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So, I wanted to start a thread and see where people are at in terms of dating after the breakup. It's technically been about 6 1/2 weeks since my breakup. It's been a little over 5 of NC (not "true" NC because I've looked at her MySpace regularly). I put up an online dating profile a couple of weeks ago, mostly to see what was out there, give me something to focus on, and possibly feel good from a couple of girls winking at me. It turns out I've communicated with about 4 girls via e-mail and actually talked to 2 of them on the phone last night. All seems good, right? No. I'm not saying that having conversations with them wasn't good. It was nice to get to know someone and I was honest about my recent relationship status. That being said, I'm feeling a wave of emotions, including fear and guilt. I am scared because I am not ready to have a relationship. I'm scared that they won't understand and want to start out as friends. I feel guilty because I'm on a dating site and there are expectations from others as to my availability. I'm overwhelmed that so many people are talking to me and wanting to get to know me so quickly. It's a mixed bag of emotions -- some good and some bad.

 

Where is everyone else? Not ready? In my position? Already dating and ready for it, but just not finding any good ones? How long has it been?

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Married for 15 years, together 18 total. I started dating before I was even out of the house. Not one of the best ideas I ever had. The first relatonship was 4 months. I put her through the emotional meat grinder, I was just not ready. She finally broke it off and said "you're a great guy, but you breaking up with me 4x is more than I can handle". Call me in 6 months. The next two went much smoother, I'm still in the second one, 5 months now.

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It will be six months on the 26th since my breakup. I just posted my thread about what I've been doing in terms of learning from the people I've been getting to know, but I know what I'm ready for and not ready for yet. I'm going out and having fun but like you I'm totally not ready for a relationship.

 

It is hard for me because with one of the guys, the only one I actually had anything physical with, it was really hard. It's hard whether you are on a site or meeting people because this guy was like "Okay I respect that you have those boundaries but do not expect a lot of people to be as understanding as me", though he was pushy but has since not said anything about it.

 

It's so good just getting to know people though isn't it? To be out there and just talking with people. For me, I was told that if they care enough to stay even after you tell them what you can and cannot handle then they are worth it. Everyone has their own expectations going into even a "dating" situation so just know that people will be up and down but if they cannot understand "This is me, this is what I need" then there is someone better.

 

I am just willing to go out and get to know people. I'm definitely not ready to jump into something that may or may not be serious, but I do not want to limit myself. If there is someone I'm really into I might go for it but I would still have to go really slow and just get to know them. I need to look out for me and right now that's the best thing to do and not overwhelm myself. I know I'm still healing and I'm not 100% yet, though I try to be the best that I can each day and just do what I need to do.

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something to think about..... if you are not quite ready to be fully on the dating market, but do want to get to know women, you can try a more social networking site like link removed and find interesting events in your area. ie, not quite the pressure of "so, where is this relationship headed?' but also allows for the possibility of a romance.

 

good luck out there!

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Am about 6 months post break up. Still not feeling ready. I went out with one guy who was nice. He followed up with an email saying we had so much in common, but haven't heard back from him. I've come to the conclusion that it's just not something I want to focus on right now. I'd rather focus on making my life a good one and one that I'm confident in and proud of. Once that happens, I believe I will attract the right person. In my younger years, dating was about quantity ... now it's ALL about quality ... and I know I need to feel like a QUALITY person before I will attract one that will enhance my life..not just keep me preoccupied from myself.

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something to think about..... if you are not quite ready to be fully on the dating market, but do want to get to know women, you can try a more social networking site like link removed and find interesting events in your area. ie, not quite the pressure of "so, where is this relationship headed?' but also allows for the possibility of a romance.

 

good luck out there!

 

Great idea, annie24. I think that less pressure would be good for me right now. I'll check it out...

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It's been 2 1/2 weeks since my breakup to someone I was seeing for several years, and a mere 2 days since I sent her an interesting relationship-related column and my thoughts along with it (yeah, I know, wasn't a good idea, but in a way it was nice to get a few thoughts off my chest). So, I'm only 2 days into strict NC. I'm pretty set now to go on a long NC voyage.

 

My mind is nowhere near dating again yet. I think my main focus now is (a) getting my emotional head straight and (b) just getting through the holidays and the darkest days of winter. It's difficult to put a timetable on things, of course, but I'm hoping to get back out there by the end of winter. But who knows.

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Hey! Ive joined meetup groups before! They are great, but at first it can be a little awkward. At first everyone knows each other well so you are a bit of an outsider, but after one or two times that comepletely goes away. In my experience, everyone was super accomidating when I was new and always tried to include me. In general, these were also people who wanted to meet more people, so everyone was cool about it. I can just remember the first few times with each group I was nervous, but then I felt like a regular so quickly that it was so easy to go each time. And soon you help new people feel welcome.

 

In regards to the dating thing. You'll be alright. What you are feeling is totally normal. Ive said it one hundred times that you are doing everything right. I had a lunch date with this girl I met early last semester (about 1.5 months out of the relationship) and I cried on the way home. The beginning stages arent easy.

 

My best advice is if you feel overwhelmed, just take a step back. It seems this is the direction you are heading anyway, so its all good.

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Yeah, I say if you're not emotionally ready to be in a relationship, don't be in one. Not only is it not fair to your partner, but the issues that you refused to deal with because you were lonely, and thereforeeee was in a rush to be in a relationship, will creep in slowly in your new relationship.

 

I'm one month into the break-up, broke NC 2 days ago, bleh, now I'm on strict NC...A week after the break-up, I met a guy at a bar, we made out, had a date a week later, went to the Dane Cook show, made out again, it was fun. He had to go on a tour, so he won't be back til January, but he's called once. I'm just letting it take its course. Maybe he's still curious, but if it ever gets to point where things are starting to get serious, then I'll tell him that I'm not ready. Don't want to jump the gun too early. For now, I'm enjoying his company, but I don't really want to get into anything serious...

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I'm mostly just talking with girls and trying to figure things out like whether or not I even have time for a relationship in the near future. I'm also trying to get in to the frame of mind where I'll feel comfortable approaching girls, I know how to do it and I've done it in the past, but I just need to regain some confidence in my suitability as a potential partner to a woman before I do. I think I won't seriously give an attempt to hack the dating scene until a bit after Christmas at the earliest.

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I actually put my profile up originally 2 days after the break-up just to prove that I could move on and attract other guys. That lasted about a month. I only went on one date and then took my profile down for another 3 months. When I put it back up in early November, it still felt weird and the first couple of first dates were difficult to get through (I cried after one of them - mainly because I couldn't stand the guy I'd just gone out with, lol). But it has gotten easier and it's made the healing easier overall. You might be jumping the gun a bit, but I think it's fine (and good!) to say you want to start out as friends. I have a couple prospects but even I'm not sure if I'm ready for something real. I feel very guarded, as I'm sure you do, too.

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I think if you are pretty much healed up, dating and finding someone you like is the "icing" on the cake to help you FINALLY get over the ex. People have said on here that to TRULY and FINALLY get over an ex is when you find a new SO (and this is after you have spent time alone, healing yourself, etc).

 

Well put. I agree.

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Hey BK, a lot of us have done the same thing. I met a guy a month after a breakup. He was great - the date was great, but I like everyone says on here...I cried all the way home, as he wasnt my ex and it made me incredibly sad. As I really liked the guy - we stayed in touch, but didnt date until months later. He recently broke my heart.

 

I think you need a decent break by yourself before you are ready - and you havent been single for all that long. It does help your self esteem..adn you are being honest with these women, but just be careful.

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Im 5 months out of a 20 year marriage and have been on a few "friendly" dates with girls I've met playing music. Although I don't discuss my situation in any sort of detail, I do say that I'm not ready for any sort of steady relationship, just casual dates for companionship and they are usually very understanding. I'm 40, and it seems most of the 35-45 year old set have been thru marriage and divorce so they understand.

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Thanks for all the input, ENA. I actually am meeting a girl for a drink after work today... but I have a feeling it will be a similar experience to some of your "drove home crying" stories. If I enjoy the time with her, great. If it's too much, I'll back off a little and just have some e-mail/phone relationships with girls in the meantime. I could at least meet a new friend.

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Together seven years, lived together for three. Broke up almost four months ago.

 

I met a guy a month after the break up. We really clicked and had a lot of shared interests, plus great chemistry, and we dated for about two months. As I got to know him better, I realized that he wasn't what I was looking for on a deeper level. Not wanting to lead him on, I ended things about two weeks ago. A shame that his inside didn't match his outside, because I really liked him A LOT when I first met him.

 

I never compared him to my ex and I never wanted our relationship to be like my previous relationship. Never had the "drove home crying" thing, either. Didn't have the "it's too much too fast" issue.

 

That's how I knew it was "ok" for me. Whether it's "ok" for you will be totally, completely, absolutely unique to you. Listen to your gut feeling. Good luck... and don't forget to have fun!

 

YS

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Good luck, BK. Just take it easy and dont expect too much out of the date.

 

I'm coming up on 2 years since my ex and I (for all intents and purposes) called it quits for good. I spent a year not wanting to date, but forcing myself too. I potentially let a great girl get away in the process.

 

In the past year I dated two women that lasted a total of 3 months. Didnt really develop anything with either. They paled in comparison to my ex.

 

Recently I have been seeing someone casually who is moving away come January. Dating is easy now and I know what I want. It took a long time to be confident and feel like I can give and receive real love again. Most importantly I know now that "I'm worth it!"

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BK -

 

I have followed some of your posts and I know how much you are hurt and disappointed but you have such an upbeat quality in your posts. And, you truly kept your dignity intact by going NC so early on.

 

Sure you checked her myspace page - heck we all louse up from time to time but I must say I think you have your ducks in a row.

 

You sound like an amazing person to know!

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BK -

 

I have followed some of your posts and I know how much you are hurt and disappointed but you have such an upbeat quality in your posts. And, you truly kept your dignity intact by going NC so early on.

 

Sure you checked her myspace page - heck we all louse up from time to time but I must say I think you have your ducks in a row.

 

You sound like an amazing person to know!

 

Wow, thanks. I appreciate you saying those nice things. I am an amazing person to know! The fact that you noticed those things about me makes you very intuitive and also a great person to know. Thanks for writing.

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Wow, thanks. I appreciate you saying those nice things. I am an amazing person to know! The fact that you noticed those things about me makes you very intuitive and also a great person to know. Thanks for writing.

 

I think someone deserves a "reputation vote"!

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