Birthday Cards, Christmas Cards, etc.

So, I had a long talk with my therapist about sending cards during this time of the year. We came up with a list of possiblities:

1) He/she sends an e-mail or calls saying thank you.

2) You never hear from her/him again.

3) The card gets sent back to you "Return to Sender".

4) You get a note or call saying to never contact her/him again in the future.

5) He/she calls saying that it was very sweet and he/she has been thinking about you too.

6) He/she says that it's not appropriate to send cards now that he/she has a new significant other.

It made me think very hard. If you are OK with any of those options, maybe you'd be OK just sending a thoughtful note. If ANY of those options bother you in the slightest, you aren't ready to be in contact -- bottom line. What would you think about each one?

1) Thank you? Does that mean he/she is thinking of me? Wants to talk to me? Is just being nice?

2) Did he/she get the card? Will I ever got a response?

3) Why did he/she send it back?

4) Ouch -- never contact again -- I was just trying to be nice.

5) Thinking about me? Does that mean we have a chance? Probably not.

6) Ouch -- a new person is in their life and they don't even want a card from you.

Next time you're thinking about sending a note/card/e-mail... think about what could happen and if you're better off just staying NC. I am better staying NC for now. I know that!

If you are the dumpee, you shouldn't send a card unless you are the dumpee because you treated your partner badly...but in that case, you shouldn't send a card unless you are ready to own up to your mistakes. If you are the dumper, you shouldn't send a card unless you are interested in reconciling...a card just like that ends up making the dumpee confused. If you have custody of the children, you should buy a card so that your children can give it to their father (children's name on the card).

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain.

How does this famous quote apply? If we were dumped, our exes are expecting from us contrived overtures (such as cards, calls, emails and letters) to try to win back their affection. By sending a card, we are helping to remove whatever doubts are exes might be having as to whether we are moving on without them.

On the other hand, letting these special occasions go by in silence at least allows them to consider that perhaps we aren't as beholden to them as they might otherwise think.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain.

 

How does this famous quote apply? If we were dumped, our exes are expecting from us contrived overtures (such as cards, calls, emails and letters) to try to win back their affection. By sending a card, we are helping to remove whatever doubts are exes might be having as to whether we are moving on without them.

 

On the other hand, letting these special occasions go by in silence at least allows them to consider that perhaps we aren't as beholden to them as they might otherwise think.

I know you are right, but it doesn't make it any easier to know that she'll be at her parents' house, in a wheelchair (surgery), trying to enjoy her time. I guess I just have to realize that she may be much happier now without me. Maybe that's a good thing to consider.

I think it depends on what your intentions are for sending the card - are you sending the card just because you really genuinely want to wish them well or is it with thoughts at the back of your head going "oh, they'll see this and come running back to me" or "They'll realise they let a good thing go" or just to try and reconnect to win them back. The list you've put at the bottom tells me whatever response (or lack of) you'd get would still mean something to you. I think in these cases you need to be very careful of your intentions and if you go ahead with it, be prepared for any and all of the outcomes, especially the ones where you end up feeling hurt.

Oh, I said nothing about easy!

The very thought of letting Christmas slide by without a word is strictly anathemtic to me...but I have the "advantage" of having already tried the birthday thing to no great success. I learned my lesson.

And I have to disagree on the issue of intentions. Regardless of how honorable or innocent your intentions may be, it is a setback. The goal should be to move on, and acknowledging them on these occasions is decidedly NOT moving past them and their influence in our lives.

And I have to disagree on the issue of intentions. Regardless of how honorable or innocent your intentions may be, it is a setback. The goal should be to move on, and acknowledging them on these occasions is decidedly NOT moving past them and their influence in our lives.

I second that

Hey BK, this is a great thread. Your advice on my post was good, but those questions you listed...I'm definitely not ready to hear any of the possible replies, that's for sure.

I'm still not sending anything. If she reaches out to me, that's a different story, but I'm definitely not going to go out of my way.

I really like that Mark Twain quote. I think I'm better off keeping my mouth shut half the time! ha ha ha

No card from me. I am in NC mode hardcore lol

I don't think sending a card while you're still in NC and healing is a good idea. Regardless of what you tell yourself, you will half-hope for a some kind of response and that means you're making yourself vulnerable again. If they send you a card, then I think its appropriate to send a thank you card in return. Just a short thank you will do.

Anything more than that and I think you're putting yourself out there.

I agree with orangesoda, this opens up the possibility to get hurt. Christmas, b-days and other occasions that Hallmark decided to celebrate with cards are NOT excuses to break NC. In fact you are not sending a card, you are testing the waters and the card is a way to do that.

Arwen

I did it...I felt like I had to and I don't care what anyone says about it at this point.

To me, I owed them (her family) a simple "thank you" for the nice things they've done for me while I was with her.

I wasn't testing the waters, I expect no response (and will ignore it if I get one--trust me on this, I've never felt so strong), nor am I trying to get her back. It's over now and I know it. I wanted to make peace with everyone, so I did and now I'm gone.

I'm gone, but the least I could have done was remember them at christmas time, then exit stage left for good.

I don't fault you, fivespot, because I've been going through the same kind of conflict.

No way am I sending my ex a Christmas card. But I've often gone back and forth with myself about whether to send her parents one (she doesn't live with her parents). I've decided not to do it, but her family was very cool to me over the years.

well im not sending a card, im actually dropping 1 off along with her stuff...

i just refused earlier to talk to her over the phone, but i feel its the holiday, despite what happened and what will POSSIBLY happen, i want to be a gentleman about it, i feel it makes me a better person.

we can all try to be cautious about outcomes in the future, but i've learned that when you plan and map out possible "scenarios", you tend not to know what to do when the unexpected strikes. besides, how is that living "life"?

i personally dont think a card is a setback, because you're not really communicating, you're just genuinly wishing them a happy holiday and wish them well/safe. Obviously, send it without expectations. just take it like you'll never hear from them ever again.

anyways i like to hear opinions on this

I've been thinking about this, and I dunno what to do.

I aready brought his Xmas presents before the split, and I know he has me. I wouldn't be surprised if he sent them to me, or asked if I wanted them. I dunno what I'd say. I guess if he sends me mine, I will send him his. But I'm not going to send him anythng first..no way. It is also his birthday in the end of January. I doubt I will get him anything unless we are on talkign terms...infact no, I WON'T get him anything unless we're on talking terms and I feel he deserves it. It is very hard though...it's a horrible time of the year to split up!

My ex didn't deserve anything from me. She never even bothered to send me a birthday card this year--no call, text, or anything from her on my b-day and we were on speaking terms then!

Well, like I said, I sent out the x-mas card and I haven't heard anything back, as I don't expect to. But you know what, I feel better that I did send it. Like someone else said, I was a gentleman about it, and now I'm gone for good.

No matter how badly it ended, it still feels good to let them know, well basically thanks for the good times you shared with them.

Why to send anything to a person that showed you on most brutal way that you're not good enough for them? F... them.

My ex didn't deserve anything from me. She never even bothered to send me a birthday card this year--no call, text, or anything from her on my b-day and we were on speaking terms then!

 

Well, like I said, I sent out the x-mas card and I haven't heard anything back, as I don't expect to. But you know what, I feel better that I did send it. Like someone else said, I was a gentleman about it, and now I'm gone for good.

 

No matter how badly it ended, it still feels good to let them know, well basically thanks for the good times you shared with them.

My ex didn't send a card, text, or anything for my birthday and that was only a couple of days after the breakup. I won't be sending anything to her...

I would rather eat that card than sending it.

Well, I actually wanted to send it to her parents, not her. My bro says it was in bad taste, but I truly wanted them to know I was thinking about them and I wanted to send them warm holiday wishes.

I just so happens she still lives with her parents, so how would that look, just putting their names on the card and not hers??? So I wrote, "Dear abc, def, and ghi,"

I wrestled with sending one, then not sending one. Maybe I have a real problem letting go, but at one point she seemed to make my life better.

How could you blame anyone for finding it hard to let go of something like that?

As I said, I wasn't expecting a response. For the first time since this all happened, I think I'm truly starting to let go.

I hope in a few months when I'm completely over her she calls and wants to try again, so this time I can say I'm not interested in her anymore! I want her to know what it's like to feel unrequited love.

But i'm sure with time, those feelings will go away, too. I guess when the bitterness towards her goes away, thats when I'll know I'm completely over her. I can only hope it will be soon.

FYI: I just got both a birthday card AND a Christmas card from the ex's parents, along with a birthday gift and some very nice things to say.

I couldn't help but send a Christmas card in return. Matter of fact, I feel terribly guilty about the gift. I'm unsure now whether the proper course of action is to return it (and risk offending them) or keep it and send a thank you note that carefully says that I deeply appreciate the thought but that such gestures are not necessary. Any advice?

FYI: I just got both a birthday card AND a Christmas card from the ex's parents, along with a birthday gift and some very nice things to say.

 

I couldn't help but send a Christmas card in return. Matter of fact, I feel terribly guilty about the gift. I'm unsure now whether the proper course of action is to return it (and risk offending them) or keep it and send a thank you note that carefully says that I deeply appreciate the thought but that such gestures are not necessary. Any advice?

Wow dude, that is a lot to deal with. My advice is to keep the gift. It would be selfish to send it back and it probably would hurt their feelings. You should send a thank you note, but don't mention anything about their daughter. Hopefully they'll figure out not to send stuff in the future. glimmerofhope, it's just a minor setback. I'm still going through this with you man...