diets and see her do nothing about it. I honestly feel she uses her attitude to completely avoid the effort. What I mean is, if I told her to lose weight, instead of actually doing it, she would just go into depressed mode and make me feel like * * * * for 2 days until I said sorry and she would get to totally avoid the subject altogether

Is she depressed about something? Does she have any health issues which have caused her to gain the weight? Maybe getting at the root cause of why she put on all that weight and seeing if there is some way to fix those issues might go a long way in helping her start losing what she had put on. There is some deeper issue at work here if she put on that much weight in 7 months.

yes, this is a mine field that many a boyfriend has failed to negotiate and survive...

kidding aside, you sound like you do genuinely care for her, but she is already steeped in self hatred right now, so this is obviously a very touchy subject.

most people who gain a lot of weight quickly are 'stuffing' their feelings, i.e., her eating is not about food, it is about a whole range of other negative emotions she is having about things going on in her life, and she has learned to cope with those emotions in a negative way, by eating to distract herself rather than feeling her emotions and solving the problems that are causing her negative emotions.

and the more panicked she gets, the more she might eat.

are there things going on in her life that may be leading to this?

so the only way to really approach this is to express concern for her, and try to figure out what negative feelings she is 'stuffing'.

you could do her a great favor by focusing on dealing with the things that are causing her to overeat (i.e., talking to her about her negative emotions), and suggest she get counseling or take other actions to solve whatever is making her overeat. overeating to stuff feelings is a hard habit to break, but it can be done, but she must deal with the feelings directly, break the habit of overeating, and find other ways to handle negative emotions.

you could help her by talking to her about this (her emotions driving the eating), and pointing out that overeating is just making her more and more unhappy and adding to her self hatred rather than reducing it. she needs to break this cycle.

but don't point out how 'easy' it is to lose weight, or she will feel like a worse failure (and eat more!). losing weight is NOT easy if eating has become a way to deal with negative emotions, and she needs to get into a group or counseling if the eating just keeps spinning out of control.

Well a good idea is if you live with her to throw out all unhealthy foods and anything with sugar in it and to buy lots of natural raw foods from a health food shop. Also go on dates with her but do things like go hiking, horse riding, cycling (cycling is so cute if ur a couple) and swimming but if she's overweight she may feel a tad self conscious in a swimsuit. Also you could say to her that you really care about her and want her to be happy and healthy and that you still find her beautiful no matter what but you know she's unhappy and you want her to feel comfortable in her own skin. I dont think you can tiptoe around this but you have to be very tactful.

She has a thyroid disorder. I'm not 100% sure how it works but I know its not completely the problem. Its an excuse more than anything. Basically how it works is, when I met her, she did ballroom dancing, was a vegetarian, and hardly ate. Now she gets no exercise and eats whatever she wants. I'm sure the thyroid disorder has something to do with it, however, I also know she can lose the weight if she wants. If she tried to lose the weight she could, as I've seen her fluxuate the weight before. She just doesnt have the self control or the motivation to just stick to anything for more than a month or 2 (other than me that is)

There is something else going on here. Starve diet, and gaining all this weight.

It's not about the weight for her, so don't talk about the weight.

Try to acknowledge what is really going on. She is hurting herself, you get to watch, it seems like she might need some help.

I agree with It's All Grand. Actually, this reminds me of a problem my ex-best friend was having last year... she's actually a very smart and talented individual. But became anorexic... she was a tad overweight to begin with and then went on this crazy yo-yo diet that practically amounted to eating one salad a day, and maybe water. just ... not sustainable. she'd take vitamins and stuff too, but the bare minimum. then she lost a lot of weight, but got sick, etc. Then she would overeat/splurge entirely by having cake and unhealthy stuff, and then go back to starving... she is now a tad overweight (perhaps... some may say she's at a healthy weight I actually haven't personally seen herr for almost a year so i can't say anymore) but I imagine it's a lot more healthy than the alternative. How do you know she's not secretly trying to lose wieght either but not doing it in a healthy manner? IF you truly care about your gf you shouldn't be so concerned about the number on the scale but about the reasons behind it... is it being healthy with herself, etc.

Honestly, she does not have a reason to gain weight. She is NOT depressed, she is NOT overeating. She does eat, about 2 times a day. But going from such an active lifestyle, and diet, to the exact opposite, has left its mark on her body, thats the only thing thats going on here.

She changed her lifestyle a bit and put on a few pounds. As I said on the first page she has a thyroid problem which I'm sure attributes to the weight gain, however she can lose the weight if and when she chooses to, the problem here is MOTIVATION. she simply wont try. I've talked to her about it before and she just gets sad and says she will be fat forever

She's very mad at herself because, she was skinny, and she says things like "I was skinny, I was happy with my body, why did I let myself get fat"

I think she has this mindset where the human body is just this magic thing and eventually she will just lose the weight somehow naturally. Her mother is overweight along with her aunts. I feel like if it goes too far, she will give up completely.

She has a thyroid disorder. I'm not 100% sure how it works but I know its not completely the problem. Its an excuse more than anything. Basically how it works is, when I met her, she did ballroom dancing, was a vegetarian, and hardly ate. Now she gets no exercise and eats whatever she wants. I'm sure the thyroid disorder has something to do with it, however, I also know she can lose the weight if she wants. If she tried to lose the weight she could, as I've seen her fluxuate the weight before. She just doesnt have the self control or the motivation to just stick to anything for more than a month or 2 (other than me that is)

oh I have a thyroid disorder too! I totally sympathise. It made me overweight and it was horrible because I was so motivated to lose weight and would eat nothing and that was the only way I could lose weight. I'm sorry but its not an excuse, having hypothyroidism myself I understand how she feels totally. Is she on medication because I was recently diagnosed with it and now i take levothyroxin pills and I lost a lot of weight. But I still have to exercise and eat healthily but I can now lose weight quite easily. I was able to lose weight when I had hypothyroidism but only a few pounds. I was on the verge of anorexia at one point this time last year I ate one meal a day and I lost lots of weight but then when I ate normally I gained huge amounts. I think you are being unfair on her now, its a difficult and frustrating condition it also affects you mentally and makes you very depressed. You need to be a lot more sympathetic and make sure she gets some medication.

I would say that she does have some kind of depression...it doesn't have to be full blown clinical depression, but there is clearly something up. If the rest of her family is overweight she clearly grew up with weight issues. If she is hypothyroid, that can lead to weight gain..once you start gaining weight you can get discouraged and then it just spirals out of control. This is not a simple matter...there are clearly emotional issues going on.

She has certainly put on a lot of weight, and I would be interested to understand what has prompted that increase. I am 5 ft 2 and have gone through the same weight cycle, but for me the jump to 160 lbs comes from just having a baby. The self-hatred thing is pretty major though - I just cannot stand the sight of myself in the mirror, and shop window reflections make me cringe. My poor husband hears about how fat I am way too often. I currently have an excuse for not losing weight (shouldn't diet while breastfeeding and my muscles haven't healed yet) but I can still relate to your girlfriend. Being 120 lbs seems many worlds away and my old clothes are a million miles from being wearable...

I agree with the others and think you are kind of between a rock and a hard place here. I actually think it would be completely reasonable if your desire for her was lessened - unfortunately relationships are complex and need more than love in the heart to survive. Sex requires attraction and she's a much bigger girl than the one you started going out with. However you must never let her know that under any circumstance.

The only suggestions I can make are:

(a) do not be a bad influence ever - do not suggest having McDonalds etc for dinner and do what you can to live healthily yourself

(b) tell her she's beautiful and it hurts you to keep hearing her self-hate re the weight. If she's not prepared to help how she feels about herself by doing something about it, you don't want to hear it

© don't talk about weight under any other circumstance - not yours, not anyone's weight. It is not easy for some people, and its certainly not easy for women compared to men - our bodies defend our weight more

(d) pay attention to her potential reasons for eating and for not exercising - it they are emotional, try and do what you are comfortable with in helping her (subtly)

I guess I also wonder what her natural body type is. You say she was a chubby kid - well how old is she now, and how long was she slim? Maybe she was never going to keep to the 120lb mark - maybe it was a skinny aberration for her. She might also have stuffed up her metabolism by the starvation diet. She might also have an underactive thyroid. I would actually try and find a way for suggesting she visit a nutritionist (under © above) or someone else qualified to help her with her own body - she may be finding losing weight difficult for a very plausible (and fixable) reason beyond her own self control.

EDIT:sorry I just saw the posts re thyroid

I've talked to her about it. She refuses to take the pills because they are all 'hormones' and she doesnt want to put that in her body. Yet she drinks those white chocolate uber fat coffee's every day.

I know I'm being harsh but I've seen her TRY to lose weight and succeed, even with the thyroid disorder, her problem is she cant commit to a diet and she hates exercising. So when she trys and drops 5 pounds after a month she'll cheat on her diet and end it altogether eventually. Thanks for the information though, I'll definitely talk to her about that..

My idea will inflame some readers, but here it is:

Love her or leave her.

Nagging, couching it in caring terms, asking her to go walking at night, buying healthy food or the usual ways suggested by well-meaning people do nothing if she isn't motivated to lose weight on her own.

If you love her, be ready to love her as she is, bulges and all.

She can deal with her weight, but you can't.

On a real practical side, she might be due for a visit to her doc. Is she on medication?

What if this could be helped with some treatment. Wouldn't that be wonderful.

Perhaps you could go with her to appointments, and maybe learn a bit more about what is going on as far as her condition.

I know this doesn't address all your feelings about this. I think your feelings are normal. I really do. What a tough spot to be in.

Yet this is where good relationships can become really great, or start to go down.

good luck.

I don't really have an answer for you, and I don't think there is an easy solution either.

I was overweight for a few years, up until about a year ago, and the only thing that actually triggered me to change my lifestyle and lose weight was the devastation of breaking up with my fiance (7 years together).

People in relationships get comfortable. If you hadn't been motivated to keep fit before the relationship, you're definitely not going to be motivated in the relationship - one of the main motivating factors for many people is to stay attractive, if they are single. If you are not single, that's one big motivating factor gone.

For me, it was more just having something to do to get through the days after the breakup. So I spent my spare time in the gym, 6-7 days a week. Probably 15 hours a week if not more. Now it's almost a year later, I'm extremely fit and very happy with that part of my life. I feel right now like I will never let myself get out of shape again, because I've been there and it seems like a nightmare to me now. Relationship-wise, I haven't had anything happen in over a year, but I'm taking that slow, I've had a lot of healing to do, and still more to go, I feel.

But back on topic, my main point is that I don't believe there is anything you can do or say to be a catalyst here. Be supportive, loving, etc., but the change, if it does happen, will have to come from her, from within. She will likely have to have some mind-altering and, sad to say it, but depressing and unpleasant, event happen to her that will motivate her to change her lifestyle for the better.

I wish you all the best.

Oh and I messed up on the first post

I MET HER ABOUT 6 MONTHS BEFORE WE STARTED GOING OUT

So she went from 120 to 160 in about a year and a few months. Not 7 months

But she went from 140 to 160 in the last 2 months...

My idea will inflame some readers, but here it is:

Love her or leave her.

Nagging, couching it in caring terms, asking her to go walking at night, buying healthy food or the usual ways suggested by well-meaning people do nothing if she isn't motivated to lose weight on her own.

 

If you love her, be ready to love her as she is, bulges and all.

She can deal with her weight, but you can't.

Dako is right. You really cannot control this. The only thing I can suggest is that if it gets too much for you and you're at the leaving her stage, give her a clear ultimatum with some real support from you as the last resort.

That's what it always comes down to, doesn't it.

Hmm. That's a good one to remember.

Id rather not disclose our age but she does still live with her parents, as do I and we are both under 21. Her parents, who are pretty strict as far as where she can go and definitely about what she can take. So the thyroid pills are probobaly out of the question, along with going to the gym

I thank you for all the advice but I'm starting to feel really backed into a corner. Either love her for who she is no matter how much she weighs, wait for her to get the motivation to lose it, or leave her. I dont think thats the way it should be

It was always a sore subject for me...I couldn't figure out a way to ask politely that didn't sound bad...like the household $, sex and weight all fall into that "black hole, yer never gettin' any again" mode. I wish you luck!