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I haven't posted anything about my own situation in a while, so I thought it was time. Yesterday was a huge day of reflection, and let's just say that it wasn't my best day of the last two months. Between Christmas and the New Year, I think we all had quite a bit on our minds. I even woke up this morning a little gloomy and not very excited about getting into work. Some of us probably had contact with our exes, or were reminded about them thanks to the holidays. I realized that it's exactly 2 months today since I've had ANY contact with my ex, and I don't see that changing. What does that mean?

 

Does it mean that 2 months of NC has been easy? No. Does it mean that I still don't wonder what she's doing? No. It does mean that I don't think about actually calling her or e-mailing her, which is a great step. I know that nothing good could come out of it, so I don't even consider it an option. It also means that 2 months have gone by and I'm still alive. Are things normal? No, but in the last two months I've run a marathon... spent a lot of time with family... had a birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year... tried to be social when I felt up to it... even met a couple of girls from online dating sites -- that didn't go so well.

 

I decided to write this for me, mostly. I wanted to see how far I've come in 2 months and how far I still have to go. I also wanted to share with those of you who are newer to the breakup that things do get better. You have to make an effort, and some days are just MUCH harder than others, but after only 2 months... I'm feeling quite a bit better about my situation and my life. I'm not going anywhere because I still have some healing to do, but we can talk about that at 3 months!

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Hi BK,

 

You're doing great! I'm also at 2 months, although I have far from managed the NC side of things, the longest I went was 2 weeks.

 

Christmas has been hellishly hard, and today I finally gave in to my emotions and saw my doctor to ask for help - he gave me some magic happy pills - mainly to help calm me down enough to help me get some much needed sleep.

 

Anyway, back to you - your healing may not be quite over yet, but you sure sound like you're getting there, and you're trying to get out there as much as possible and start enjoying life again. So for that, I say 'Well done'.

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This is a great post for me to read - I am new to my break-up, and three days in, man it's tough. However, I have read advice about doing 60 days of No Contact, keeping a journal, and that you will start to feel proud of yourself after 20 days, and after 60 days no longer will feel the urge to contact your ex. I'm definitely trying that.

 

I've read some posts here about people who are locked in grief about a break-up from years ago and unable to move on. I DON'T want that to be me. I'm thinking a lot about all kinds of things, but one thing I am convinced about is that I am not going to let my pain take over. That's why your post hit a note with me, and was very encouraging. I'm not thinking that I can ignore the pain, but I am thinking that I have a choice about how I behave, and going under is not going to be how I do it.

 

I had 48 hours of being a complete and utter mess, and I'm not going to let myself carry on doing that. Today I got dressed up as nicely as I could, went out and faked being happy for 5 hours. I feel quite proud of that, I had a nice lunch with a friend, and we went on a tour of the city and then to an art gallery. I felt miserable inside, and now I am back at home and feeling the pain again, but it's so much better than sitting here all day and being miserable.

 

I was reading a book on what it means to be happy. One of the key points was that people who are happy don't have happier life events, they have their fair share of unhappiness, but it's how they interpret these events that make the difference. So I have been intellectually thinking about the positives from my own situation (note, I don't *feel* them yet, but I can at least say what they think they are):

 

  • I have the opportunity to move on from an unhappy relationship - that's a great thing, because if we tried again, I would continue to be unhappy. This misery is going to be worth it in the end.
     
  • I value our relationship - yes, I feel betrayed and unhappy right now, but I DID have some wonderful memories which I refuse to deny
     
  • I am learning something about myself and my ability to get through this experience - that's got to be good
     
  • I have the chance to focus on me for a while, and remember all the good things that I have in my life: I have people who love and care for me, a great job, I live in a lovely city, I am financially independent - see, I have a lot to be grateful for!

 

I'm not being pollyanna here, I do feel miserable and wretched, and the pain is horrible. BUT I think I have a choice about how I deal with it, I can experience it and try different ways of coping, or I can just let it overwhelm me and lose myself. I am damned if I am doing that!

 

Anyway, just wanted to say your post was good for me to read -it was realistic and hopeful.

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Honey Pumpkin, that is great and horrible all at the same time. It's horrible that you are having to go through the same pain that many of us are feeling now or in the recent past. It's great that you are doing something about it and that you realize the pain is temporary. You also realize that it takes work (and maybe some eNA friends) to get through all this. If you ever feel you need to talk, please let me know... so many people have been here for me during all this.

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Honey Pumpkin, that is great and horrible all at the same time. It's horrible that you are having to go through the same pain that many of us are feeling now or in the recent past. It's great that you are doing something about it and that you realize the pain is temporary. You also realize that it takes work (and maybe some eNA friends) to get through all this. If you ever feel you need to talk, please let me know... so many people have been here for me during all this.

 

Yeah, I mean I'm writing all the right stuff, but I don't actually feel it yet. However, I agree with you, I do know that I have a choice about this. It's also helping me to write here, because for the last two hours I have been OVERWHELMED by the desire to contact him, but I know there isn't any point intellectually. Emotionally it's one of the most powerful urges I have ever had, so it's actually quite hard.

 

One thing I'm trying to do with every fibre of my being is to live in this moment, and not think too much further ahead than the next hour or so. I started to get panicky about the weekend coming up - how will I feel, will I be desperate to see him, contact him, how am I going to do that etc. But actually, I only need to think about right here, right now. Can I get through the next hour without emailing him? I probably can. Can I find things to do i the next hour? I DEFINITELY can. So that's going to be one of my strategies, to simply refuse to think about the coming months, because that's too scary and makes me feel just awful. But the next hour or two, yes, I can definitely cope with that.

 

I'm finding enotalone a bit of a life saver, I have to say - I can vent and talk honestly, and get exceptionally good advice. I like that. I don't actually want to sit down with friends and relive every minute we spent together and analyse what a pig he was etc. I don't want to tear him apart or think about getting him back. I want sensible, calm advice about focusing on ME and not me and him, and I'm getting that in spades here.

 

See, my panicky feelings have already subsided. Phew!

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You are doing everything right, it seems. The hardest part is not getting frustrated when it doesn't work immediately. I can remember the first week, or two, when I felt exactly like you do now. I was at work, worrying about how I would get through the next hour... how I would finish a project I could concentrate on... what I would do when I got home and had nothing on TV to watch... what I would do on the weekend when I didn't have the courage to make phone calls and plan things. I am here to tell you that it gets better. It may go slower than we'd like, but it does get better. Soon, you'll go a whole day without the anxiety and you'll actually make a plan on the weekend. I went bowling about 3 weeks in with some friends and panicked about it the whole time. I came home and was sad still afterward, but I had fun. You really just have to aim for those baby steps.

 

And yes, I think about her and the relationship MUCH less now. I have other issues that go through my brain, but I'm working on those.

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BK,

 

I'm glad to hear that you're doing well. As other people have said, you helped me to keep going and I really appreciate that. I'll be at 4 months of NC next week and I'm really seeing/feeling a difference. Christmas and New Years weren't upsetting without her. I still miss her, still dream of her, but it's time to move on.

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Hey man, I gotta congratulate you. Its a hard thing to do, but it seems you know its the right way to go, and you are exercising discipline to make it all happen.

 

I wish the road was easier for all of us, but its nice to be traveling in company. I hope you can continue on healing.

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